Why Pen Pals/MWI relationships?

[Allerednic]

To: Ilovemyviking

Shoe other foot - I met my friend on a pen pal site. The dynamics of the relationship work for me. My kids are adults my career is busy.

Prior I was married to a free man and if he ever was put in prison and guilty for the crime - and in doing this act by making a conscious choice to break the law and have to leave me and the kids alone. I would walk away and not look back. But that's my personal feelings - family first. He could not have loved us if he put himself in that situation. So I don't get the "relationship prior" how good could it have been that he made the decision to break the law.

[Ilovemyviking]

Originally Posted by pj663

Sadly I have family members in the system No penpal here. And no I didnt grow up with my husband ridin our big wheels down the street or known him before his incarceration however I can say that prior to knowing him I proabley would have turned up my nose at him but it was really learning the CDCR system and family members who's been in the system that really schooled me on alot of things mainly not passing judgment on someone incarcerated which is true.

Thank you for you polite answer.

[pj663]

Dont take the responses in a negative way. I believe the members are giving you their honest opinion. Sometimes the tone in our post can sound negative but really it's no pun intended. Your original post begain with I'm not trying to be disrespectful and I'm sure you werent trying to be but for those members who have MWI it can be a little irratating because in past I've seen many threads re: MWI vs. MBI so while your question was a open and honest one the members in return will give you their honest opinion.

[Ashmari3]

Originally Posted by Ilovemyviking

Ok Im not trying to be disrespectful. But I was thinking. How maybe it's different for a pen pal. I respect penpals to the fullest. But what I mean is like for me My man and I was together before he went in.,I know what its like to walk with him as a free man. I didn't get to go on a site and pick him out. But, what I was asking myself would I have ever written to a inmate if not him. I don't think I personally would. This is a hard life and to choose it I don't understand. Im happy people do it. Everyone need to have someone to love.
But, I can't say for me anyway that all penpals understand all parts of our life. This was something I always thought about.

Originally Posted by Ilovemyviking

For me its just the why? Why do you want this life. You know.
And yes I think are some parts of my life you can't get unless you have walked it. Like I had to watch my man change and be warped into a convict. My man is 25 but he looks 35. he used to be a cut up and smile all the time. Now he's depressed and hard, never smiles. Sure you will get to know him yes but you will never know who he once was.
And I don't care what you say. I respect you for taking the time to write. Most don't get any mail not even from the own mother. But no matter what you say it's different.
And really that was not what this post was about.

Ok I am mwi. I didnt know my guy was in prison for almost a year though. By that time i already had feelings and couldn't turn away from him. I was with my kids dad over 6 yrs then on and off for two more. I feel more inlove with my bf now then I did a man I have 2 kids with so I don't agree with just because you knew them before that your love is stronger. I spent hours and hours on the phone with my bf for months before I got feelings. I am not desperate and i didnt seek this out. I dont know why anyone would because I breakdown and cry all the time over our situiation. This is the hardest relationship I have ever had.

[starcatcher]

Hi

I wanted to answer why I decided to become a penpal, I love 1 of my pp's sometimes more than I think I will love anyone but were not together because I'm not strong enough for the battle a lot of women on here fight, but that's me personally...

But yeah writing, I got pregnant and I was on my own from the start, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, I was off work on maternity leave had a baby that slept all the time and yet didn't feel happy! I wanted to be grateful for the life I had, I wanted to reach out to someone in a less fortunate situation, so after hearing many times about prison penpals I looked into it, over the past few years there's been a few, only 1 that I feel is a part of me!

Funnily enough he's the 1 had I checked his crime I wouldn't of written, I wouldn't of felt I could connect with him, but he captured me like no other did, and I wish I could say I have that with all my PP's but I don't, he's my missing piece, if there was ever a person on this earth that I felt I belonged with its him, mentally right now though it'd destroy us to try, I don't trust enough and I don't know how I'd cope, I have so much respect for the ladies that do this MWI or MBI because I see how much that must take, I can't say I fully understand but I admire each and every one of you!

