Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

tiredmom! · #26 12-22-2011, 06:10 PM

I dont think you or any of us failed as parents. I know my son knows right from wrong....it was his choice to do wrong. Whats that saying...I always stand beside my son when he does right...and behind him when he is righting his wrong. So NO we are not failures.... And welcome to this site. It has a great bunch here who have been here long before us and hopefully we will be here to give advice to the new parents with what we learn on here when they are just staring there journey.
Kelly

wickit · #27 12-22-2011, 10:10 PM

I have to say I honestly believe that I did! As the biological father was never in the picture I was the mom and dad,I had full responsibility. When my son was young I tried to get help, as he was beginning to get in trouble as young as 5th grade. He never trusted the male figures in his life such as his teachers. It is very depressing to me to know that my family is a very to themselves group of people. We never hugged, showed love or anything like that growing up and it actually mad me afraid of it. It's a very long story, I did show my children unconditional love and it seems as though I fell into the I felt sorry for them category. Meaning they got away with things because I let them when they were young and believe that made them think they could get by with more critical things as they got older. That is my fault!

Hoss292 · #28 12-23-2011, 01:51 PM

Hello all:
As my son is transferred from county jail to federal prison to serve his sentence, I have agonized over all the same questions I see on this forum. Yes, I could have done better, no I didn't teach him to seek the path he took. And believe me, he made a fantastic effort to go down that path, in spite of all the people that tried to intervene. It seemed the harder I fought for him, the more determined he was to go down this path.

Thank you all for what you have written here. And Wayne, I am going through the same cycles as you seem to be. I am angry, guilty, sad, despondent, mad, indifferent, want to fight, to yell and to roll over and quit. But I know in my heart that none of these choices will do him, me or the rest of the family any service.

Thank you all for letting me know I am not the only one feeling this way. Thank you for the support on this forum.

nimuay · #29 12-23-2011, 04:15 PM

Wayne and Hoss - if good parenting were the primary criterion for keeping kids out of prison, then mine would be inside. I wasn't a great parent, and his father disappeared when he was 9 months old. I didn't abuse or neglect him, but there were too many other things (especially earning a living) also clamoring for attention and time.

Face it - all parents are amateurs! None of us took a big, long course to get licensed to be parents. None of us had a degree in parenting when we started.

Abeca · #30 12-24-2011, 09:15 PM

Wayne, I have agonized over guilt. I am angry, sad, depressed...my relationships with my 17 year old and 28 year old sons have been damaged because of all that has happened with my now 20 year old incarcerated son. Long story (ies). I want you to know that so many of us are in the stages or places of not knowing what to do and feeling all these awful emotions. Did I do everything right? Heck no. Do I know terrible parents with decent kids. Heck, yes. I heard a psychologist (speaking to a large group) say, you know what you call parents of really good kids? LUCKY! Yes, there are things that parents can do to help ensure good behavior and good outcomes for children. Until someone invents a time machine to allow me to go back to 1991 and be a stay at home mom and never allow him to play with at someone else's home, always know when he is ill with ear infections and find all the right therapies, and never allow anything to happen to him (get my drift?) I will have to accept that things have happened that now take me to my current reality. I think a lot about alternative realities. But I also truly believe that some people (like my son, Jer, the incarcerated one) are very difficult people who make really horrible choices and are quite resistant to help. It is so hurtful and painful. Keep talking and posting. We are all searching. ((hugs))

Fancy · #31 12-25-2011, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mg113

I had two sons grow up in the same house,. one is a cryptologist for the us navy and has beem for 8 years now, with top security clearance, has never even had a parking ticket, the other is a hard core heroine addict.

I understand the feeling of failing as a parent, but I dont believe that to be true..... be kind to yourself his situation is not a sign of your failure.

Hugs

Me too....I have one son in the Air Force, highly successful.

And one son, nearly 20 that is making a bee line for jail.

At the end of the day, I am like the OP, wondering where I went wrong as a parent. Is there something I should have done differently?

dutchgirl1 · #32 12-25-2011, 08:42 AM

Hi Wayne.

I dont think any of us really failed as a parent. we all did the best we could with whatever circumstances were facing us. if you want to talk about failing... then look my way. I allowed my x to 'temporarily' take our 4 mos old son until I could get on my feet... I had 3 at home already. he went to court behind my back and got custody of this son and one of the other boys. I did little to fight (finances). I saw my old son for visits, but he never let me have anything to do with the baby boy. he never received my gifts, cards, etc. he was a horrible man who abused all of them but mostly this son. I am talking ABUSE.. verbal, mental, physical, emotional, etc etc etc. I didnt know any of this until much later.
my son came out to live w/hubs and I @ 18. we never had a relationship so it was yrs of batting our heads together. he went to prison 2x before...short terms. but this time, we are talking a long time. he will be my age if he gets parole @ 25yrs. in.

