Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

mamaboyz · #1 05-15-2012, 08:23 PM

My oldest son was just sentenced yesterday and I am going through so many different emotions. Family and friends are calling, but I won't answer the phone. Tears just roll down my cheeks even when I try not to cry. I am so angry with my son. I preached to him and his brothers all the time about staying out the jail system. Yesterday, I was so furious that I decided I didn't want to talk, write or visit him. But today, I want to visit with him everyday until he is out. I want to do whatever that will help make this time pass. But then I think about where he is, and I get angry all over again! I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't know how I will be able to handle it. I don't want anyone to see me cry. I just want to stay in my bed. I don't want to face anyone. I feel like I am screaming from the inside and I can't let it out. How can I get through this?

bluebella · #2 05-15-2012, 09:03 PM

Me too, it was a roller coaster for sure!! I could not take time off work and I must say over the years having a job like that saved my life. My two best friends both died of cancer, barely fourty one year that was tuff!! I think I miurned longer when my son went to prison. Just do it one day at a time. One step at a time. Do a few things this evening as if your going to work, you have options, give yourself time. Know what your feeling is known by all of us!! Bless you and please vent, vent!

1bird2 · #3 05-15-2012, 09:11 PM

Welcome...Bless your heart......for joining our club. I'm so sorry for your pain.....it really does take time for all of the "out of control emotions" to settle down. Can you take a few days off work? I worked the day after my son was sentenced....but I didn't have to face another human! Whatever the case is, you have to KNOW that you will make it....your son will make it. DON'T LOSE HOPE EVER....there is a bright future out there....even when you can't see it or feel it....it is there. You will find a new "normal"....eventually.
I'm glad you reconsidered writing, talking with, and visiting your son....he is going to need your love and support to make the best of his time....and it will help you too.
I'd say he is probably as mad at himself as you are at him.....but it does not mean that you don't love him!
I really hope you can take a day or two before heading to work....
Is he going to be in a prison close to you? I am praying that he will be....
You come on here as often and you need to....we will help you in anyway we can....
I will keep you and yours in my prayers....and please know that the raw emotions will settle down...and you'll get into a new normal....and you WILL MAKE IT! YOU WILL.
.....but take a day off if you can! It won't always feel as bad as it does today.
Love and prayers,
XXOO

JerryB2012 · #4 05-15-2012, 09:20 PM

Mamaboyz - I grieve with you. Like many on this forum, I never thought I'd be in this place watching my son go to prison. The pain as you say is almost unbearable. In my deepest, darkest hour when no amount prayer would give me any relief or peace I guess my prayers were answered and I found this forum. Just to know there are so many out there going through the same thing and knowing when they read my pleas for help they are praying for me and sharing my pain is so comforting. I hope that you can also find some comfort in sharing your experience with us and electronically commiserating with us. I will pray that God keeps your son safe and that He provides you some measure of peace to be able to live your life while you wait for your son to return to you. God bless.

moondoggie1 · #5 05-16-2012, 06:57 AM

I wish I could give you some words of comfort that would take away the pain, but I don't think there are any. The whole experience is agonizing. Society is filled with big gapping holes of ignorance. If there was any awareness of what this experience really is--not only would no one expect you to go to work--but they would understand that incarcerating people is a BIG deal with repercussions that extend far beyond the person they intended to punish. You are in mourning, but you're experiencing it in a world that doesn't recognize it. Someone on this site once posted that you don't get over it, but you do get hardened to it. I think that's true. Like all great traumas, it takes time though. What you're going through is normal..and it WILL get a little less intense as time goes by. I think back on the first year my son was incarcerated, and wonder why I didn't get an anti-depressant. Under the circumstances, it's absolutely reasonable to seek out whatever help there is to relieve the pain. Take care, and I'm sorry about your son.

szcunane · #6 05-16-2012, 10:53 AM

just wanted to say I'm sorry . . .the sentencing is hard, because it takes away some of the hope . .it makes it all so real. and it's exhausting being the parent of a child who has committed a crime. we love our kids, we hate what they did. we understand they need to be punished, but we hate the time that they will be away from us. we worry over how they are, will they be safe, will they be healthy, will they get help they need, will they be hungry, and we worry about what will happen to them when they get out. We're moms, we worry because we love so deeply. Gradually you will grow into a new routine, but for now, give yourself time to grieve, time to rest, time to adjust. if you need a day or two take it, just don't put off the "regular" routine for too long. and if you find you need medical help or counseling, do it. Take care of you - your family needs you, and most especially your son needs you. and it's okay to be mad at your son . . .and it's okay to love him. you will be on the roller coaster, aka, prison mom, for awhile . . it's not the best place to be, but we are here to take the ride with you. We understand the emotions. we feel them too. I hope today is a better day, and that tomorrow is a little better. step by step, day by day.

