Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

MikesWife76 · #1 05-30-2012, 06:05 PM

I think I made a big mistake. I called myself being honest by telling my MWI that someone he knows who was recently incarcerated with now released made a pass at me. I thought if I told him he would know he could trust to always be honest but it made the current situation worst. He was just recently denied parole and I have no intentions of leaving him but he is bugging and accusing something in the 15mths we've been together he has never done. I don't want him stressed how do I fix this?

InmateLover67 · #2 05-30-2012, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikesWife76

I think I made a big mistake. I called myself being honest by telling my MWI that someone he knows who was recently incarcerated with now released made a pass at me. I thought if I told him he would know he could trust to always be honest but it made the current situation worst. He was just recently denied parole and I have no intentions of leaving him but he is bugging and accusing something in the 15mths we've been together he has never done. I don't want him stressed how do I fix this?

You fix it by telling him that you were only being honest with him and you would like to have complete honesty in the relationship. Ask him if he would rather you not tell him stuff?

Hun, there is nothing you can do to make him trust you, that is something that is earned. If he is that insecure about himself and your relationship, then you have to decide if this is how you want to live.

Peace~

ahora2012 · #3 05-30-2012, 07:24 PM

i dont think trust is an earned quality - it has to be freely given and its at that point that it can be broken... you dont go in to a relationship not trusting you go in with the best intentions - otherwise youre doomed - having said that- i have had times when i have been honest with my husband about a situation and had him react - its inevitable,they are in prison behind walls cant see your face thru the phone etc.... only you know the best way to reduce his emotion - or if you dont, then this is a good time to learn him.... reasure , reasure reasure him, encourage him and respect him- allow him to express himself - remind him of the reasons you chose him... even men need that emotional stroking... and if he was denied he is feeling super vulnerable.

NatesGurl · #4 05-30-2012, 07:31 PM

nothing negative if possible :-)

GuerosMama · #5 05-30-2012, 08:22 PM

I don't think its true to not tell him anything negative. Then when he comes home, and things come up, he is going to be like "why didn't you tell me any of this?" Plus, why condition him into thinking everything is peachy keen when it isnt? then one day when you blow up, he's not going to understand where it came from.

I'm all about the honesty. If hes having a shitty day, then I might save it for a day or week, but it always comes out.

And anyways, I dont see why he should be doubting you. My man appreciates it when I tell him if someone said something to me. He doesn't usually get all huffed and puffed about it, says he knows I'm beautiful, and knows that people will say things. but only a couple times has he gotten all fuckin wigged out. Don't stress out abut it. Keep reassuring him, and he'll get over it.

Big boy has to deal with the reality of the situation, not the sugar frosted version of it.

InmateLover67 · #6 05-30-2012, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahora2012

i dont think trust is an earned quality - it has to be freely given and its at that point that it can be broken... you dont go in to a relationship not trusting you go in with the best intentions - otherwise youre doomed - having said that- i have had times when i have been honest with my husband about a situation and had him react - its inevitable,they are in prison behind walls cant see your face thru the phone etc.... only you know the best way to reduce his emotion - or if you dont, then this is a good time to learn him.... reasure , reasure reasure him, encourage him and respect him- allow him to express himself - remind him of the reasons you chose him... even men need that emotional stroking... and if he was denied he is feeling super vulnerable.

I beg to differ, trust is not something you just give to someone.....it comes with getting to know them. I believe when you have lived a while, you understand that you do not trust people right off the bat, it takes time.

How long does she have to reassure him that she loves him? That gets old after a while, either he believes her or he doesn't. If he is that insecure she could reassure him until she is blue in the face and he will still question her.

Peace~

FastCarGirl · #7 05-30-2012, 09:14 PM

Tell him to pull his head out of his ass and be grateful he has a desireable woman that loves him and turned this other dude down flat.

Let him know you want the type of relationship where you both can tell each other and share everything with each other. He chooses to stress himself out over nothing. If he's upset with the other guy for making a pass, he shouldn't be taking it out on you....you did nothing wrong.

I suspect his behavior is more a symptom of the disappointment and fear of loss from being denied parole than a true lack of trust in you, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with and tolerate it and let it put a wedge in your relationship.

lil peep · #8 05-30-2012, 09:38 PM

It's not about keeping things from your guy, it's about learning when to talk about things and when to wait. I tend to dump all the bad crap on my man at once...it's not usually intentional, but it works out that way. And he'll get irritable, but then we talk about it either that day or after he's had time to think. Telling him a guy made a pass at you right after he was denied parole probably wasn't the best time, but it's done. Now all you can do is reassure him you just wanted to be totally honest with him and that you thought this was something he'd want to know. Give him a minute to deal with all of it and I'm sure he'll come around.

