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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #76  
Old 05-02-2012, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Strong4us View Post
I didn't c any of this,may have missed it.
I pay for what I can afford.....my man says come a different day,he says he'll write em but I don't want to be the reason they don't talk...I don't kno how to say "no" without causing problems
Okay! Now we're getting somewhere! Thank you! You're right -learning how and when to say NO is very intimidating. Sometimes saying YES is, too. The good news - speaking up is a skill like any other that you can and WILL master. You will find your voice, Hon.
Saying NO does not mean you are a bad person or people won't like you anymore or people will get mad. It is part of finding solutions to your own issues and problems.

You did good by telling your man about your problem. He listened and came up with a solution. Now it is your turn to say YES!
Your man suggested you visit on a different day. That sounds like a good idea! Go for it! Say YES!
He is offering to talk to his family and let them know so you don't have to. Again, good move on his part! I bet he knows how to tell his family in a way so that they won't get mad. So what should you do? Say YES! Yes, please and then thank you.

You are afraid his fam won't talk to him anymore because of it? Honey, please look at it this way...they are still talking to him during his 5th incarceration. Letting them know they will have to find a different way to visit him is not likely to be a deal breaker. See what I'm saying? The boundary here is letting him handle and worry about his family. Is it yours to worry about these things even though he told you not to? NO!

See how easy that is? (say YES! here. )

To sum up -
You are going to visit without them. YES!
He is going to talk to them on your behalf. YES!
You are going to trust he knows how best to handle his family. YES!
You are going to worry about them getting mad. NO!

You can do this, Sweetie. You are not alone. We are here for you. OK? Yes?
Hope that helps...
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  #77  
Old 05-02-2012, 09:00 PM
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Maybe you could have a chat with them and discuss car pooling?

If they really want to go visit him maybe offering a way to do it equally would work. Say "how about we take turns going up to see him, one time we'll take my vehicle and you guys can pay half the gas and next time we take your vehicle and i'll pay half the gas".

Just a suggestion but i don't see why they wouldn't accept, its a pretty fair deal and everyone would be happy in the end.
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  #78  
Old 05-02-2012, 09:08 PM
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Well all seems clear now........thx so much,I talk with my man tomorrow so I'm definitely gonna talk about this. He always tells me to let him in.....so,here it goes.
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  #79  
Old 05-02-2012, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Strong4us View Post
Well all seems clear now........thx so much,I talk with my man tomorrow so I'm definitely gonna talk about this. He always tells me to let him in.....so,here it goes.
Yea!!!!!! Good luck - I'm cheering for you!
I'm gonna go have a drink now...
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  #80  
Old 05-02-2012, 10:40 PM
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I was just in the corner reading quietly (since somebody told me to shut my mouth earlier) and I'm grabbin my wallet cause I need a drink too,,, 1st round on me!!!!
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There is only one man who has ever made me feel as loved as Zachary has,,,that man was my father, for now that he has come into my life and Daddy's gone,,, I am no longer Daddy's Little Girl, I am his WOMAN.


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  #81  
Old 05-02-2012, 11:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveMyMeche

If your not paying for their calls how are you financially supporting their communication?
Wat she is saying is that when she put money on her phone HIS MOTHER OR OTHERS ask to use her phone to talk to him instead of putting money ON THEIR OWN PHONE TO TALK TO HIM..HE CAN'T CALL THEM IF THEY DON'T PUT MONEY ON THEIR PHONE SO THERE FOR THEY ASK TO USE HER PHONE WHICH USES UP HER MONEY
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  #82  
Old 05-02-2012, 11:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Strong4us
I don't understand.....do ppl not read the whole thread....I'm just saying I am happy to support my man regardless of his family helping financially or not. They love him even with this being his 5th bid n I'm grateful for that HOWEVER I don't feel its ok with them expecting me to support THEM financially when it comes communicating with him. PLUS, they are not giving money that others sent for him or they tell him they are sending money so he goes to comm. n then theres no money. My point was nvr to insinuate his mother should help him or shes obligated bc shes "his mother" nor am I saying I'm not open to advice but the vast majority are not understanding my true point!
Well I understand you and I told my husband that I am not doing three way calls or relying messages between them that's what paper and pen is for ... I don't sugar coat nothing I told him straight up and his family straight up if you can't do it that's fine but do not think I'm going todo it all alone and you reap the benefits hell no .. It's my mans first bid and although it's not their responsibility they get what they give on return ... I kept it one hundred and they help when they can but I'm no fool I'm not going todo it all and they have there thumbs up there asses
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  #83  
Old 05-03-2012, 12:10 AM
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Real shiet, don't let people walk all over you. What you need to do is tell your man you don't appreciate how his family is taking advantage of your guys situation. As far as three way calling and rides up to visit him, tell his family kick rocks & kiss ass hmmm actually you said you can't find it in you to let them know wussup.. So hopefully you muster up some kinda courage & tell them to piss off because I'm assuming this is where your aggravation is coming from?. I'm sorry I was hella laughing while reading this but as I kept going I understood what you were saying & where you were coming from when you wrote it all out in previous posts.. All it is girl is cutting the family out completely and focusing on your relationship with the dude.. So what if his family don't send him ends? As long as you're not giving in & supporting them with three way calls or rides anymore I'm sure you won't be too stressed with snippin them outta your life.. THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO! (:

