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Amy213 · #1 04-24-2012, 03:24 AM

Ok so I've been on this forum a lot reading so many of your storys & have never told mine so here goes. My bf is in prison for 3 years for aggravated assault & I'm the victim. This is what happened;he an I had been together for 2 years an we both got on drugs pretty bad an things quickly went bad for us. After a 4 day binge with no sleep. He snapped an I was the one he snapped on. I managed to get my phone out & call someone that lived down ds road he got there an pulled him off me. He messed me up pretty bad! Its weird to hear myself talk to my friends about my situation cause they all think I'm crazy an sometimes I'm like did I really just say that? I've been supporting him so far since hes been in prison an plan on sticking with him. I'm not sure if I even could get over him an trust me I know that's sounds crazy but I do still love him. How did some of y'all get over them? Has anyone else been in this situation?

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yourself · #2 04-24-2012, 03:52 AM

Do you ever get over them? No. But, you do heal from the abuse. It takes a lot of work, a lot of trauma therapy and DV counseling.

I personally can't understand people who stay in romantic relationships with their abusers. I'm stuck with my abuser - he's related to me. That doesn't mean he's involved in my life - I can't do that to myself. Further, for the sake of the rest of the family, I can't do that to him. See, if he goes off on me, he winds up in prison. Again. And next time, it's not going to be a short ride. He doesn't get treatment in prison. He doesn't get sober in prison. He just gets meaner, at least to me. I love him enough to make sure that I'm not available as his target. I love him enough that I'm not willing to be his victim. If he gets help, he gets help. Maybe one day he'll try to actually atone for the things he did. I hope so. I will not hold my breath.

You want to stand by him - why? What's he done to make sure that it never happens again? What's he done to heal the damage he caused you? Has he said anything other than, "sorry, but I was high"?

What have you done for yourself to heal?

nimuay · #3 04-24-2012, 04:40 AM

Well, kiddo, fundamentally your friends are right - it is crazy. It's a craziness that all of us here in DV have been through . . . and fortunately recovered from.

It's not about love - not his love (because it's not love) or yours (because yours is a whole different thing - a need, a longing to fix up your past).

And even if you do love him, it doesn't mean you should ever let him near you again, does it? Love him like he's a favorite painting or rapper. You won't be creating a relationship with either of those, but you'll still love them.

Or think of him as a dangerous dog. If it's bitten you badly, you don't go back and offer another chance.

And most of all, go get some counseling! Start to understand why he makes you crazy and how to go about getting sane again (you were before you met him and you can be again!).

Amy213 · #4 04-24-2012, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yourself

Do you ever get over them? No. But, you do heal from the abuse. It takes a lot of work, a lot of trauma therapy and DV counseling.

I personally can't understand people who stay in romantic relationships with their abusers. I'm stuck with my abuser - he's related to me. That doesn't mean he's involved in my life - I can't do that to myself. Further, for the sake of the rest of the family, I can't do that to him. See, if he goes off on me, he winds up in prison. Again. And next time, it's not going to be a short ride. He doesn't get treatment in prison. He doesn't get sober in prison. He just gets meaner, at least to me. I love him enough to make sure that I'm not available as his target. I love him enough that I'm not willing to be his victim. If he gets help, he gets help. Maybe one day he'll try to actually atone for the things he did. I hope so. I will not hold my breath.

You want to stand by him - why? What's he done to make sure that it never happens again? What's he done to heal the damage he caused you? Has he said anything other than, "sorry, but I was high"?

What have you done for yourself to heal?

To answer your questions first off I'm really not sure why I want to stand by him he was ordered to take anger management an drug an alcohol classes. He has said a lot to me about this hes apologized several times. This is really tuff for me but I fell like I owe him for some reason an again I know it all sounds crazy but maybe I am crazy! I'm in recovery an have been for 8 months.

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Amy213 · #5 04-24-2012, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nimuay

Well, kiddo, fundamentally your friends are right - it is crazy. It's a craziness that all of us here in DV have been through . . . and fortunately recovered from.

It's not about love - not his love (because it's not love) or yours (because yours is a whole different thing - a need, a longing to fix up your past).

And even if you do love him, it doesn't mean you should ever let him near you again, does it? Love him like he's a favorite painting or rapper. You won't be creating a relationship with either of those, but you'll still love them.

Or think of him as a dangerous dog. If it's bitten you badly, you don't go back and offer another chance.

And most of all, go get some counseling! Start to understand why he makes you crazy and how to go about getting sane again (you were before you met him and you can be again!).

