Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Willowbaby65 · #51 04-20-2011, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Almageddon

Wow...my guy hurt me when I was 4 months preg...he got out on a plea but we were seen together and now he may face 14 months...But that is nothing to 6 years! I'm so happy to have found a forum where there are others standing by their men. I hope if he goes we will be able to have contact through letters at least since that would mean he'd miss the birth of our son. It hurts because I know my Aaron and we love each other. Im sick of ppl telling me to leave him and all that. I miss him so much

Almageddon, Hope you can handle a little more tough love because I've been where you are. I was a "flagpole girl" among other pathetically brainwashed behaviors I'd rather not remember. I also creatively bestowed a few other pretty titles on myself such as "loving spouse", "loyal significant other", "primary caretaker" in an attempt to convince myself and everyone else I was "sticking by my man" instead of protecting an abuser.

Thankfully after many a beating, one almost successful murder attempt and a whole lot of counseling and therapy I am finally starting to see what their TRUE labels are....CO-DEPENDANT, ENABLER, BATTERED WIFE and most important of all VICTIM.

While he's still in, take a break and try to step back and look at the big picture. He hurt you and put your baby in danger. Ask yourself what advice would you give a friend in this very same situation. Then go ask your friends and family. Then call your local DV shelter or DV hotline and ask for counseling. Help yourself and your baby FIRST, and let him deal with his own problems.

Free Again · #52 04-20-2011, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Almageddon

Hi! My boyfriend got DV charges for hurting me while I was pregnant when he was in one of those drunken rages...we recently broke the no contact order and were caught. He's facing 14 months in prison now. It really sucks because without the alcohol he was a completely different person. I'd never been so happy. Last thursday the police answered a call I was making to him and told me he was being detained for breaking the NCO. He's being held in county until his trial and every day at 2 o'clock I go and stand in the courtyard next to the flagpole where he can see me. The same place I stood last time...I wore blue and carried a blue stuffed bunny the day I found out we are having a boy. It breaks my heart to think that he may miss the birth of our son, that I won't even be able to write him if he goes to prison.

I pushed and pushed for the NCO to be dropped before this happened and I was ignored as well. He's been worried b/c this is my first pregnancy and I wasn't dealing with having a NCO very well. And he was completely alone too.

I recently posted about my flagpole visits in "Boyfriends/husbands in Prison" and felt like I was being attacked for my decision to remain with the man I love. It hurts...

I hope you meet some good people here that are not going to make you feel stupid or weak for loving him. I certainly won't. And maybe I can meet some nice women in my situation too..

If he is "such a different person without the alcohol", why would he EVER drink and jeopardise the woman he purports to love?. You need to wake up before the child he has already put in harms way is really hurt, if you care not for yourself, care for your baby!!!. I'm really sorry this is not what you want to hear but believe me, this IS support...

lilthumbalina · #53 04-21-2011, 01:06 PM

Hi everyone! I'm new here & they got my user name wrong. It's suppose to be lilthumbalina. Just to let you know, you can go seek an attorney for help if you still want the relationship.They like it to be a year of no-contact. I paid $2,000.00 of pmts. of 4. Just keep in mind, you may not get the proper protection in the future by getting it all undone. There's something wrong if they get incarcerated and can't seem to get life right. Some just can't be fixed, they are truly messed up or broken and that's what you will end up with besides an empty wallet & lost years of a good life. So go seek Domestic Violence counsel, usually it's free at women abuse centers, learn all about why you are still holding on & stuck & can't think outside that box before you get legal counsel to undo it all which can be done. Trust me, I did it! They must also be working with their Team Leader in Prison etc. doing all they can do to correct it. Also, they can go to their Prison Law Library for help by others as well.

Boobi's Fiance · #54 04-26-2011, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturemama

Hi, I was just curious if any of you had your boyfriend/spouse go to jail as a result of domestic violence against you?

This is soooo hard the state took over pressed charges and requested a no contact rule for us. I literally had no voice and they ignored my plea to even allow phone contact.

I've been thinking about sending a letter to him in a few weeks. We haven't spoken since the last incident and to just stop completely seems unreasonable. The judicial system is forcing couples apart. ( I know safety is a major concern but he cannot hurt me now he's in jail)

If you have experienced this, did you still communicate with your partner while he was in jail despite the 'no contact rule'? Did you write one another?

Thanks.

