Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

usednabused · #1 05-02-2012, 01:24 PM

Hello everyone,

I have a question, is it normal for abusers to deny their abuse in your face??

My abused most of the time, after he abused me, would say "i did not do anything" or "what are you talking about" or he would act as if I was the abuser. The last time we had an argument he was sitting in the bed while I was standing with my arms crossed and he said "If you hit me I will call the police" I was shocked because the idea of hitting him never accured to me. This would drive me crazy and sometimes I thought that I was imagining things. No that we are separated I ask my self if it really happened or if it was my imagination?

I know I have pictures with bruises but it all seems like a bad dream.

InmateLover67 · #2 05-02-2012, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by usednabused

Hello everyone,

I have a question, is it normal for abusers to deny their abuse in your face??

My abused most of the time, after he abused me, would say "i did not do anything" or "what are you talking about" or he would act as if I was the abuser. The last time we had an argument he was sitting in the bed while I was standing with my arms crossed and he said "If you hit me I will call the police" I was shocked because the idea of hitting him never accured to me. This would drive me crazy and sometimes I thought that I was imagining things. No that we are separated I ask my self if it really happened or if it was my imagination?

I know I have pictures with bruises but it all seems like a bad dream.

Absolutely! They are the victim and you made them do what they did.

Part of the sickness.

Peace~

**LeBeau** · #3 05-02-2012, 01:38 PM

Yes, it is normal- not "usual" but normal for them to deny any wrong act.
Much more common is minimizing (I never hit you! It was only a slap/shove!) and blaming (Well, if you didn't_____, I wouldn't have gotten so mad.) but, yes, some do simply pretend, maybe even believe, that they really never did anything at all.

usednabused · #4 05-02-2012, 01:38 PM

This is driving me crazy, now people think I am insane. What can I do??

Momma Ann · #5 05-02-2012, 01:40 PM

leave --get away--and do not worry what others think. Take care of you. Get some help from a local DV shelter or counselling agency.

Mandamck · #6 05-02-2012, 01:48 PM

Clearly your abuser is a master manipulater. There is nothing wrong with you. Do not let others convince you there is somethng wrong with you!

Olderthanmost · #7 05-02-2012, 01:59 PM

I kept waiting for the sisters to respond! I knew they would! Who is "everybody" who thinks you are insane? "Everybody" doesn't think that! We don't! Please go back and read alot of the DV posts. You will learn alot. You are going to win this battle. You already see it for what it is. These ladies on PTO will walk you thru it and you will be fine! At least you know now, what he is doing! Stay in touch! Even if the advice that you get is kinda hard to accept sometimes, hang in there. Everyone wants to see you make it thru this. You will!

usednabused · #8 05-02-2012, 02:15 PM

I started talking about the abuse to people because I had decided not to cover it anymore. At first it was hard for some of my friends to believe it because my soon to be ex-husband is a "very nice" person (needless to say, a master manipulator). A few days later after I said that I was Domestic Violence survivor he started changing the story around and people, even some friends think that I am exagerating or liying.

I guess I should have said anything

nimuay · #9 05-02-2012, 02:15 PM

Sweetie, it's common, and it's called "crazy-making". Or go look up gas-lighting. Common enough that doubting your sanity is incredibly common among abused people. My son was (only)verbally abused, and when I pointed it out to him he couldn't even recognize it. He said "It just rolls off". Then, once he got away from her, his anger at all the nasty, belittling things she had said - to him and to others about him - was so vast he was almost out of control. It took everything he had to get back on an even keel and remember that he was a good person, a person worthy of love, affection and affirmation.

That was just verbal abuse . . . when you get to physical abuse, he is denying you the reality of your experience, and that starts to make you go crazy trying to match what you feel to what he says.

The best thing to do is get out. You can do that, and then get your feet back under you and have your own feelings and experiences that nobody can deny. It doesn't matter if his family or your friends or the local church think you're crazy, getting out will prove to you [TO YOU is all that's important] that you are real and sane and will be OK.

Olderthanmost · #10 05-02-2012, 02:21 PM

Nim will tell you things to help you! Listen to her! YOU are the main player in this! Those other people who can't or won't believe you are not important! This is about you. Let him go! If you have to...let them go! Make this personal! Y-O-U! You are in healing mode now! Keep reading what your friends on here will tell you!

**frostwoman1954** · #11 05-02-2012, 04:37 PM

Darlin',

What these women are telling you is the truth. If you don't know the number of the nearest shelter is, call 800-799-7233. They can and will help you.

Michele

Ashmari3 · #12 05-02-2012, 04:53 PM

Yep it happens. My kids dad used to do it all the time. Once after he head butted me in the face and ripped my shirt off of me i started screaming and told him i was calling the cops. He stod right in front of me and started punching himself in the face then told me i hit him and said he never hit me. He still denied it and still saod i hit him later and that was 4 yrs ago.

InmateLover67 · #13 05-02-2012, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by usednabused

This is driving me crazy, now people think I am insane. What can I do??

Get the hell away from him! That is what you can and should do. It will only get worse.

Contact a DV shelter and start a safe escape route and rid yourself of this guy.

People think you are insane, because they see things you are not seeing and they care about you.

