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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 04-16-2012, 07:35 PM
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Default He is clean inside, but losing his mind. What can I do?

My bf has been in Rikers for the last month. He was picked up with herion and coke in the car. He is still awaiting sentencing. It is his first time in Rikers but not his first time in jail. He has had drug addiction issues for years, ever since he found his best friend dead at a party. she shot herself. he never got help for it and things just got bad and worse from there. but when we first met, he was clean. He started using again, but I did not know it. His father suspected and kicked him out. I was in denial, and I paid rent on an apartment for him. I let him borrow my car to look for work while I was working. He lied and lied and manipulated me, just like he has to his family in the past.
I can't walk away from him while he is in jail. I will be his friend and try to give him strength to get through this.
At first he was trying to stay strong but I talked to him today and he sounded very defeated. He got a job handing out jumpsuits and storing clothes and a guy tried to jump him in the cage where he was working. This morning someone tried to get into a fight with him in the hallway. He says the gang guys think he is holding their stuff or losing it.
He talked to his mom for the first time since he's been in there. Although she was nice enough to accept that call, she is NOT supportive. She told him about a friend of his that recently committed suicide and that his grandfather is in the hospital because he had chest pains.
When I talked to him today, he was feeling very low. He SAYS he wants to stay clean, but I know how manipulative he can be, especially from jail. He does sound clean and I think he is clean in jail now. But I'm worried about his mental state now. He almost started to cry thinking that he might not see his grandfather again and that he lost another friend and wasnt there for the funeral. He says he is a target now because of his job and that its going to get worse and thats why he finally called his mom even though he knew it wouldnt cheer him up. I think he called her to say hello one last time.
I'm very worried he will get in a fight, go in the box, or worse. I know he is depressed and he sounded so defeated, I worry he will start using again or try to hurt himself. Or is he just playing me to get him out??

He sees the judge on Wednesday to ask for a bail reduction - he hasn't been sentenced yet. I know it's a horrible gamble - because he needs help, serious help, like shock camp, but I am so worried about him that I am starting to consider bailing him out. I dont want to enable him but I'm just very worried he might not make it.
What can I do for him to help him and not enable him?
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by grrrl_56 View Post
My bf has been in Rikers for the last month. He was picked up with herion and coke in the car. He is still awaiting sentencing. It is his first time in Rikers but not his first time in jail. He has had drug addiction issues for years, ever since he found his best friend dead at a party. she shot herself. he never got help for it and things just got bad and worse from there. but when we first met, he was clean. He started using again, but I did not know it. His father suspected and kicked him out. I was in denial, and I paid rent on an apartment for him. I let him borrow my car to look for work while I was working. He lied and lied and manipulated me, just like he has to his family in the past.
I can't walk away from him while he is in jail. I will be his friend and try to give him strength to get through this.
At first he was trying to stay strong but I talked to him today and he sounded very defeated. He got a job handing out jumpsuits and storing clothes and a guy tried to jump him in the cage where he was working. This morning someone tried to get into a fight with him in the hallway. He says the gang guys think he is holding their stuff or losing it.
He talked to his mom for the first time since he's been in there. Although she was nice enough to accept that call, she is NOT supportive. She told him about a friend of his that recently committed suicide and that his grandfather is in the hospital because he had chest pains.
When I talked to him today, he was feeling very low. He SAYS he wants to stay clean, but I know how manipulative he can be, especially from jail. He does sound clean and I think he is clean in jail now. But I'm worried about his mental state now. He almost started to cry thinking that he might not see his grandfather again and that he lost another friend and wasnt there for the funeral. He says he is a target now because of his job and that its going to get worse and thats why he finally called his mom even though he knew it wouldnt cheer him up. I think he called her to say hello one last time.
I'm very worried he will get in a fight, go in the box, or worse. I know he is depressed and he sounded so defeated, I worry he will start using again or try to hurt himself. Or is he just playing me to get him out??

He sees the judge on Wednesday to ask for a bail reduction - he hasn't been sentenced yet. I know it's a horrible gamble - because he needs help, serious help, like shock camp, but I am so worried about him that I am starting to consider bailing him out. I dont want to enable him but I'm just very worried he might not make it.
What can I do for him to help him and not enable him?

