Should I turn my son in?

[nimuay]

Jim, I'm so sorry for you and your wife. For your son, too, because this much havoc is a reflection of his mind, and it must be hell to live with. Take time to appreciate that it's all now out of your hands. There is peace in that, even though your pain is so vast.

[juss me6]

yes. i could see if he was a teen but he is 21. he needs to learn his lesson. i knwo thats your son so maybe you should simply revoke his bail and tell him your reasons at a later date.

[Olderthanmost]

I know that the things that you have gone thru with your son are hurting both you and your wife! I am so sorry. I can just feel the love that you still have for him.. You are already talking about visiting him! Thats so awesome! We watch them grow up and in our minds eye, we see such a bright future for them. We never would have imagined the trouble, hurt and yes, time in a jail , they might have to endure! I hope this is a turning point for him. I want to believe that all of you will find your way back to being a complete family again. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

[Tracy147]

Jim, it seems hopeless, and scary for all. This maybe your sons "wake up" call. Dont let this consume you. Let your son know you love him, but you will NOT bail him out nor will you allow him to manipulate you in any way. Tough love is a hard thing, but it does work. As I said before my son spent 6yrs in prison...age 17 130lbs...he survived, and so will your son. My son is home now, working and making his way. I will not be apart of any criminal shit he wants to ever get involved in again....I will live my life with a smile on my face, no guilt, knowing I love my son and did the best I could to show him right from wrong. Let time pass as things will get easier, and let your son deal with this...listen to him , love him, but dont FIX it.

[BeachMom]

Jim,

The best lessons my son ever learned were in prison, not out. As much as you want so much more for him he is not ready. It doesn't matter why he does the things he does anymore. The fact is "something" in his life hasn't been difficult enough for him to want to change.

I think many of the parents agree on here that we felt oddly at peace when our children were incarcerated. It is a time for us to reflect and heal. While my son was incarcerated I supported him emotionally but stood my ground. Eventually he gave up blaming everyone else for his problems. At some point he changed from a bitter, pissed off kid to an accepting young adult. It was not easy for any of us. He had to face tough situations and we had to learn how to shed the guilt.

Our son has been out for almost 13 months now. He works, has an awesome girlfriend and lives in a normal home with normal people. The best thing about it is our relationship is so healthy now. We laugh together all the time. We talk about prison life when he has a bad day. It's a reminder of where he could be.

He is a felon and his life will not be easy, but who's is? Looking back it's almost like this needed to happen for everyone to address their own issues and come together.

I guess my point is....hope. Don't automatically think if he does prison time you have failed. You have not. He did. Trust me, after he gets over the shock and anger he will get that, maybe soon, maybe not. He knows you care, he knows its not your fault. It may be a long time before you hear those words but boy is it worth it.

Stay strong and stay focused on the end game. If nothing changes for him he will never change himself.

K

[KidzMom]

OMG!!! I am so upset that this has happened to all of you but at the same time I am relieved as these stories are very similiar to mine. My son definately had/has an alcohol problem, was in a downward spiral that we were watching yet we were unable to do anything about. As much as I confronted my son about missing items and money he denied. Always respectful to me however as were all his "friends". I never feared for myself or my family but I definately was in denial about the extent of his theft and problems. He outright told me that he would end up in jail one day (I think he knew he was out of control and that jail - now prison - was the only thing that would stop him). The day he was arrested was the first good night's sleep I had had in a very long time. He was finally safe and unable to harm anyone else. He was arrested for armed robbery - for 4 dollars!!!! enough for NOTHING! And Grand Theft Firearm. 4 young men were involved and spent time or are still paying their dues to society! We are beginning our 11th month of this journey and when I visit my son I leave thinking that I am glad his time is not up yet because some of the things he says or implies tells me he is not missing the outside enough to stay out of trouble. Yet at other times and in all his letters he is remorseful, anxious to get out and turn over a new leaf, missing family and appreciative of the fact that I have been there with him every step of the way. I told him that I will always love him - but when he gets out if anything like this ever happens again.....AND he has to come clean to me about everything (scared to hear that part but necessary to heal) so he really can find his peace. He has 40 months to go before his Early Release Date......

Stay Strong Jim. Emotions run amuck. It is overwhelming, all consuming, life changing... You need to protect the rest of your family and yourself. You know what you need to do.....

and we still lock everything up...

[tglsmom]

I am sorry for everything your family is facing. You've received excellent advice here and I don't have much to add. I am just another mom who went through the same things for 10 years with my son who is a drug addict. We finally had to pull back and let him hit his bottom. We didn't know if he would die, kill someone else, or end up in prison. He disappeared for months and it was the hardest time I've ever gone through. Long story short, he did end up going to prison. I'm sure you've heard this before, but I count my blessings every day that he is in prison, is still part of my life and that I'm not visiting his grave.

Having a child in prison is not easy by any means. It's a hard life, but many of our kids have grown up and some have come out and are leading productive lives. I know that my son needed this time to reflect, mature and plan for a sober future. We now have the best relationship we've had in years. I don't think that would have ever happened if he was still out on the streets.

I know how hard this is on you and your family. It's a rollercoaster of emotions - you're scared, worried, angry and sad that your son has screwed up what you imagined would be a wonderful life. We all had the same hopes for our kids. But, it is his life and you are not responsible for how he is leading it. You can only hope and pray that he will learn from his mistakes. Love him, support him and let him know that you won't abandon him. Other than that, he will have to figure things out for himself and, hopefully, that will happen before things get any worse.