I'm not in the same boat as you with ANY of this lol Thank Goodness.. My man's family sends money when they can get together & throw money on his books when I myself am not able to do it, I don't expect it of them and hate when he asks me to ask them because point blank period-> It's not my place. I always tell him that and he knows his family has a life outside of him they got bills to pay, kids to feed a mortgage to pay. He's a grown man and has learned (from my yelling) that his actions got him to where he's at. So why should his family put everything on hold for him?

I agree with everything everyone has said about showing tough love. Somewhere along the way your dude as well as all of ours made a BIG NO NO, his daily needs are met with having three meals, they're aloud to go outside in the yard, take a bath blaaah it's prison, prison life isn't meant to be paradise island. I def don't feel sorry for my Love, I mean I love the kid don't get me wrong but this process is really a blessing in disguise for him with learning to appreciate how good he had it when he wasn't doin stupid shiet on the outs.. I don't sugar coat anything to him I give it to him straight just as his parents and sisters do because fact of the matter is he needs to be shown love in another form cause obviously he wasn't movin shiet with the sweet love..

Anyway all it boils down to is that if you're only irritated by his family asking for favors regarding him but not putting forth effort to help out on YOUR financial end you're the only one who can help yourself in telling them NO! It's as simple as that.. Good Luck Girl!
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  #84  
Old 05-03-2012, 12:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Zachary's Woman View Post
I was just in the corner reading quietly (since somebody told me to shut my mouth earlier) and I'm grabbin my wallet cause I need a drink too,,, 1st round on me!!!!
BAHAHAHAHAHA! You're a riot, Z's Woman. I'm glad you're around.
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  #85  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:13 AM
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Basically,when he got locked up they would put money on their phones and go with me to c him and helped.......he always told me he was shocked bc every other bid they nvr did so much.....then slowly they fell back and and didn't put money as much n stopped going with me then they stopped putting money on phone completely and started catching rides claiming broke as well as making me the messenger. He nvr asks me to ask them for money but his family would tell me,so n so sent me x amount to send him so tell him I'll send it tomorrow...ok,well he has told me,tell them the money they r "gonna" send put it on their phone.....but ya,that nvr happens! Ugh, we only have 11 months left so hopefully we get thru this but I don't want drama 4 the rest of his bid! He says more than anything,he thinks deep down the family is jealous bc I've been there for him for the past yr and I've done more than they have so thats prolly the underline problem plus instead of going home to them hes coming home to me....as in parole....they didn't like that. I'm not trying to take him away but I'm not gonna let him run around doing whatever just bc hes 30 something! Hes gonna have rules n already knows I don't put up with bs.....all the while knowing I'm their 100%.
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  #86  
Old 05-03-2012, 01:51 PM
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Ok,, I TRIED TO BE QUIET,,, I SWEAR...butttttttt,,,,, Love bug,,, after 5 bids,,, let down after let down,,, it would be my hunch that his mother and family are JUST FINE with him coming "home" to you.
That's family,, what's there to be jealous of??? If they WANTED to be there 100%,, they would,,, I would bet my bottom dollar they are happy you are around,,, why wouldn't they be???

I'm getting the feeling you think you loving him will make turn into some perfect man,,, let me tell you now,,, IT'S NOT.. HE HAS TO WANT MORE AND BETTER. It sounds like the family,,, especially the mother is just plain TIRED of his shenanagans,,,, as she should be,,, come on lil sister...

And if momma won the Powerball TODAY,, you SEEN her cash the check,,, and she turn around and tell you she broke,,, guess what... That's what it is.. SHE DON'T OWN THAT GROWN ASS MAN NOTHING.. But he owe his MOTHER at the LEAST,, not to keep breaking her heart bid after bid...

You should take a peek around the "Parents with children incarcerated" fourm so you can get a little empathy for yourself.. 5 bids,,, how many have u been around for???? ( GOING BACK TO THE CORNER)
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There is only one man who has ever made me feel as loved as Zachary has,,,that man was my father, for now that he has come into my life and Daddy's gone,,, I am no longer Daddy's Little Girl, I am his WOMAN.