Let him do his time and suffer the consequences of his actions/choices. It is not your responsibility to "fix" him and you cannot save him. He has to want to be clean and really put his whole heart into staying that way.

In my opinion, the best you can do for him is let him hit his bottom, then maybe he will get the help he truly needs. Share with him that you love and care about him, but you will not watch him destroy his life. That may sound harsh, but it is reality.

You can love him, but not the addiction. I would suggest you find a local Al-anon support group. They help friends and families of addicts understand all aspects of addiction. Plus,a lot of them are in the same shoes you are.

I hope that you do NOT bail him out. That is not going to do him any good. He is telling you about all the horror stories to try and get you to sucker into getting him out, so he does not have to face shit. Don't!!!

Good luck

Peace~
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  #3  
Old 04-16-2012, 07:55 PM
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Let me totally second what InmateLover said. You cannot get clean for him, or make him think straight.

And you don't even know if what he's telling you about being singled out for a beat-down is true.

Let him work it out for himself. There are AA and NA meetings in Rikers, and he can strt going.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:36 PM
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I want him to get the help he needs. I dont want to bail him out. I wish there was some way I could make sure he was safe. He signed up for the Road Not Taken program and I called today to advocate on his behalf since they haven't enrolled him yet. He said "it doesnt matter, it seems like a half-ass program since they never got back to me" it just seems like he is losing his strength. I wish there was some way to make sure he is safe. I want him to get help, I want him to WANT to get help, not to give up and just fall down deeper. Is it Rikers? He has been through other jails and managed to keep his head up. Maybe Rikers is the rock bottom he needs, it just seems like a much more dangerous place to be and I guess I'm scared for him and wish there was something I could do.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by grrrl_56 View Post
I want him to get the help he needs. I dont want to bail him out. I wish there was some way I could make sure he was safe. He signed up for the Road Not Taken program and I called today to advocate on his behalf since they haven't enrolled him yet. He said "it doesnt matter, it seems like a half-ass program since they never got back to me" it just seems like he is losing his strength. I wish there was some way to make sure he is safe. I want him to get help, I want him to WANT to get help, not to give up and just fall down deeper. Is it Rikers? He has been through other jails and managed to keep his head up. Maybe Rikers is the rock bottom he needs, it just seems like a much more dangerous place to be and I guess I'm scared for him and wish there was something I could do.

I am not trying to be negative, but him saying "it seems like a half-ass program" is a sign he is not ready to get clean. Anyone that has hit their bottom will take whatever they can get to try and get clean. How does he know it is a half-ass program? He has not been in it.

He wants to be bailed out so he can go on with doing what he wants to do. You cannot do anything to keep him safe. If he keeps his shit straight, he can get through this. If he has an attitude, they will have one with him as well. He will get treated the way he treats others.

My fiance always tells me that if they treat staff with respect, most of the time, they get it in return. If they go in there with a piss-poor attitude, it can be difficult for them to get along.

Really, all of this is up to him, he needs to decide what he is going to do. Is he going to fight everyone and everything, or is he going to surrender and get the help that is being offered.

You stated in your earlier post that he is good at manipulation. He seems to still be doing it, quite well.

Peace~
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:35 PM
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Take it from someone who has been there. DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT. He more than likely will get strung out again and not show up for court and then you are really screwed. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions

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Old 04-17-2012, 02:47 AM
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Do you really think that with all he is going through right now he would stay clean if you bailed him out?
I would be very frightened to bail him out and have him on the streets after being clean.
A lot of deadly overdoses happen right after they get out since they use as if they had not had a detox and that dose can send them six feet under really fast.
Add the situations that sent him into using to begin with and the problems his mother discusssed with him and he is a ticking bomb if he has ready access to as much as he wants.
I know he may have some problems inside and that can be serious.I'm not sugar coating the fact that incarceration is trying.It is probably safer than the streets right now though.
Do not bail him out!!!
Support him by encouraging him to get serious about taking the steps he needs to take to stay clean.
Yes,he is probably manipulating you but this is a great time to stand firm on his need for real help.
He needs to start dealing with lifes issues and pain,not self medicating all the way to the grave.
Huggs.
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Old 04-17-2012, 01:22 PM
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You probably need to stop wishing. I don't know if you can see it or not, but wishing, hoping, and all the rest is a futile exercise. Wishing doesn't cause anything to happen other then allowing you to string yourself along on an emotional ride.