Thanks for the advice an I've actually considered therapy but never followed thru with it. Not really sure why. I tend to jump to his defense when someone says something negative about him. I kinda feel like we bring the absolute worst an the best out in each other if that makes any sense! I don't know how to give up on him an just walk away.......

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wickit · #6 04-24-2012, 10:20 AM

I'm sorry this has happened to you! Please try and understand staying with him will not make you sane! This is a very toxic situation and you need help in order to sort it all out! Find a domestic violence shelter in your area and they will point you in the right direction. We are here for you, hugs!!

MissingMyDaniel · #7 04-26-2012, 11:24 AM

For me, it took 8 years, rediscovering my righteous indignation, and the realization that I was hurting my children by staying. Looking back, it was my children that played the most important factor in my decision to get out. Everyone has their own breaking point and I believe that for many it is reaching that point that finally motivates them to leave. I was able to excuse the violence at first because I thought I loved him. It took almost a year for me to realize that I did not love him because he was not the man I thought he was but by that time I was pregnant and didn't have anywhere else to turn. So I stayed. To answer your original question, you get over your abuser by seeing them for who and what they truly are, not the person they project themselves to be or who you want them to be. You acknowledge that this person has serious issues that put you at risk and if you can't get over them, you love them from a SAFE distance. Much like a diabetic that craves chocolate, no matter how desperately they want that chocolate it could kill them!

Klewis · #8 04-26-2012, 11:47 AM

I got over the one who hurt me with time and I took time to get to know myself. I got so caught up in having a man and I started young so I never got the chance to grow and know what it is I want, like or need. I grew up in a abusive home so I did not know that being hit was just so not right. I watched my brother juggle plenty of women so I did not know being cheated on was just so not right. I knew it hurted like hell to be done that way but I did not know I deserved better. Once I took time out and started a relationship with myself I realized that I was worthy to be truly loved. Loved to the point it never hurts my heart, mind or soul. I learned the good things about me and what I had to bring to the table of a relationship. Once I got with my Fiance' I learned I had more to learn so he help to teach me how to control my anger. How to communicate in a positive way my frustrations and then he helped me to understand that when someone loves you they walk the journey with you. If you shall fall they don't leave you, laugh at you or kick you while your down but they reach their hand out to you and pull you back up. Thats how I got over the one that hurted me. I realized that he was never worth my pain and I forgave him because I realized he is living in pain because he does not know what true love is.

Sunflower · #9 04-28-2012, 11:23 AM

Its so not easy, and while you are supporting him in jail then he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
If you want to be with him, let him do his time on his own, get out and take steps to stay clean and get anger management and then prove to you he has changed. They can write anything on paper, and im sure while inside he wants to do good. But who is to say he isnt building anger against you daily because he feels you are the reason he is in jail.
Im proud of ya for getting clean, just stay strong and figure out what you need, not what he needs.!!

Amy213 · #10 04-28-2012, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower

Its so not easy, and while you are supporting him in jail then he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
If you want to be with him, let him do his time on his own, get out and take steps to stay clean and get anger management and then prove to you he has changed. They can write anything on paper, and im sure while inside he wants to do good. But who is to say he isnt building anger against you daily because he feels you are the reason he is in jail.
Im proud of ya for getting clean, just stay strong and figure out what you need, not what he needs.!!

I'd be lyin if I said the thought that he will have built up anger when he gets out hasn't crossed my mind. I'm just not sure on what to do... like I said earlier for some reason I feel like I owe him. It sounds crazy every time I say that! The DA told me I had battered womans syndrome & wanted me to talk to a therapist maybe I should! Just still have lots of mixed emotions! This happened on August 8, 2011 so its still kinda all a lil fresh.

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nimuay · #11 04-28-2012, 02:12 PM

Get to the therapist ASAP~ sooner is definitely better! It will do much to ease your mind and heart.

**Nieves915** · #12 05-06-2012, 08:28 AM

I cant say that i got over it.... I am not with my abuser anymore, i did finally wake up and leave when i realized that he would kill me one day.... have i forgiven him,,, yes,,, why cuz its not my battle with him..... he has to face his judgement as we al do and i know that Karma loves to find its people. If i dont forgive him he will forever have a hold on me and I refuse to let him have one more day of control in my life. 6 years was plently.
Funny, i swore i would never ever ever leave his side, and one night i snapped, just like that and said IM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he stalked me for about a year,,, taking pictures of me at restaurants, emailing me, fbing me, trying to destroy me and my current husbands relationship, hes cut the break lines on car, sliced tires 4 times, and is currently awaiting trial again.... but this time the DA agreed to let him plee for 7 years straight probation.... thats the DA abusing me right there, but it is what it is.......... as long as he doesnt come near me or my family.

