How to have him in my childs life

[La Divina]

Hi Everyone,
Im in need of some good advice, Ever since i found out the father of my child hooked up with my brothers ex hurting me deeply I decided to completely cut him loose no more favors,money, nothing at all...But as many know im pregnant with his child...I have completely cut off any communication with him I even changed my number and I barely go out so i dont bump into him but my babyshower is soon and i dont know if i should invite him out of common courtesy ..his mother has been very supportive so if i invite her n his friends would it be wrong if he is not notified? also the day i give birth should i be the one to tell him or simply tell his mother? Ive been so hurt by him i sometimes feel like i dont want him around my child but then i start thinking that i dont wana be the one to keep my childs father away but i also dont think he deserves shit cuse he brags about being a dad but dosnt even ask about the baby at all!! For those mothers out there what should i do

[Jootje]

Of all people let you be the one to approach this in an adult manner. (you coming here for advise does show you have all the ingredients in you to want to try and approach it that way) That is my first advice. In order to get there you will need to take a deep breath when hurting, count to 10 numerous times when something is said that hurt you. Because at the end of the day: this is not about you, this is not about your ex...this is about the child and only the child and no one else.
So every decision you take, either today, tomorrow or in the future: make the one that is and will be in the best intrest of the child. In my opinion a father and a mother treating each other in a calm, respectful and adult matter is in the best intrest of the child. So bitter and revenge feelings are a big no-no because that will only feed the anger and it will get ugly and the child will be the one hurting. Would you not want your child to look back one day and realize that even though his parents are not together, at least they managed to meet half way in stead of putting him/her in the middle and not knowing who to please without getting the other angry.
So no matter how hard it may be for you because, especially in the beginning, it will hurt to be confronted with him in any shape, way of form, involve (or/and invite) your ex when needed (I say "needed" because most of the time this is how it will feel for you instead of "want") and on every occasion the ball will be in his court and nothing can be hold against you by your child (or anyone else) that you did not give it a chance.

This is a very hard situation, and emotional situation, but you will get there! My prayers are with you.

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by Jootje

Of all people let you be the one to approach this in an adult manner. (you coming here for advise does show you have all the ingredients in you to want to try and approach it that way) That is my first advice. In order to get there you will need to take a deep breath when hurting, count to 10 numerous times when something is said that hurt you. Because at the end of the day: this is not about you, this is not about your ex...this is about the child and only the child and no one else.
So every decision you take, either today, tomorrow or in the future: make the one that is and will be in the best intrest of the child. In my opinion a father and a mother treating each other in a calm, respectful and adult matter is in the best intrest of the child. So bitter and revenge feelings are a big no-no because that will only feed the anger and it will get ugly and the child will be the one hurting. Would you not want your child to look back one day and realize that even though his parents are not together, at least they managed to meet half way in stead of putting him/her in the middle and not knowing who to please without getting the other angry.
So no matter how hard it may be for you because, especially in the beginning, it will hurt to be confronted with him in any shape, way of form, involve (or/and invite) your ex when needed (I say "needed" because most of the time this is how it will feel for you instead of "want") and on every occasion the ball will be in his court and nothing can be hold against you by your child (or anyone else) that you did not give it a chance.

This is a very hard situation, and emotional situation, but you will get there! My prayers are with you.

Thank you so muchhh for ur advice i greatly needed a word of advice..I def will let himself get included in my childs life it he wants to be in it but if he dosnt is his loss

[AJR22]

Is he someone that you would want your child to be around? Is he going to be a good parent and a positive role model to your child? Is he going to show up when he says and keep dates he plans with this child? You probably know the answer to this. If he isn't, then why would you want him around. If he is, then your anger should absolutely never stand in the way of a father and their child.

[Patty]

Originally Posted by La Divina

Hi Everyone,
Im in need of some good advice, Ever since i found out the father of my child hooked up with my brothers ex hurting me deeply I decided to completely cut him loose no more favors,money, nothing at all...But as many know im pregnant with his child...I have completely cut off any communication with him I even changed my number and I barely go out so i dont bump into him but my babyshower is soon and i dont know if i should invite him out of common courtesy ..his mother has been very supportive so if i invite her n his friends would it be wrong if he is not notified? also the day i give birth should i be the one to tell him or simply tell his mother? Ive been so hurt by him i sometimes feel like i dont want him around my child but then i start thinking that i dont wana be the one to keep my childs father away but i also dont think he deserves shit cuse he brags about being a dad but dosnt even ask about the baby at all!! For those mothers out there what should i do

Situations like this make me long for the good ol' days when men knew there place and baby showers wasn't one of them! Having said that, my first and foremost concern is for the child - period...

