Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

GermanGirl_28 · #51 06-19-2012, 12:49 AM

It's been a week and he hasn't written back, at least not through email. If he is sending a letter is should get here this week.

Yesterday I got an email from his sister in law asking me if I have heard from him lately. We only contact each other when it has been a long time (maybe 5-7 days or longer) that we haven't heard from him. She said that he doesn't answer her emails and obviously they haven't talked on the phone. She also said that she called the prison to check on him and they said he was fine. He hasn't told his family that he ended things with me, so I am not sure what to do... I think I am gonna try to talk to his sister in law on the phone and see if she has any idea what is going on with him.

OnTheMissions · #52 06-19-2012, 08:06 AM

Hi, German Girl...

You've asked if any of us here thought he loved you enough to write you back. I don't know exactly what you actually wrote (I can imagine it's heart-felt and sincere), but his letter to you was in fact filled with love and with what he thought was the selfless love that he had/has/will continue to have for you. Please don't think for a second that just because he hasn't written back to you means that he no longer loves you. You may or may not hear from him, but I believe that he does love you (and I'm sure you truly know this in your heart, or otherwise, you wouldn't be fighting for what you believe you've shared with him). It seems very likely that something is going on on his end. Hang in there, girl...

**pj663** · #53 06-19-2012, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

How can you be so sure of that? Why does he get the right to decide about my life? This is my life, too, and I should have a say who I love and who o spend my life with, shouldn't I?

It's not so much as him decideing your life sweetie. He has 20 years by the time he is released you will be 49 years old and he will be 52. I'm sure you would like to have children? Or maybe not? Maybe he is considering the distance you being in another country is a huge diffrence. You mention financial difficulties and with him being a man that proabley weighed on his mind. I still say that he should have thought about this before bringing you into his life however he didnt. He could have at least allowed you that final visit to give you closure. I think that he just trying to give you the chance at a better life. If you dont hear from him within the next few weeks then you will have your answer. I hope from there you will try to move forward. Did he show signs of possibley being involved with someone else?

GermanGirl_28 · #54 06-19-2012, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pj663

It's not so much as him decideing your life sweetie. He has 20 years by the time he is released you will be 49 years old and he will be 52. I'm sure you would like to have children? Or maybe not? Maybe he is considering the distance you being in another country is a huge diffrence. You mention financial difficulties and with him being a man that proabley weighed on his mind. I still say that he should have thought about this before bringing you into his life however he didnt. He could have at least allowed you that final visit to give you closure. I think that he just trying to give you the chance at a better life. If you dont hear from him within the next few weeks then you will have your answer. I hope from there you will try to move forward. Did he show signs of possibley being involved with someone else?

No, no signs whatsoever of him being involved with someone else. He was always honest with me. In a way I keep thinking that if he had simply fallen out of love with me, he would have said so. That is the only reason I would accept for breaking up with me. But I didn't say that in my letter to him, because I didn't want to put the words in his mouth and have him lie to me to make me go away...

GermanGirl_28 · #55 06-19-2012, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OnTheMissions

Hi, German Girl...

You've asked if any of us here thought he loved you enough to write you back. I don't know exactly what you actually wrote (I can imagine it's heart-felt and sincere), but his letter to you was in fact filled with love and with what he thought was the selfless love that he had/has/will continue to have for you. Please don't think for a second that just because he hasn't written back to you means that he no longer loves you. You may or may not hear from him, but I believe that he does love you (and I'm sure you truly know this in your heart, or otherwise, you wouldn't be fighting for what you believe you've shared with him). It seems very likely that something is going on on his end. Hang in there, girl...

So, here is an update... He sent a letter to his brother and sister in law saying that he got in trouble for having alcohol. 90 days without email, phone or visits. I don't know when it happened, but even if it happened 4 weeks ago (the day he sent his email) our much anticipated visit would not have been able to materialize. And he knows how much it meant to me to see him again after such a long time. This is all so messed up. What is he doing to himself? He knows better? Why is he destroying the few good things in his life?

Miscues · #56 06-19-2012, 03:55 PM

I just read through this entire thread and my heart goes out to you.

I work with good people who make bad choices. Their intent is often clear cut and so is the path but, somewhere along the way, the perception of reality becomes very depressing and more bad choices are made because everything seems (albeit for a moment) so bleak. I couldn't imagine staying strong every day for 20 years knowing there are loved ones waiting, could you? Maybe this was one of those and, in helplessness at the reality of his situation, he did what he thought was right and shut everyone out so he could focus on life in prison. ?