Peace~

Klewis · #14 05-02-2012, 06:15 PM

I apologize I did not read everyone's response so excuse me if I repeat something but your question made me laugh not in a good way because my answer is hell yes, because in their eyes its not abuse because they feel you gave them a reason. Even though I now know their lack of control is the only reason they have to resort to hitting a woman. My X husband had the audacity to tell me I ran him away. Like what do he think he was to keep around. Then what I noticed about some people that abuse people like my X husband and my sister is they only know what abuse is when it is being done to them, they love being the victim all the time. My X husband made himself believe that he was not to be blamed for his actions because his mom abused him as a child. My sister she expects everyone to love her and treat her right but she treats her daughter like crap. Thats why I just can not be with anyone with these problems no more because its a real deep issue that I am not equipped to fix because you have to realize you have a problem before you can figure out how to get help to fix it and most abusers don't think they are the one with the problem it is you.

countryzgirl · #15 05-02-2012, 06:58 PM

What your experiencing sounds like a combination of denial, disassociation from prolonged severe emotional/physical trauma plus the work of a master manipulator (Google Gaslighting). IOW it is a very big sign that you MUST GET OUT!
Please pay attention to what your body and mind are doing and telling you. Please.

wickit · #16 05-02-2012, 09:20 PM

You deserve so much more than this! Once you leave your mind will become more clear and you will begin to understand what everyone here has been saying. It will also help you see what you didn't see. Take care of yourself!

usednabused · #17 05-02-2012, 09:47 PM

Thank you everyone... I actually don't live with him any more. I AM OUT FOR GOOD!!! He is just running his mouth trying to team up with people against me (my guess is to prove that I am the crazy one and believe me, he can drive me nuts). He knows how to control people, he is a master at it.

I am prying to stay strong and I will be here every day looking for your support.

Olderthanmost · #18 05-02-2012, 09:59 PM

Good deal! I will be looking for you every day!

There is always someone on here. Some are night owls like me and come on here during the night!

Join in any time!

Ashmari3 · #19 05-03-2012, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by usednabused

Thank you everyone... I actually don't live with him any more. I AM OUT FOR GOOD!!! He is just running his mouth trying to team up with people against me (my guess is to prove that I am the crazy one and believe me, he can drive me nuts). He knows how to control people, he is a master at it.

I am prying to stay strong and I will be here every day looking for your support.

Good and we will be here to support you

usednabused · #20 05-10-2012, 11:41 AM

I was just carefully reading an article about gas lighting, I had never heard of it. This is exactly what my ex was doing to me.
When I was with him I would suddenly have the need to record our fights or call my secretly calling my friends so they could listen to the arguments because once the fight was over he would tell me "I did not do anything, you are crazy. Prove it", "I did not say that", or just tell me lies when I already knew the truth and there was no power in this earth to make him admit what he did.
For instance, he would go out and not take me even if I wanted to go (I looove going out to dance), then he would tell me in front of his friends that I did not want to go out with them for whatever reason. He would make up conversations that "we had" in which I had "told him" I did not want to go.... He was so sure of these conversations that it would always make me doubt of myself and my memory.

nimuay · #21 05-10-2012, 12:28 PM

Good! Now that you know it's not you, you can really start getting on with your life! I never doubted my own sanity, but always wondered what kind of mentality he had that could forget every important thing I ever said but remember every imaginary glance I gave to someone else . . .

bricesPnut · #22 05-10-2012, 04:26 PM

Wow his treat is make me clearly that IM NOT CRAZY OR CAUSE THE FIGHT!.... I have read all comment and is something that he think that he's not wrong AT ALL AND NEVER WILL!!! One time He's punch right on my finger and it was broke which I think he's sorry but when we fought he bring that up and said" YEAH UR SO STUBBORN THATS WHY YOU BORKE UR OWN FINGER"......EXCUSEME!!!!!!...... And another fight he yelling at me"OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO VIOLENCE!!! After he pushing me around and dragging me on the floor. I was like WTF!!!!

I have never post my own story. But I look through all the treat that ppl have pose.its really open my eyes.and I think" IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RRRRUUUUUUUUNNNN.!!!!!!

usednabused · #23 05-10-2012, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bricesPnut

Wow his treat is make me clearly that IM NOT CRAZY OR CAUSE THE FIGHT!.... I have read all comment and is something that he think that he's not wrong AT ALL AND NEVER WILL!!! One time He's punch right on my finger and it was broke which I think he's sorry but when we fought he bring that up and said" YEAH UR SO STUBBORN THATS WHY YOU BORKE UR OWN FINGER"......EXCUSEME!!!!!!...... And another fight he yelling at me"OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO VIOLENCE!!! After he pushing me around and dragging me on the floor. I was like WTF!!!!

I have never post my own story. But I look through all the treat that ppl have pose.its really open my eyes.and I think" IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RRRRUUUUUUUUNNNN.!!!!!!

You should definetely RUUUN!!!!

Believe me that even though I feel that I still love him and I still fantasize that things had happened diferently, I am better off by myself.

I still can figure out what exactly is that he felf about me or how much I meant to him. The things he said and did... From "lets be roomates for some time and see what happens" to "You are my world".

When I feel weak, I read this and other of my posts and my story I wrote in paper, it makes me come back to reality.

Good Luck!!!

luckykj · #24 06-10-2012, 04:00 PM

It can be hard! I was in an abusive relationship when I was just 18 and in college. It was fairly easy for him to make me feel like I was the one that was nuts. When I found myself in a second abusive relationship was only a couple of yrs ago (I am now 36) and THANKFULLY it didn't take me QUITE as long to see the signs! It did take us BOTH spending a night in jail however! I didn't mind so much as this time I decided to defend myself (even though I probably shouldn't have used a 2X4)!

Yes, they will try to make YOU feel like YOU are the one who did something wrong EVERYTIME! I would suggest getting some kind of counseling though because these feelings can fester like you wouldn't believe! That led me into even more problems! Whatever you are feeling, you NEED to talk to someone about it that can really help you!

Good luck! I wish you the very best!