I don't think it is necessary to "invite" him to your baby shower even if you are inviting his mom. Your unborn child will not know he was there or not.

As to the birth, I honestly think that the two of you need to have a private and civil discussion about that. But before you do, you need to decide if having him around for the birth under the circumstances is what is best for you and the child. Undue stress during child birth should be avoided.

If it is your intention that the two of you will be co-parenting, financially responsible for your child together, etc. you will have to find ways to accomodate one another.

Always remember that your child did not ask to be put in this position and assigning blame does nothing but further the problem at hand. Communication is key to any successful relationship - nothing is truer when co-parents are no longer in the same relationship.

Best of luck to you and yours.

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by AJR22

Is he someone that you would want your child to be around? Is he going to be a good parent and a positive role model to your child? Is he going to show up when he says and keep dates he plans with this child? You probably know the answer to this. If he isn't, then why would you want him around. If he is, then your anger should absolutely never stand in the way of a father and their child.

I think u have hit a point here i think truthfully he will just show off that he has a kid by saying it but i dont think hes goin to be there but since his mom is willin to help me financially i think i will have to let him be in his life ..cuse i know his mother is going to make every moneyorder she gives me as though it was him givin it to me

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by Patty

Situations like this make me long for the good ol' days when men knew there place and baby showers wasn't one of them! Having said that, my first and foremost concern is for the child - period...

I don't think it is necessary to "invite" him to your baby shower even if you are inviting his mom. Your unborn child will not know he was there or not.

As to the birth, I honestly think that the two of you need to have a private and civil discussion about that. But before you do, you need to decide if having him around for the birth under the circumstances is what is best for you and the child. Undue stress during child birth should be avoided.

If it is your intention that the two of you will be co-parenting, financially responsible for your child together, etc. you will have to find ways to accomodate one another.

Always remember that your child did not ask to be put in this position and assigning blame does nothing but further the problem at hand. Communication is key to any successful relationship - nothing is truer when co-parents are no longer in the same relationship.

Best of luck to you and yours.

I truly understand what u are saying but he is so childish ..he dosnt work so i know it will be his mom helping me financially ..he dosnt ask at all about my health to see hows his son is his behavior that makes me not want to have him around my child..hes always in the streets smoking weed .isnt trying to find a job so what can he do for my child u know ughhh im so confused

[AJR22]

So this is just me and my experience and i know nothing about u or him but if i were you, and i was, id leave him in the dust. My daughters biological father had no job, showed no concern over me or her health and was just all around not ready to be a parent. I grew up with my parents married n my dad as very dependable. I spoke to friends of mine that werent as fortunate. The general consesus was they would rather have never known him at all then know. Someone that constantly let them down and made them feel unloved. I cut my childs father from my life and he has never once shown up at the door demanding to see her. He never once went into a court demanding his rights. If a parent wanted to parent then they would do anything they had to in order to see their child. Sadly this may mean cutting his mother out as well. Only u can decide the best for your child. I know my girlfriends that never had a dad said they couldnt miss something they never knew. The others longed for him to follow through and wondered what theyd done wrong as a child when there father didnt show like he promised.

[brooks]

The child's well-being is first. If you don't think he'll be a good influence (not looking good for him), don't allow him around unsupervised.

Sometimes it's better for children to have good mentors in their lives , then get to know their parent later when they are better equipped to comprehend any ... crud.

Of course, my circumstance is different. Their father is locked up, looking at a long time in. 10 yr old wants no contact. 2 yr old doesn't remember him except maybe a vague..he had grey hair. He put the kids in danger with his bad habits.

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by AJR22

So this is just me and my experience and i know nothing about u or him but if i were you, and i was, id leave him in the dust. My daughters biological father had no job, showed no concern over me or her health and was just all around not ready to be a parent. I grew up with my parents married n my dad as very dependable. I spoke to friends of mine that werent as fortunate. The general consesus was they would rather have never known him at all then know. Someone that constantly let them down and made them feel unloved. I cut my childs father from my life and he has never once shown up at the door demanding to see her. He never once went into a court demanding his rights. If a parent wanted to parent then they would do anything they had to in order to see their child. Sadly this may mean cutting his mother out as well. Only u can decide the best for your child. I know my girlfriends that never had a dad said they couldnt miss something they never knew. The others longed for him to follow through and wondered what theyd done wrong as a child when there father didnt show like he promised.