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  #87  
Old 05-03-2012, 03:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zachary's Woman
Ok,, I TRIED TO BE QUIET,,, I SWEAR...butttttttt,,,,, Love bug,,, after 5 bids,,, let down after let down,,, it would be my hunch that his mother and family are JUST FINE with him coming "home" to you.
That's family,, what's there to be jealous of??? If they WANTED to be there 100%,, they would,,, I would bet my bottom dollar they are happy you are around,,, why wouldn't they be???

I'm getting the feeling you think you loving him will make turn into some perfect man,,, let me tell you now,,, IT'S NOT.. HE HAS TO WANT MORE AND BETTER. It sounds like the family,,, especially the mother is just plain TIRED of his shenanagans,,,, as she should be,,, come on lil sister...

And if momma won the Powerball TODAY,, you SEEN her cash the check,,, and she turn around and tell you she broke,,, guess what... That's what it is.. SHE DON'T OWN THAT GROWN ASS MAN NOTHING.. But he owe his MOTHER at the LEAST,, not to keep breaking her heart bid after bid...

You should take a peek around the "Parents with children incarcerated" fourm so you can get a little empathy for yourself.. 5 bids,,, how many have u been around for???? ( GOING BACK TO THE CORNER)
I hear u,I only say jealous bc I feel it n he says it.....however, his mom has told him AND me that shes always asking him....r u sure shes the one? Really,ur gonna tell me how r ask ur son if I'm the one? Then after she went on a visit with me she says,well I can tell he really loves u,I see it now I didn't believe it b4 but I do now.....like she needed proof!? But going back,yes his answer is always the same bc she makes me wanna be a better person......which hes nvr said any other time,coming from him AND from his mom who told me numerous times how she needs validation from him that I'm the one!

I have been saying he DOES finally want more for himself......nvr has he talked about going to school,getting help,helping others,ect and his mom of all ppl will be the 1st to say he has nvr talked like this until now.
So YES, I do believe he is changing and is ready for a new start. Regardless of how many times hes been locked up he STILL can't change! Where is it written,after 3 bids or 4 or 5 they WILL NVR CHANGE.....miracles happens every day. ppl who have this naive way of thinking needa wake up and realize sometimes u needa have faith n not give up! So in 11 months when my man gets out come talk to me to c if its true! I'm not giving up on him bc others would have.....I'm not a follower and plus like I've said b4 no one ever actually stayed by him so maybe just maybe I AM making a difference! But thx for ur opinion tho.!
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Old 05-03-2012, 03:09 PM
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* he still can change ......
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Old 05-03-2012, 03:36 PM
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And another thing if his mother won the lotto good for her and if she chose not to give $ to him again good for her TO EACH THEIR OWN but maybe she'd atleast give him $ others are sending! And she'd definitely wouldn't be allowed to use me for free calls,rides or meals!
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Old 05-03-2012, 04:29 PM
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How EXACTALLY is she using you if you give? A person can only be used ONCE,,, after that,,, they are a WILLING cccomplice,,collaborator,, co-conspirator,, take your pick. You are GIVING the free rides, calls and meals... I would hope she's not strong-arming those things... for that would be a crime!!!!!
At what point do you say,,, (whatever YOU perceive to be the issue is) enough is enough and stop it???
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  #91  
Old 05-03-2012, 05:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zachary's Woman
How EXACTALLY is she using you if you give? A person can only be used ONCE,,, after that,,, they are a WILLING cccomplice,,collaborator,, co-conspirator,, take your pick. You are GIVING the free rides, calls and meals... I would hope she's not strong-arming those things... for that would be a crime!!!!!
At what point do you say,,, (whatever YOU perceive to be the issue is) enough is enough and stop it???
I feel MY issue is/was I felt they (his fam) are taking advantage of my kindness.....I gave and inch in which they are taking a mile. I don't mind relaying a message or having them ride with but all the time? Hes their loved one too! If they wanna talk or c him it shouldn't always be on my dime.....no matter how many times hes been locked up (which I added just to give background to our story).....hes my man but their son,brother,cousin and regardless if it were a friend they should still not take advantage. all I wanted the purpose of this was to express my mans family feels ok to get a free ride off someone elses money. Yes, I c now how I am allowing it but I was looking for help to express to my man and/or his family........which was achieved in a prior post. Would it have been a friend I would have easy said something BUT seeing as how its family I think it should be treated in a different manner. AND the fact I've nvr been in this situation I decided to ask for advice......on a site where others MAY have been in a similar situation.

