Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Tried&True · #1 06-12-2012, 11:47 AM

Greetings all.

I started writng an inmate in a federal USP and as it turns out, we fell for each other and have been a 'couple' for just over a year and a half. Yes, he did something dumb and desperate, but he did not hurt anyone. He is a great guy with a positive outlook on the present and future and has been able to keep his humanity during this tough ride..almost 5 years so far...2 1/2 more to go before he comes home.

He has worked hard to keep his record clean, and took allot of courses to finally get his security level reduced and moved to an FCI. He is beating the odds and I have seen allot of personal growth since we have been together. I couldn't be more proud of him!!!!!

Anyway, when he told his mother that he was involved with another man on the outside, she freaked and cut off all support for him and has not even written him since last November. She is one controlling and manipulative person, to say the least. I try to send him all I can when I can and make sure to write or email him every day...I'm all he has now.

I read here all the time, where friends and family disapprove of having an MWI (especially gay) on the inside, but not seen allot of posts where the MWI's family are against his relationship on the outside.Sometimes I feel guilty and sad to have caused him this pain, but then I realize I didn't cause it, his small minded family did. Anybody else have a guy inside who's family has turned their back on them? Has it put pressure on or hurt your relationship?

*Ken* · #2 06-13-2012, 04:12 AM

I cannot say that my guy's family especially turned their back, but I 'bumped into' his family in the waiting room before a visit. They did not tell him they were coming and it was very unusual for them to visit anyway so it was totally out of character and unexpected.

His dad was great with me but his mother gave me the cold shoulder from the start. She would not talk to him about me, she said that we would both go to hell, and that it was a phase and he would get over it.

It has taken 6 years to get to a point where she will email me some information if he passes it to her - such as he has tried to get me and the phone is not working or something like that...

Six years after meeting her - eleven years into the friendship - she still is not approving but she puts up with me/us. We are just friends now so I am sure that she is much better with it all...

*Ken* · #3 06-13-2012, 04:13 AM

I am sorry - but I guess the question I have here is did she know that he was gay before?

This seems extreme if he was out before - but if this is his way of announcing that he is gay and BTW I have a boyfriend on the outside too - there are many people that will have an issue with that and it may take some time for her to deal with it.

Tried&True · #4 06-13-2012, 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken

I am sorry - but I guess the question I have here is did she know that he was gay before?

This seems extreme if he was out before - but if this is his way of announcing that he is gay and BTW I have a boyfriend on the outside too - there are many people that will have an issue with that and it may take some time for her to deal with it.

He had gay relationships before he went in. I understand she made his life rough, interfering, etc. Even told him that being in prison wasn't punishment enough for 'what he did to her.' Can't wrap my brain around a parent being like that.

thisfamily · #5 06-13-2012, 06:52 AM

You are too nice! Haha. Stop feeling guilty.... you're not responsible for other people's pain. Their attitudes and perspective cause them pain. I hope your friend will keep her out of his life even when he gets out of prison until she apologizes for her behavior and acts at least respectfully to him and his friends and future partners.

Congrats, only a little time to go and the fact that he is keeping his record clean for so long.. speaks a lot for his character! You are such a great friend to be there for him for 11 years. Will something develop more again when he gets out?

Tried&True · #6 06-13-2012, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ieatcupcakes

You are too nice! Haha. Stop feeling guilty.... you're not responsible for other people's pain. Their attitudes and perspective cause them pain. I hope your friend will keep her out of his life even when he gets out of prison until she apologizes for her behavior and acts at least respectfully to him and his friends and future partners.

Congrats, only a little time to go and the fact that he is keeping his record clean for so long.. speaks a lot for his character! You are such a great friend to be there for him for 11 years. Will something develop more again when he gets out?

Thanks for the kind words cupcakes. When he gets out, he is coming to a new home with me on the east coast and not back to west coast where he came form. Just goes to show that you never know where ou might meet your soulmate.

Cheers!

**fbopnomore** · #7 06-13-2012, 02:19 PM

Be sure he tells his unit team about a year before his release date that he wants to request a change of probation location. It has to be approved by federal probation in both states, and if it is, he will go to a half way house near where he will be released. If not, he will go to the judicial district where he was convicted and be released there.

thisfamily · #8 06-13-2012, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tried&True

Thanks for the kind words cupcakes. When he gets out, he is coming to a new home with me on the east coast and not back to west coast where he came form. Just goes to show that you never know where ou might meet your soulmate.

Cheers!

Awesome. Let his harridan mother scream all she wants from the west coast. lol.. for some reason I see her as the mother on Everyone Loves Raymond.

Mcox'sbabygirl · #9 06-13-2012, 04:25 PM

I am a mom of 2 boys. I do not for the life of me understand how a mom can be like that. ALL I will ever care about is that my kids are in supportive, good relationships. I don't care if it's with a man or woman.
I wish u the best

CenTexLyn · #10 06-16-2012, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tried&True

He had gay relationships before he went in. I understand she made his life rough, interfering, etc. Even told him that being in prison wasn't punishment enough for 'what he did to her.' Can't wrap my brain around a parent being like that.

There is far too much that goes into the family dynamic to cover the whys and hows in this sort of a forum...suffice it to say that some parents simply never do get their minds around the notion that their son or daughter is gay. And that holds true no matter whether the child was law-abiding and never went to prison or got into trouble or if they were hell on wheels...

I had a case I worked on not long ago where the family was uber-conservative and had been unaware that their son was gay. Even after close to a decade of knowing about their kid's true self, the family was still talking about their son's "gayism" during the initial interview. Yes, they actually used that term. The family has reconciled with their son through the years, but you can still tell that the fact he is gay is a source of what could best be described as frustration for them.

