Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

StayShort · #1 06-02-2012, 10:45 AM

My and my bubs have been together for a short while and some might disagree with how fast we moved but when ya know ya know. Out of 8 months we only had one issue and it was resolved in one letter. The other day he asked where his codefendant was and I told him I knew where he was and I knew where the devil was(his ex who was with him while he did his crimes). He was like hey hey. So I got speechless and said what would be better, if I called her a stupid, c word, whore, b word (yeah I have a bad mouth, sorry) and he was like hey now be nice... OMG I felt like he was defending his ex and not his wife. He said he wasnt he just didnt want her brought up and he knows how I am and can say really harsh nasty things about people. But it hurt me because hes marrying me not her who he has had no contact with in 8 years (no contact orders). He repeated himself saying he wasnt defending her and kept saying he loved me and asked.if I really knew how in love with me he is. Things got.back to our normal lovey dovey talks but shortly after hanging up it just made me even more sad. Am I just over thinking this???

marissaa · #2 06-02-2012, 10:59 AM

Quite honestly I think the whole name calling thing is a bit immature. (Whether it's true or not) We are not kids in high school, there's no need for that. I don't think he means anything at all by "defending" her, men tend to be less confrontational than women are (: don't let it bother you. Also maybe not bringing the chick up anymore could help avoid another situation like this??

GuerosMama · #3 06-02-2012, 11:08 AM

I am foul-mouthed. And my man will be patient with it, up to a point. Once I start really bad mouthing people, even if he has no connection to them, he tells me to stop. He just doesn't like hearing it, he thinks it makes me sound rude, and uneducated. Its a turn-off for him.

Its degrading on a person's mind to hear someone saying terrible things about people all the time.

I don't think you should take it so personally, and are over thinking it a bit. I don't think it was choosing between you and her. I just think he reached his limit off badmouthing.Just cause you guys are getting married doesn't mean you get a free pass to badmouth anyone from his past, just as he wouldn't get a free pass to do that with you either. The people in our past are there for a reason, but sometimes you still feel for the memories you had with that person. Doesn't mean he still loves her or whatever, but maybe she was an important person to his life, and you kinda have to understand that. Obviously, he is choosing YOU to marry, so its not like he doesn't love you. You should just, pick your battles.

FastCarGirl · #4 06-02-2012, 11:47 AM

Even his ex was someone's daughter. You basically gave him the choice to be a decent human being, or support your harsh, negative view. There's nothing wrong with calling her what she is...either her name or his ex, without the rest of the baggage.

So yes, in this case I think you are in the wrong and making too big a deal out of him not wanting to support your bad behavior.

DP's Girl · #5 06-02-2012, 12:07 PM

I don't think he was defending her as much as he was telling you he found your language distasteful. He may also feel your language was indicative of a certain level of insecurity and pettiness which most men find unattractive. I wouldn't worry about him defending her. I would assume it was about you and your behavior and not her. He's marrying you and probably expects you to know what he finds acceptable and unacceptable.

StayShort · #6 06-02-2012, 12:23 PM

I didnt say I was in the right at all. I got heated and bc it seemed he was d

StayShort · #7 06-02-2012, 12:39 PM

Ugh I hit send on accident.....

Me calling her the devil wasnt anything bad because she is a horrible human being. Once I said that it was like he did defend her. Everyone has moments when they say immature things and that was my moment. He knows exactly how I am and this was not something out of the ordinary. Not saying I call people names all the time I just have an extremely bad mouth. Thats me thats who I am which he always tells me when I get like that towards other people he finds it hilarious. But when it was about her it became not ok. I understand its his ex so he can say what he wants (as he says things about how my ex's are bc of how they treated me) but due to her actions and what all went down im not going to like the girl. I got upset for the very fact that he loves me being how I am until it comes to her. I never said I was right about saying what I did, I agree it was immature. It came off like he was defending her and that hurt. The issue was addressed but it just didnt seem right to me.

Mcox'sbabygirl · #8 06-02-2012, 12:52 PM

Wow I didn't know there were so many people who never name call or act like that.. must be nice. Well I also have a foul mouth and I am extremely educated. Anyways, I would be hurt too. for me I would wonder why would he cared what I say about her. This had happened in my relationship & he just tells me its not that he cares what I say its just he didn't want to waste anytime at all talking about her. She is nothing to him & the thought of her makes him sick. Maybe its something like that. I wouldn't worry too much about it. men sometimes don't get it!! :-)

Abraann · #9 06-02-2012, 01:10 PM

I was thinking maybe he feels the same way as you do but all the name calling just makes him even angrier about the situation and he doesn't want the extra stress.

GuerosMama · #10 06-02-2012, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StayShort

Ugh I hit send on accident.....

Me calling her the devil wasnt anything bad because she is a horrible human being. Once I said that it was like he did defend her. Everyone has moments when they say immature things and that was my moment. He knows exactly how I am and this was not something out of the ordinary. Not saying I call people names all the time I just have an extremely bad mouth. Thats me thats who I am which he always tells me when I get like that towards other people he finds it hilarious. But when it was about her it became not ok. I understand its his ex so he can say what he wants (as he says things about how my ex's are bc of how they treated me) but due to her actions and what all went down im not going to like the girl. I got upset for the very fact that he loves me being how I am until it comes to her. I never said I was right about saying what I did, I agree it was immature. It came off like he was defending her and that hurt. The issue was addressed but it just didnt seem right to me.

If its something that happens ALOT between the two of you, then I would start the question WHY she keeps being brought up at all? I don't think you're in the wrong either, because I do the same thing. I just think that maybe you are looking too far into it. But you might want to dedicate a visit to talking this over with him, both WHY you guys continue to bring her up, and why he defends her so adamantly. You have to be open to hearing what he has to say though, even if you don't like it.