KidzMom · #7 05-16-2012, 11:26 AM

It is so hard to go through this - the greatest test of a parents strength! I went work after my son's sentenceing - same day - I was dazed and confused but I must say that going to work helped me to not dwell to much. I have many people that I deal with face to face on a daily basis and they know when I am down. Only a few know why but they all try to keep my spirits up or lighten the mood when I have my meltdowns. I have resigned myself to the fact that the meltdowns can be triggered by anything

and I cannot control the place or the time so I just keep plugging along through the tears. I am grateful to have the distraction of work because when I am alone with a meltdown I cannot function at all..... Day by day...one step at a time... my heart breaks when I think of all the parensts in pain out here but it is comforted by the support!

wickit · #8 05-16-2012, 11:41 AM

This is the hardest part of all, the beginning! We all understand because we've been there! These ladies here have given you the best advice and I hope you know we are always here for you! HUGS!!!

KidzMom · #9 05-16-2012, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wickit

This is the hardest part of all, the beginning! We all understand because we've been there! These ladies here have given you the best advice and I hope you know we are always here for you! HUGS!!!

OMG Wickit! Awesome for your son and can't stop looking at the piggie LOL!

Straight · #10 05-16-2012, 12:22 PM

Start with this. Go ahead and scream! Go out into the woods and scream your head off. Scream for as long as you want to.

Get it out of your system. If you hold emotions in, they just start to boil. Go scream! Seriously!

Ok. Are you back from screaming? Next. Don't stop living your life. It won't help a thing. Stay active, look for ways to help where you can, but live your life and understand that people we love make decisions we hate. But they are not your decisions to make.

Time is going to help. So scream for a little longer. Get mad, throw rocks at trees, do whatever you have to do to let it out until time kicks in.

Then look to the wonderful gals here. They've been where you are. They can talk to you in ways that will make sense.

Hang in there.

asmom · #11 05-16-2012, 07:53 PM

I'm very sorry for your pain. I can relate to you as well as all the moms on here. The first few days are very hard then the roller coaster begins. There will be good days and bad days. Know that we're here for you. Don't forget to take care of yourself. I'm glad to hear that you will consider writing and visiting, having communication will bring comfort to both you and your son. Take care and God bless.

dbd335 · #12 05-16-2012, 07:59 PM

as always some really good advice has already been given - I really can't offer anything different - we do all understand how desperate those first few days (weeks, months...) feel - do what you need to do to find some peace - take care of yourself - your son needs you to do that - you need you to do that - please know that prayers are being sent for all who are facing this journey -

tglsmom · #13 05-16-2012, 09:59 PM

I think Wickit has it right. The beginning really is the hardest. There will be lots of crying and your heart will feel like it is breaking. There will be disbelief that this has happened to your family and your son, in particular. Your emotions will be all over the place, but please now that it's totally normal and that there is nothing wrong with you at all. I know that it's hard to believe right now, but this journey will get easier as the days and months go by. You will develop a routine of writing, talking on the phone and, hopefully, visiting. You WILL get through this. You will never be alone because we're all here to support you and offer encouragement when you are feeling down. We know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now and it's OK!!

tglsmom · #14 05-16-2012, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wickit

This is the hardest part of all, the beginning! We all understand because we've been there! These ladies here have given you the best advice and I hope you know we are always here for you! HUGS!!!

I'm so happy that your son is home, wickit! You must be loving every minute of it - even if he is eating you out of house and home!! Great news!

mrsrimoldi · #15 05-17-2012, 01:10 PM

As a parent we all understand just how you are feeling. I can't even begin to explain how many emotions I felt after sentencing. I wasn't able to work for over a year and I was so thankful I have a very supportive husband. This is the hardest part. Don't bottle up those feelings b/c they will tell on you in some other form so for now just roll with whatever you are feeling. Know there are people here who care and understand so vent away.