I wish I could tell you I didn't know how you fell in love through paper, unfortunately I see how those letters steal your heart

And I am now grateful for what I have, but I see he's he's not in a worse situation but it was how it was supposed to be how he would be brought into my life and he knows I thank god every day that I got to know him x

[starcatcher]

Oh I read my post when I said I can't say I fully understand I mean that I can't say I know how hard it really is x

[FastCarGirl]

Originally Posted by Ilovemyviking

Ok Im not trying to be disrespectful. But I was thinking. How maybe it's different for a pen pal. I respect penpals to the fullest. But what I mean is like for me My man and I was together before he went in.,I know what its like to walk with him as a free man. I didn't get to go on a site and pick him out. But, what I was asking myself would I have ever written to a inmate if not him. I don't think I personally would. This is a hard life and to choose it I don't understand. Im happy people do it. Everyone need to have someone to love.
But, I can't say for me anyway that all penpals understand all parts of our life. This was something I always thought about.

I get what you're saying. And for me, I'd never in a million years if my relationship with Frankie didn't work out, go searching through prisoner pen pal ads a dating pool.

The thing is, most women who start writing inmates aren't looking at it that way either....most aren't looking for love or a relationship, they're just trying to bring some sunshine into someone's life. But building a relationship from the ground up, without sex, where communication is almost everything, is a very powerful thing. And once you love someone, it's hard to just "not love them" because the circumstances are hard.

So really, I don't think it's a matter of women willfully seeking these type of relationships by answering an ad...it's like anything else, if love is meant to be, it'll grow and happen.

[solostintexas]

Originally Posted by Ilovemyviking

For me its just the why? Why do you want this life. You know.
And yes I think are some parts of my life you can't get unless you have walked it. Like I had to watch my man change and be warped into a convict. My man is 25 but he looks 35. he used to be a cut up and smile all the time. Now he's depressed and hard, never smiles. Sure you will get to know him yes but you will never know who he once was.
And I don't care what you say. I respect you for taking the time to write. Most don't get any mail not even from the own mother. But no matter what you say it's different.
And really that was not what this post was about.

I may not get to know the person my man was prior, but you will forever be missing the person your man used to be.

[BelieveInUs]

Ilovemyviking, I met my Sunshine through a penpal add. I wrote him because I know how painful is being in a prison, especially when you have to stay there forever. I wasn't looking for love but Sunshine happened to be a wonderful man who treats me like a Queen. He made me believe in love again. And believe me, it's a true miracle. Sunshine was depressed before meeting me, now he says he has a reason to live and make his life better. I didn't choose to fall in love with him but I chose to stay when it happened. And I think it's the same in mwi relationships and in mbi relationships: we decide to stay. There's no difference. One day Sunshine told me a great thing: "it doesn't matter how much time you spent holding each others hands: if you don't have connection, it's all worthless". Just think about it: we all decide to stay and support wonderful men (only few psychos write to an inmate looking for love, you write to a man for having a friend).

[solostintexas]

Many of the women on here will tell you that they didn't choose a pen-pal to fall in love with, I am one of those women. Keep in mind that I also have military pen-pals, and not once did I consider ever falling for one of them, same thing with my MWI mate.
One day I was doing a google search for an old friend of mine and the first link that popped up was a inmate penpal website. I figured my friend had been locked up and put up an ad, so I searched the ads to see if I could find my friend, I couldn't. But in the process, I saw an ad for this one man that peeked my interest. I let it go, but his words kept playing in my head. He reminded me of my brother who also did time, but passed away some time back. So I kept pushing the ad out of my mind for about 2 weeks until I couldn't resist, I went back, got his info and wrote him. We started off as friends, and slowly, I realized that my feelings were evolving into love. A few weeks later, he confessed that his feelings for me had also changed, and we are now happily in love.
I know you didn't mean your question to come off as judgemental, but it has, it's unfair for you to assume that your love is superior to our love.

[solostintexas]

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

I get what you're saying. And for me, I'd never in a million years if my relationship with Frankie didn't work out, go searching through prisoner pen pal ads a dating pool.

The thing is, most women who start writing inmates aren't looking at it that way either....most aren't looking for love or a relationship, they're just trying to bring some sunshine into someone's life. But building a relationship from the ground up, without sex, where communication is almost everything, is a very powerful thing. And once you love someone, it's hard to just "not love them" because the circumstances are hard.