StayShort · #11 06-02-2012, 02:30 PM

I appreciate all replies. Thank you Abraan, GuerosMama and Mcox'sbabygirl for your replies and not making it out like Im the only person to ever get mad and say bad things. Im an extremely educated adult and dont think even if it was a bit immature that it makes me seem uneducated. We have actually only talked about her when he explained what happened that night, how he has two tats that are her name and nickname(both will be getting covered) and during the getting to know him phase he talked about how awful she was and what hell she put him through. So shes not even part of our conversations, not in the slightest. I guess I did just look into it to far. Sometimes these meds I'm on make me very emotional. And things seem to be a much bigger issue than they really are. Im glad I posted to get others views bc now unless she is brought up a lot I think ill just let it go.

kekenc246 · #12 06-02-2012, 02:35 PM

I dont think your in the wrong, you only called her the "devil". lol. And I agree with people and their horrible ways, especially "ex's". I probably would be feeling the same way as you are now. But dont let it get to you. Just test the waters on this situation and see how it turns out. This is not too sound immature but bring her up again later and see how he reacts. IM SURE ITS NOTHING though but I can feel where you are coming from. # my opinion.

RoseIsARoseIsA · #13 06-02-2012, 06:21 PM

I would be hurt too. But try not too think on it too much. I think it's a good idea to clarify this issue and resolve it during a visit cause the fifteen minute calls and letters are not sufficient and could blow things out of proportion. Just bring it up calmly and say you know "it kind of made me uncomfortable the way things were said and I think we should talk about it .." or something to that effect. Once you squash it leave it squashed. If you continue to feel uncomfortable about her in the future I would say its a red flag. Often times we have this intuition... And we dismiss it cause we think we are being crazy females.. I say don't let it take a hold of things but don't dismiss it completely. He could have just as well simply been thinking that maybe he doesn't want you hating her and wasting your energy on her since she is in the past and he doesn't really care to talk about her, so he may have just wanted to close the topic and chose his words incorrectly and sent the wrong message across. You know?

chili · #14 06-02-2012, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StayShort

and during the getting to know him phase he talked about how awful she was and what hell she put him through.

I understand how you must feel hurt but I think that even if he had spoken badly about her at the beginning of your relationship (IMO this is common regardless of their actual situation) I think it is always bad form to openly disrespect or mock the exes and puts yourself in a vulnerable situation where your own feelings get hurt. Let them criticise and use bad names but if you keep out of it and take the higher ground you show how disinterested you are in the ex and how unimportant she is to you and your relationship. Otherwise, as you've found, you could create an artificial situation where your partner feels obligated to speak up for her (even though he probably agrees with you) and leaves you feeling like he's failed a test of his loyalty to you.

NileMusiq · #15 06-02-2012, 07:38 PM

Many times people do not like to spend their time blaming others for the position they are in, or talking about a person who is not there to defend themselves. You do not know everything there is about them and what they meant to each other, and will probably never know. As a man, your man was her head at one time and he may feel in responsible for how he dragged her into whatever mess they ended up in. Think about it, he once loved her for a reason. The same goes for you if you guys break up...you see what kind of person he is. He seems honorable, so it's likely he would not talk about you behind your back and may possibly defend you too. Give him a reason to continue to be the way he is.

As another poster said, he may have feelings of anger or other things you may not know about, he doesn't need you to stroke the fire. Let her memory die. Let him take responsibility and deal with his part of whatever landed him in jail.

SexyChef1 · #16 06-05-2012, 04:07 PM

meh I know Ive called his ex an albino beached whale shamu and anything else i can think of she isnt nice nor has she ever been to me sooo ya get what you give, ole man jis says Be nice or Stop it and laughs. I dont take it as defending her men jis dont get off into the name calling like us woman do we are "catty"... Im neither insecure nor do I feel calling her those names are immature...the cheek can only be turned so many times before the claws come out.

canadiangirl098 · #17 06-05-2012, 04:15 PM

i understand what you mean im not sure if i have called my guys ex (the one that has his son) a nasty name to him but i have called her nasty names to my friends i cant even call her by her real name cause i cant stand her or her family because of what they did to him ( he is at fault to ) but still dont like them lol

InmateLover67 · #18 06-05-2012, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StayShort

My and my bubs have been together for a short while and some might disagree with how fast we moved but when ya know ya know. Out of 8 months we only had one issue and it was resolved in one letter. The other day he asked where his codefendant was and I told him I knew where he was and I knew where the devil was(his ex who was with him while he did his crimes). He was like hey hey. So I got speechless and said what would be better, if I called her a stupid, c word, whore, b word (yeah I have a bad mouth, sorry) and he was like hey now be nice... OMG I felt like he was defending his ex and not his wife. He said he wasnt he just didnt want her brought up and he knows how I am and can say really harsh nasty things about people. But it hurt me because hes marrying me not her who he has had no contact with in 8 years (no contact orders). He repeated himself saying he wasnt defending her and kept saying he loved me and asked.if I really knew how in love with me he is. Things got.back to our normal lovey dovey talks but shortly after hanging up it just made me even more sad. Am I just over thinking this???

Yes, I believe you are over-thinking this. He loves you not her, that does not mean you need to go around blasting on her. She is his ex for a reason, leave it alone.

My fiance would not want me calling his ex's rude names, even if they are not together. That, and I do not know those women, and I certainly know that there are ALWAYS two sides to every story and relationship.

Why do you seem to have so much anger towards them? I can be harsh and say nasty things too, but I pick and choose, lol.

Let it go hun, you are his woman...not need to carry the resentment and anger towards them.

Peace~