Thats exactly the mistake i dont want to make i dont want to see my son dissappointed in the future ...i wish at times i would of had a better choice of a father for my son but i was blind an naive and in love smh my sister says that i should allow him to be in his life so that my son wont reproach me in the future by sayin that i didnt allow his father in his life, she said that if he dosnt put any effort that my son will one day see it and know that his father dosnt care

[He&me]

For me a child has to know the father, if he is good or not so good. They have to know where they come from. My ex had contact with the children whenever he or they wish, when he was in to bad habbits, the visits was under control.
My children are grown up and they are happy to know who the father is, how he is and that they had the chance to love him too,
And now, I see what child has go what from the father and thats great

[Onedaycloser13]

Patty, I fully agree with men at the baby shower thing. Guess, like everything else at this point that I am just old school. If you cannot get along with the other parent, then yes, tell the grandmother. I believe that children should have two parents getting along and supporting each other. However, that is not always possible, and in that case I would always advise to have a third party involved. I do not recommend keeping the child away from the father for many reasons,and as your sister says has said, keep the child from the father and as the child gets older that is going to come back to haunt you and when the truth comes out it more than likely isn't going to be pleasant. Let you child make the determination what the father is or isn't.

[LittleWing13]

Originally Posted by Patty

Situations like this make me long for the good ol' days when men knew there place and baby showers wasn't one of them! Having said that, my first and foremost concern is for the child - period...

Amen! LOL Patty....

Good on you for trying to go about things in the best manner for the child.

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by He&me

For me a child has to know the father, if he is good or not so good. They have to know where they come from. My ex had contact with the children whenever he or they wish, when he was in to bad habbits, the visits was under control.
My children are grown up and they are happy to know who the father is, how he is and that they had the chance to love him too,
And now, I see what child has go what from the father and thats great

You do have a great point thank u for ur input

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by Onedaycloser13

Patty, I fully agree with men at the baby shower thing. Guess, like everything else at this point that I am just old school. If you cannot get along with the other parent, then yes, tell the grandmother. I believe that children should have two parents getting along and supporting each other. However, that is not always possible, and in that case I would always advise to have a third party involved. I do not recommend keeping the child away from the father for many reasons,and as your sister says has said, keep the child from the father and as the child gets older that is going to come back to haunt you and when the truth comes out it more than likely isn't going to be pleasant. Let you child make the determination what the father is or isn't.

Im so confused i guess i will have to stop acting out of anger which is hard to do

[pisces317]

am from the ole school where daddies do not attend baby-showers ,but in this case rewind 2012 he doesnt deserve to be invited and shouldnt his family and the friends you have together should especially his mom if she's being supportive despite her son acting like a ass-wipe serious just call it like i see it kinda gal,anywho if your going to enjoy yourself having him there then do it,if not and your going to regret his presence was there then say nothing to him,but if you dont invite him and he just shows up then just act cordial and remember he's that baby sperm donor and for that precious child in your belly whom you come to love you''ll deal with him ,as for the birth thats a emotional moment and only you can say if you want/need him there good luck

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by pisces317

am from the ole school where daddies do not attend baby-showers ,but in this case rewind 2012 he doesnt deserve to be invited and shouldnt his family and the friends you have together should especially his mom if she's being supportive despite her son acting like a ass-wipe serious just call it like i see it kinda gal,anywho if your going to enjoy yourself having him there then do it,if not and your going to regret his presence was there then say nothing to him,but if you dont invite him and he just shows up then just act cordial and remember he's that baby sperm donor and for that precious child in your belly whom you come to love you''ll deal with him ,as for the birth thats a emotional moment and only you can say if you want/need him there good luck

Thank u for ur advice i really appreciate it

[Onedaycloser13]

Originally Posted by La Divina

Im so confused i guess i will have to stop acting out of anger which is hard to do

It is hard to do, but something that we have to do as parents because it is what is right for them. I don't like my children's father, rather not deal with him and he isn't the best of fathers but I put all of that aside for my children. How matter how much I dislike him, I love my children more!