So really, I don't think it's a matter of women willfully seeking these type of relationships by answering an ad...it's like anything else, if love is meant to be, it'll grow and happen.

I love this part. My man says the same thing. He says our type of relationships (MWI) are old fashioned. And really, it's true, we're doing things the way they used to be done. You start getting to know one another by writing. And for some reason, it's so much easier to communicate all your wants and needs when it's on paper.

[hisbabygurl2014]

I am sorry those who come on this forum and make theards that their relationship is better than those who met their loved ones inside are,the ones that have most problems in their relationships-they make,threads like this and having being shut down by smart individuals women like you ladies.,love you guys!

[starcatcher]

I know the question may have been posed wrong I don't think it was intended as a 'mines better than yours' I read it to be a case of OP asking what made people seek out those incarcerated and maybe take a chance of walking this path, I'm looking at it this way she fell for the man before, in hindsight had she known this was where she'd end up she may not have made those 1st steps with him, where as MWI always know that that road is a given x

But as I'd heard many times on here the heart wants what the heart wants x

[Ilovemyviking]

Originally Posted by starcatcher

I know the question may have been posed wrong I don't think it was intended as a 'mines better than yours' I read it to be a case of OP asking what made people seek out those incarcerated and maybe take a chance of walking this path, I'm looking at it this way she fell for the man before, in hindsight had she known this was where she'd end up she may not have made those 1st steps with him, where as MWI always know that that road is a given x

But as I'd heard many times on here the heart wants what the heart wants x

You got what I was trying to say. I just could not find the words. Thank you for understanding.

[Ilovemyviking]

Originally Posted by solostintexas

I may not get to know the person my man was prior, but you will forever be missing the person your man used to be.

True...

[queenlynch]

Everybody makes a choice to be in a prison (or any) relationship, even the ones that knew the prisoner before he went in. Every minute is a choice to stay and work through the difficult aspects of this life together.

[xmyheart]

My man and I are so deep in love and yes we met as pen pals!

But NO I did not one day decide to "be with an inmate" and hit up all the prisoner dating websites. LOL I did not suddenly decide "oh I want to be in a relationship with a man who I cannot be with, touch, physically have...but who I would instead have to painfully long for and love for years before he got out of prison." Are you kidding?

The way we met was completely accidental, as are many things in life. Like that saying goes, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans."

The way my man and I met is so irrelevant now. The fact is we met. Yeah, I know I didn't know him out here first. I know that! But what does that really matter? We got to know each other on a level that many people who meet out here never do. I have never felt this level of emotional connection with anyone else I have ever been with out here.

Yes, at times I doubted the sincerity. At times I doubted the whole thing. I often wondered if the only reason he loved me is because he had no one else. I wondered if he would love me the same once he was out in the free world. But you know what love taught me? Acceptance, courage, and faith. Whether we meet in the free world or while incarcerated, we always risk getting our hearts broken in the end.

But true love is blind.

It was a whole new world for me, one that I was quite unprepared for, or so I thought. But as our love grew, so did our inner strength. The bond we now share is immeasurable. We have been through a hell of a storm. Prison is trying. It is stressful, not only for them but for us as well. It is not a life we "choose". I did not sign up for this life but it was the life that the man I fell in love with lived, so I walked alongside with him.

I cannot tell you the outcome of MWI relationships, because each relationship is unique and special. I cannot even tell you the outcome of my own MWI relationship. Love is not a contract, nor is it a guarantee.

What I can tell you is that neither he or I have ever been so happy in love. My man was released from prison Friday! (more about his release is in my blog.) Our relationship has gotten 100 times better in the last 3 days. I will be able to truly be at his side in 15 days, but for now our whole world revolves around talking on the phone, texting, and waiting patiently a little longer. I know I cannot control him, or anything the future holds, all I can do is have faith in the man that life brought me. And yeah, he was incarcerated when we met. But how is that relevant? We found love, and that's all that matters.

[starcatcher]

Congrats on his release xmyheart I hope those 15 days fly by for you and wish you happiness for your future together xx

[xmyheart]

Originally Posted by starcatcher

Congrats on his release xmyheart I hope those 15 days fly by for you and wish you happiness for your future together xx

Thank you starcatcher! We are so excited and can't wait to be together at long last. Thank God for picture texts, we are really loving them! He is busy getting the house ready for me to get there..setting up the pool, painting, and yard work.

