Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

LostLove4ever · #1 05-30-2012, 07:00 PM

Do crack addicts ever really change? I finally put an end to a 1 1/2 yr dreadful and draining relationship. It has left me to feel like a failure, empty and hopeless about life. I feel like i took 10 steps back by believing him again and each time is more money and more drop offs to the trap. this past weekend I went away with my family and he tried to make me feel bad for going. He wanted me to stay with him in HER apt all weekend while she was gone. I came back and saw him to say bye before he went to rehab and he went right back to asking for money and using. The next day I told him I dont want to see you and bc i put my foot down he saiid FUK ME and went back to her.

I know I was an enabler but I have never been in a relationship like this. I had to deal with his millions of lies about his baby mama and her attacking me because she believes every word he says. And his brother who I was friends with since 6th grade stopped talking to me and basically he made me look like a fool to his family.

He was kicked out of everyones house bc of his actions and has no where to go but rehab and its county rehab so he was forced by his family. Would 30 days really change him? He is supposed to move to atlanta with his baby mama, does location change him? I mean he abused her, cheated and took money and her car and she denies it all and was the one that told me.

They blame me for everything he does bc when they would kick him to the curb i would be there to help and when i was helping they wanted him back and blamed me as I was the only enabler, when his brother would smoke pot with him after jail, his baby mama would kick him out, take him back and so on.

I have co workers who are 17 months and a yr clean and they go to NA meetings and do 12 step every day. Is this the only way he could change? can he change without it?

I hate trying to fugure out this illness. i am codependent and I hate this feeling.

I sometimes want to hear NO he will not change and she will always deal with this. I told her he will always cheat and abuse her. She doesnt care as long as she has him. she doesnt care if he cheats on her anything at all.

I know he lied and played both of us, i am happy I am the one to break free but I am so fragile right now and it hurts so much.

InmateLover67 · #2 05-30-2012, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostLove4ever

Do crack addicts ever really change? I finally put an end to a 1 1/2 yr dreadful and draining relationship. It has left me to feel like a failure, empty and hopeless about life. I feel like i took 10 steps back by believing him again and each time is more money and more drop offs to the trap. this past weekend I went away with my family and he tried to make me feel bad for going. He wanted me to stay with him in HER apt all weekend while she was gone. I came back and saw him to say bye before he went to rehab and he went right back to asking for money and using. The next day I told him I dont want to see you and bc i put my foot down he saiid FUK ME and went back to her.

I know I was an enabler but I have never been in a relationship like this. I had to deal with his millions of lies about his baby mama and her attacking me because she believes every word he says. And his brother who I was friends with since 6th grade stopped talking to me and basically he made me look like a fool to his family.

He was kicked out of everyones house bc of his actions and has no where to go but rehab and its county rehab so he was forced by his family. Would 30 days really change him? He is supposed to move to atlanta with his baby mama, does location change him? I mean he abused her, cheated and took money and her car and she denies it all and was the one that told me.

They blame me for everything he does bc when they would kick him to the curb i would be there to help and when i was helping they wanted him back and blamed me as I was the only enabler, when his brother would smoke pot with him after jail, his baby mama would kick him out, take him back and so on.

I have co workers who are 17 months and a yr clean and they go to NA meetings and do 12 step every day. Is this the only way he could change? can he change without it?

I hate trying to fugure out this illness. i am codependent and I hate this feeling.

I sometimes want to hear NO he will not change and she will always deal with this. I told her he will always cheat and abuse her. She doesnt care as long as she has him. she doesnt care if he cheats on her anything at all.

I know he lied and played both of us, i am happy I am the one to break free but I am so fragile right now and it hurts so much.

Hun, get yourself to a codependents anonymous meeting, as well as, Al-anon. You will not be sorry, because you will be in a room with people experiencing similar if not the same things as you.

You will heal, in time. Keep moving forward and take everything one day at a time.

Peace~

tripsgirl · #3 05-30-2012, 07:42 PM

He will only change if he really wants to change.