What you said right there (i highlighted in bold) is really nerveraking. Why would you not want the state to protect you from harm? hes not going to hurt you from jail? listen to yourself! NOBODY should hurt you in ANYWAY, ANYWHERE! I know you love him, but you need to think about the reason why hes in there, why do you have an order of protection. Please wake up hun.

mekastar · #55 05-11-2011, 11:09 PM

I feel like domestic volence is a situation like many others where you can't tell someone what to do unless you know the entire story and you can't say thats what you went through if you don't know the whole story is. If someone beats you, not hits, but beats you then there shouldn't be any thinking about anything and hoping for the future. You should run for your life. If someone hits you over anything or small things same there you should go. No ifs, ands or buts. Then there are people who only hit when they are pushed to there limits by extreme measures. That is something i feel is caused by a anger problem and some other underlying problem and it can be worked on. In that type of situation there may be hope if the abuser gets help and maybe both parties get help. Thats the way I feel, no one has to agree with it. I'm just saying because it seems as if people think all abusers are the same and should be dealt with the same way and I think thats just not the case at all!

curegirl · #56 05-11-2011, 11:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekastar

I feel like domestic volence is a situation like many others where you can't tell someone what to do unless you know the entire story and you can't say thats what you went through if you don't know the whole story is. If someone beats you, not hits, but beats you then there shouldn't be any thinking about anything and hoping for the future. You should run for your life. If someone hits you over anything or small things same there you should go. No ifs, ands or buts. Then there are people who only hit when they are pushed to there limits by extreme measures. That is something i feel is caused by a anger problem and some other underlying problem and it can be worked on. In that type of situation there may be hope if the abuser gets help and maybe both parties get help. Thats the way I feel, no one has to agree with it. I'm just saying because it seems as if people think all abusers are the same and should be dealt with the same way and I think thats just not the case at all!

You should only use violence to protect yourself or someone else. Only time. Abuse comes in many forms physical, mental, emotional... Do you honestly believe that abusers start out beating the holy hell out of someone? It's a process. They usually start with the mental and emotional. Back-handed compliments. Guilt. Sleep deprivation. Then, there's a push or my favorite "play wrestling" so that my back is strained and I cannot even walk to the bathroom. I have to crawl. "Honey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." Yea, well then why did you do it again after the last time? But, you excuse it because he was "playing" and "it was an accident". Four times in one year. Not so accidental. Then, the punches. Just one and you swear that you'll never take him back, but then he has "anger issues" and he's "working on it". But, it always happens again. Then, comes the crazy violence. What we all think of as abuse.

An abuser usually follows this process. Some skip steps. Some stay at certain levels without progressing. But, my darling, abuse is abuse and anger management problems do not excuse it. Neither does alcohol, drugs, background, mental illness, etc. THERE IS NO EXCUSE!!!!

roshae_16 · #57 05-12-2011, 04:53 PM

we had that rule.... they said i couldnt see him or talk to him, but here in harris county, there are 3 jails. the 1st one he was at didnt care, so they let me see him. the 2nd one wouldnt until the restraining order was up. we werent supposed to be on the phone, but we talked anyways. when we wrote, at first i used my moms address, and i always put my name as k.roshae... its not that hard to figure out, so i guess they just didnt care.

LeStrange · #58 05-13-2011, 12:16 AM

Nope but I sent an ex to jail twice for harrassing me.

chili · #59 05-15-2011, 04:45 AM

I am surprised at how many posters on here are complicit in breaking NCOs even though they know that their partners run the risk of long term imprisonment if caught. Is this some sort of backhanded way of keeping yourself safe and ensuring your loved ones are kept locked up while continuing with the relationship? Otherwise, to put your partner, whom you profess to love, at such great risk seems like a very dysfunctional way to demonstrate your feelings.

Willowbaby65 · #60 05-15-2011, 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chili

I am surprised at how many posters on here are complicit in breaking NCOs even though they know that their partners run the risk of long term imprisonment if caught. Is this some sort of backhanded way of keeping yourself safe and ensuring your loved ones are kept locked up while continuing with the relationship? Otherwise, to put your partner, whom you profess to love, at such great risk seems like a very dysfunctional way to demonstrate your feelings.

Excellent question chili. I think this topic should have a separate thread of its own.

nimuay · #61 05-15-2011, 07:53 PM

No, it really isn't that. It's a longing so bad it makes you crazy. Your will has been eroded, and when the only thing you think you have left isn't talking to you, you'll do what it takes.

It's absolutely not a secret plot.

Amy213 · #62 04-26-2012, 02:03 AM

I'm in that situation my bf is in prison for 3 years for aggravated domestic assault against me. The state pressed charges on him not me I did everything I could to get them to drop the charges an the wouldn't do it. I still talk with him on the phone everyday. I was visiting while he was in county haven't visited since he got moved to prison but hope I get to soon. Tryin to stay strong but simetimes its tuff exspecially when you can't really talk to anyone about them cause everyone thinks your crazy.