All the best.

ahora2012 · #57 06-19-2012, 04:45 PM

german girl - you need to go talk to a professional - i suggest it all the time on here - and the reason is this - they are a third party - they see things we dont - they can /should help you come to a decision on your own so that you can ore not own it - you are not owning your life- he is - you are not his savior, you can not keep him from making mistakes - he has said what he wants and it is not easy to hear - rejection hurts!!!!!! but you have to know that you are worth more. dont be the girl being dragged thru dirt as you hold onto his ankles begging him no to leave you - i have been that - its embarassing, degrading and in the end they leave - there is a man who will love you and stay not bc you beg them but bc they want to!
youre awesome, strong and powerful and loved by god. dont settle!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OnTheMissions · #58 06-19-2012, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

So, here is an update... He sent a letter to his brother and sister in law saying that he got in trouble for having alcohol. 90 days without email, phone or visits. I don't know when it happened, but even if it happened 4 weeks ago (the day he sent his email) our much anticipated visit would not have been able to materialize. And he knows how much it meant to me to see him again after such a long time. This is all so messed up. What is he doing to himself? He knows better? Why is he destroying the few good things in his life?

Only you and he know what you two have shared, but he might have gotten into trouble purposefully so he could justify not being able to see you. There is probably something going on that he is not ready to tell you yet. You sound to be in tune with him, and maybe, you already know the reason(s). I say this, based on some of your posts.

I always admire mine for his strength to stay positive, and I don't know if I would be strong enough to go through what he goes through everyday without going crazy.

I'm not encouraging you to have false hope, but it can be a phase (or a breaking point) that your man may be going through. It may as well be something he has made up his mind about. It's your life, GermanGirl. You sound like an intelligent, determined, and self-disciplined individual, and do what you think is right for you, so that you won't look back later on in your life pondering what you could've done instead. It may take a while for you to decide what you want to do, but the time you spend thinking over is not a waste of time. This way, whatever the outcome may be, you'll have no regrets.

Good luck and keep me posted...

GermanGirl_28 · #59 06-19-2012, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahora2012

german girl - you need to go talk to a professional - i suggest it all the time on here - and the reason is this - they are a third party - they see things we dont - they can /should help you come to a decision on your own so that you can ore not own it - you are not owning your life- he is - you are not his savior, you can not keep him from making mistakes - he has said what he wants and it is not easy to hear - rejection hurts!!!!!! but you have to know that you are worth more. dont be the girl being dragged thru dirt as you hold onto his ankles begging him no to leave you - i have been that - its embarassing, degrading and in the end they leave - there is a man who will love you and stay not bc you beg them but bc they want to!
youre awesome, strong and powerful and loved by god. dont settle!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know... Through all of this I never once thought about begging and pleading with him to not leave me or take it all back. In my letter to him I tried to convince him of the fact that I can make my own choices and that he doesn't need to feel guilty for the things I give to him freely. I love this man with all my heart and soul, but even with him I am not going to beg for him to take me back if he doesn't want me. However, that doesn't mean that he can simply disappear completely. Right now it's like he died and that is killing me...

GermanGirl_28 · #60 06-19-2012, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miscues

I just read through this entire thread and my heart goes out to you.

I work with good people who make bad choices. Their intent is often clear cut and so is the path but, somewhere along the way, the perception of reality becomes very depressing and more bad choices are made because everything seems (albeit for a moment) so bleak. I couldn't imagine staying strong every day for 20 years knowing there are loved ones waiting, could you? Maybe this was one of those and, in helplessness at the reality of his situation, he did what he thought was right and shut everyone out so he could focus on life in prison. ?

All the best.

Thank you for reading and posting your thoughts. What you said makes a lot of sense to me... Maybe that's what he is doing...?!

GermanGirl_28 · #61 06-19-2012, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OnTheMissions

Only you and he know what you two have shared, but he might have gotten into trouble purposefully so he could justify not being able to see you. There is probably something going on that he is not ready to tell you yet. You sound to be in tune with him, and maybe, you already know the reason(s). I say this, based on some of your posts.

I always admire mine for his strength to stay positive, and I don't know if I would be strong enough to go through what he goes through everyday without going crazy.

