Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Serenity.Q · #1 02-22-2012, 06:12 PM

Hello all! I'm no longer in a relationship with my guy, but he is on remand for 1st degree and is looking at 25 to life. I do not want to dwell on our breakup, but I came to this forum hoping to get some insight so I can finally be at peace with the whole situation regarding lifers.
Here is a quick recap of my story. We were MBI, 10 years ago, and after he was accused of comitting the crime, I found him and we started a correspondence after he was incarcerated for just three months. After over a year of writing, a couple visits and phone calls since December of last year, we admitted love for eachother. Just recently, a few weeks ago, he wanted to just be friends due to his time. I agreed because we don't know what's going to happen when he is sentenced, and he didn't want to string me along for heartache. I wrote him a letter afterwards, because I wasn't honest and in it, I said even tho it hurts me how we can't be together, I'm cool with being friends. But also that even tho I wasn't too sure about waiting 25 to life, I was willing to give it a try. And if he wanted to continue to correspond with me, its his choice. I'd always be here for him.
So last week, he called me back and said a guard read my letter and told him I'm a keeper. He called almost every day last week and even on valentines day he said he loves me and sweetie and babe like normal. After, I was kind of skeptical because we didn't talk about my letter and I didn't feel like having my heart broken again.
So, he calls last friday, and tried to pawn me off to another man before I could put my two cents in. The guy said he wanted to write to me, I told him to put my guy on the phone. I was confused. So long story short, he calls back and says the same thing about not wanting to continue our relationship because of his long lengthy sentence (he may never get out), and that it hurts him and he knows it hurts me too! Then I got mad and said I understand and can accept that but why was he trying to sell me off to another guy like a used toy! That wasn't cool. I felt very disrespected after all we have been thru in the past year! He said that his buddy is a good guy, and I should give him a chance, he will be getting out soon. Unlike him, he can't do nothing for me and he wants to focus on himself and getting out. In his words, "5-10 years from now it may be different (if he gets paroled). In the end, he tried one more time to get me to talk to his friend, I said no forget it, and he said, ok bye and hung up on me.
Yes, I'm very hurt by this, and I'm trying my best to move on and better myself. But what I'd like to know from others, is has any other lifers gone thru this kind of hopelessness, and become withdrawn from the world because of the time? Even tho I'm upset and hurting, I'm trying my best to forgive and understand what these lifers are going thru. Its a long road to recovery (for both inmates and their spouses alike. I commend everyone going thru this long bid with their loved one. I wish there was more I could do for J, but since he has closed his heart to me, I pray that he will find some inner peace behind those cement walls.
Has any of you had your lifer try to push u away? Is there some that are so hopeless that they give up on everyone and everything? To me, that has got to be a lonely existence. Its a long hard road, and to those still sticking by their man/woman after so many years kudos to u! I know its not easy, refusing to give up hope despite all odds, its admirable.

nypurple · #2 02-23-2012, 06:35 AM

Yes, there was a time he pushed me away. But....he didn't attempt to provide a **replacement**. He withdrew, no calls or letters for months; about 3 if I recall correctly.

It was a dark time in his life. He was seriously depressed; he had been turned down by the board for the 6th time and he was approaching year 35 of incarceration. Can't say that I blamed him......sigh.

In any case he never formally broke up with me so fool that I am I continued to write. I asked 'what's your problem?' and when he was ready he told me.

But, my experience is not at all like yours. Is it possible he just wanted to end the relationship; not because of hopelessness, just lost interest; and in some twisted way thought if he **gave** you the other guy that you wouldn't be so upset. Sounds to me like he wasn't totally vested in the relationship if he was able to pass you off to another so easily.

Serenity.Q · #3 02-23-2012, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nypurple

Yes, there was a time he pushed me away. But....he didn't attempt to provide a **replacement**. He withdrew, no calls or letters for months; about 3 if I recall correctly.

It was a dark time in his life. He was seriously depressed; he had been turned down by the board for the 6th time and he was approaching year 35 of incarceration. Can't say that I blamed him......sigh.

In any case he never formally broke up with me so fool that I am I continued to write. I asked 'what's your problem?' and when he was ready he told me.

But, my experience is not at all like yours. Is it possible he just wanted to end the relationship; not because of hopelessness, just lost interest; and in some twisted way thought if he **gave** you the other guy that you wouldn't be so upset. Sounds to me like he wasn't totally vested in the relationship if he was able to pass you off to another so easily.

Wow 35 years is a long time. Its good to hear that u have stuck by him, even in their most darkest times. I can't even begin to imagine what its like facing so much time away from society. That's why I started this thread, to better understand and accept the fate with my ex. Thank u for your input.