He's a grown man. Simple as that. What he does is by his choice. Your wishes don't change a thing. Maybe they make you feel like you're somehow participating, but you're not. You're probably doing more harm than good.

He'll feed off of you fawning all over him, the poor baby stuff, or any of that kind of thing.

If you want to help him, tell him to stand up tall, look around, and deal with where he is, because that's the environment he put himself in and he's going to be there for a while.

His options are to come out better than he was when he went in, the same, or worse off. And he'll have to make that decision a dozen times a day, every single day.

It's obvious you want to help, but sometimes you have to stand back and let them fly, or let them fall. You can't do it for him.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:32 PM
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Default He has to choose to fix himself!!!

I agree with all the advice above.
You can't rescue him, he needs to rescue himself.
I know how hard it is to listen to him but he is in the safest place for now.
You are SAVING his life by letting him experience the consequences of his choices. You bail him out he WILL be using...PERIOD.
Drug addiction is pure hell for the addict and those who love them.
Be strong...read all you can, arm yourself with knowledge. The sooner you stand your ground the better.
I wish my husband and I had done things differently early on with our youngest son, we were so naive. We thought we could fix him...we just didn't understand the depth of addiction....now we do.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:35 AM
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From experience.. having a boyfriend who was a heroine addict (90 days in recovery!) you CANNOT bail him out. I did, and he continued to relapse. Maybe not initially, but eventually he would, maybe not on heroin, but eventually on something. They rely on manipulation to live when using drugs, and it becomes second nature to him. I have been in your shoes, and you search each response for a ounce of positivity. Unfortunately, in this case, the only way you can help him is to not help him. Often times, incarceration or the potential of rehab is the only way an individual can obtain recovery. Not guaranteeing that recovery will ever last... but at least it is a start. Jail is depressing, getting into trouble is depressing, so if he sounded depressed he probably is.. But it is the consequences of his behavior hitting him making him depressed, it is the withdrawal of drugs that is making him depressed and slowly, day by day, his thinking will get clearer and he will manage to make it through. Strength will reappear in him, just wait patiently. Unfortunately, this whole "addiction game" is merely a waiting game, we are always waiting for something...whether its relapse or recovery.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:48 AM
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How about: I'm sorry that you're going through this? How about that? Anyone???

The truth is that you cannot help an addict until they help themselves but there isn't anything wrong with wishing and wanting more for the one you love.

Peace and blessings...

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Old 05-04-2012, 02:02 PM
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I am sorry you're going through this. Lots of pain with these damn addictions. My husband too was severely depressed and wanted me to bail him out. Thank God the bail was so high. I am grateful that he had a lawyer who saw that getting him out would not help him in any way. My weak side wanted to rescue him, but it didn't win. He stayed in and was sentenced. 2nd strike in California. BUT, the good news is that at the end of his incarceration, he has a mandatory 7 month stint at a rehab that has a great reputation, and he now wants to go. He doesn't get to come home till he successfully completes the program. I have hope.
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:09 PM
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Love him and support him-because it is obvious you do. Being incarcerated, is a major change in both of your lives. You will both need to grieve. Unfortunately, because incarceration is not "affirmed" in our society it can make this difficult. You have both suffered a loss and will have to work through those emotions. After successfully processing through the grief process you will reorganize and assign new meaning to the situation. It might be helpful to find a support group that deals with grief. I know you want to focus on him, but to help him you have to work through this with yourself then you will understand the process much better to help him. Understanding the stages of grief may help you understand that these emotions are normal and won't last forever. People with addictions usually have underlying issues, substance abuse is the symptom. The personal part of his story suggests that he has difficulty processing grief, the death of his friend, if this is at the heart of his substance use, it very well may be that he is suffering post traumatic stress disorder. In addition, substance abusers usually lack the coping skills to deal with the stress life throws at us. It will benefit him to add coping skills to his "toolbox". If engaging in some activity will help you cope, I would reccommend learning about substance abuse, grief, coping skills, and post-traumatic stress disorder. If you feel that the information applies to him, suggest him reading it too. But the willingness to face these issues, which are usually painful, will have to be his. But you never know when you can light up the path to recovery for someone.
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