**frostwoman1954** · #13 05-06-2012, 09:56 AM

Amy,

I'm in Hattiesburg. There is a shelter in Laurel than can help you thru counseling and it's sister shelter in H'burg. They have the same counselor and she's very good. If you need the numbers, let me know. The counseling is FREE, hon. Hope this helps.

Michele

Amy213 · #14 05-06-2012, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostwoman1954

Amy,

I'm in Hattiesburg. There is a shelter in Laurel than can help you thru counseling and it's sister shelter in H'burg. They have the same counselor and she's very good. If you need the numbers, let me know. The counseling is FREE, hon. Hope this helps.

Michele

Could you send me this info please?

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Olderthanmost · #15 05-06-2012, 11:34 AM

That's what is so great about PTO!

Sister's helping sister's. We have some helpful brother's on here too. PTO folks have an abundance of knowledge about alot of subjects and they don't mind helping one another. We are definitely all in this together.

tnm8 · #16 05-23-2012, 10:44 PM

I am asking myself that question these days and mostly it is with time... Outsiders think that once we see them be abusive to us we'll immediately leave but i didn't.. probably because i was so blinded by the love. i have been sad and letting myself feel the emotions i couldn't really feel when i still lived with him. i feel hurt, anger, betrayal... because people that LOVE you truly won't do that. and i see it now. i just never thought i'd get in another relationship like that.. its hard letting go but i know i am going to have to do it. its hard going from spending all of my days with him to acting like strangers....and being alone... but it is what it is. all he ever does is hurt me, but i won't call him anymore or answer his phone calls... what good will it do? absolutely none.

i just lied.....just answered a call.....but i know nothing will ever change... its weird how i think things are so wonderful when he isn't being abusive. whatever.

InmateLover67 · #17 05-24-2012, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy213

Ok so I've been on this forum a lot reading so many of your storys & have never told mine so here goes. My bf is in prison for 3 years for aggravated assault & I'm the victim. This is what happened;he an I had been together for 2 years an we both got on drugs pretty bad an things quickly went bad for us. After a 4 day binge with no sleep. He snapped an I was the one he snapped on. I managed to get my phone out & call someone that lived down ds road he got there an pulled him off me. He messed me up pretty bad! Its weird to hear myself talk to my friends about my situation cause they all think I'm crazy an sometimes I'm like did I really just say that? I've been supporting him so far since hes been in prison an plan on sticking with him. I'm not sure if I even could get over him an trust me I know that's sounds crazy but I do still love him. How did some of y'all get over them? Has anyone else been in this situation?

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I got over them when I chose to stand up for myself and get therapy! When I started that, I began to realize how toxic they were for me and how everything they said to me was only being said to manipulate and control me.

It sounds to me like you are making an excuse for him "messing you up pretty bad", because of the binge. It is NEVER okay to hit a woman high or not. And, your friends love and care about you, they should be telling you that! If they did not care, they would not say anything. You know deep in your heart this is not right, or you would not be thinking "did I just say that"?

I do not believe you love him, but rather you love the man you want him to be or think he can be. Hun, your thoughts and feelings are distorted, which is normal for women in DV relationships.

I hope one day, before it is too late you get out of this relationship. Are you allowed to have contact with him, if you are his victim?

Ugh, I am sick to my stomach in knowing you are standing beside someone that has hurt you. I really hope you seek therapy for yourself, because you deserve so much better.

Peace~

Amy213 · #18 06-05-2012, 11:10 AM

Well for those of you that didnt see the new thread I started,I finally broke it off with him. A dear friend of mine sent me 2 pictures of myself 1 taken in da hospital right after & the other taken 3 weeks later. It took me seein these pictures to realize that this man could not have loved me at all! You dont hurt someone so.badly that you claim to love! I know I looked at myself a thousand times when this happened but I guess with the shock of it all I just didnt realize what I do now. Thank God for my friend for sending me these pictures. I cant say that I still dont have days that I think about him but with the help of God they will pass!

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Klewis · #19 06-05-2012, 11:27 AM

Day by day. Your beautiful and you deserve to be treated that way.

Amy213 · #20 06-05-2012, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Klewis

Day by day. Your beautiful and you deserve to be treated that way.

Thank you! Like I said I still have tough days but I do know Im not looking back I maybe alone for the rest of my life but I will not allow anyone to treat me that way ever again!

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