Do u see now? Do u get it? Did I explain well enough?

it was nvr my intention to stir up hostility,just ask........has anyone been where I am! How did u handle it or how would u handle it.
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Old 05-03-2012, 05:29 PM
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It's all clear now..... Jeesh!!
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Be Blessed---- Tazzie

There is only one man who has ever made me feel as loved as Zachary has,,,that man was my father, for now that he has come into my life and Daddy's gone,,, I am no longer Daddy's Little Girl, I am his WOMAN.


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Old 05-07-2012, 10:04 AM
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Can I say something???

No disrespect at all, but the NEXT time you post, PLEASE make yourself as CLEAR as you possible....

Peace and blessings...
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Old 05-07-2012, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by COMPLETElyhis
Can I say something???

No disrespect at all, but the NEXT time you post, PLEASE make yourself as CLEAR as you possible....

Peace and blessings...

This was my very 1st post. I didn't know exactly how to say it/write it and I'm not good with words. I'm pretty sure at one point or another EVERYONE has said something that sounded better in their head then when they actually said it. So, I'm sorry I can't guarantee that any future post will be so CLEAR CUT but as always I will try!
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Old 05-07-2012, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Strong4us View Post
This was my very 1st post. I didn't know exactly how to say it/write it and I'm not good with words. I'm pretty sure at one point or another EVERYONE has said something that sounded better in their head then when they actually said it. So, I'm sorry I can't guarantee that any future post will be so CLEAR CUT but as always I will try!
Nah...it's all good!! I didn't pay attention to it being your first post. Sorry about that.

Of course, we all have... Don't be so defensive... lol! It's only PTO. But I only mentioned that because you get really good advice here but it's best to just ask the question you want advice too... see how quickly everyone turned it (including me) into something else? I never knew what you really needed help with...

Peace and blessings...
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Old 05-07-2012, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by COMPLETElyhis

Nah...it's all good!! I didn't pay attention to it being your first post. Sorry about that.

Of course, we all have... Don't be so defensive... lol! It's only PTO. But I only mentioned that because you get really good advice here but it's best to just ask the question you want advice too... see how quickly everyone turned it (including me) into something else? I never knew what you really needed help with...

Peace and blessings...
Ha! Like I said I'm not good with words AT ALL! Imagine being my man! Poor guy, I feel for him! But ya, hes like - so what r u trying to say?

Sn: He always gets a kick outta me being difficult and sarcastic-I'm working on it :/ but we fit together bc gives it right back!
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Old 05-07-2012, 10:53 AM
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Ha! Like I said I'm not good with words AT ALL! Imagine being my man! Poor guy, I feel for him! But ya, hes like - so what r u trying to say?

Sn: He always gets a kick outta me being difficult and sarcastic-I'm working on it :/ but we fit together bc gives it right back!
With your man being locked up, I'm surprised you're not good with words??? Many of us LIVE by the words that are written and said!

lol!

Peace and blessings...
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Old 05-07-2012, 11:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by COMPLETElyhis

With your man being locked up, I'm surprised you're not good with words??? Many of us LIVE by the words that are written and said!

lol!

Peace and blessings...
Thats y I say poor guy! I've actually gotten better lol believe it or not! I say the first thing that comes to mind but now I try n think first!

But nonetheless, thx 4 the reminder I will def try to think 1st n get to my point!
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Old 05-07-2012, 12:19 PM
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Keep doing what you are doing. I am going through the same thing. The only difference is this is my husbands first bid. His family doesn't like me but they try to info from me. They don't put time on their phone or send him letters but get mad and say I am always in the middle of his business. They put me there. They will tell me something about the family and then tell me not to tell him. If you don't want him to know then don't tell me. I am sorry that you are going through this but he will remember this and that you were the only one there for him.
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:21 PM
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I'm new to this but my bf has been locked up since may 2011 and idk if its bc this his 5th bid or bc he has a girl this time around but his family wont send any money!! :/ so I feel like I'm the only one holding him down and its trying!!! He had some money when he went in but after it ran out I started sending money and we both agreed not to tell his family. Im semi close with his mom and I dont understand how she knows he needs money bc he asked every phone call but she nvr does...not even $10 n she always says shes "broke" but goes out every weekend and is constantly shopping. He doesnt want to say I'm sending money bc he thinks that will give his family more of a reason to not send money. I desperatly need advice!!!


I know the feeling... My man has only been locked up since the end of march but in that short amount of time I feel like I'm the only person that he can depend on. I find myself going broke just to make sure that he has what he needs because his family has betrayed him to the fullest. In my opinion if you are the only person helping him than that's all he neesd. My b/f mother is being the same way and I have actually had it out with her a few times. Its like she doesn't care that he is incarcerated... GOD IT DRIVES ME NUTS! Anyways you are a strong person for sticking by his side through it all and I wish you all the best of luck!!
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