I'm not encouraging you to have false hope, but it can be a phase (or a breaking point) that your man may be going through. It may as well be something he has made up his mind about. It's your life, GermanGirl. You sound like an intelligent, determined, and self-disciplined individual, and do what you think is right for you, so that you won't look back later on in your life pondering what you could've done instead. It may take a while for you to decide what you want to do, but the time you spend thinking over is not a waste of time. This way, whatever the outcome may be, you'll have no regrets.

Good luck and keep me posted...

I just wanted to briefly comment on what you said about him getting himself in trouble on purpose. His mom was going to bring his daughter for a visit in July and he hasn't seen her in like almost 3 years. There is no way he would mess that up on purpose. Drowning his sorrow would be a more likely scenario and I am not saying that to flatter myself. If you guys knew how much my heart aches for him...

**pj663** · #62 06-20-2012, 10:50 AM

One comment,

He took out the time to write his brother and sister-inlaw regarding being in the hole yet he didnt respond to your letter? The only thing I can say is if you really want to reach out to him see if you can write him letting him know that you know about the situation of being in the hole. If he fail to respond to you again then you will have your answer that he want you to let him go.

Jootje · #63 06-20-2012, 12:31 PM

I have been following your thread but did not react yet since to tell you the truth I would have no idea what I would do if I were in your shoes. But just as pj663 said, it also crossed my mind that he did write his brother but did not respond to your letter but on the other hand letters can sometimes take longer across the ocean plus that it may take him longer to write you a letter than for him to write his brother a quick note that he got in trouble.

I have been wondering though if you are, in the meantime, moving on. Are your ready to expect the worse while hoping for the best. no matter how down to earth I am, I am always rooting for a loveydovey ending and I do not want to crush your hopes but just saying that, no matter how hard and hurtfull and no matter how many more tears you will shed, try to move forward, slowly healing day by day. Because in my opinion, even if he writes you back that "yeah he is not in the position to make decisions for you so lets start where we left off" it will take time for you to heal from the pain he has caused, no matter what the outcome.

I do hope that whatever happends, he will write you back.

ahora2012 · #64 06-20-2012, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

You know... Through all of this I never once thought about begging and pleading with him to not leave me or take it all back. In my letter to him I tried to convince him of the fact that I can make my own choices and that he doesn't need to feel guilty for the things I give to him freely. I love this man with all my heart and soul, but even with him I am not going to beg for him to take me back if he doesn't want me. However, that doesn't mean that he can simply disappear completely. Right now it's like he died and that is killing me...

a break up is a death - and i am sorry for your heartache - its terrible.
but isnt he saying what he wants - and youre not allowing him to have that expressed freely? im just saying, you posted his letter here - you have gotten the best unbiased advice from strangers but you keep debating the issue - and we all do and have done it - the heart wants what it wants. i just hate to see any girl, sacraficing their life for someone who say "im out"
im not judgeing - i feel you and i feel for you.

b_ambuehl · #65 06-21-2012, 02:58 AM

From a man's perspective, if you really want him you need to put your big girl panties on, write him again and tell him this is bullsh*t, you're a big girl and can make your own choices, and he needs to stop this nonsense of ignoring you etc.

GermanGirl_28 · #66 06-21-2012, 04:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by b_ambuehl

From a man's perspective, if you really want him you need to put your big girl panties on, write him again and tell him this is bullsh*t, you're a big girl and can make your own choices, and he needs to stop this nonsense of ignoring you etc.

Thanks for your post. I am thinking that he needs to get his head on right again. There has been some other stuff happening. I have been in touch with his sister-in-law and he is acting very weird. He told them that he got in trouble and has no phone, email and visits for 90 days, but I called the prison last night and he is in his unit and doing perfectly fine. So why is he lying to his family? Why would he not want to see his daughter? He also sent his sister-in-law all the money he had left. Why would he do that? I was the only one who ever sent him any money to support him and now he doesn't have any money anymore and none coming from anywhere either! I wish I knew what the hell is going on with him. This is all so out of character for him! I am gonna call the prison again today to speak to a counselor of his unit. Maybe they can shed some light on all of this!

GermanGirl_28 · #67 06-21-2012, 04:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahora2012

a break up is a death - and i am sorry for your heartache - its terrible.
but isnt he saying what he wants - and youre not allowing him to have that expressed freely? im just saying, you posted his letter here - you have gotten the best unbiased advice from strangers but you keep debating the issue - and we all do and have done it - the heart wants what it wants. i just hate to see any girl, sacraficing their life for someone who say "im out"
im not judgeing - i feel you and i feel for you.