Sent from Amy213
using PrisonTalk

Tcm3591 · #63 04-27-2012, 08:27 PM

Yes, im going thru the samething right now. He hasent been sentenced yet & I tryed to drop the charges but the state took over the case. I have no1 to talk to because everyone looks down on me for still loving him after what he did.

Mcox'sbabygirl · #64 04-27-2012, 08:32 PM

Yes. at 19yrs old my ex threw me across the room hittin my back on the corner of a table. I woke in the hosp. With a swollen spinal cord. He wound up on home confinement. I know he didn't mean to hurt me like that. In my case the state pressed charges as well. 14yr later he is married & had never hurt his wife. It changed him & im thankful it did

Mandamck · #65 05-02-2012, 01:37 PM

You need to be careful in putting yourself back in a situation where you could be hurt. But, there is nothing you can do about contacting him unless it is something that you could be caught for. I am in this situation now and I worked with the court and petitioned the no-contact. So we can send letters and have phone calls. But just be so careful and so sure that he is willing to makes positve changes and be a good man to you. Do not settle for a life of mistreatment, every women no matter what deserves the best. If you know in your heart he isn't capable, don't even bother.

Mandamck · #66 05-02-2012, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tcm3591

Yes, im going thru the samething right now. He hasent been sentenced yet & I tryed to drop the charges but the state took over the case. I have no1 to talk to because everyone looks down on me for still loving him after what he did.

Work with the court! Petition the no-contact! And know for sure he will change if not, any work you do will be in vein and you'll get hurt eventually. Good luck

crazytrain · #67 05-13-2012, 01:04 PM

I have an unusual situation, my bf and I have know each other for 24 for yrs. We have been
Together for 2 and half yrs. He has a drinking problem. But for the last year he has been sober. His little brother died in Feb. He was trying so hard to stay sober. But the demon won. He has never
Pysically or emotional hurt me. The police have never been involved in our relationship. He was drunk. I do not tolerate the drinking. I came home from work he was drunk. So I was getting a change of clothes to stay at a friends. Like I said I love him, but will not enable the desease of alcoholism. The landlord was in our place. He was drunk and frustrated that I was leaving. Pleading with me to stay. I told him I'd be back in the morning when he was sober we could talk then. He sugeested using a belt on me. The landlord heard this called the police. In the meantime. I had got my things and left. He was going to bed to sleep it off. The cops showed up. The cops had him call me back to sort it out. The landlord told cops a bunch of embelished crap. I told police my side. Next thing I know he is being arrested, for uttering a death threat. He has an exstensive record due to the alohol issues in his past. Cops don't like him. A week and half later he is still in jail. There is a non contact order which is automatic. I've told the cops they don't care. What's frustrating if I didn't come back that night they couldn't have arrested him. He has never hit me, or pushed me. Any suggestions. He has no family now. And I can't help him without getting him in more trouble. At the time of the arrest he had no outstanding probation or anything.

joshgirl4ever · #68 05-13-2012, 03:02 PM

I said those same exact words. I wrote under a false name. It took me a long time to understand he could hurt me well sitting in a cell. He just continued to brainwash me. Of course he begged for forgiveness well in jail. You know what he did after he got released. He beat the crap out of me for putting him in jail. One of the worst beatings I have ever gotten. Dont do it. Take this no talking time to work on yourself. Trust me the less and less contact you have the easier the route goes. Its a huge mountain at first but it gets easier and easier. i so had wished I had listend to others who were trying to save me

**Nieves915** · #69 05-13-2012, 03:16 PM

my ex went to prison for three years after i called the police on him.... Despite the advice i got on here from some wonderful women, i was there at the walls to pick him up,,,, it was gravy for about a month,, then the slap came, then the hair pulling and then the blood all over the floor.
I realize that we wont leave till we are ready, but boy i wish i would have listened to the ladies that have been there done that,,, now im one of those ladies, been there done that wrote the book.
there is no excuse for hitting a woman,,, now on the flip side of that there are women out there who use that no tolerace for abuse to just simply be vindictive and put thier men in jail. hence my husband now,, 3 years later the ex admits she was angry and called the cops, but guess what,,, it doesnt matter, once they are found guilty it stays with the,,,, the staute of limiations for making a false police report are over and so now she comes clean,,,,, meanwhile he sits in jail.,,,,,,
so there are two sides to every story.....

Bearyspecial · #70 05-27-2012, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturemama

Hi, I was just curious if any of you had your boyfriend/spouse go to jail as a result of domestic violence against you?

This is soooo hard the state took over pressed charges and requested a no contact rule for us. I literally had no voice and they ignored my plea to even allow phone contact.