We talk about bills, we talk about family, we've dealt with loss and budgeting issues, finding a job, parole board hearings, family stuff...I mean, life isn't easy and why be in a relationship with someone if you can't share the good and bad. His location doesn't change the fact that he wants to be supportive. He wants to be part of our everyday life here. So you can't block them out and you shouldn't hide the bad from them.

ebfisherculp60 · #9 05-30-2012, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahora2012

i dont think trust is an earned quality - it has to be freely given and its at that point that it can be broken... you dont go in to a relationship not trusting you go in with the best intentions - otherwise youre doomed - having said that- i have had times when i have been honest with my husband about a situation and had him react - its inevitable,they are in prison behind walls cant see your face thru the phone etc.... only you know the best way to reduce his emotion - or if you dont, then this is a good time to learn him.... reasure , reasure reasure him, encourage him and respect him- allow him to express himself - remind him of the reasons you chose him... even men need that emotional stroking... and if he was denied he is feeling super vulnerable.

I'm sorry, but it is in my opinion that trust is NOT something you give freely. Trust is earned and can be broken if boundaries are crossed and/or not respected. Before any relationship can even be developed a bond of trust has had to be developed and behind that is where the best intentions fall into place. You can't just give your heart to anyone. You have to protect, care for and love it and only give it to someone that you trust will do the same. I'm just saying....

MikesWife76 · #10 05-30-2012, 10:20 PM

Thanks To all of you for your advice. On our visit Saturday I will have a face to face and I agree I probably should have waited but I thought if I waig he would think I was trying to hide something. Hope you all are around after my visit. Again Thanks

ebfisherculp60 · #11 05-30-2012, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikesWife76

I think I made a big mistake. I called myself being honest by telling my MWI that someone he knows who was recently incarcerated with now released made a pass at me. I thought if I told him he would know he could trust to always be honest but it made the current situation worst. He was just recently denied parole and I have no intentions of leaving him but he is bugging and accusing something in the 15mths we've been together he has never done. I don't want him stressed how do I fix this?

You have to reassure him that you are there for him and want to be with him every step of the way. Let him know that you dont want to hold anything back from him....boyfriends/husbands are supposed to be bestfriends with their women and bestfriends talk about everything. I would hate it (and I'm sure he would also) if he heard from someone else what went down and they probably would have twisted the whole story.

Just Jen · #12 05-30-2012, 10:32 PM

I had a similar situation happen when a guy I used to see just stopped by at my house unannounced. He made it clear he would like to rekindle our old relationship. I told him I was attached. I didn't tell my man right away because I knew it would be something that would get under his skin. However, the guy kept texting me and wouldn't take no for an answer... even ignoring him wasn't getting through. I finally did tell my man, and he was more upset that I didn't tell him right away. The one thing I didn't do was get defensive. I told him that if I was in his position, I would be anxious too. It's hard for our men to face the truth that they are competing with men who are available right now; they can't do the kinds of things they want to do for us, and therefore they wonder what we see in them. A man's desire is to take care of his woman. Any man in prison is going to struggle with the feelings of not being able to do what he was designed to do. The very best you can do is to try to see things through his eyes and assure him that you are faithful and true, assure him that you know he is risking faith in you as much as you are risking faith in him. Trust is a two-way street.

MikesWife76 · #13 05-30-2012, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebfisherculp60

You have to reassure him that you are there for him and want to be with him every step of the way. Let him know that you dont want to hold anything back from him....boyfriends/husbands are supposed to be bestfriends with their women and bestfriends talk about everything. I would hate it (and I'm sure he would also) if he heard from someone else what went down and they probably would have twisted the whole story.

I totally agree. And you know I was like I did not do anything wrong and you know what Man really wants another wouldn't look twice at. Before I cheat being the person that I am now I would just walk away. You all are right I will reassure him that I am here for him. Thanks

MikesWife76 · #14 05-30-2012, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Jen

I had a similar situation happen when a guy I used to see just stopped by at my house unannounced. He made it clear he would like to rekindle our old relationship. I told him I was attached. I didn't tell my man right away because I knew it would be something that would get under his skin. However, the guy kept texting me and wouldn't take no for an answer... even ignoring him wasn't getting through. I finally did tell my man, and he was more upset that I didn't tell him right away. The one thing I didn't do was get defensive. I told him that if I was in his position, I would be anxious too. It's hard for our men to face the truth that they are competing with men who are available right now; they can't do the kinds of things they want to do for us, and therefore they wonder what we see in them. A man's desire is to take care of his woman. Any man in prison is going to struggle with the feelings of not being able to do what he was designed to do. The very best you can do is to try to see things through his eyes and assure him that you are faithful and true, assure him that you know he is risking faith in you as much as you are risking faith in him. Trust is a two-way street.