Yes, I blame myself for not being his mom - especially as a baby. my son does not blame me, but I still say...well I started the ball rolling!.

Wayne, our kids grow up with a lot of outside influences.. peer pressure, temptations, etc. None of our kids come to us and ask us,, hey think I am going to go do drugs or rob a store, or or or..... they dont ask permission. they know inside the right and wrong.
they also have to learn that their decisions come with a pricetag... a consequence.

it is hard for us, it hurts us. but all we can do when this happens is to hold our child up before the Lord and say ''help''. then allow Him to begin a work in us, in our child. and trust that He will make it all better..in His time.

hugs and prayers.
d'gal

bumblebee37 · #33 12-25-2011, 10:42 AM

I am!
It's crazy how a person can do everything in the world for other people but fail to recognize trouble when it is knocking on your front door and sleeps under your own roof.

auntieshay · #34 12-30-2011, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

I am!
It's crazy how a person can do everything in the world for other people but fail to recognize trouble when it is knocking on your front door and sleeps under your own roof.

BB37, Nope, no way, na na. You are not a failure. Hell no. You are a caring, compassionate mother. Who tried to move the world for you son. If you TRY you are already successful. HUGS

deerwoman · #35 01-10-2012, 10:08 AM

Sheesh, I was logged and did not receive permission to submit replay. Oh well, here goes anyway. I don't think I'm a failure as a parent. I did the best that I could. It was my son's choices that landed him in prison. He realizes that now. I am proud of him that he earned an associate degree while in there. I have 2 other childen who have bachelors degrees. My oldest son has a regular job. So I think I did okay.

HMR · #36 01-12-2012, 11:26 PM

Well, Wayne, here is some irony for ya, our son, is really our nephew who we fought to keep custody of as a toddler b/c we felt we could offer him a better chance at life than his drug addict mother!! So here we thought we were doing the right thing and who knows. I go back and forth everyday between guilt and anger , it's been 2 years. My husband has a much better grasp on it than I do.
Just hang on and try to get by the best way you can, that is what we all are doing, that is why I love this forum, it's the ONLY place where people understand what you're going through.

Jenny67 · #37 01-13-2012, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne1953

My son is in. the county jail. soon he will go off to state prison. in my prideful eye I visualize myself as a good father. yet my son was a train wreck. he was a train wreck waiting to happen from the moment he was born. he became a drug addict. he committed crimes. he was emotionally twisted. I did not see his internal pain. I cry everyday. on the 1 hand I cannot see my failure. on the other hand I must have failed. I feel so hopeless and emotionally destitute...

i feel the exact same... and its not getting any better..

comptontiffany1 · #38 05-31-2012, 12:48 AM

Im not a parent or anything, but your post kind of remineded me of my parents. Ive never been to jail for more than 2 days but I know it will be longer than that eventually if I dont straighten up. But irreguardless I'll talk about my dad first, He cries to me alot, always telling me how much he loves me & just wants me to straighten up & that he would do anything to help me. All of his other children are good and cause no problems this is why he thinks he failed me. Now my parents are divorced and My mom, has 2 kids who are "bad" in a sense. My younger brother has alot of problems and the other one is perfectly good, does everything he is suppose too. I feel for my mother. Shes watched me be arrested and slammed around, she was sooo depressed the 2 days I was gone. She didnt even go to work. Both my parents are just waiting for me to go to jail & that hurts me. I certainly dont want to go to jail but heres where my post come relevant to your question. I absolutely 100% do not blame my parents for anything. They did not fail me. They taught me right from wrong and I had a different way of doing things. I wish they didnt blame themselves so much, but I understand why they do. There my parents, but no definately dont think your a failure as a parent ANY of you. Sorry that was all over the place.

iminprisontoo · #39 05-31-2012, 07:43 AM

I have struggled with those feelings also and it's hard to come to terms with that. I never thought my son was a train wreck from the beginning. He was a great person, a good kid and never got in trouble until now so I am lucky in that way but parents are so quick to brag on their children's accomplishments like they are their own somehow so it seems to be that the same would be true on the opposite side. I don't know where I am on this yet. I haven't come to terms with it. Hairy

1bird2 · #40 05-31-2012, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hairy3947

I have struggled with those feelings also and it's hard to come to terms with that. I never thought my son was a train wreck from the beginning. He was a great person, a good kid and never got in trouble until now so I am lucky in that way but parents are so quick to brag on their children's accomplishments like they are their own somehow so it seems to be that the same would be true on the opposite side. I don't know where I am on this yet. I haven't come to terms with it. Hairy

That is an excellent point Hairy!!! I heard a sermon a long time ago that said the same thing!!! We cannot take credit when our children are successful....no more than we can "credit" ourselves when they mess up!
That is the very point that helped me come to terms with the fact that I am not a failure as a parent.

