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S&F1403 · #1 05-03-2012, 01:29 AM

Sorry this is so long!!! Had to vent! My husband's daughters mother and I are on very good terms. We don't hang out as friends but we have respect for each other and over the past few years I've become close to his daughter (Who is 7) because I'm the one who brings her to visit her father who is a five hour car ride away and we usually stay two or three days. The mother and I talk about how important it is to help maintain his relationship with his daughter and I know she is a single mother and I have no problem footing the bill for the trips since I get to see my hubby and also get to bond with my stepdaughter. I also take his daughter once in awhile for the day because he wants us to have a good relationship and to also give her mother a little alone time for herself. Him and I met when I was 19 (i'm 30 now) and were together for almost three years (engaged and living together) until we broke up the first time. We were both just immature and needed to grow up, but even in other relationships I always still loved him. When people hear her and I are on good terms they are shocked because when we were together the first time she was clearly going after him even though she knew him and I were in a committed relationship, though I never met her back then I obviously had ill feelings towards her because I would hear things from their mutual friends about her going after him. People would even tell me she would come into my work I guess to check out the "competition" and I had no idea who she was because we had never met. I just knew of her. My husband would even tell me about her "infatuation". After our breakup he got drunk and hooked up with her and the result was his daughter, though she clearly thought she loved him he did not feel the same and said he would be there for his baby but didn't want to be with her. To him it was just a "hook up" after him and I broke up. Though logically I had no right to be mad when I learned about the baby I still felt like my heart had been ripped out. I think one of the hardest things he ever had to do was tell me because no matter what our love was unbreakable. Fast forward all these years later and him and I have reunited and have built a solid, trusting, very open with communication relationship and have recently married. When We decided to work things out we had many talks about my pain over him having a baby with her, but through time I came to realize that I had to let my anger towards her go if we were going to succeed. So I honestly did. So her and I finally actually met and she seemed to have moved on and though it was awkward at first I feel we have made the best out of the situation and actually get along really well. Here is where I'm torn.... My husband makes every effort to be in his daughters life (more than a lot of guys on the streets). He calls her two times a week, makes her cards and pictures, we plan as many trips as possible so they can see each other, he have never missed a birthday or christmas present (with a little help from me of course

). And since I met her she has always said how happy she is he tries to take such an active role in her life and praises his efforts. She really is an amazing mother and always puts her daughter first. So this whole time I've been thinking her and him are in a good place considering the circumstances (friends for their daughters sake) but come to find out she has been talking S*** about him to everyone, playing the "woe is me card, I'm a single mom and my daughter has a father who isn't there for her at all". Of course I've learned this over the dreaded FACEBOOK. I personally got rid of mine because of drama (go figure huh) but I will admit I do check out people using my besties facebook once in awhile. Well over the past two years she has posted many hurtful and mean comments about my husband regarding him as a father. For example she wrote, "My daughter had to make a family tree at school today and forgot her dad.... Ha Ha Ha, my daughter is so smart". And many other comments about how horrible of a father he is and how he has nothing to do with her. And this makes all her friends (some that he knows as well, but hasn't spoken to in a long time) comment about how sad that is that he has abandoned his own daughter and poor her.... blah, blah, blah. I brought up the subject once to him just saying a friend had seen a comment she wrote and he basically said, "She would never write something like that and the person is lying." Not wanting him to get mad at me for snooping I couldn't say I saw it with my own eyes. But he did ask her about it and she completely denied it. So the past two years I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want to start drama and keep peace but more and more it's getting harder to let this two faced woman disrespect my husband where everyone can see including many people who know him and who are being lead to believe he is basically a deadbeat dad. The other day she wrote, "It's so sad my daughter doesn't have a father in her life who cares about her. It breaks my heart." I was LIVID. This was just days after I had taken her to pick out a bithday present and her dad made sure to call so they could be on the phone together so they could pick it out together. So should I tell him that she is saying all these horrible things about him online and I'm sure in person, or should I just continue playing dumb to her being a two-faced? I've tried so hard to make a good relationship with her and now It's hard to even be in the same room with her knowing all the lies she saying about my husband. He is so trusting of her and I was actually really supportive of them having a good relationship (though it was hard for me, but his daughter comes first) but he is in complete darkness about what she is saying about him.

