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  #1  
Old 05-07-2012, 01:03 AM
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Default Completely and utterly confused...

Well hello to everyone I have read some of the posts here and so thought I would post some of my story here. Hubby is in jail on probation violation. I am the one who called the police and his probation officer. Do I feel bad about it? Hmm I am on the fence about it along with so many other things.

A little background for everyone me and hubby have been together for three years and have known each other for over ten years. Married for just a tiny bit over a year now. Hubby is addicted to crack and there lays our problem, he is not a violent man for the most part but twice now he has put his hands on me. The first time was almost two years ago..he had been out smoking crack all night and when he returned I was livid.we had a newborn and he had promised me that he was going to quit that he could do it on his own, we began arguing and I called his mother to come get him...he yanked up a bottle of my prescription muscle relaxers and said he wanted to die...in the middle of us fighting over the pill bottle he hit me in the face...i walked away from that one with a black eye...he was drunk and called the law on himself, so when they got to the home they of coursed picked up charges. I went and signed to drop the restraining order ......

Flash forward to now same thing but this time when he came home from being on a all night binge and I told him I was through with this life, I don't do drugs and have kids and won't allow that to be a part of their lives he could go to rehab or he could get out. He very calmly told me that he didnt give a flying fuck about me so I told him to get his stuff and go...next thing I knew he was choking me...my 16 year old walked in the room and said man that aint even cool get off of her...he said some more choice words and then left. I called the police and his probation officer and told them both that he was on a crack binge and they needed to get him some help.

Because his probation officer had not put a hold on him by wed I went and got a TPO because I knew if he came right back out that he would be right back to the drugs and didnt want him coming here. They have put a hold on him and his probation officer told me to bring the reports from the incidents to him because he even told the police he was high on dope and needed help to try to get him in rehab. He wants me to drop the restraining orders where he can write me and the kids. I have no trouble with this and have let him know that there is no coming home until he proves he is off the drugs BUT the thing is Im not so sure he will leave the drugs alone and he has proven that he can get violent while he is on them. He has never hit me while not on drugs but still Im torn and I feel stupid because everyone says to leave that if he will do it once he will do it again....

In the end I know the choice will be mine and I am planning on going to a support group on Thursday night but I am so confused in my head right now....
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:07 AM
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There are a lot of questions that might get you further down the road of understanding about whether he's permanently dangerous to you or not. If you go to your local domestic violence agency, you can have a danger assessment done to help you think it through.

You assume that it's the drugs that make him assaultive, but that's rarely true. Most of the time, abusers do in fact have addiction problems, but if/when they get sober they are still abusive. Even if it is the drugs, there's only about a 10% chance that he will get sober, so that leaves you with the abuse/drug problem in the future.

If you look back through the history of your intimate relationship, I suspect you will find that you have let a whole lot of not-so-good behavior slide. A lot of it was probably emotionally abusive, but you let it go with assorted excuses. If that's so, you have even more thinking to do.

I know it's incredibly hard to walk away, but it may be what you need to do, for you and your children.
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  #3  
Old 05-07-2012, 07:17 AM
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ek,

Welcome to PTO! You'll find an abundance of hope and support here.

Everything Nimuay said is the truth. If he hits you when he's high, he'll hit you when he's low. What makes him an abuser is how he reacts to his own low self-esteem.

If you do not keep the NCO, you may be asking for trouble. Talk about this in your support group. If you have any questions, ask away on this forum. We'll do our level best to give you answers.

Stay safe, hon.

Michele
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:45 AM
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a crackhead has to want to quit. i have grown up with family addicted to drugs and it will take years until they realize something is wrong. if he doesnt stay in rehab you will know he is not ready. one thing about a feen is they only care about where the next fix is coming from. im sorry you are going through this but in my opinion leave him and move on with your life. hes only gonna keep bringing you down.
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  #5  
Old 05-07-2012, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by ek2011 View Post
Well hello to everyone I have read some of the posts here and so thought I would post some of my story here. Hubby is in jail on probation violation. I am the one who called the police and his probation officer. Do I feel bad about it? Hmm I am on the fence about it along with so many other things.

A little background for everyone me and hubby have been together for three years and have known each other for over ten years. Married for just a tiny bit over a year now. Hubby is addicted to crack and there lays our problem, he is not a violent man for the most part but twice now he has put his hands on me. The first time was almost two years ago..he had been out smoking crack all night and when he returned I was livid.we had a newborn and he had promised me that he was going to quit that he could do it on his own, we began arguing and I called his mother to come get him...he yanked up a bottle of my prescription muscle relaxers and said he wanted to die...in the middle of us fighting over the pill bottle he hit me in the face...i walked away from that one with a black eye...he was drunk and called the law on himself, so when they got to the home they of coursed picked up charges. I went and signed to drop the restraining order ......

