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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 05-07-2012, 09:46 AM
HisKissOfLife HisKissOfLife is offline
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Default My Boyfriend Relapsed

It's something I knew would come given prison isn't exactly a conducive environment to recovery. His original drug of choice was heroine and he's been clean from that for 20 months now. Morning before last I got a call from him and he was completely drunk. As a whole he hasn't touched anything that will alter his state of mind in the past 20 months in order to be safe. I wasn't upset, I wasn't mad, I was scared for him and worried out of my mind.

I don't tend to take much of what anyone says to heart when their drunk but he was so down and so sad. Then his temper would flare and he'd want to go after someone and I'd have to talk him down. I eventually talked him into going back to his cell to get some sleep. Yesterday when he called he said he didn't really want to talk about it, kept telling me to drop it. All I wanted to know was what drove him to the point where he felt the need to drink.

Things lately have been tough between us. He proposed last visit which I'm ecstatic about but I feel like ever since I walked out of that visiting room door it's been us against the world. His dad isn't supportive of it at all, his mom said she was but then told some of his friends who proceeded to drive half was across CA to spy on me and see if I was 'good enough'. Now mind you, there isn't anything to spy on as they've never met me and don't even know what I look like. They proceeded to write him and tell him I'm doing him wrong in so many ways and marrying me will be the worst mistake he's ever made. I am SO angry about all of this. I want to confront his 'friends' that did this. He got the letter friday evening and he was so sad when I talked to him on the phone but I thought I had cheered him up a bit. He didn't tell me about the letter until yesterday when he was sober but admitted it was why he slipped.

What I love most is that he didn't question me at all. He gave absolutely NO weight to the letter whatsoever but he was upset that I kept pushing and wanting to know why he drank. I think it's embarrassment on his part because he had a weak moment. I was so worried that yes, I pushed and pushed until I got an answer - but that's me. He wants to just move past the letter bullshit and he told his so called friends to f*** off but I'm having a hard time. I'm wondering if we're really moving past it since we're not really addressing it, almost feels like I'm just supposed to stick my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. The last thing I want is to be the person or cause of stress in his life that leads him to relapsing. Any thoughts welcome.
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  #2  
Old 05-07-2012, 04:23 PM
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I've learned in my years of dealing with alcoholics and drug addicts that it is quite useless to ask why they drank, or why they did drugs. Most of the time they don't know why themselves. It's part of the addiction.
You are not the reason that he relapsed. He relapsed because he has a disease. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

I would suggest that you get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting or a Nar-Anon meeting. It will help you tremendously.
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  #3  
Old 05-07-2012, 04:43 PM
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The last post was good advice. Addiction is a disease that can have flare ups. He has to take the responsibility for it and come up with a plan or new coping skills to deal with stressors that come up that could trigger a relapse. Even though he is in prison, he can still be self motivated to learn about his disease, there is a lot of material out there to do just that. It sounds like you have a lot more going on, than just that? Do you think the other people's reactions could be stemming from something else? Are they just concerned over a prison romance, or is there more there?
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  #4  
Old 05-07-2012, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by SDN1121 View Post
It's something I knew would come given prison isn't exactly a conducive environment to recovery. His original drug of choice was heroine and he's been clean from that for 20 months now. Morning before last I got a call from him and he was completely drunk. As a whole he hasn't touched anything that will alter his state of mind in the past 20 months in order to be safe. I wasn't upset, I wasn't mad, I was scared for him and worried out of my mind.

I don't tend to take much of what anyone says to heart when their drunk but he was so down and so sad. Then his temper would flare and he'd want to go after someone and I'd have to talk him down. I eventually talked him into going back to his cell to get some sleep. Yesterday when he called he said he didn't really want to talk about it, kept telling me to drop it. All I wanted to know was what drove him to the point where he felt the need to drink.

Things lately have been tough between us. He proposed last visit which I'm ecstatic about but I feel like ever since I walked out of that visiting room door it's been us against the world. His dad isn't supportive of it at all, his mom said she was but then told some of his friends who proceeded to drive half was across CA to spy on me and see if I was 'good enough'. Now mind you, there isn't anything to spy on as they've never met me and don't even know what I look like. They proceeded to write him and tell him I'm doing him wrong in so many ways and marrying me will be the worst mistake he's ever made. I am SO angry about all of this. I want to confront his 'friends' that did this. He got the letter friday evening and he was so sad when I talked to him on the phone but I thought I had cheered him up a bit. He didn't tell me about the letter until yesterday when he was sober but admitted it was why he slipped.

What I love most is that he didn't question me at all. He gave absolutely NO weight to the letter whatsoever but he was upset that I kept pushing and wanting to know why he drank. I think it's embarrassment on his part because he had a weak moment. I was so worried that yes, I pushed and pushed until I got an answer - but that's me. He wants to just move past the letter bullshit and he told his so called friends to f*** off but I'm having a hard time. I'm wondering if we're really moving past it since we're not really addressing it, almost feels like I'm just supposed to stick my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. The last thing I want is to be the person or cause of stress in his life that leads him to relapsing. Any thoughts welcome.
First and foremost, it does not matter if a person is locked up or on the streets, if they are not sincere about getting clean and sober, they won't.

In my opinion, prison can be a place for recovery, however, the individual has to want it, sobriety cannot be forced.

So are you saying that your b/f is getting drunk in prison? Is he in an alcohol and drug program in there? Sounds to me like he is not serious about sobriety, because he is substituting one mind-altering substance for another.