**Patty** · #2 05-03-2012, 02:07 AM

She may be coming from the place that visits and gifts are nice but they do not replace child support or visitation in the real world. I can see that point of view, although I disagree with co-parents being publicly nasty to one another because I feel they should always keep the best interests of the child in mind.

I would tell him and then he can decide how he wants to handle the information. Whatever is done, the child is the first priority.

FastCarGirl · #3 05-03-2012, 02:14 AM

Be straight with your guy, print off the facebook wall, just tell him you've gotten on it through your friend's account and saw a status update from her and had to look or something like that. He's not going to believe hearsay, but it's hard to not believe the truth staring him in the face.

And then let him deal with it....at least you both know now not to trust her, that she's that two-faced. Ultimately, it's him and his daughter that know the truth about their relationship, and truly it's all that matters. He can take up for himself with whatever friends he still wants to be friends with when he gets out...I'm sure these people aren't talking to him now, otherwise they'd know the truth about his relationship with his little girl.

At the end of the day, she's doing nothing but putting him down to build herself up and gain whatever self-esteem she can from the situation. It's sad, but a lot of people are like that, unfortunately. It's only going to cause you problems and drama if you let it. Don't let it.

moonbaby1111 · #4 05-03-2012, 02:35 AM

wow n WOW... I have to admit I'm one of those that like the looooong posts cuz it gives me a better feel so don't be sorry bout that

But u know what? I have no idea what to say bout ur question..I really don't ..but it may come to me by the end of my post..I take a loooooong time writing these....well hell cuz I have to think..lol

I do want to say tho that I think u are sum kind of woman to do everything that you have done and are doin...I am honestly so impressed and touched by that...gawd ur a gud woman and ur man n his little girl are sooo lucky and fortunate to have you..

Now on the other hand..I have a real vile taste in my mouth bout the mama...... n I'm goin to leave it at that.. You did mention you brought this subject up with him before and he shut it rite down not wantin to hear it..remember where he is..he's got no control over anythin...soooooo...

in my mind first priority is the lil one...next priority and pretty much equal is u n ur man.... see sumone missin? yup...she's not on the list....... at all....non fkng factor..(yeah I watch basketball wives..lol) I understand completely you're wantin to tell ur man..a good man n ur man blinded to the lies she's spittin bout him...reflex cuz u luv him so much..but what gud is it gonna do rite now? u already saw he doesn't want to know and u know.... whats the harm with that? he's still gettin to be with his daughter and you..bein the proud lovin dad he wants to be..and ur still gettin to bond with her..god he's gotta love u soo much for that...

my thinkin is keep doin what ur doin...ur not doin it for "mama" ur doin it for the lil one n for you and him..be civil to her...if ur feelin like ur in a tough spot cuz of what u read on facebook and ur not tellin him than get rid of it..if u don't know than ur not putting urself in the position of "hiding" it from him...I don't know how long he has till he comes home..I think this is such a touchy matter of the heart subject for him I think ur better off letting him see or hear with his own eyes n ears when he comes home and u being right there by his side for him that way when HE deals with it he has control.....I'm afraid this might cause a problem with all of you judging by his first reaction when u attempted to tell him..this is a big one for him..I just feel like you both need to be on the same side of the wall to deal with "mama" ....u guyz got sumthin really stroooong...don't let the "i jus want attention pity me" bs play in there..u know what they say... karmas a real bitch

S&F1403 · #5 05-03-2012, 02:46 AM

I honestly just feel in my gut that she isn't truly over him and is resentful that he didn't want to have a romantic relationship with her when she found out she was pregnant and to top it off him and I reunited and he is completely devoted to me. I know a lot of people say this, but he is innocent of his charges. I won't go into details but her and I both know and acknowledge his inocence. The person who put him there has even admitted to lying after he was convicted (not that it matters to the court as long as they win their case). And what's so funny is that she tries to act like she is so perfect when I know for a fact some of the things she's done in the past that if she was caught she could easily be right where he is sitting in a jail cell. When he was out he always provided for his daughter emotionally and financially (Even paying her whole rent sometimes). And since he's been locked up he's still been providing financially for his daughter (his brother owes him a lot of money for a loan and he has him make part of the monthly payments to her to cover childcare and other expenses for his daughter, and the rest to me to help with bills), more than probably what the court would make him pay in child support. So I don't know where she gets off saying these horrible things about him.

LoveYourself1st · #6 05-03-2012, 03:54 AM

So I understand why you are upset with the woman BUT...

What do you hope to gain by stirring up this pot of drama?