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by Onedaycloser13

It is hard to do, but something that we have to do as parents because it is what is right for them. I don't like my children's father, rather not deal with him and he isn't the best of fathers but I put all of that aside for my children. How matter how much I dislike him, I love my children more!

Awww this is so sweet...i will find a way for him to see him...maybe ill allow him to visit while am not home my mother can keep watch to make sure all is well cuse i dont wana see his face

[#1AndOnly]

I guess 1 point I think you were missing in your posts is what is he doing to be accountable. If he isn't doing anything for you or the baby (and it sounds like he isn't, regardless of what his mom is doing, she is separate from him) at this point you don't need to and can't force him to step up. We can want it all day long but in the end it's on them. If he approaches you and wants to be involved, great, if not ... well, you shake it off and move on and do what's best for your son.

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by #1AndOnly

I guess 1 point I think you were missing in your posts is what is he doing to be accountable. If he isn't doing anything for you or the baby (and it sounds like he isn't, regardless of what his mom is doing, she is separate from him) at this point you don't need to and can't force him to step up. We can want it all day long but in the end it's on them. If he approaches you and wants to be involved, great, if not ... well, you shake it off and move on and do what's best for your son.

Yes i did not mention that part he hasnt done anything for me ..he has not been to the appointments at all ..i have had to pay for my appointments on my own ..and he never has even ask hows his son doing...all he does is smoke weed daily and follow his lil girlfriend ...so sadly i picked him as the father of my child ..i was naive and in love...i have had a sad pregnancy but knowin i will soon have my son helps me

[brooks]

Personally, I'd think if he's smoking weed all the time & not working.. you really don't need him around either of you for your own well being.

The worry is not what he can do FOR you & the baby, but what might he do TO you & the baby... having a dr call social services on you if he goes reeking of weed to appointments with you is NOT something you want.

[La Divina]

Originally Posted by brooks

Personally, I'd think if he's smoking weed all the time & not working.. you really don't need him around either of you for your own well being.

The worry is not what he can do FOR you & the baby, but what might he do TO you & the baby... having a dr call social services on you if he goes reeking of weed to appointments with you is NOT something you want.

Yeap he dosnt work either his momma maintains him so he wont be able to do nothing for me or my child... Im not planning my babyshower n because my mom and family are helping me...i dont even see him at all i dont know how i made the mistake of fallin for someone so cold hearted

[#1AndOnly]

Originally Posted by La Divina

Yes i did not mention that part he hasnt done anything for me ..he has not been to the appointments at all ..i have had to pay for my appointments on my own ..and he never has even ask hows his son doing...all he does is smoke weed daily and follow his lil girlfriend ...so sadly i picked him as the father of my child ..i was naive and in love...i have had a sad pregnancy but knowin i will soon have my son helps me

I worded that wrong .. I should have reread it. My bad ...I meant what has he done for you to be concerned about if he is involved or not. If he isn't concerned why should you be His mom is her own person ... you don't have to go out of your way for him. Maybe you and her can have a conversation on what you are comfortable with .. she has to realize you won't want your son around the environment he is supposedly involved in

[Onedaycloser13]

Originally Posted by La Divina

Yeap he dosnt work either his momma maintains him so he wont be able to do nothing for me or my child... Im not planning my babyshower n because my mom and family are helping me...i dont even see him at all i dont know how i made the mistake of fallin for someone so cold hearted

Don't kick yourself, many of us fall for men who are not good father's. My oldest child's father has not seen him since he was an infant. He is an adult now, did I not try because the father was not interested. No, I tried over and over again. I had seen so many times when the parent did not try and it ended up backfiring and the child ended up blaming the parent that was there. I let my child write letters(we lived in two different states). I encouraged the father to write back(he rarely did) and I allowed my child to make his own opinion about the situation as he got older. Heck,if the man ever came here he could have seen my child, albeit supervised by someone. He wants absolutely nothing to do with his father now, and I believe that is because he saw for himself what his father was. I said no negative words about the father, never had my child involved with anything that went on behind the scenes...he didn't find out about those things until he was much older. I would like to mention another aspect, while making this decision also remember courts take support and visitation completely different and do a parent keeps a child from another parent(even if they don't pay child support as that is a completely separate issue in the courts eyes). If he is a bad parent or you are worried, have someone else present when they visit. Please keep that in mind, as the last thing I want for you is problems with courts in the future.