Thanks You nailed it

dixiebelle1973 · #15 05-30-2012, 10:40 PM

my man asked me to tell him any and everything no matter how petty. He in turns does the same. we talk about whatever is going on. It is hard for them feeling out of touch and out of control.

ebfisherculp60 · #16 05-31-2012, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikesWife76

Thanks To all of you for your advice. On our visit Saturday I will have a face to face and I agree I probably should have waited but I thought if I waig he would think I was trying to hide something. Hope you all are around after my visit. Again Thanks

You are welcome! I think a face to face conversation is best and it will go well, I'm sure of it!! I hope you have a safe trip and please give us an update...Have a good visit

ahora2012 · #17 05-31-2012, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InmateLover67

I beg to differ, trust is not something you just give to someone.....it comes with getting to know them. I believe when you have lived a while, you understand that you do not trust people right off the bat, it takes time.

How long does she have to reassure him that she loves him? That gets old after a while, either he believes her or he doesn't. If he is that insecure she could reassure him until she is blue in the face and he will still question her.

Peace~

its ok that you don’t agree with my perspective - and trust me i have lived- its love - you should never get tired of telling the person they are the one and that you love them - love is not a feeling its an action and each of us require different actions that express or receive that - and huge point to be acknowledge- the man was just denied parole. sensitivity goes a long way in a loving committed partnership.

tabathapope1 · #18 05-31-2012, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahora2012

its ok that you don’t agree with my perspective - and trust me i have lived- its love - you should never get tired of telling the person they are the one and that you love them - love is not a feeling its an action and each of us require different actions that express or receive that - and huge point to be acknowledge- the man was just denied parole. sensitivity goes a long way in a loving committed partnership.

I tell my man I love him all the time.I tell him everyday and he tells me everyday.some days I need to hear that more than others and so does he. But I want him to know that everyday I am thinking about him and I am loving him

ilovecoffee · #19 06-01-2012, 03:45 PM

Nothing overly exciting happens in my life. What does happen I tell him. I even told him that I tell him everything big or small. I like to have him involved. I am sure he will straighten out his mind in a few days.

ahora2012 · #20 06-01-2012, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tabathapope1

I tell my man I love him all the time.I tell him everyday and he tells me everyday.some days I need to hear that more than others and so does he. But I want him to know that everyday I am thinking about him and I am loving him

me too! 100 % agree. there is nothing better then knowing there is another person in the big world who loves you - its priceless and precious!!

BrandonsBabe · #21 06-05-2012, 09:02 AM

I'm lucky that my boyfriend has never acted like that, but he does get uncomfortable when I tell him I'm hanging out with certain people, and such (Usually males.). We've talked about it, and he knows that I have male friends, and that isn't going to change, and he's okay with that, but at the same time, he hates the idea of guys being able to see me when HE can't. I've always told him that I tell him everything so if he ever asks "So, what did you do last night," in an innocent matter, of course, I don't have to tell him then that I chilled with a guy friend. We all know that if you DON'T tell him, he's going to wonder why I didn't just tell him to begin with. It's almost a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sort of situation.
Talk to him, ask him if he even wants to know these things, or if it'll just make matters worse for him.

~Christina~ · #22 06-05-2012, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebfisherculp60

I'm sorry, but it is in my opinion that trust is NOT something you give freely. Trust is earned and can be broken if boundaries are crossed and/or not respected. Before any relationship can even be developed a bond of trust has had to be developed and behind that is where the best intentions fall into place. You can't just give your heart to anyone. You have to protect, care for and love it and only give it to someone that you trust will do the same. I'm just saying....

right,and some things i feel just should not tell your man that's in prison.such as when another man flirts with you or ask you out. what good can it do and really that is only going to make his time harder,and to be honest it smacks of wanting attention.

SexyChef1 · #23 06-06-2012, 05:43 PM

Keep us posted on the outcome. Ive learned to keep some thing to myself esp in his currect situation, theres nothing he can do but stress over the situation. Ole Man doesnt need to know nor does he care to know everytimes some dude hits on me, Im sure you handled the guy.

GraceNhope26 · #24 06-07-2012, 12:24 PM

I don't tell him if ex hit on me, or if they pop up at my house or if other ppl try to get with me. I deny them, I tell them I am in a relationship and I move forward. My guy can't do anything about it, and it would just upset him. I don't think its fair to tell them that stuff in my opinion cuz it just gives them more crap to worry about and get insecure. I haven't told him and its happened with ex's, random guys, other inmates, and a cousin of his. I dismiss them and keep it pushin.