LadeeInWaiting · #4 05-30-2012, 10:40 PM

When you care about someone it is not easy to leave them.. even if it is for the right reasons. Being codependancy makes that even harder. Dont be afraid to seek out help whatever you preference - I did a family support group , read an AA big book, and joined PTO

Give yourself time. Time has a away of distancing our hearts and allowing is a clearer view.

LostLove4ever · #5 06-02-2012, 09:14 PM

It hurts so bad. I put my foot down today and although it feels like i am the fool and hurts, i cant feel like this anymore.

He called me after 3 days of not hearing from him and he tells me he wants to go out and wants to talk and see me. (in my head, i am thinking he wants to go use, or even if he doesnt he wants me to pretend like nothing happened and make up with him)

I told him I was having lunch with my friend and i was running errands. he got mad at that and says I put him second now. (when every chance he had with me in person he messed it up by wanting to use)

When he called me 2 hours later i told him i wasnt feeling well (which i really wasnt) and he decided to stop talking to me and said F*CK me and started making other plans.

He said he wanted to go get a drink or smoke and i told him i dont want him to be under any infulence, he didnt want to hear it.

He has been told by his PO he has to seek treatment or else he is going back to jail. I am assuming he will be going to jail for treatment. He justed wanted to have me back while he went in there.

I put my foot down and he couldnt understand, I am not as upset as i thought i would be, but it always makes me feel like my pain has taken a step back again in my process, i just cant afford the pain anymore.

i wish things could be different, should i feel bad for not going out with him tonight??? for him not getting his way, but of course in his head, i am lying.

InmateLover67 · #6 06-02-2012, 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostLove4ever

It hurts so bad. I put my foot down today and although it feels like i am the fool and hurts, i cant feel like this anymore.

He called me after 3 days of not hearing from him and he tells me he wants to go out and wants to talk and see me. (in my head, i am thinking he wants to go use, or even if he doesnt he wants me to pretend like nothing happened and make up with him)

I told him I was having lunch with my friend and i was running errands. he got mad at that and says I put him second now. (when every chance he had with me in person he messed it up by wanting to use)

When he called me 2 hours later i told him i wasnt feeling well (which i really wasnt) and he decided to stop talking to me and said F*CK me and started making other plans.

He said he wanted to go get a drink or smoke and i told him i dont want him to be under any infulence, he didnt want to hear it.

He has been told by his PO he has to seek treatment or else he is going back to jail. I am assuming he will be going to jail for treatment. He justed wanted to have me back while he went in there.

I put my foot down and he couldnt understand, I am not as upset as i thought i would be, but it always makes me feel like my pain has taken a step back again in my process, i just cant afford the pain anymore.

i wish things could be different, should i feel bad for not going out with him tonight??? for him not getting his way, but of course in his head, i am lying.

No, you should not feel bad for not wanting to go out with him.

If you have chosen not to be a part of his using, then you need to break all ties with him. If you continue to feed into his manipulation tactics, you will become even sicker than you already are. Being in a relationship with an addict is challenging and if the spouse is not in a recovery program themselves, the addict will take them down with them.

Please, get to some local Codependents anonymous, Al-anon, or Nar-anon mettings in your area. If you do not take steps to recover from the effects of his addiction, things will stay the same. You cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

He needs treatment and I would tell him that until he can prove that he is on the road to recovery, you will not sit back and watch him continue to self-destruct.

I hope you find the strength and courage to change your part in this relationship, get help.

Peace~

**LifeTraveler** · #7 06-03-2012, 06:44 AM

You need to break all ties with this man in order for YOU to get better. He is a user and manipulator, and you know that. He uses you to make things better for himself.

You need to STOP taking his calls. You did the right thing by not meeting him. If you let him, he will only continue to drag you down.

