Am I over reacting? (Issues w/Child's Mother Visiting and Letter Writing)

[missingaj7]

My man has a son with another women he is four years old the jail he is at the legal parent or guardian has to take the child no one else can, so him baby mom has to go visit which bugs me but I want him to see his son and it's for his son not her! She openly admitted to me that she still loves my man and that if he wanted her he could have her! All I said is you need to respect our relationship n were fine I asked last night at visits what they talk about and he said general things and about his son and about my mans sister that's it, and then I asked if they hug hi n bye and he said yes, which it bugs me because he didnt hug her out of jail y is he now ? And he says he can't stand her... Y hug her then I know it's just a hug so I'm not Gna make a huge deal out of it, she gets to visit more cuz that's his son and I don't like that his ex hugs my man more then I do! But what really bugged me is this... He gets mail basically everyday from me, and he thanks me all the time and he said thanks and that he app it and loves me for it and that it helps him get threw the day, and I said your welcome I want you to feel better in there n do what I can and he said thanks, and he said i know you wish I write more but I'm busy in here and I get tired and all this n I'm thinking I could say that too but I do it cuz I know he needs it but what about me?? I work full time go to college full time and have a social life, i do it!!! I need stuff out here what about me I plan on talking about it the next time he calls but am I over reacting?? And he sent me about 8 letter in three months he's been in

[Ms. Tazzie]

It sounds like ur feeling a tad but insecure about the whole thing.. u should talk to ur man about what ur feeling.
I get the BM is visiting more and he's not assuring u like u need him to... Talk to ur man..

[tripsgirl]

I know how you feel! My fiancee's baby momma is still in love with and wants my man back. I had to let her go to the county jail to visit him without me & it SUCKED. They could only talk behind a tv screen but it still worried me cause I know what she's gonna say. I can't stand her and I wish we didn't have to deal with her. But I love his son & I guess I gotta put up with it. :/ The whole hugging thing would REALLY REALLY bug me. BUT, at least he told you & didn't try to lie about it.

I wouldn't write him as much as you do so maybe he will get the point that you need letters too. I get a letter almost every week & every single day I don't get one I hate it. I'd definitely talk to him about it and let him know you need letters too!

[countryzgirl]

He hugs the mother of his child who is good enough to bring her child to a prison to see her dad. Good for him for being civil. It's a friendly hug, for goodness sakes. My ex and I hug when we see each other. It hardly means I want him back. We aren't together for good reason. I suspect the same goes for your man and the mother of his child.
You chose to be with a man with a child and BM. Therefore, you need to put your insecurities aside, suck it up and be an adult. The child's best interests are what matter here. Period. If that means his parents hug when they see each other, you're gonna have to deal with it. This business about which of you gets more hugs is silly - I suggest you stop yourself from indulging such thoughts.
As for the letters - let him know you wish to receive more. If he doesn't comply then you can either choose to write him less or consider that he is not as committed to your needs as you are to his. He is who he is. You can't change that. Talk to him first, then see how it goes.
Good luck!

[Patty]

I think it is reasonable that you feel "icky" about those hugs, however, it is what it is and noone can come between you and your man unless you or your man allow them to.

I always err on the side of doing what is best for the sake of the child. To that end, the mother will always be in your man's life on some level. You will have to make peace with that if you are to remain in this relationship.

As for the letter writing, well only you know what your needs in that area are and you must let him know of your expectations. Because you are holding him down it is only fair that he do the same to the extent that it is possible from inside. To do otherwise is to allow the DOC to dictate the direction of your relationship in ways that are unreasonable. I don't give "breaks" to someone just because they are incarcerated. Being a loving, respectful, caring, and nurturing human being is something you are or you aren't despite the environment you are living in. Talk to him very seriously about it - communication is key to any successful relationship.

[Beachhouse]

I also think that like patty said no big breaks to people inside. They can and should be caring attentive and make time. My guy has gotten a bit off schedule since he went from 23hrs/day lock down in reception to so much more freedom. He's having to make a schedule to write and it kind of bugs me because I have over full days and still can write each day and multiple pages. I wouldn't be able to last as long as I have with no mail. It's too hard to not talk.

[COMPLETElyhis]

I think it's great that your man has such a relationship with his child's mother that she's willing to endure the mess in order to bring the child to see him. That in itself isn't any easy feat. The fact that he hugged her I don't think it should bother you so long as you're secure in your relationship. Are you just feeling like you wish it were you and not her?? Or do you seriously have an issue with the fact that she still loves and wants to be with him? I mean technically she has an advantage as she has his child, but who has his heart?



As far as the letter writing is concerned..he's not busy and if so, what the hell is he doing????? There is no way that he's THAT busy with "stuff" that he can't write you more often. When C was gone, he didn't write as often as I did but he was honest and told me that oftentimes he just didn't feel like it. Maybe your man just doesn't feel like it??

Peace and blessings...