There is not one person or anything that causes him to use, he is an addict, plain and simple. He did not want to talk on the phone, because calls are monitored and recorded. He is continuing his use, even though he is locked up, that is not a good sign.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about whether he uses or not? That is something you need to think about, because he will always be an addict and unless he is in a support group and has new fresh goals in place, he will more than likley relapse.

I suggest you get yourself into Al-anon and learn about how to detach from his addiction and to realize you did not cause him to drink, you cannot control it, and you certainly cannot cure it.

Hun, living with an addict is a difficult road, but as long as you stay focused on your recovery, you will be better able to handle issues when they arise. I say recovery, because in Al-anon you learn that when being involved with an addict, you become sick as well.

I would not worry about his family and friends, as he is the one that needs to handle them. You need to focus on what your person goals are and not enable him to continue in his addiction. You need to tell him that if/when he comes to terms with his addiction and seeks treatment, you will be there for him, however, you will no longer watch him self-destruct. That my dear is detachment.

Think long and hard about this relationship. You will need a lot of strength to keep up with an addict, using or not. I wish you the very best!

Peace~
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  #5  
Old 05-07-2012, 05:13 PM
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I just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean that other people's opinions of your relationship matter, but if they caused him to relapse-there is something in his head, even if they are normal insecurities, that needs to be talked about.
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InmateLover67 View Post
First and foremost, it does not matter if a person is locked up or on the streets, if they are not sincere about getting clean and sober, they won't.

In my opinion, prison can be a place for recovery, however, the individual has to want it, sobriety cannot be forced.

So are you saying that your b/f is getting drunk in prison? Is he in an alcohol and drug program in there? Sounds to me like he is not serious about sobriety, because he is substituting one mind-altering substance for another.

There is not one person or anything that causes him to use, he is an addict, plain and simple. He did not want to talk on the phone, because calls are monitored and recorded. He is continuing his use, even though he is locked up, that is not a good sign.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about whether he uses or not? That is something you need to think about, because he will always be an addict and unless he is in a support group and has new fresh goals in place, he will more than likley relapse.

I suggest you get yourself into Al-anon and learn about how to detach from his addiction and to realize you did not cause him to drink, you cannot control it, and you certainly cannot cure it.

Hun, living with an addict is a difficult road, but as long as you stay focused on your recovery, you will be better able to handle issues when they arise. I say recovery, because in Al-anon you learn that when being involved with an addict, you become sick as well.

I would not worry about his family and friends, as he is the one that needs to handle them. You need to focus on what your person goals are and not enable him to continue in his addiction. You need to tell him that if/when he comes to terms with his addiction and seeks treatment, you will be there for him, however, you will no longer watch him self-destruct. That my dear is detachment.

Think long and hard about this relationship. You will need a lot of strength to keep up with an addict, using or not. I wish you the very best!

Peace~

First off, thank you all for your replies. Part of why I posted, it's definitely helpful to have experienced views on this.

There are a few things I didn't clarify. I did not involve myself with this man when he was using frequently, this is my first experience with him and any sort of 'substance' abuse. He started taking the steps towards recovery on his own 2 years ago. My sister is a recovering addict herself and during her use I refused to have anything to do with her. I am not completely new to the situation but I AM completely new to being in love with someone who is recovering.

Part of what attracted me to him is that he has taken the steps to turn his life around and has done so nearly on his own. He was locked up in Corcoran SHU for years and now, within the past 6 months he is getting his first taste of any sort of freedom. I don't have any point of reference for what he is going through, none at all. The drinking incident was the one and only incident within the past 20 months that I am AWARE of and I don't believe he would hide it from me.

Good idea on the Al-Anon meetings. I will definitely look into that. We talked today and he did mention on his own that he will be signing up for the groups they have available at his new facility. Thank you all for getting my head on straight about it. I definitely have to remember that it's not about me.
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:37 PM
HisKissOfLife HisKissOfLife is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RG's girl View Post
The last post was good advice. Addiction is a disease that can have flare ups. He has to take the responsibility for it and come up with a plan or new coping skills to deal with stressors that come up that could trigger a relapse. Even though he is in prison, he can still be self motivated to learn about his disease, there is a lot of material out there to do just that. It sounds like you have a lot more going on, than just that? Do you think the other people's reactions could be stemming from something else? Are they just concerned over a prison romance, or is there more there?
I honestly knew nothing of these 'friends' before the drama popped up. His dad and I have never met, nor talked, so I think he's somewhat blind sided by the whole thing of course. His mother is a recovering addict/schizophrenic so I don't count on her for anything in particular, I try and keep things simple with her. She said she is supportive but I believe she's the one that told his 'friends' what was going on and they took it upon themselves to see what's up... though I have no idea how they would know anything about me.

He has some trust issues and I have issues with not being trusted when I've done nothing wrong. We did a lot of talking in circles today and then agreed to just drop it but I'm aware that probably won't happen and the issue will probably pop up again. We'll see.
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:33 AM
Rachel C Rachel C is offline
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I think he is definitely lucky to have you. You sound like a girl who has her head screwed on right. You love him unconditionally and yet you motivate him to want to seek treatment. Sometimes it takes some encouraging on the outside for someone to wake up and realize they need help. You are that motivating factor for him and I applaud you for that. It sounds like he didn't have the support and love he needed before now?
I wish you both happiness, and wishing him many more months/ years of good health. Take care of yourself.
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:54 PM
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Learn eveything you can about addiction and look into those support meetings. It really helped me to understand a lot about addiction. Hey, it is never a bad thing to learn more.
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