LostLove4ever · #8 06-03-2012, 01:31 PM

I know and i have. I just always feel guilty for ending things right when he is about to go to jail or go get help and i feel like i give up on him or at least he makes me feel like i give up on him. He always wants me to stay by his side and make sure were 100% on the same page! I guess im always waiting for the potential or change and i have a fear of him changing and leaving me behind.

thisfamily · #9 06-03-2012, 02:12 PM

You are so brave for ending this... its not easy, I know..
It's all on him, not you.. and hopefully in time you will start to believe that. I really think he's not worth keeping after reading about him. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't cheat or disrespect you so blatantly like that.
Stay strong!!

ahora2012 · #10 06-04-2012, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostLove4ever

I know and i have. I just always feel guilty for ending things right when he is about to go to jail or go get help and i feel like i give up on him or at least he makes me feel like i give up on him. He always wants me to stay by his side and make sure were 100% on the same page! I guess im always waiting for the potential or change and i have a fear of him changing and leaving me behind.

leave him be - dont answer the calls or texts - change your number - youre as desparate as he is for healing and truth.
you need to detox from him. he is your fix. you are getting a high from the drama. i have been there - and it takes work to get through that - my suggestion is to get to a NA yourself - attend out patient rehab - you will be surprised how much you have in common with a 'drug' addict.
it is not about him changing anymore its about you - you put your foot down, now walk! you are important too. your health is important too. you deserve to be free too. your head is as cloudy as his is.
you are not a failure - its courageous and brave to demand change in your life and to do whatever it takes to have the life you dream about.
youre not his savior.

Kajun48 · #11 06-04-2012, 08:12 PM

There is little hope of him changing until he makes that decision on his own to stay clean. I don't know much about the crack addiction but, have more than enough about coke and meth. I
I sent my son through the 30,60,90 and 180 day rehabs, all for nothing, over a 100 grand down the drain until he decided that it was time to really try and stay clean. In the 22 years it took him to get to this decision he went through 3 wifes and numerous girl friends all drug user met in rehab and a three year prison stint. It took the three years to wake him up. If, you have that much time and love to give, give it to someone who really care about you and your feeling. Stay the hell away!

Mom'sNightmare · #12 06-04-2012, 08:38 PM

He will change when he is ready and you will change when you are ready. Are you ready? If so, take the advice you've been given. Change your number and stop all contact with him. It hurts and I understand that. But which hurts more ~ continuing your life this way or taking that first step in the right direction.

You aren't putting him second. You are putting yourself first, which isn't something to feel guilty about. Don't settle for someone who treats you this way. Find yourself some help, let him go, and heal. Once you've done that, you'll be able to move forward with your life. Until you do that, you are stuck. You have to decide, do you want to stay stuck in the mess he calls a life, or do you want a real life for yourself?

It's hard but it will be worth it. Once you realize that you deserve more than this, you will never look back.

Good luck.

LostLove4ever · #13 06-05-2012, 06:08 PM

Thank you all for your support. It feels like i am running a marathon with no finish line sometimes. It feels like a child trying to learn how to read or write. its sooo frustrating bc I have NEVER put me 1st and I dont know how to love me to fill this void.

Instead of filling myself up with good things, it was his posion and his words that did the damage.

I know in the end it will pay off and i will feel rewarded but right now I cant help but wonder why he hasnt called me or where he is. I actually would feel more angry knowing he went back to her house and didnt call me instead of him being on the streets.

I wish karma can show its face now bc i am bitter inside and dont want him to change until i am completely and utterly done with him.

wishful thinking but I know for a fact he isnt the one for me. even with out the using and drugs and lying and cheating his level of motivation and ambition lacks. and the level of communication is not there. He is stuck in a high schoolers mind at 31 yrs old without a job or car or dollar to his name.

I just wish I can constantly tell myself YOU ARE BETTER OFF!!!! TRUST YOURSELF!!!

**lisainengland** · #14 06-06-2012, 01:13 AM

You know deep down that you are better off without him and look at the strength you have. I agree with the other posters, find a local NA meeting and draw strength from sharing your experience with others.
I believe in karma and your karma will be proving to yourself that you can rebuild your life without him and move on to bigger and better things. Trust and believe in yourself and tell yourself this everytime you look in the mirror.

Mom'sNightmare · #15 06-06-2012, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostLove4ever

Thank you all for your support. It feels like i am running a marathon with no finish line sometimes. It feels like a child trying to learn how to read or write. its sooo frustrating bc I have NEVER put me 1st and I dont know how to love me to fill this void.