Flash forward to now same thing but this time when he came home from being on a all night binge and I told him I was through with this life, I don't do drugs and have kids and won't allow that to be a part of their lives he could go to rehab or he could get out. He very calmly told me that he didnt give a flying fuck about me so I told him to get his stuff and go...next thing I knew he was choking me...my 16 year old walked in the room and said man that aint even cool get off of her...he said some more choice words and then left. I called the police and his probation officer and told them both that he was on a crack binge and they needed to get him some help.

Because his probation officer had not put a hold on him by wed I went and got a TPO because I knew if he came right back out that he would be right back to the drugs and didnt want him coming here. They have put a hold on him and his probation officer told me to bring the reports from the incidents to him because he even told the police he was high on dope and needed help to try to get him in rehab. He wants me to drop the restraining orders where he can write me and the kids. I have no trouble with this and have let him know that there is no coming home until he proves he is off the drugs BUT the thing is Im not so sure he will leave the drugs alone and he has proven that he can get violent while he is on them. He has never hit me while not on drugs but still Im torn and I feel stupid because everyone says to leave that if he will do it once he will do it again....

In the end I know the choice will be mine and I am planning on going to a support group on Thursday night but I am so confused in my head right now....
You are being manipulated by this man and now you are thinking of lifting the order, so he can write to you and the kids. Why in the hell do your kids want anything to do with him, after witnessing him choking you?

Going to a support group is not going to give you the support you need to rid yourself of this man. You need to get to the local DV shelter and get some counseling, so you can learn all about abuse.

You are making an excuse for him when you say he is only abusive when he is using. I can almost bet money that you have had other signs of abuse, but you chose to play them off, or felt it was your fault that he talked/treated you that way. I am not saying he has physically abused you when he was sober, but I bet he has verbally and even emotionally.

You both need treatment and therapy...and focusing on yourself first is the best thing you can do. Get away from him, before he hurts you or your children, even more. Your children do not deserve to witness the abuse you are dealing with, and they surely do not need to witness a crack-head causing havoc in the home.

Please, get help and let him sit where he is and if he really wants to get clean and live a healthy life, he has some work to do. Believe what people are telling you, because they are spot-on. Do you really want to live the rest of your life in fear? I would hope not....because if you choose to stay with this guy, you will not be able to trust he will never use again. He is an addict and he is always going to battle his addiction. I know, people will disagree with me, but when you are in the D&A field and work with addicts, you see a different reality than those who love the addicts.

Peace~
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  #6  
Old 05-07-2012, 09:26 AM
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Well this morning when I got up the first thing I did was called the victims advocate who helped me get the TPO in place. I spoke with her about how I was feeling and told her that I wanted to get into counseling as soon as possible because I do not want to make any rash decisions.Yes there has been emotional abuse but I did not even realize it was emotional abuse ( he would threaten to kill himself if I did leave) While sober he was not abusive in any way or form. But the thing is most nights he was not even home. I do not allow drugs in my house so he would run the roads with his friends. So do I think he is a violent person overall? I don't. DO I think he will leave the crack alone? Thats the problem ..no I don't honestly in the bottom of my heart no I don't, which leads me right back to the fact of where I am sitting now. But she said it is possible to lift the no calls and allow him to write the children without dropping the PTO. Is this something I want to do? I'm not sure but its a option to still keep him from my residence while I see if he can get clean...Do I even want to be with this man? I'm not even sure......

I just need to figure all this out in my mind and I thank everyone for responding. I told her I would be a the support group she hosts Thursday night and she is going to help me get in some therapy while Im there so here we go.....
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Old 05-07-2012, 09:28 AM
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Oh and just to clarify the support group is a domestic violence support group. The victims advocate said it would help me to learn the cycles and how to not become a victim again and to sort out the mess of a mind I have right now.
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:20 PM
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That is great news! I'm so glad you are seeking help, it will help you like others have already said to sort things out. I worry about the lifting of the order and involving the kids at this point. Please be safe and think about your decisions!
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:33 PM
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Oh and just to clarify the support group is a domestic violence support group. The victims advocate said it would help me to learn the cycles and how to not become a victim again and to sort out the mess of a mind I have right now.
You are on the right track! Once you have had some counseling and group sessions under your belt, you will be able to think more clearly and make healthy decisions for your future.

Be patient with yourself and it will all work out. Don't give up.....you can do this!

Peace~
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:09 AM
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I applaud you for what youre doing...yes you love this man, but you're putting you and your children first. You have to do that in these situations. Sending warm thoughts your way b.c I know what you are going through isn't easy by any means. Keep your chin up b.c happier days are surely around the corner.
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