[Tela]

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

I get what you're saying. And for me, I'd never in a million years if my relationship with Frankie didn't work out, go searching through prisoner pen pal ads a dating pool.

The thing is, most women who start writing inmates aren't looking at it that way either....most aren't looking for love or a relationship, they're just trying to bring some sunshine into someone's life. But building a relationship from the ground up, without sex, where communication is almost everything, is a very powerful thing. And once you love someone, it's hard to just "not love them" because the circumstances are hard.

So really, I don't think it's a matter of women willfully seeking these type of relationships by answering an ad...it's like anything else, if love is meant to be, it'll grow and happen.

" once you love someone, its hard to "just not love them" because the circumstances are
hard"....NOW IF I HAVENT HEARD TRUE-ER words I tell ya!!! Puh-Rea-CHA!

aCHA

[MrsCetina]

Originally Posted by Lulu-48

To: Ilovemyviking

Shoe other foot - I met my friend on a pen pal site. The dynamics of the relationship work for me. My kids are adults my career is busy.

Prior I was married to a free man and if he ever was put in prison and guilty for the crime - and in doing this act by making a conscious choice to break the law and have to leave me and the kids alone. I would walk away and not look back. But that's my personal feelings - family first. He could not have loved us if he put himself in that situation. So I don't get the "relationship prior" how good could it have been that he made the decision to break the law.

I have to defend the relationships prior here. I can only speak for myself but my relationship with my husband was wonderful before he got arrested. Everyone lives different lifestyles and sees the issue of breaking the law differently. There are plenty of laws that i dont agree with, and I just dont see any correlation between following certain laws and my husband's love for me! So while trying to defend your relationship, you actually passed the same judgment on other people's relationships. Its not a contest.

[Miss_A]

Originally Posted by Ilovemyviking

Ok Im not trying to be disrespectful. But I was thinking. How maybe it's different for a pen pal. I respect penpals to the fullest. But what I mean is like for me My man and I was together before he went in.,I know what its like to walk with him as a free man. I didn't get to go on a site and pick him out. But, what I was asking myself would I have ever written to a inmate if not him. I don't think I personally would. This is a hard life and to choose it I don't understand. Im happy people do it. Everyone need to have someone to love.
But, I can't say for me anyway that all penpals understand all parts of our life. This was something I always thought about.

Just out of curiosity, have you consistently been in his life since the day he was locked up?

[Ambs033]

I understand the context of your question, and I'm not offended by your curiosity as I really did take it that you don't understand. We met in the prison. If you really do want a partially detailed perspective you should go read it. I didn't choose this life, and I don't think any of the other MWI ladies did either. It chose us. No, I didn't know Terry on the streets, and that's ok. We've been together 4 years, and he's out in 8 months after a term of 15-life. I fell in love with the Terry of today, not of yesterday, because just like any other relationship, I didn't know them in their past either. He's a convict no doubt...but he has class, intelligence, ambition, and all the respect I can offer for finishing this bit up a BETTER man instead of a BITTER one. We've had no choice about the lack of physical intimacy, but trust you me, because of that (I'm not even aloud to visit! Haven't seen him in 4 years!) we know each other better than ourselves. I've never been this close to anyone, and I never will be. I love that man who is walking out at 41 years old, I don't care what he was like when he was 20. In my eyes, there will never be another Terry. Not even close.

[Ilovemyviking]

Originally Posted by Miss_A

Just out of curiosity, have you consistently been in his life since the day he was locked up?

Yes.

[Allerednic]

(MrsCetina) you are right. I was just irritated. Tired of defending how I found my friend. I was researching stuff for work when I found an inmate pen pal site. Then I searched through a few and wrote a few and finally found my guy. I was looking for someone to laugh with and to talk to. No shame.

Ironically I have met his friends (inmates) and they are really nice men.

Though honestly I do feel parents with children to raise need to do everything they can to be there for their kids. Breaks my heart when a girl is home with a few kids and its dads 2nd or 3rd term. But each arrest and conviction has its own sad story of why.