Instead of filling myself up with good things, it was his posion and his words that did the damage.

I know in the end it will pay off and i will feel rewarded but right now I cant help but wonder why he hasnt called me or where he is. I actually would feel more angry knowing he went back to her house and didnt call me instead of him being on the streets.

I wish karma can show its face now bc i am bitter inside and dont want him to change until i am completely and utterly done with him.

wishful thinking but I know for a fact he isnt the one for me. even with out the using and drugs and lying and cheating his level of motivation and ambition lacks. and the level of communication is not there. He is stuck in a high schoolers mind at 31 yrs old without a job or car or dollar to his name.

I just wish I can constantly tell myself YOU ARE BETTER OFF!!!! TRUST YOURSELF!!!

If you've never put yourself first, there's no time like the present to begin doing that. You have to find your own worth in order to find someone who is worthy of you.

As far as karma goes, the best way to get even is to be successful. As you move forward and work on becoming more, well ~ you, your light will shine through. The day will come when he'll look back and think, wow ~ I could have had that. By then, you'll be so much better that it won't matter.

Don't let another person disrespect you. That is the first way to begin the healing process. You have to decide what boundaries cannot be crossed, and then adhere to it. Once you find your own self-worth, confidence, and value, you'll never look back.

Consider this a learning experience, and one that will lead you to something good, something that you deserve. You DO deserve much more than he can ever give you. Rise above this so-called man. He's not worthy of you.

Best wishes to you.

LostLove4ever · #16 06-13-2012, 05:03 PM

The pain I have inside is excruating. I have been on an all time high and happiness from not hearing from my ex the past 2 weeks. The last I heard from him he wanted to hang out and i didnt want to see him, he called me saying he was at the beach with his friends and he was with his baby mama instead (he lied to me) and asked to watch the game later. He never called.

He texted me and called and said how much he loved me and cared no matter what. I never responded or answered. I have been feeling like a million bucks!!!
Just NOW! He calls me from another # and i picked up. I dont understand how someones voice could make you break down. I stood my ground and he said he was staying with a woman and her boyfriend who have been clean for years and he was coming to my area to see his friend and he wanted to see me. Mind you I havent heard from him in 2 weeks and he tells me he hasnt been using drugs but he got into a car accident and police has been looking for him and he has a warrant. I didnt believe him. The people he was staying with got on the phone and they didnt sound so clean either.
I told him I didnt want to see him. He asked me for money if I were to see him and he was like its not even about the money i wanna see you but can u give me gas money please. The old me wouldve done it in a heartbeat, the new mean wanted to believe him so bad that he truly wanted to talk but when he asked for money i knew something was wrong.
He brought up petty stuff to blame on me bc I didnt want to see him. He turned it around bc i stood my ground and he said "fine, i know i lost you, i am moving on and you wont hear from me." Kept and saying sorry but i realize things will never be the same"
Yes he is right things will never be the same, but him saying he will go to rehab and change and never talk to me like he is better off without me, is like a knife gutting me over and over again.
im crying writing this bc he thinks he is in the right and i stood my ground so much that it hurts that he didnt fight for me or tell me he loved me. (Even though he doesnt) I told him why cant u talk to me after you get out of rehab or jail. Why are you so persistant to see me. And the only thing I think of is him getting money and scoring dope. Even if he isnt thats all i see from him
How can I be sooooo happy lately and let his little words take me down.

i will not cry anymore. I am getting stronger. just hurts.

I know i dont know any of you but I truly love and appreciate you guys for helping me through this all

**LifeTraveler** · #17 06-13-2012, 11:01 PM

You WILL get through this. You just have to continue to stand your ground. You have to love YOU more than anybody else right now. He is just one man in a sea of millions. What he thinks doesn't matter right now. His thinking is addled by drugs anyway, so his thinking isn't clear at all. Your best bet would be to hang up the minute you recognize your voice on the phone.

bdwell · #18 06-14-2012, 10:47 PM

I will tell you not to feel bad about your decisions not to be a part of his life. One thing I know for sure...addicts are master manipulators!!!!!!! They can feed you sugar while smiling in your face and at the same time picking your pocket. It seems you are a smart chick, you have to decide if you are tired of being manipulated ( and yes right now everything he says is a game to get what he wants/needs so he can use) PERIOD. When you have had enuff you will put him behind you and if he ever has enuff maybe he will finally get sober.