I've been thinking about sending a letter to him in a few weeks. We haven't spoken since the last incident and to just stop completely seems unreasonable. The judicial system is forcing couples apart. ( I know safety is a major concern but he cannot hurt me now he's in jail)

If you have experienced this, did you still communicate with your partner while he was in jail despite the 'no contact rule'? Did you write one another?

Thanks.

Hey I wanted to reply to your post cuz it's actually something I can offer advice for on this site. I've been involved in DV since the end of 2010. I left the guy in February for a non-violent reason, then returned in a few weeks. Things got slowly more violent, & then in May I put him in jail for it. He attempted to contact me after he got out about 2 weeks later & to put it in polite terms, told him to "shove it". Then at his court date in July we finally spoke in the courthouse, disregarding the no contact order. Well my feeling came rushing back & I almost lost it in the court room. We got back together & things stayed pretty level for about 6 months. We moved back in together & things went up & down where we'd have the perfect relationship and then times where I wanted to literally punch a hole thru his face. We got in a huge fight, one that amazingly was non-violent but I'd had enough. I called the cops & he got charged. Well he went to jail for a night then called me as he was walking into the jail to turn himself in. I couldn't help it so i told him to go to Wal-mart & I'd find him. He had a warrant for $20,000 & I helped him run for a couple weeks till his court date. It didn't even feel like I was breaking the law or doing anything illegal. He went to court, got sentenced to prison, & I bailed him out on a 2 week surrender. We had a lot of heart-to-hearts & I laid it out for him that it had to stop now becuase it'd already gone way to far & I'd already put up with too much but I loved him & that was the only thing keeping me around. He admitted his mistakes, & said as long as I'd stand by him in prison he would go to the doctor & get meds and see a counselor. He even surprised me with a ring one day when I got back from the grocery store. We got married a month later in county jail. I have horror stories of my own but not every DV case ends badly. There can be happy endings & even though only time will tell if mine is one of them, then I've still got to have faith. I believe that as long as somebody who has a anger problem has somebody who wants to help them & they want to help themselves, there is a real chance of change. The first step to rehabilitation is admitting you have a problem. Then there's support, & the willingness to try. All of that gives anybody a fighting chance. But that's just from my personal experience.

nimuay · #71 05-28-2012, 09:32 AM

Beary, pay close attention to the fact that you have no happy ending at all right now - you have a hiatus, a break from each other enforced by prison. your happy ending might happen after he gets out and follows through on those promises to get help. Maybe. Not likely, and you should always have a back-up plan (like not having him live with you right away once he comes out).

Bearyspecial · #72 05-28-2012, 01:21 PM

Well the only problem with that, is he has nobody else to go live with except me. But I am living with my grandpa which is on a farm with my entire family. So you could say I'm pretty well protected. And my gpa knows all about our past & says if he touches me one more time, he's calling his P.O. right then. And he's no joke cuz he knows I love him but my gpa refuses to have me get hurt. And I have faith in my husband because even though he's been known to be manipulating, I've seen thru it to what he was really thinking but chose to stay regardless. So that part is my fault, but we've been thru so many tough times that we've grown a lot & we're ready to grow up & do what it takes to be mature, responsible adults. But once again, only time will tell.

MnNice · #73 06-08-2012, 04:24 PM

My ex did. He has about 3 domestics, and 1 felony burglarly against me. Glad I am out of that, alive

LuvnBowlin · #74 06-08-2012, 07:31 PM

Leave him .... I finally left after 3 prison terms broken collar bone knoccd my teeth out. LIke the ladies say Im luccy to be alive.. everything happens for a reason .. even though it was hell he conditioned me for my love of my life.. MY EX was so great until he drinks but wont quit drinkin .. ITS A CYCLE AND THEY ARE INSECURE IT GETS WORSE EVERY TIME EVENTUALLY ending up in death and prison and us as woman never know wich road we will be on. Stay strong and think about your baby.. Stop makin excuses for him he doesnt make any for you.

LuvnBowlin · #75 06-08-2012, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bearyspecial

Well the only problem with that, is he has nobody else to go live with except me. But I am living with my grandpa which is on a farm with my entire family. So you could say I'm pretty well protected. And my gpa knows all about our past & says if he touches me one more time, he's calling his P.O. right then. And he's no joke cuz he knows I love him but my gpa refuses to have me get hurt. And I have faith in my husband because even though he's been known to be manipulating, I've seen thru it to what he was really thinking but chose to stay regardless. So that part is my fault, but we've been thru so many tough times that we've grown a lot & we're ready to grow up & do what it takes to be mature, responsible adults. But once again, only time will tell.

Good lucc to you. A leapord dont change his spots..I will pray for you hopefully you are not putting your gpa in a position you will regret later. Good lucc just pray and follow your first mind.. A real man doesnt hit a woman even if she does talk mess...