[missingaj7]

Thanks ladies!! I guess with his bm it's hard only cuz of our situation and I'm going to tell him that getting a letter more often would be nice I know me n my man can work threw it, it's just this situation gets you over thinking n stressed easy

[jaded4yogi]

It is extremely easy to over think things in this situation. If you are going to get through this you have to be very secure in your relationship and truly KNOW that your man loves you, respects you, and wants to be with only you. That is in relation to both of the issues you seem to be having. More specifically with the letter writing, from personal experience, once you're in for an extended period of time, it is sometimes easier to just "jail". Thinking about the outside world is painful and sometimes it is easier to let it slip your mind every now and then and just deal with what's in front of you. I know it sounds really bad, but it doesn't mean he loves you any less, it's just the easiest way to do time. Just talk to him.

[shaunna]

I can understand you feeling a bit awkward but ifhis child is there, maybe he's trying his best to get along with her for the sake of him?

[missingaj7]

Yea I'm not worried bout her lol I think I just wish it was me hugging him more lol but I know I'm the one who has him not her not going to make a big deal out of that one but the writing I'm just Gna talk to him I know he doesn't try to upset me, n doesnt want me to be upset il say it n I know I will get a letter soon

[Mrs.taylor2011]

ill be kinda mad too about him huggin is babymama its natural feelings i guess lol..trust me i get from your coming from.

[Mrs. Happy]

OMG I use to go through this but she use to kiss my husband on the check too!!! It's always been like this between them but after we got married I flipped out and flashed on my hubby. It's about boundaries and respect! I told my husband he wouldn't like it either if my son's father was hugging me and kissing me on the check!! So I do understand why it bothers you and you're not over reacting. On the letters just ask him if he could write you more. Don't get on him about it just tell him you would love to get more mail from him....... = ) I guess I'm the opposite I.d be more bothered by the hugging than the writing.

[Scotties_Girl21]

Originally Posted by missingaj7

My man has a son with another women he is four years old the jail he is at the legal parent or guardian has to take the child no one else can, so him baby mom has to go visit which bugs me but I want him to see his son and it's for his son not her! She openly admitted to me that she still loves my man and that if he wanted her he could have her! All I said is you need to respect our relationship n were fine I asked last night at visits what they talk about and he said general things and about his son and about my mans sister that's it, and then I asked if they hug hi n bye and he said yes, which it bugs me because he didnt hug her out of jail y is he now ? And he says he can't stand her... Y hug her then I know it's just a hug so I'm not Gna make a huge deal out of it, she gets to visit more cuz that's his son and I don't like that his ex hugs my man more then I do! But what really bugged me is this... He gets mail basically everyday from me, and he thanks me all the time and he said thanks and that he app it and loves me for it and that it helps him get threw the day, and I said your welcome I want you to feel better in there n do what I can and he said thanks, and he said i know you wish I write more but I'm busy in here and I get tired and all this n I'm thinking I could say that too but I do it cuz I know he needs it but what about me?? I work full time go to college full time and have a social life, i do it!!! I need stuff out here what about me I plan on talking about it the next time he calls but am I over reacting?? And he sent me about 8 letter in three months he's been in

You have every right not to like it even though its not up to you. It is in the best interest of his son so there's really not much you can say.

I applaud all the women that can deal with this kind of situation because bm or not I'd FLIP SHIT if he was hugging another female. Like you said he didn't hug her when he wasn't locked down, so why now? I'd say it to him just like how you said in your post. Like I said this is just me and personally idc if its right or wrong to feel this way if he was hugging her I'd be pissed and I'm not insecure I feel this way because if my man saw me hugging my baby's daddy he would be like "wtf was that about"

Your a strong woman and it sounds like you have the kids best interest witch is awesome cuz KIDS COME FIRST but that don't mean he gotta hug her IMO.

[Mrs. Happy]

Originally Posted by Scotties_Girl21

You have every right not to like it even though its not up to you. It is in the best interest of his son so there's really not much you can say.

I applaud all the women that can deal with this kind of situation because bm or not I'd FLIP SHIT if he was hugging another female. Like you said he didn't hug her when he wasn't locked down, so why now? I'd say it to him just like how you said in your post. Like I said this is just me and personally idc if its right or wrong to feel this way if he was hugging her I'd be pissed and I'm not insecure I feel this way because if my man saw me hugging my baby's daddy he would be like "wtf was that about"

Your a strong woman and it sounds like you have the kids best interest witch is awesome cuz KIDS COME FIRST but that don't mean he gotta hug her IMO.

Exactly this is how I felt my husband wouldn't like it either and he would not be cool with me huggin and kissing my baby's daddy on the cheek. When I see my baby's daddy i shake his hand and that's as far as it goes.

[missingaj7]

Thank you!!! I live PTO

[blaccwife]

A man that hugs his child's mother is fine. Hugging a woman who clearly has feelings for your man is a different story. Im sorry but any display of affection is gonna be taken the wrong way to somebody who wishes to get back together. OP, I definitely understand why you would be pissed.

[missingaj7]

So what should I do??

[blaccwife]

Talk to him and tell him that it's not the act of hugging your child's mother that's bothering you. It's the person that he's hugging...that's the problem.

[missingaj7]

I'm going to try and do that next time he calls, I wrote him a letter about writing more, and il bring it up by the next time she visits