DiorAdora · #19 06-14-2012, 11:04 PM

I have been in this place like yourself. Even though you have put your foot down your still going to go thru a great deal of emotions. For me I wanted to believe he was something else. I made up this make believe person that he never was. I'd say when he is sober I love him .. But now I have the strength to look back and see that I feel in love with a liar that never existed. It takes time but I'll tell you it was the best choice of my life to leave the relationship. I finally felt free and no longer worried about where the money for his next fix was coming from! Keep your head up! Stay strong

LostLove4ever · #20 06-17-2012, 08:14 PM

so i have some good and bad news......

the day after i wrote this recent post, he called me from the unknown number and was in a rage. I knew what time it was. he was putting me down saying "everyone has told me no matter what my baby mama will always be here for me" that was a dagger to my heart bc she will take him back anytime. I accepted it and told him i have accepted this and i am happy.

He started saying he needed 20 dollars so bad and was pratically crying. he said he was on my way to my house. I told him NO NO NO! i was pleading i even said i would western union him money bc i did not want to see him at all. He was getting so upset that I have not been wanting to see him. I stopped answering his calls.

I started getting nervous and called my girlfriend to tell her he said he was coming by. 15 minutes later he was knocking at my door. I almost fainted. I live with my parents and I told him i left and my parents were home. I hid in my bathroom with the lights off, He came through my back door and ripped my phone out of his hand. I was screaming and telling him please get out ill give you whatever u want. I grabbed whatever cash i had and ran towards the front door, i ended up getting him out of my house and locked the door behind me, he was pounding at the door and screaming saying "I NEED 20 dollars this isnt enough, take me to the ATM, get in the car" I was screaming for my life. He had my phone and i knew i had to tell my parents because i thought he took my phone. He left and I was dying inside. my parents came home and found my phone outside and they called the cops.

make a long story short I pressed charges, he is pretty much homeless using these people he is staying with (he is probably their drug runner) car and phone. so I dk where he is.

I changed my number and getting a restraining order this week. I am upset because I know im gonna go through the ringer even though i have nothing to lie about. just kinda upset what he will do. I brought fear to my family house and now i get sick to my stomach thinking something can happen again or he could do something again or even do something for pursuing the charges.

I hate myself for bringing my family into this, they didnt know about it and its good i got everything out of my life, the lies to my parents and him. but I feel sooooo relieved its over but soooo stupid and fearful inside. He makes me look at him as a zombie now like who knows if he started using bath salts bc its cheaper but i hate myself. I am going to get help. start meetings more and counseling.

why when i cut it off this had to happen. my parents lost their trust for me, my dad said i am an embarrassment and that i am too nieve. (I am) like how can i lived this life with this guy?? why did it need to come to this???

I dont know. i am in shock and it hits me every so often.

**LifeTraveler** · #21 06-17-2012, 09:10 PM

Ok. It's all out in the open now. Your father needs to get off his high horse and be thankful that his daughter is alive and well. That man could have killed you in the state of his rage.

Listen, he's going to jail. That is NOT your fault. That is HIS fault. Get your restraining order and don't talk to him at all anymore EVER. Get yourself to more counseling and do what you have to do for yourself!! YOU come first here. You always have.

I'm so sorry that it had to come to this, but now you KNOW for sure this man is nothing but a problem. You've really known that all along. Hang in there. We're behind you all the way!

**nevaeh2morrow** · #22 06-18-2012, 10:13 PM

EXACTLY What LIFETRAVELER said!!!!!!!

shutteringheart · #23 10-03-2012, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostLove4ever

so i have some good and bad news......

the day after i wrote this recent post, he called me from the unknown number and was in a rage. I knew what time it was. he was putting me down saying "everyone has told me no matter what my baby mama will always be here for me" that was a dagger to my heart bc she will take him back anytime. I accepted it and told him i have accepted this and i am happy.

