Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

used2Bfriendly · #1 06-14-2012, 08:15 PM

I've been lurking here for over three years. I finally left my abuser after he slammed me against the wall and picked me up by my throat and threw me against the wall mind you I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and it caused me to go into labor. Thankfully my son was born healthy and unharmed.

My ex is now in prison until at least April 2013 but because I didn't leave the relationship faster CPS got involved and my newborn son and my three other children were removed from me and in foster care for ten months. Thankfully after he was sent to prison my kids were reunited with me.

However, we are still going through the legal process due to the dependency and his parental rights were severed and he is appealing the ruling. We have court tomorrow and I'm having extreme anxiety. I haven't had to face him in over eight months (as he was stalking me before we was incarcerated) and I'm soooooo scared, I've stayed strong this whole time but now I'm falling apart.

For anyone whose had to face their abuser in court what did you do to "keep it together"? I don't want him to see me go into pieces. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he still can have that effect on me. Please help.

**frostwoman1954** · #2 06-14-2012, 08:41 PM

Darlin', I want you to look at each of your babies and do what's necessary - Protect them as a mother should. you don't have to look at him in court. Look at someone in the observer's seat. I suggest a female. Do not show fear. If you need someone to give you permission, you have it from me. Protect yourself and you babies. Now, say a prayer and kiss them good nite.

Remember, it's OK to be angry, keep calm because guess what? He doesn't have you under his thumb.

Michele

wickit · #3 06-14-2012, 08:56 PM

I can only imagine how you feel, I haven't had to go that however there are others here who have! Remember you are protected and watched closely while you are there. He won't be able to physically get to you or touch you. If you happen to make eye contact with him remember he's the one in the hot seat and you are the one who is now in control! Use that as your strength, think of your babies and know I am right there with you! Stay strong! Hugs and prayers coming your way!

yourself · #4 06-14-2012, 10:54 PM

look at the person asking you the question or the judge (his attorney may position himself so that you have to see your ex - just look at the judge).

if you have to take a break, take a break. The judge will understand. If you tell the judge you're scared, the judge will understand. Judges know how difficult this stuff is. They are not your enemy in all of this.

Dress comfortably - nice, but comfortable.

take a breath before answering a question. Remember, "I don't know" and "I don't remember" are legitimate answers.

Make sure you have a friend with you. S/he may not be able to come in with you, but it helps to have somebody to hold your hand, or give you a hug before and after you testify.

If you have a talisman of some sort, a small thing that has significant meaning to you that gives you strength, take it along. Keep it in your pocket where you can squeeze it when you need to. I have my granddad's pocket watch - the weight of it in my pocket, and the familiar feel of it always helps me. It's like my granddad, all calm and warm and encouraging is with me, and every time I squeeze that pocket watch, I'm reminded of that. It helps to make me feel grounded and calm.

You can do it. Lots of other people have done it. There's yet to be a credible report of somebody actually bursting into flame or dissolving into a puddle of mush on the witness stand. Remember to breathe. Others have done it, and so can you.

Also, look at the bailiffs. They are there to prevent him from doing anything. Ignore him. Answer the questions. If you need a break, ask for a break. You'll be fine. Let us know how it goes.

nimuay · #5 06-15-2012, 03:29 AM

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=516230

That thread has the specifics on testifying in court. Yourself has basically the same answer there that she gave here, and others have informative bits in there as well. Read it all, then read it again. Anchor it in your mind, print it out to take with you.

You'll be fine.

Good luck!

mg113 · #6 06-15-2012, 09:44 AM

I had to go to court to face the guy that attacked me, I didnt think i could do it, but I did. When I went to court there was a womans advocate there who sat with me and held my hand I had to sit outside the court room when others were testifying, his friends and family were out there as well ( his mother was a witness) that was the hardest part for me, but the advocate stayed with me the whole time and her being there helped alot.

When I was in court and testifying I just wouldnt look at him.. when his lawyer questioned me I just looked at her not him.

Its not easy but you can do it, after it was over I was really relieved that I got to tell my side of what happened.......I did have to take quite a few breaks during testimony and the court allowed me to do that when I needed to

Good Luck......... remember YOU DID NOTHING WRONG... and dont let anyone tell you any different

Sunflower · #7 06-15-2012, 09:32 PM

I have been in your shoes many times. Even after he wrote me and told me he had razor blades and they found them on him. He would bang his cuffs on the table, give me awful looks and he said some pretty horrid things.
But this is the man that tried to kill me and my child, just like yours. You were pregnant with his child and he hurt you.
I *ALWAYS* (i have been to court many times, and PRAISE GOD he will be in prison for 20+ years for what he did to me) take a picture of my son. I bring it with me on the stand and if I start to break down I just ask for a break. I stare at the pic of my son and know im doing this for him.
I REFUSE to let him see me loose it, I stay strong. Afterwards is another story, but I always only have a few minutes before I have to rush to the daycare to get my children from daycare. But sometimes im numb, shocked, p*ssed, or even amused. And I take a few minutes for me then pull myself back together and go into mommy mode.
The court system is the worst, at times you will feel he has more rights than you, please dont give up. Its a hard battle, but hopefully you have a victims advocate? I will keep you in my prayers!!!

only1love · #8 06-16-2012, 04:33 PM

The laws were practically non-existent when I went through this- yet the judge was very kind and I got through it by focusing on the judge and maintaining eye contact with the judge. You can do it. I know you can.

photoholic808 · #9 06-18-2012, 10:52 AM

I kno it is not easy but you will be in a court full of people so he won't try anything but to be charming, I went through the first time I faced my abuser in court I was crying shaking I couldn't breathe, The next time I was like screw this I looked forward said my facts and got a lot further in what I needed to say. When going through this the judges don't know you or him, a good portion of what gets accomplished is speaking facts and getting them across. I wish you luck. I know it is not easy but keep your head up and stay strong. Sending you strength and prayers

mridgeman · #10 06-18-2012, 01:12 PM

Get MAD!! You didn't deserve any of this and now it is time to find that anger and direct it where it belongs. AT HIM! You sit there with pride. Once you face him you will feel so much better. Tell the whole truth and do not give him any way out. He needs to own his actions. Let him be well aware that you own your actions and are moving on with your kids. He needs to be the mad. It is hard, it is scary but you can do it. Let your kids know this is not a way to live and they will never have to deal with this. After 18 years I am still afraid. My kids are great. One married to a wonderful man both have college degrees and my youngest is in college majoring in Biology!! Nothing is going to stop them!! Good luck you can do it and hold that head up high!!