Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

sarbear831 · #1 06-03-2012, 10:04 AM

Hi everyone. So I have a question. My son came to me today and told me that his fathers girlfriend hits him(the father). I am not sure if I should believe him or if it is just a 4 year olds imagination. He told me "The last time i was at my dads, Miss hit him and i told her not to hit my dad". Should i worry? Ask his father about it or just let it go? I do not want my son around any type of violence. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

**LeBeau** · #2 06-03-2012, 11:34 AM

That would be a mighty strange thing for him to make up out of the blue, so I'm going to assume that the basic story is true... which still leaves questions, of course, like was she mad and actually hauled off a slapped or punched him or was it playful like his dad make a silly joke and she popped him an "Oh, you're awful" tap on the arm.

I would talk to him a little more and try to get more detail, be careful not to ask leading questions just urge him to tell the whole story, step by step "..and then what happened?" "What did he say/do?"... and then talk to his dad and just let him know that your son was upset by it and you're afraid about the child being confused about how people should treat each other..... then keep a careful eye on how your son feels about visiting and if he seems upset or withdrawn before or after visits.

yourself · #3 06-03-2012, 01:53 PM

Oh, and if she did haul off and hit him, and you talk to Dad, check for signs of domestic violence. If you still have a good relationship with him, you might want to encourage him to get help. Men can be victims, too, and their cycle as victims is just as devastating as it is for women.

Hope it was just a playful tap.

GuerosMama · #4 06-03-2012, 02:09 PM

I would believe him, because as a four year old it doesn't really seem that he would make that up. And I would be concerned, because thats not a good thing for your son to see. I would go directly to his father, and talk to him about it. What else can you do?

Hakimu-Rosetta · #5 06-03-2012, 02:12 PM

Speak with (his father) to get more evidence on what really happen.

I would not want none of my children around violence as well.

sarbear831 · #6 06-03-2012, 02:36 PM

Thank you everyone. I tried to talk to his father this afternoon when i dropped my son off but he didn't have time to talk. I didn't tell him what i wanted to talk about but i just had a question. He said he will call me during the week. Very frustrating because unfortunately we do not really get along. He still resents me for leaving, but i was the victim of emotional abuse in that relationship. Ugh well i will talk to him one day this week and find out what is going on.

DP's Girl · #7 06-03-2012, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeBeau

That would be a mighty strange thing for him to make up out of the blue, so I'm going to assume that the basic story is true... which still leaves questions, of course, like was she mad and actually hauled off a slapped or punched him or was it playful like his dad make a silly joke and she popped him an "Oh, you're awful" tap on the arm.

I would talk to him a little more and try to get more detail, be careful not to ask leading questions just urge him to tell the whole story, step by step "..and then what happened?" "What did he say/do?"... and then talk to his dad and just let him know that your son was upset by it and you're afraid about the child being confused about how people should treat each other..... then keep a careful eye on how your son feels about visiting and if he seems upset or withdrawn before or after visits.

She gave you great advice and I would follow it.

MRS.GRIFFIN · #8 06-03-2012, 05:27 PM

Listen to your son,,,i work with kids,,,trust me, sometimes kids say the darnest things, but why would he say that. Just listen to your son. If yall dont get along ok, but we are here to talk about our son,not us. You are right you really dont want your son growing up, to think its ok for women to hit him. Sending prayers your way for strength.

**nevaeh2morrow** · #9 06-03-2012, 08:31 PM

I agree with everyone else. I would bring it up with your sons father

GuerosMama · #10 06-04-2012, 12:03 AM

If you say the two of you don't get along great, then I would be choosy with my words. Only because, if he is ashamed to admit she hits him, or doesn't feel its your business (although it is, it involves your son.now) he might shut down on you and just deny it even if it is true. In which case Id keep listening to.what your son is saying verbally or.nonverbally about what he sees at daddy's house. Hopefully your ex will be mature and cooperative.

thatwiz · #11 06-04-2012, 06:03 AM

You have to ask the father. A four year old might interpret a playful smack on the butt-as hitting him or many other adult behaviors a child wouldn't understand what the two people are doing. You know him-is it something he would stand for?

sarbear831 · #12 06-04-2012, 07:28 AM

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am going to talk to his father. I don't think it is anything he would stand for, but i would.rather talk to him and know for sure what happened. Bottom line, if it was playing around just be careful around my son. If it was more serious then i do not want my son around that. We will see what happens with this conversation.

nimuay · #13 06-04-2012, 07:33 AM

Before talking to anyone else, your ex included, find a therapist who specializes in children, maybe with a tie-in to dv, and have the questioning of your son done by someone without an ax to grind or a particular viewpoint. It will be best that it be done by an uninterested professional.

InmateLover67 · #14 06-04-2012, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarbear831

Hi everyone. So I have a question. My son came to me today and told me that his fathers girlfriend hits him(the father). I am not sure if I should believe him or if it is just a 4 year olds imagination. He told me "The last time i was at my dads, Miss hit him and i told her not to hit my dad". Should i worry? Ask his father about it or just let it go? I do not want my son around any type of violence. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

In my opinion, when I child expresses something to a parent, it is their responsibility to look into it, to see if there is any truth to what is being said.

You do not have to ask your Son's Dad, but it would be a good idea to ask your Son more questions and see if his stories match up. Has he mentioned this type of thing happening before, or is this the first time he has said something like this? Be aware of any behavior changes in your Son, then if you start to see things that do not seem right, ask his Dad what is going on.

Children should never be brushed under the carpet when they express something disturbing to parents. It is easy to say they are being dishonest, but they should at least be heard and not ignored.

I hope that your Son is not witnessing abuse, and you are able to get to the bottom of this.

Peace~

nimuay · #15 06-04-2012, 10:27 AM

I'm going to say it again - she should not ask more questions of her son or her ex. This muddies the waters terribly - professionals can do far better because they're not giving off emotional vibes while asking.

wickit · #16 06-06-2012, 11:05 PM

Nimuay is absolutely correct! It can be twisted into mom telling the child what to say! I've seen it happen before and it leaves the child unprotected. Please follow her advice!

shanimal35 · #17 07-04-2012, 05:38 AM

I agree.. a four year old probably wouldn't be confused about what he saw or make it up.