JerryB2012 · #16 05-17-2012, 10:17 PM

My son is scheduled to be sentenced next week, Wed morning. Best case scenario is a 1 year work camp type program but more likely 2- 5 years in prison. This boy has continually pushed the envelope and now at 19 yrs it has finally caught up with him and the reality is sinking in and he is scared to death. My heart breaks yet my anger at how many chances he was given that he just pissed on consumes me as well. I have a meeting at work on Wed morning that I just can't miss and my wife is going to court by herself. I have tried to talk her out of it but she wants to be there in case that's the last time we see him for a while. I am worried that she is going to fall apart when she hears the judge say what we expect to be coming. I would imagine it's like knowing you're going to have a bucket of ice water dumped on your head - you know it's going to be cold but that doesn't make it any easier to take when it actually happens. It seems as if I'm in the minority on here - a Dad - but Moms I could use all your prayers right now as we go through what Mamaboyz just did. I pray every night in desperation for (a) my son's safety and (b) a modicum of peace and rest for my soul.

1bird2 · #17 05-18-2012, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerryB2012

My son is scheduled to be sentenced next week, Wed morning. Best case scenario is a 1 year work camp type program but more likely 2- 5 years in prison. This boy has continually pushed the envelope and now at 19 yrs it has finally caught up with him and the reality is sinking in and he is scared to death. My heart breaks yet my anger at how many chances he was given that he just pissed on consumes me as well. I have a meeting at work on Wed morning that I just can't miss and my wife is going to court by herself. I have tried to talk her out of it but she wants to be there in case that's the last time we see him for a while. I am worried that she is going to fall apart when she hears the judge say what we expect to be coming. I would imagine it's like knowing you're going to have a bucket of ice water dumped on your head - you know it's going to be cold but that doesn't make it any easier to take when it actually happens. It seems as if I'm in the minority on here - a Dad - but Moms I could use all your prayers right now as we go through what Mamaboyz just did. I pray every night in desperation for (a) my son's safety and (b) a modicum of peace and rest for my soul.

I am praying.....and will continue to pray through sentencing and beyond.
This week is just going to be agonizing for all of you....it truly was one of the most difficult weeks I endured....even being fairly certain of the outcome. I am praying that your wife has someone to go with her .... I really don't think it is a good idea for her to be there alone. I'm sorry that you can't be there......but do find someone to be with her.
I think all of us understand the anger at your son....but, honestly, as you deal with that, and forgive him, the healing will begin.....as you begin to deal with the frustrations of the "system", I think you will be able to re-direct your anger.
I am trusting God to keep your son safe....and bring peace and comfort to you in knowing that. You WILL MAKE IT THROUGH this....as God does equip us to for the journey....and He walks with us every step of the way.
I am praying that you feel His presence in a BIG WAY! The paradox of being at peace when you are most uncomforable.
Much love and many prayers,
XXOO

sleepless in Tu · #18 05-18-2012, 09:03 AM

This is an experience that drains you,makes you doubt yourself,and is so painful.I'm so sorry this is happening.The whole system is so crazy and as Moondoggie said the repercussions extend far.Family,children,parents and it is hard.Also, having that felony never seems to go away.I'm getting ahead of myself.I'm glad you found this site.It is so comforting,supportive and help is available for questions as we try to get through this.I hope you keep coming here.On really bad days I'd come here 3 or 4 times a day.

KidzMom · #19 05-18-2012, 10:06 AM

JerryB2012,

I am sorry you can't be there for your son but very glad your wife wants to be there. These children need our support even if it means they see us breakdown. I have faith she will be as strong as she needs to be! Everyone has far more inner strength than they believe and can draw on it in times of need. Absence of support will be more devastating to all of you, you do not want to be saying should have - would have - could have - in a situation where there was a choice to be supportive! AND Not knowing until he tells you (which could be unclear as they go into shock

) will be very hard.....

Bamagirl49 · #20 05-18-2012, 03:27 PM

I'm glad your wife can go it is good support when your son thinks oh my mom came
It will be a hard day get ready for it in a calm way because your tears will be flowing
Thinking about you all

tglsmom · #21 05-18-2012, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerryB2012

My son is scheduled to be sentenced next week, Wed morning. Best case scenario is a 1 year work camp type program but more likely 2- 5 years in prison. This boy has continually pushed the envelope and now at 19 yrs it has finally caught up with him and the reality is sinking in and he is scared to death. My heart breaks yet my anger at how many chances he was given that he just pissed on consumes me as well. I have a meeting at work on Wed morning that I just can't miss and my wife is going to court by herself. I have tried to talk her out of it but she wants to be there in case that's the last time we see him for a while. I am worried that she is going to fall apart when she hears the judge say what we expect to be coming. I would imagine it's like knowing you're going to have a bucket of ice water dumped on your head - you know it's going to be cold but that doesn't make it any easier to take when it actually happens. It seems as if I'm in the minority on here - a Dad - but Moms I could use all your prayers right now as we go through what Mamaboyz just did. I pray every night in desperation for (a) my son's safety and (b) a modicum of peace and rest for my soul.

