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deez · #1 02-12-2012, 11:58 PM

IM so lost for words right now i havent written my son but maybe 2 time since hes been down this trip...its just that i know if i would have been more of a woman and stood up for my kids when they were younger he would not be where hes at. im an uneducated jobless black sheep of the family mom. i started so many letters and never finished, its just that he lies so much and expects so much. or am i wrong to think this way ofcourse im wrong hes my baby boy i dont know what to do at this point as far as how to try and break the ice i feel so freegin bad, & again weak and selfish of me to do this to him right?

mrsharper17 · #2 02-13-2012, 12:07 AM

You can not blame yourself for your child's actions. He is an adult. I am the same age as your son and i know my mother isnt the proudest of me and my choices. I havent been in jail but i am struggling as a single (married) mom since hubby is in jail. She hates my decision to be with him. But I choose my own life and it is not her responsibility to deal with it. Same as you. He made choices and although you love him it is NOT your fault. If our lives were always determined by our parents i would either be a drunk neglectful parent or an abusive one. I am neither one. I love my children and will do the best i can but once they are adults their choices are made on their own. Hopefully you can find a way to communicate your feeling to him and maybe he will see his ways and want to change. But only HE can make the change not you

Tina · #3 02-15-2012, 09:00 AM

Welcome to PTO. I agree with the above poster. You can't blame yourself for your childs actions. Not one of us is a perfect parent. That doesn't make us responsible for their choices. We do the best we can and then we have to let go and let them choose for themselves. I hope you will be very comfortable here.

aztecawisdom · #4 02-15-2012, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deez

IM so lost for words right now i havent written my son but maybe 2 time since hes been down this trip...its just that i know if i would have been more of a woman and stood up for my kids when they were younger he would not be where hes at. im an uneducated jobless black sheep of the family mom. i started so many letters and never finished, its just that he lies so much and expects so much. or am i wrong to think this way ofcourse im wrong hes my baby boy i dont know what to do at this point as far as how to try and break the ice i feel so freegin bad, & again weak and selfish of me to do this to him right?

Don't blame yourself As parents most of us do the best we can with the resources we have ...financial, emotional, physical etc.. We do better and more when we have more. I spent many years agonizing over my then teenagers...My daughter finally Told me when this whole situation with my son arose that they both needed me to know that any bad choices that they made were theirs to make. She said" no matter what you said or did we were gonna do what we did. It is our lives to live and make mistakes in". I also don't blame a traumatic childhood because no one has cornered the market on pain and suffering. The world is full of high functioning contributing members of the world that suffered some trauma in childhood. We make our own choices and deal with the consequences of those choices. a for writing your son only you know when u are ready for that. I have let my son know that I do not agree with his choices or the situation he is in but my love is unconditional. However that unconditional love is not a blank check... My love and support may come only as prayers or letters just as it may come as payments to his commissary or quarterly packages etc.. His behavior decides which it will be. I am praying for u and your struggle and holding on to hope. that your son finds his way.
jess
two of my favorite quotes:
The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac
Nothing endures but change.
Heraclitus

I'm done · #5 02-15-2012, 02:58 PM

It's hard not to blame yourself, but we must not!!!! I agree with the other women, take it a day at a time. I too blamed myself, if I had done this, If I had done that, but in the end, after I was brutally honest, I couldnt have stopped my son, and when I say I tried, that is why I know we blame ourselves as parents, and then reality sets in, I told them this was gonna happen if he continued in this, and when it happens I hate to say I told u so but..... so go easy with yourself, now its time to do you, take care of you, by taking care of you you let your loved one see that your there for them. This is a very tough road that we r on and we have to take care of ourselves as well and try to be there for our loved ones if they will let us. You are not your past !!!Look into your future, look at the love inside of you, and take it from there, Like the young lady said if our parents determined our future, heck I don't know where I'd be. Thank God for Salvation.

stuby's mom · #6 02-19-2012, 09:12 AM

Hi Deez. Sometimes it is hard to step back from all the emotional turmoil that having a loved one in jail creates. Try to think of your son as belonging to someone else - a coworker or neighbor. How would you view that child's situation? Would you blame his parents?

Our adult children make their own decisions and have to face their own consequences. Try to step back for a while, and, most importantly, start taking care of you.

Although this book is about adult children who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, it may be helpful in learning to separate yourself from the situation. It is called "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" by Charles Rubin. It has gotten us through these first three months of our sons incarceration. Though there are still tears of mourning of what could have been, we have learned to let go and let God.

Hang in there.

NBSmom · #7 02-21-2012, 06:04 AM

Welcome Deez!
I know what you mean about writing. I too would start a letter and it always ended with how horrible things were, and blaming myself, and how i would cry because of what he has done and the burden he has placed upon his family. His lawyer told me the best thing to do for him is to write about every day activities, whats going on in the world, other family members's joys and sorrows. I have been taking pictures of a small tree he planted before he left to show him how it is growing. When we have painted a room, or a family get together. He really likes that because there isn't much for him to write about. He loves pictures of his neices and nephews! Writing and visiting is so important.

wickit · #8 02-24-2012, 09:01 PM

WELCOME TO PTO!
As you can see from the posts you will find all kinds of support and information on our site!

jec1955 · #9 05-01-2012, 12:28 AM

I am so sorry for this terrible situation Deez. I know how you feel, my son is headed back for his 2nd time. he was there for 9 yrs 1st time out for 3 months now indicted for same type crime again. I was a bad Mom too and blame myself. I wasnt there enough for him growing up. Ev1 tells me its not my fault but to me it is. I know I can tell you till the end of time its not your fault but its not gonna change how you feel. All I can say is hang in there, hopefully our sons WILL grow up and decide they want a real life on the outside of those bars. You and your son will be in my prayers.