He started saying he needed 20 dollars so bad and was pratically crying. he said he was on my way to my house. I told him NO NO NO! i was pleading i even said i would western union him money bc i did not want to see him at all. He was getting so upset that I have not been wanting to see him. I stopped answering his calls.

I started getting nervous and called my girlfriend to tell her he said he was coming by. 15 minutes later he was knocking at my door. I almost fainted. I live with my parents and I told him i left and my parents were home. I hid in my bathroom with the lights off, He came through my back door and ripped my phone out of his hand. I was screaming and telling him please get out ill give you whatever u want. I grabbed whatever cash i had and ran towards the front door, i ended up getting him out of my house and locked the door behind me, he was pounding at the door and screaming saying "I NEED 20 dollars this isnt enough, take me to the ATM, get in the car" I was screaming for my life. He had my phone and i knew i had to tell my parents because i thought he took my phone. He left and I was dying inside. my parents came home and found my phone outside and they called the cops.

make a long story short I pressed charges, he is pretty much homeless using these people he is staying with (he is probably their drug runner) car and phone. so I dk where he is.

I changed my number and getting a restraining order this week. I am upset because I know im gonna go through the ringer even though i have nothing to lie about. just kinda upset what he will do. I brought fear to my family house and now i get sick to my stomach thinking something can happen again or he could do something again or even do something for pursuing the charges.

I hate myself for bringing my family into this, they didnt know about it and its good i got everything out of my life, the lies to my parents and him. but I feel sooooo relieved its over but soooo stupid and fearful inside. He makes me look at him as a zombie now like who knows if he started using bath salts bc its cheaper but i hate myself. I am going to get help. start meetings more and counseling.

why when i cut it off this had to happen. my parents lost their trust for me, my dad said i am an embarrassment and that i am too nieve. (I am) like how can i lived this life with this guy?? why did it need to come to this???

I dont know. i am in shock and it hits me every so often.

I hope your doing better now.
I have to say I've been thourgh hell because of my ex thats a addict. His drug of choice was meth. We have 2kids. I hoped and prayed he would get off of it. but he never thought he needed rehab and could do it by himself. But this last time he decided to go to rehab. Heres the thing. Rehab will only work if they really want to straighten out. He told me himself there were alot of people just there not even trying. Doing what ever to get by and how when they get out they were going to get their next fix. I'd like to tell you we are together however the lies and minipulation took its toll. He was still lying to me in rehab and the thing that finally set me free was finding out he slept with my best friends older sister. (which ewww!) Anyway, your guy lied and plays you and the baby mama. He hurts you both and everyone around him. Yes because of the drug but its his choices as well.
To me you sound a bit like me when i wasn't really done with him but wanted to be. I was conflicted like you because I would think of the what ifs and think well i put all this time in this and if he gets better and goes out w/someone else and because I held on to that good person I would get sad because I wanted that good person to be with me always not someone else. But the thing is 6yrs of trying everything and nothing mattered what I did. Finally I was done. I have two kids to protect from him if he goes back. And although its the begining since his been out of rehab.(the begining when you think their clean is always the happiest) I see the small patterns that I know will be his down fall. If not good. His a good dad. But if he does I gotta protect my girls.
I get along with their dad. But he doesnt live with us and visits his kids. We do things as a family sometimes but we are not together.

And the thing about his baby mama. You deserve to be first choice to everything & anyone. I mean he has a kid and they should be priority too but it doesnt sound like his really even taking care of that. Yall both deserve real love. Not to be used. Love doesn't hurt. It is the lack of love the rejection and feeling abandoned by them when they just go off the grid. You have alot of love to give but you deserve it in return. Try not to beat your self up about it all.
And girl I had to turn my ex in and he thanked me for it. Even if yours doesn't. Mabey he will be put in a rehab. But again it won't help unless his real and true. And remeber to try not to listen to the jail talk. Actions speak louder than words. And all his action tell you alot.
Your doing good by keeping him away and staying away. Stay strong girl. Protect yourself and your heart.