I am sorry that it seems to bother you that I keep debating this issue. But this is my life and he was part of it up until a few weeks ago. I am not just gonna give up without answers. I am on here, bc it helps me to cope and it helps me to see things from a different perspective and consider different opinions. I need the support of all you ladies. I am sorry if it bothers you...

nimuay · #68 06-21-2012, 05:23 AM

There is something well-known among inmates - it's much harder to do your time when you have to keep dealing with the outside. If they can build a way of living inside, then the time just goes by. If they deal with the outside then they're whiplashed back and forth. Some don't handle it well.

**Nieves915** · #69 06-21-2012, 07:10 AM

It took alot of courage for him to write that letter. Its obvious that he loves you and only wants the best for you. Thats admirable.... Im really sorry that your hurting so badly. A letter like that from my husband would crush me,,, but your in the right place for support.... Im really sorry but sounds like he truly does want something so much better for you than what he thinks he can give, That is very selfless!!!!

**pj663** · #70 06-21-2012, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

Thanks for your post. I am thinking that he needs to get his head on right again. There has been some other stuff happening. I have been in touch with his sister-in-law and he is acting very weird. He told them that he got in trouble and has no phone, email and visits for 90 days, but I called the prison last night and he is in his unit and doing perfectly fine. So why is he lying to his family? Why would he not want to see his daughter? He also sent his sister-in-law all the money he had left. Why would he do that? I was the only one who ever sent him any money to support him and now he doesn't have any money anymore and none coming from anywhere either! I wish I knew what the hell is going on with him. This is all so out of character for him! I am gonna call the prison again today to speak to a counselor of his unit. Maybe they can shed some light on all of this!

I doubt that the counselor will really tell you anything being that you are not his immediate family or wife. Maybe at the time when his sister heard from him he was in the hole but now he's released with no visits, phone or email. That is odd that he would take the money that you sent him and give it to his sister-inlaw why not forward the money back to you? Did they need it? How do you know that no money is coming from anywhere else? Are you able to check that? Things that make you go hummmmm..........

GermanGirl_28 · #71 06-21-2012, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pj663

I doubt that the counselor will really tell you anything being that you are not his immediate family or wife. Maybe at the time when his sister heard from him he was in the hole but now he's released with no visits, phone or email. That is odd that he would take the money that you sent him and give it to his sister-inlaw why not forward the money back to you? Did they need it? How do you know that no money is coming from anywhere else? Are you able to check that? Things that make you go hummmmm..........

This is a never ending story that only seems to get worse.

Here is today's update and anybody who has any experience regarding this or any meaningful insight is very welcome to share it with me. I called the prison and requested to talk to his counselor. They connected me and the lady that was on the phone was exceptionally nice. I asked her if there is any way she could let me know if I would be able to visit him this next weekend and if she would be able to check if I am still on his visitor's list. She said that the list is the inmate's responsibility and only he would be able to tell me. So far, so good. Then I asked her if he can have visitors and she confirmed that he is fine and walking around the unit. No restrictions whatsoever. He was definitely lying about that. I actually kept talking to the counselor for quite a while and explained to her a little bit how he has been behaving very strange lately... breaking up with me, sending all of his money to his sister-in-law, lying about his restrictions, not wanting to see his daughter after almost 3 years... all this stuff and she was very nice about it. She told me that he has been hanging out with white gang members of DMI and she said that this might be some kind of initiation thing. To be honest, the thought that this is somehow gang related has crossed my mind, too. But why would he get himself into a gang like that? He got transferred out of the last prison, bc he refused to do a hit on someone. He spent 3 months in the SHU waiting to get transferred and now this? I can almost not believe it, but it seems to make perfect sense. I tried to find out what this gang is all about and what their initiation rituals are, but there is not a whole lot I could find.

And to answer the questions about the money... I really don't care about the money. It was his the moment I gave it to him. His family needs it more, so it's totally fine with me for them to have it. And I don't know for sure if he gets money from someone else... I just know that he is not getting it from any family or friends and I would bet my life on the fact that he is not scamming some girl for money. I have no way to check where he gets his money from? Or does anybody know of a way?

**pj663** · #72 06-21-2012, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

This is a never ending story that only seems to get worse.