Please know that we are thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[Trinia21]

Stay strong. Keep going to Al-Anon. I bailed my son out almost two years ago. Bail was $20,000 cash. He is a drug addict and alcoholic. He was clean for three months and then went back to drugging and stealing from us. I did the hardest thing I ever had to do; I revoked his bail. He didn't speak to me for 4 months and then on the year anniversary when I wouldn't bail him out again, he stopped speaking to me again. Those days were so hard but I was told to let him experience his own consequences and not baby him or I would end up burying him. It is now 16 months since I revoked bail. (He has spent 25 months in jail altogether.) He is being offered a plea deal for time served and will be coming home soon on a strict probation. I bet he is real glad that he did the time already. I am so happy but scared, too. I am hoping he has learned his lesson, but he is not out on my dime this time and more importantly, he is alive! It is all up to him.

[asmom]

Jim,
I'm so sorry for the pain that you and your family have to go through. I pray that your son will finally realize that he's the only one who can get himself out of all the mess by changing his ways and facing his demons..... I wish all of you the best.

[Indymom12]

Hi Jim,

My daughter stole from me to feed her heroin addiction. Since she was over 18 I could not force her into treatment. I had her arrested for stealing. Her Dad wanted to kick her out. If we would have done that she would probably be dead right now. She ended up with a drug court violation because she cut off her bracelet and ran so she had to go to prison and do her full sentence. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but she was out of control and letting her go was only enabling her. She got into a wonderful rehab program in prison and is doing great since she's been home.(She got early release in March). He has to pay the natural penalty for his actions or he will never learn. Blessings to you and your family. It will be a hard road but everyone here will help you get through it.

[Indymom12]

Originally Posted by jim2705

I appreciate everyone's candid advice. You all seem understand my situation very well. BTW my son does have an alcohol problem that has developed over the past year as well as some serious mental health issues like severe depression, BP..etc. He's not a tough guy by any means and will not survive inside yet his actions come off like he doesn't care.
On top of his stealing he is a compulsive liar. We have been driving him to "work" everyday and I'm not so sure he even has a job where he says he does. Nothing ever can be proven. He is the consummate schemer. For some reason he cant come clean about anything...what he's doing, where he is at night, where he works....I do not know what to believe anymore. anytime he gets caught in a lie he simply denies it no matter how damning the evidence is. I am constantly reaching out to him but it does not seem to have any effect. There was a time when he was on his game, engaged, college, starting a career working but it all went so bad so fast. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel my role as a parent is to take care of my kid no matter, not throw him out into the system. I keep holding out for hope that he will change and get the best out of this situation. It looks bleak at this point. Our family members keep telling us to break away from him so as to protect my 16 yr old son and the sanctity of my own
family. We cant keep living this way. Pray for me. Pray for my son.

Jim,

I just saw this 2nd post. I really think your son may have more than an alcohol problem. Especially since things went downhill so quickly. He can survive the system. My daughter did and she is only 20. Don't be afraid to try to lobby to get him somewhere where he can get help. I wrote directly to the Judge and my daughhter got into a wonderful program. Praying for you all.

[Indymom12]

Originally Posted by jim2705

Well its been a few months since i started this post and things have gone from bad to worse. My sons drinking increased substantially along with his criminal behavior even though he was out on bond for several felonies and criminal traffic offenses. He was arrested last night at our home for stealing and pawning a diamond necklace from my wife. Now this is where all the cards start to collapse as they find out about his other pending charges. They've already revoked his bond this morning for the DUI. No telling now how long he will be held as all these pending charges start to come forward. I feel really bad for him but in a strange way I feel at peace somewhat now that he is being "taken care of" and cannot get in trouble with more criminal behavior and continued drinking. He has enough on his plate now and could be facing years in prison. The plan was to stay out of jail, get a job, save money for restitution, stay sober and show the court that you have your act together and maybe you would get a second chance from the court. I guess that was my plan and not my sons. He wants me to call his rehab facility where he spent 3 months . He thinks they can get the courts to turn him over to them. I really don't want to do that. This is more of his manipulative , controlling behavior plus I'm financially tapped and that would just cost me more money. Our family and friends have told us that this is the best thing for him even though it is terrible but these are the natural consequences of his actions. It wasn't like we didn't warn him. Now my wife and I sit and wonder about the future. He had to get out of our house one way or another. It was a living hell. I started to go to Al Anon meetings to understand how to cope. I think in the end he finally gave up on everything. At some point , probably soon, he will begin to realize that he is not getting out and he will have to deal with his legal issues from the inside. At some point we will want to visit him . That will be hard I'm sure. I don't know what the future has in store for us as we begin this next chapter. I pray that God keeps watch over him. Lets hope for the best.

Just saw this post too. things were bound to come to a head. He is safe and you and your wife can get some rest and focus on your other son, who needs you I'm sure.Try to get him help in prison. He was out of control and he does need to pay the natural consequences of his actions. Praying for you all. Keep your chin up.

[szcunane]

Jim, I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through this . ..it is a nigthmare, isn't it? addictions are so powerful, I am so glad that you are attending al-anon. I like it would be wise to give a little separation time between you and your son. A little time for him to detox, time for him to think. and time for you to think. I hope you can find some peace in all of this . ..I think there will be some rough days ahead. we will be here for you.

[kaymarie]

I know you face a very difficult decision. We want to protect our children from harm. If they were drowning in water, would we throw a life-ring or jump in ourselves to save them. Even if we might drown ourselves? Yes. Throw him a life-ring. Turn him in and just be there for him. I believe from what you wrote you know what to do. Lean on the parents here for support.

k

[Bamagirl49]

I think at one time we all had to make a decision like that
I have turned mine in when he was young it's very hard and especially going on a roller coaster and have sleepless nights and you know whenever the phone rings at night something is wrong hang in there you will know when you have reached that point