In my own instance, I was probably most fortunate to have grown up during the 70's and 80's just north of what was at that time one of the larger gay and lesbian communities in the country...so at least my parents had some exposure vis-a-vis local media coverage. But the sad reality is that other people are not so fortunate...and it sounds like that is precisely what the OP has run into.

michaelpaulswif · #11 06-17-2012, 04:06 PM

Kids I have a gay son. I had to put my thoughts in on this. If my son was in prison I beliee that last thing I would be worried about would be who he loved! Just the fact this kid is inlove is great! When my son told m he was guy I said siad cool, s ya comin home this weekend? Congrats on finding love in a hopless place!

bdwell · #12 06-17-2012, 11:30 PM

Ken~ I wonder how she could think ya'll might be going to hell or heaven or anywhere else. Sounds like a statement a christian would make, and surely she couldn't be a christian when she is being sooo judgemental huh?
T&T~ Kudos to this young man for actually trying to make something of his life, you must be very proud. I personally know how hard it is to be cut off from your family, I live it everyday. Survival and yes even happiness can still be found.

SpicaRigel · #13 06-18-2012, 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tried&True

Anybody else have a guy inside who's family has turned their back on them? Has it put pressure on or hurt your relationship?

Hey you! I dont get on as often these days so I dont know how things are progressing with you.
Have you two met in person yet?
This has always been on my mind... do you know, for a fact, that his mother really did turn her back on him? Have you spoken with her?

Tried&True · #14 06-20-2012, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpicaRigel

Hey you! I dont get on as often these days so I dont know how things are progressing with you.
Have you two met in person yet?
This has always been on my mind... do you know, for a fact, that his mother really did turn her back on him? Have you spoken with her?

Hey Dana!!!! So glad to see you again!!! Yeah, am sure about it. Multiple sources.

cablndguy · #15 10-10-2012, 08:43 AM

Hi sorry to hear that your friend's mother acted this way. My guy and I almost mirror your situation. We have been doing this now for over 2 years. He is also in an FCI and finally was approved to apply for transfer closer to my home. It was a huge deal for him to make my address his home address on his records so I know what you guys are going through.

Coming out whether it is inside or outside is not the easiest thing in the world. Especially if family has no idea that their son is gay or bisexual. Over time he and his mother may be able to work it out. What is painful is when money is being withheld because of her anger or controlling issues. The situation with fed inmates is it's very difficult with Unicor being so scarce now or non existant in many locations. Inmates are very dependent on family and friends to send them money for email - phone and the little extras that make such a big difference.

Hang in there and let him know that your there for him. I would try to offer to send a little money every month just so he knows he does not have to buckle at moms every whim. Dont feel bad though, if he is real and not running a scam, then coming out to family is all part of the process of a real relationship that means something and not just someone to occupy his time.

Hope your story has a happy ending would like to know how it all turned out.

Tried&True · #16 10-11-2012, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cablndguy

Hi sorry to hear that your friend's mother acted this way. My guy and I almost mirror your situation. We have been doing this now for over 2 years. He is also in an FCI and finally was approved to apply for transfer closer to my home. It was a huge deal for him to make my address his home address on his records so I know what you guys are going through.

Coming out whether it is inside or outside is not the easiest thing in the world. Especially if family has no idea that their son is gay or bisexual. Over time he and his mother may be able to work it out. What is painful is when money is being withheld because of her anger or controlling issues. The situation with fed inmates is it's very difficult with Unicor being so scarce now or non existant in many locations. Inmates are very dependent on family and friends to send them money for email - phone and the little extras that make such a big difference.

Hang in there and let him know that your there for him. I would try to offer to send a little money every month just so he knows he does not have to buckle at moms every whim. Dont feel bad though, if he is real and not running a scam, then coming out to family is all part of the process of a real relationship that means something and not just someone to occupy his time.

Hope your story has a happy ending would like to know how it all turned out.

Thanks for the kind words..sorry you guys are facing like situation. It has been almost a year and so far his mother hasn't so much as sent him a Christmas card, letter, email...nothing. I've been sending him everything I can to keep our email, calls, letters going and get him essentials. We ar about to start getting his address changed so he can transfer to halfway house here and then come home. I'm finally able to go see him next month..its pretty exciting.

Best to you and yours.

Mike'sbabyboy · #17 10-23-2012, 10:58 AM

I have my personal opinion on MWI relationships, but that's niether here nor there. I will tell you that I remeber when my man (domestic partner) first told his mother about us. It was about a year after being together. He took me to her house, knocked on the door. When this lady answered the door, he said "remember the girl I told you about? Well, it's not a girl, it's him" (pointing at me). She rolled her eyes in the back of her head, then said "well, if that's what makes you happy, I am happy for you." It did take her some time to totally accept it. But we are now the best of friends. We do alot together. At least she was aware of his sexuality before. She is probably just being a concerned mother. She surely has concerns of her son being with someone he MWI. Maybe she will come around one day, maybe she wont. Who's to say. My advice is to just take it one step at a time. If it's meant to be, it will be. Love is not easy, but definitely worth the struggle. Keep your head up.

Tried&True · #18 10-25-2012, 04:49 AM

Update....she has finally started talking to him again..unkess he metions me. She still refuses to send him so much as a book. She says its because "she doesn't trust him." Trust him to what?!? Just manipulation and control. Anyway...we are doing great and I am finally going out to visit him in 2 weeks.

Mike'sbabyboy · #19 10-26-2012, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tried&True

Update....she has finally started talking to him again..unkess he metions me. She still refuses to send him so much as a book. She says its because "she doesn't trust him." Trust him to what?!? Just manipulation and control. Anyway...we are doing great and I am finally going out to visit him in 2 weeks.

Happy to hear that she is at least talking to him again. Have a nice visit.