Here is today's update and anybody who has any experience regarding this or any meaningful insight is very welcome to share it with me. I called the prison and requested to talk to his counselor. They connected me and the lady that was on the phone was exceptionally nice. I asked her if there is any way she could let me know if I would be able to visit him this next weekend and if she would be able to check if I am still on his visitor's list. She said that the list is the inmate's responsibility and only he would be able to tell me. So far, so good. Then I asked her if he can have visitors and she confirmed that he is fine and walking around the unit. No restrictions whatsoever. He was definitely lying about that. I actually kept talking to the counselor for quite a while and explained to her a little bit how he has been behaving very strange lately... breaking up with me, sending all of his money to his sister-in-law, lying about his restrictions, not wanting to see his daughter after almost 3 years... all this stuff and she was very nice about it. She told me that he has been hanging out with white gang members of DMI and she said that this might be some kind of initiation thing. To be honest, the thought that this is somehow gang related has crossed my mind, too. But why would he get himself into a gang like that? He got transferred out of the last prison, bc he refused to do a hit on someone. He spent 3 months in the SHU waiting to get transferred and now this? I can almost not believe it, but it seems to make perfect sense. I tried to find out what this gang is all about and what their initiation rituals are, but there is not a whole lot I could find.

And to answer the questions about the money... I really don't care about the money. It was his the moment I gave it to him. His family needs it more, so it's totally fine with me for them to have it. And I don't know for sure if he gets money from someone else... I just know that he is not getting it from any family or friends and I would bet my life on the fact that he is not scamming some girl for money. I have no way to check where he gets his money from? Or does anybody know of a way?

What Facility is this????

The counselor especially anything regarding possible gang activity had no business telling you about him hanging with gang members especially when you are not the immediate family. You could have been a enemy for all this counselor know and she's telling his business that she assumes and dont know for certain??? If he was transferred recently due to him not wanting to do a hit, we talking about him being shipped out for his safety ( Protective Custody) which is something way diffrent. I'm just surprise that his counselor gave up so much information to you but I guess every prison is diffrent. In regards to the money I'm sure that you are not concerned about the money because you freely gave it to him god bless you for your heart and kindeness.But the key word is him not his family. I would think that since he told you to stop sending him money and wanting the best for you he would at least return the money you given him and not to his family. That choice to give the money to his family should have been yours just sayin. It's alot more to this story that only you know.

GermanGirl_28 · #73 06-21-2012, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pj663

What Facility is this????

The counselor especially anything regarding possible gang activity had no business telling you about him hanging with gang members especially when you are not the immediate family. You could have been a enemy for all this counselor know and she's telling his business that she assumes and dont know for certain??? If he was transferred recently due to him not wanting to do a hit, we talking about him being shipped out for his safety ( Protective Custody) which is something way diffrent. I'm just surprise that his counselor gave up so much information to you but I guess every prison is diffrent. In regards to the money I'm sure that you are not concerned about the money because you freely gave it to him god bless you for your heart and kindeness.But the key word is him not his family. I would think that since he told you to stop sending him money and wanting the best for you he would at least return the money you given him and not to his family. That choice to give the money to his family should have been yours just sayin. It's alot more to this story that only you know.

I am very glad that this counselor lady had a heart and told me the things she did. She could only make suggestions anyways and not confirm anything for sure. And yes, he was in protective custody before he transferred out of the last prison.

The money thing is really NOT a big deal at all. I am not mad or upset about it whatsoever. He asked his sister-in-law to but a christmas present for his daughter with that money. So far I have been paying for stuff like that anyways. I always made sure that I pre-selected gifts for her and then I let him choose which one he wants to send to her. This is really not a big deal. What IS a big deal, however, is the fact that he has no money at all now and how is he going to make that work?

Jootje · #74 06-21-2012, 12:24 PM

You have been in contact with a lot of people the past days to see what is going on and on this last call you were told "he was walking around the unit doing just fine" ....I am sorry to come across as harsh as for what I am going to say now but I would have put a stop to my hurting right there and then because you have been crying your eyes out and feeling sad and frustrating and wanting to move on with him while he is "walking around and doing fine"...

as for now I would just let it be as it is and see if you get a letter back on the one you have send out last week and in the meantime start working on closure and moving on because no matter how strange his actions may seem in your thoughts and mind, he seems to be moving on in whatever way he thinks is best for himself.

**pj663** · #75 06-21-2012, 12:28 PM

I'm sure you are glad that she told all that she did but she is speculating and considering he is protective custody she could have endangered his life but you know ok. I still say as a counselor and for his situation she had no buisness conveying that info to you. How do you or the counselor know if he wanted her to know about his personal problems between you and him? Again I'm just saying. Your money is your money you made that clear.