I am sorry for what you are going through, Jerry. I know how devastating it is to see your son blow all the chances he's had to do the right thing. I hope I don't sound too harsh, but it may be that a year in work camp program or a couple of years in prison will be enough for him to straighten up. It's not something you want for your son, but sometimes they have to reach their bottom in order to see the light. I'm hoping that he will learn from this experience and that you will have hope and faith that he will be exactly where he needs to be for now. It may actually save his life.

Wishing you and your wife good luck on Wednesday. It will be a very tough day, but we will be there with all of you in our thoughts and prayers.

klw9653 · #22 05-18-2012, 07:57 PM

Jerry, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

mrsrimoldi · #23 05-18-2012, 08:03 PM

Jerry,
My Thanks button isn't working again but I wanted you to know I will include you and yours in my prayers too. I understand how angry you are with your son, I was mad as a wet hen when my son was arrested. Some kids have got to learn things the hard way, it hurts us so much to see the train wreck coming but as loving parents we are still here for them even when they end up going to prison. Your son is going to need all the support he can get, try to encourage him to use his time to make himself a better person. Tell him to "Learn from your mistakes. Use the time, do not let the time use you." We are here whenever you need to vent or ask any questions.

szcunane · #24 05-18-2012, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerryB2012

My son is scheduled to be sentenced next week, Wed morning. Best case scenario is a 1 year work camp type program but more likely 2- 5 years in prison. This boy has continually pushed the envelope and now at 19 yrs it has finally caught up with him and the reality is sinking in and he is scared to death. My heart breaks yet my anger at how many chances he was given that he just pissed on consumes me as well. I have a meeting at work on Wed morning that I just can't miss and my wife is going to court by herself. I have tried to talk her out of it but she wants to be there in case that's the last time we see him for a while. I am worried that she is going to fall apart when she hears the judge say what we expect to be coming. I would imagine it's like knowing you're going to have a bucket of ice water dumped on your head - you know it's going to be cold but that doesn't make it any easier to take when it actually happens. It seems as if I'm in the minority on here - a Dad - but Moms I could use all your prayers right now as we go through what Mamaboyz just did. I pray every night in desperation for (a) my son's safety and (b) a modicum of peace and rest for my soul.

Jerry, so sorry you all are going through this, I hope your wife will ask someone to go with her, but from my personal experience, we need to be there . . .I know it will be hard for you not to be there. The three of you will be in my prayers . .advise your son to lay low and he will be okay . . as for peace and rest - -I've got prayers going up for you for that . .and for strength and courage. Keep us posted. God be with you.

mydearestson · #25 05-19-2012, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamaboyz

My oldest son was just sentenced yesterday and I am going through so many different emotions. Family and friends are calling, but I won't answer the phone. Tears just roll down my cheeks even when I try not to cry. I am so angry with my son. I preached to him and his brothers all the time about staying out the jail system. Yesterday, I was so furious that I decided I didn't want to talk, write or visit him. But today, I want to visit with him everyday until he is out. I want to do whatever that will help make this time pass. But then I think about where he is, and I get angry all over again! I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't know how I will be able to handle it. I don't want anyone to see me cry. I just want to stay in my bed. I don't want to face anyone. I feel like I am screaming from the inside and I can't let it out. How can I get through this?

Hi Mamaboyz I understand your pain and are going through the same thing but have come to the conclusion I rather see him there than going to a cemetary. I know it is very hard my son is 24 first time and refused to see anyone or speak to anyone, I was angry with the world, then I am became very angry with myself and felt I had let my son down by working all the time or being on planes going to different locations for training sites. But at the end of the day he is my son and I will stand by him through it all although I do get gry with him from time to time. I often sit back and think about all the red flags I saw and ignored them thinking it was nothing serious. I was wrong and these are the consequences, and I punish myself more than anyone. You know we live in a very corrupt world with our politicians, law enforcement and entire judicial system is all about the benjamins. So keep your head up and continue to pray for our love ones and take each day at a time because we must stay in control for our sons. We have to stay strong for them. I still cry from time to time just human nature for a mother. We will get through this, keep your head up and remember they need us more now than ever.