Yes, its absolutely possible he just lost interest. I guess its just because this happened last week, I am still lost as to why so crude and uncaring. We have never had a disagreement before, and he was the one to admit to falling for me first, always being so appreciative of me. Vday he says,, "I love u, bye baby, ill call u more often now that I know its ok with u." I would have been fine with a "I don't love u anymore, leave me alone." But instead, 3 days later, I told him I'd rather him be straight up with me instead of beating around the bush, and he says, "I need to end this now before we both end up in heartbreak." He says he will still write sometimes, and I can write whenever I want.

I won't write anymore for now because, like u said, it just seems like he didn't really invest much into it anyway, as much as I hate to admit it. I don't want to give up on him but I know that I'm better than that (when it comes to passing me off to others) and maybe one day he will realize what he lost.

Thanks again for your reply. I wish u guys good luck

caribbeanblue77 · #4 02-24-2012, 09:00 AM

@Serenity.Q But couldn't it be that he only tried to test you?? I know they sometimes have strange way to "test" us. Maybe he wanted to see if you'd really do it...I don't know

TnT102012 · #5 02-25-2012, 02:41 AM

Yes. We had only been writing for about six months back in 2008. Things started getting romantic and he pushed me away not wanting this life for me. There are so many reasons. Go with your gut.

KaRaeBlue · #6 02-28-2012, 09:23 AM

Yes. It was about the time his sentence became real to him. Between depression and reality, it was all bad. We separated until he decided to come back and I told him if he doesn't want to be with ME then let that be his reason but he doesn't get to make MY life decisions for me.

I have had times where I've told him I need a break. I just need this weight on my shoulders off for just a moment, it never happens and we never really take a break but it let's him know where I'm at and he'll do anything he can to ease the load.

If this is the man u choose and you've got a long haul then u need to work out a way to communicate without pushing each other away. Set it up in the good times so when the bad times come and he uses that 'code word' u won't feel alienated bc u will know its just temporary and he just needs some breathing room and everything will be ok (and vice versa)

JKB's Girl · #7 03-03-2012, 02:41 PM

At the very beginning, he just quit writing, but then his sentence was enough for him to wrap his head around without worrying about a 16 year old heartbroken girl, he had the DP staring him right in the face and was being sent to a max security prison when he was only 18.

I too let it go however......I also could not face the sentence......it took us 26 years to reunite. He has told me many times, that even after all that time, and as excited as he was to get my letter, he seriously considered telling me he could not get involved with anyone because of not wanting to drag me into a life that he knew I really had no clue about.

Now if he had tried to "give" me to someone else, oh no, I would have written the whole thing off and kept on moving.

chiclet · #8 05-23-2012, 12:33 PM

Yes, my Lifer tried to push me away. He said "that was then, this is now". I wrote back as if he had never said it....more than once, letters to be entertaining, not to plead my case. He came back around. I live totally in the moment and find something each day to be grateful for, some days I am grateful for many more than one: new wildlife, new flower or I did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom! The only time I cry is when I am reading here, and I can turn it off! We are both 65. We are both happy today.

SexyChef1 · #9 05-23-2012, 01:01 PM

No hes never pushed me away, I tried to push him away out of fear of being alone forever. Its strange that I love him but my own stupid fears and insecurities almost cost me the one man I trust and respect.

RG's girl · #10 05-24-2012, 08:44 PM

Has any of you had your lifer try to push u away? Is there some that are so hopeless that they give up on everyone and everything?

Yes, he tried like hell. For my husband, everyone in his life walked away from him. So he thought it was only a matter of time before I did too. One specific incident was related to his case. We were at visitation and we were talking about his case. He told me one detail that sounded really bad (it wasn't really that bad, but to him it was). The guard came over and told us it was time. I hadn't responded yet, debating on how to respond and us being interrupted. He just walked away. I realized I didn't want to leave him on that note. So I caught him and told him I loved him. He looked at me with an expression I will never forget. He was absolutely shocked that I told him I loved him-still. I asked him later, what he thought. He told me he thought to himself that he wouldn't be seeing me again, that was that.

A couple of years later we were talking and he said, "I tried to push you away." I responded with, "You did? I didn't realize that." (I meant what I said). He started laughing as hard as he could and told me "I know."

My husband has told me many many times that when I came into his life, although I brightened it, I also made it harder. He never cared if he lived or died or if he ever got out, I changed that.

He was also told by a lot of people inside that he should let me go. I asked him if he told them-that he did. I just came back. He said that he did. But their advice was if he truly loved me he would have forced me to go away-even if that meant no longer responding to me.