All that matters is how his daughter feels about him. It would be easy for the mom to cut you and your husband out of the daughter's life. Right or wrong that is easy for a mother to do. Right now your husband has a good relationship with his daughter. Right now you have a good relationship with your step-daughter. Sometimes it is better just to keep your mouth shut. You say you want to be out of facebook drama but you are choosing to stick yourself right in the middle.

Sheryl P. · #7 05-03-2012, 04:26 AM

I say that you should print the facebook commnets off and let him see what she is saying but since you want the doughter to see her father,let it ride.
They can hash it all out when their daughter turns 18.Until then,it is really better to just allow things to remain on as good a terms as you can.
She is pretty much raising her daughter as a single parent and he wants nothing to do with a relationsip with her.I doubt when he had sex,he told her she was just a free ride.
I can see why she deels the need to vent,thank God she does not do this in front of her daughter and that she allows so much contact!
Look at the good and not the bad.

nimuay · #8 05-03-2012, 04:43 AM

I guess the biggest question I have is how much longer does he have? If it's not too long, I'd leave it alone. The second one is whether or not the daughter is hearing any of these remarks.

If she's not hearing anything, then I might print off the fb pages, but leave it until he gets home. She knows that she's going to see him and getting the attention and care he can provide, and if they have a good relationship then you just let it lie.

InmateLover67 · #9 05-03-2012, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by S&F1403

Sorry this is so long!!! Had to vent! My husband's daughters mother and I are on very good terms. We don't hang out as friends but we have respect for each other and over the past few years I've become close to his daughter (Who is 7) because I'm the one who brings her to visit her father who is a five hour car ride away and we usually stay two or three days. The mother and I talk about how important it is to help maintain his relationship with his daughter and I know she is a single mother and I have no problem footing the bill for the trips since I get to see my hubby and also get to bond with my stepdaughter. I also take his daughter once in awhile for the day because he wants us to have a good relationship and to also give her mother a little alone time for herself. Him and I met when I was 19 (i'm 30 now) and were together for almost three years (engaged and living together) until we broke up the first time. We were both just immature and needed to grow up, but even in other relationships I always still loved him. When people hear her and I are on good terms they are shocked because when we were together the first time she was clearly going after him even though she knew him and I were in a committed relationship, though I never met her back then I obviously had ill feelings towards her because I would hear things from their mutual friends about her going after him. People would even tell me she would come into my work I guess to check out the "competition" and I had no idea who she was because we had never met. I just knew of her. My husband would even tell me about her "infatuation". After our breakup he got drunk and hooked up with her and the result was his daughter, though she clearly thought she loved him he did not feel the same and said he would be there for his baby but didn't want to be with her. To him it was just a "hook up" after him and I broke up. Though logically I had no right to be mad when I learned about the baby I still felt like my heart had been ripped out. I think one of the hardest things he ever had to do was tell me because no matter what our love was unbreakable. Fast forward all these years later and him and I have reunited and have built a solid, trusting, very open with communication relationship and have recently married. When We decided to work things out we had many talks about my pain over him having a baby with her, but through time I came to realize that I had to let my anger towards her go if we were going to succeed. So I honestly did. So her and I finally actually met and she seemed to have moved on and though it was awkward at first I feel we have made the best out of the situation and actually get along really well. Here is where I'm torn.... My husband makes every effort to be in his daughters life (more than a lot of guys on the streets). He calls her two times a week, makes her cards and pictures, we plan as many trips as possible so they can see each other, he have never missed a birthday or christmas present (with a little help from me of course