Jenny67 · #41 06-02-2012, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne1953

My son is in. the county jail. soon he will go off to state prison. in my prideful eye I visualize myself as a good father. yet my son was a train wreck. he was a train wreck waiting to happen from the moment he was born. he became a drug addict. he committed crimes. he was emotionally twisted. I did not see his internal pain. I cry everyday. on the 1 hand I cannot see my failure. on the other hand I must have failed. I feel so hopeless and emotionally destitute...

i feel like a horrible failure...i had to of done or not do something...bottom line..i am a failure

string of pearls · #42 06-03-2012, 10:06 AM

No you're not a failure as a parent. My son did a lot of things wrong and his father and I took it upon ourselves to shoulder part of the blame. Eventually our son wrote us a letter in which he said we had been good parents and had done nothing wrong, that none of what happened was in any way our fault. He said that it was his own poor choices that put him where he is.

Oftentimes our children need an extended amount of time to accept the responsibility for their actions especially if drug usage was involved. After they are in prison a while, they finally begin to see things more clearly.

The three C's helped me immensely. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I repeated them as a mantra to myself to remind myself that NONE of what happened was my fault. Your child has free will. It was his decision, not yours.

I hope that one day your son is able to express his appreciation to you for being a good parent.

JerryB2012 · #43 06-05-2012, 05:45 AM

This morning is a rough one. I'm not sure why as I thought I was slowly getting better able to accept my son's situation. But I guess progress is not linear and this morning I feel like I'm back in the nightmare with no way out. My son is on day 32 and waiting to be transferred from a county facility to a work/boot camp. We don't know when he'll be transferred but from what I understand it just happens one day and then he's gone and there's a period of time where we won't be able to contact him. I can relate so much to Wayne's original post - how did my son end up a drug addict? And I sit and think about all the things I did wrong as a parent (and there were many, trust me) and I cannot help but tie the two together and blame myself. Despite what everyone on this board says, I keep blaming myself and it is hard to let go of those feelings. I will continue to try and I appreciate everyone's comments and support. Wayne, if you're out there good luck.

KidzMom · #44 06-05-2012, 09:42 AM

Its Crazy!! To think we are bad parents and have failed. I too have these thoughts. First it was I have failed somewhere..then my son assured me I was a great parent (OK Whatever - other great parents kids are not in prison!) Currently I feel like I am failing because I have not written him 3 to 4 times a week (I still get out at least 2 letters) in the recent weeks AND that I have not even tried to set an appointment to see him in the past 3 weeks. How bad is that??

Am I really hitting the acceptance phase? He is still in reception but has been incarcerated for 11 months now (40 to go till ERD). San Quentin reception is constantly on lockdown and I have been turned away multiple times when I made appointments... I am no longer stressing about it. I feel like I am letting my son down by not stressing and not making every effort possible. Why must we bash our heads against the wall so much!

Will the guilt ever go away?

1bird2 · #45 06-05-2012, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KidzMom

Its Crazy!! To think we are bad parents and have failed. I too have these thoughts. First it was I have failed somewhere..then my son assured me I was a great parent (OK Whatever - other great parents kids are not in prison!) Currently I feel like I am failing because I have not written him 3 to 4 times a week (I still get out at least 2 letters) in the recent weeks AND that I have not even tried to set an appointment to see him in the past 3 weeks. How bad is that??

Am I really hitting the acceptance phase? He is still in reception but has been incarcerated for 11 months now (40 to go till ERD). San Quentin reception is constantly on lockdown and I have been turned away multiple times when I made appointments... I am no longer stressing about it. I feel like I am letting my son down by not stressing and not making every effort possible. Why must we bash our heads against the wall so much!

Will the guilt ever go away?

Oh my dear Kidsmom!!! Why feel like you are letting your son down by being sensible? If they are on lockdown so much....and yes, you've been turned away...I'd be leary of attempting a visit....AND I AM BIG ON VISITS! I've often wondered how I would react if I got up at 4am and drove 3 hours to be turned away at the gates!!! (I don't think it would be a pretty picture!!)....and you've been turned away SEVERAL times...
Please DO NOT feel guilty!!! I know it is a wierd feeling...when you realize that you are NOT stressing....but let it be "good wierd"! Just try it.
I'm behind ...WAY behind on several prisoner letters....I hate it...but, I can't NOT check in with the parents!!...That is what I do for ME!
It is OK....reallly it is.
RELAX every time you can....stress free....guilt free. You will be a stronger you for doing so!
Love and prayers,
XXOO

Noeleen · #46 06-06-2012, 03:26 AM

We love them unconditionally. We are there for them whenever they need us...but..we can't live their lives for them!! All we can do is...be what ever they need us to be, and never let them down.
They make choices.. they learn from their mistakes. With my son..I will just be there for him when he needs me, when he is ready.
I love him.