). And since I met her she has always said how happy she is he tries to take such an active role in her life and praises his efforts. She really is an amazing mother and always puts her daughter first. So this whole time I've been thinking her and him are in a good place considering the circumstances (friends for their daughters sake) but come to find out she has been talking S*** about him to everyone, playing the "woe is me card, I'm a single mom and my daughter has a father who isn't there for her at all". Of course I've learned this over the dreaded FACEBOOK. I personally got rid of mine because of drama (go figure huh) but I will admit I do check out people using my besties facebook once in awhile. Well over the past two years she has posted many hurtful and mean comments about my husband regarding him as a father. For example she wrote, "My daughter had to make a family tree at school today and forgot her dad.... Ha Ha Ha, my daughter is so smart". And many other comments about how horrible of a father he is and how he has nothing to do with her. And this makes all her friends (some that he knows as well, but hasn't spoken to in a long time) comment about how sad that is that he has abandoned his own daughter and poor her.... blah, blah, blah. I brought up the subject once to him just saying a friend had seen a comment she wrote and he basically said, "She would never write something like that and the person is lying." Not wanting him to get mad at me for snooping I couldn't say I saw it with my own eyes. But he did ask her about it and she completely denied it. So the past two years I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want to start drama and keep peace but more and more it's getting harder to let this two faced woman disrespect my husband where everyone can see including many people who know him and who are being lead to believe he is basically a deadbeat dad. The other day she wrote, "It's so sad my daughter doesn't have a father in her life who cares about her. It breaks my heart." I was LIVID. This was just days after I had taken her to pick out a bithday present and her dad made sure to call so they could be on the phone together so they could pick it out together. So should I tell him that she is saying all these horrible things about him online and I'm sure in person, or should I just continue playing dumb to her being a two-faced? I've tried so hard to make a good relationship with her and now It's hard to even be in the same room with her knowing all the lies she saying about my husband. He is so trusting of her and I was actually really supportive of them having a good relationship (though it was hard for me, but his daughter comes first) but he is in complete darkness about what she is saying about him.

Have you confronted her in regards to what she is saying about her daughters Father? If you two are good enough friends, why can you not ask her whay she is being hateful? What is her motive for making a Father out to be dead-beat when he is active in his daugher's life?

If you know for sure she is the one saying the nasty things about your husband, I would print out some of her posts and show them to your husband as proof. Then maybe he will not think she is so perfect.

FB is the worst place for drama, but I could not, nor would I sit back and allow another woman to bad-mouth my husband. He would know what this woman is doing.

Or, you could simply quit having dealings with her and let her hang her ownself with your husband. But again, I would not sit back and watch her tear him down. Talk to both of them and then let things work themselves out.

Good luck!

Peace~

S&F1403 · #10 05-03-2012, 06:38 AM

My worry is that she is of course friends with her entire family on facebook who see these posts, like her mom and sister. Who in return after reading all these things and the responses from people will make them think the worst of him. And then his daughter could start hearing comments from her grandma, aunt, ect. about her father. It's just so frustrating. On one hand I want to defend my husband, as he would do for me. We have each other's backs ALWAYS. But on the other hand I would NEVER forgive myself if I was the cause of him not being able to see his daughter, and the mom holds all the cards here. Plus I love that little girl greatly, she is a part of him and it would be a great loss to me as well. He has some decent time left so maybe I should print them all out and just hold onto them for the future and just see how this plays out. Him knowing this will only cause him more stress and and I know he would confront her about it if he saw with his own eyes the things she said and would be angry and hurt. We are all in a good place right now..... Even if it is in a way fake on her part at least he gets to see and talk to his daughter, which everyone has pointed out. Just hearing my husband being the subject of her mean, spiteful rants makes it hard for me not to come out swinging (not literally lol). And though her and I are in a cool place with one another I for sure don't feel comfortable talking to her about it. It's just so hard to hear him talk so nicely of her and know she is saying and posting such mean things about him. It's like I feel like I'm lying to him if I don't tell him but if I do then everything could blow up and his relationship with his daughter suffers. at least I know the truth I guess.

Sheryl P. · #11 05-03-2012, 06:43 AM

You sound like you are making a very mature decison.
Of couse we would all like to confront her but sometimes the better part of valor is descretion.
Save the print outs for later when he is in a better position to do something about it.
His daughter knows he loves her and so I would not worry too much.
I think the worst damage is done when the adults start to fight and the kids get caught in the middle.

iLYD.R.E · #12 06-20-2012, 04:22 AM

yes print them
i for one deleted my FB too but im like you i get on through my bff's page sometimes just to get updated lol..
when i stumbled upon some girl we went to school with talking about my guy. hm bless her little heart but her cousin was my hubbys friend and hes no angel so i had to put her in her place shut that crap down and let your husband know what her true colors look like and I dont think the daughter will be affected by all the judgemental comments her mother and granny and aunt are talking about because she see's her dad and knows he trys to the best of his capabilities because she knows he's in prison. have your mans back i dont blame you not one bit.

Mrs. Happy · #13 06-23-2012, 12:42 AM

I say leave it alone and stop looking at her comments. You are lucky she lets you take her daughter why would you want to jeopardize that. If she wants to make those comments then that's her sh*t not yours.