Why do we hang on to these horrible relationships?

[Klewis]

When I was in a bad relationship I stayed because I had low self-esteem and I believed that half of a man is better then no man at all. Then I woke up and realized that if I learn how to love myself that couldn't no man bring me happiness anyway. Yes they could add on to the happiness I already feel but its not up to another person to bring me happiness. Now that I have grown up and did some counseling I like myself much better because now I know I can do bad all by myself. I am able to love a man but not be dependent on him. I know I have something to bring to the table just like he does and if he doesn't I know I can find a man that does. I found once I got a backbone the dogs stay away and the real men respect me and actual see me as quite a catch. Some women think its cute to let a man mistreat them those women don't no the first thing about love and that is why they spend most of their relationship unhappy. They may have a man but they don't have happiness and won't find it letting someone mistreat them either.

[ctjhasmyheart]

Originally Posted by Klewis

When I was in a bad relationship I stayed because I had low self-esteem and I believed that half of a man is better then no man at all. Then I woke up and realized that if I learn how to love myself that couldn't no man bring me happiness anyway. Yes they could add on to the happiness I already feel but its not up to another person to bring me happiness. Now that I have grown up and did some counseling I like myself much better because now I know I can do bad all by myself. I am able to love a man but not be dependent on him. I know I have something to bring to the table just like he does and if he doesn't I know I can find a man that does. I found once I got a backbone the dogs stay away and the real men respect me and actual see me as quite a catch. Some women think its cute to let a man mistreat them those women don't no the first thing about love and that is why they spend most of their relationship unhappy. They may have a man but they don't have happiness and won't find it letting someone mistreat them either.

You couldn't have said this better

[KMarieKing]

When I was with my ex and things became abusive I stayed because the love and hope I felt for him didn't allow me to see the reality of how bad things had become. Things were perfect in the beginning and how he treated me back then set the tone for how I would always want to see him. I didn't want to believe that he was the abusive alcoholic who used me and disrespected me, I wanted to believe that the "real" him was the good man I met, and that the good part in him was still inside of him and would come out again if certain external circumstances changed. Holding on to the memories of how things were in the beginning was the only hope I had to get me through some very rough times, but I think it prevented me from seeing and dealing with how bad things had actually become. Even after the police made him leave after his last assault on me I still didn't get it through my head and I wanted to continue to support him because I convinced myself that he is a good person with a bad illness (he is bi-polar and is currently not receiving treatment for it, I only recently learned that the meds he was on when I first met him where helping him to control his anger and aggression).

The messed up part is even though he nearly killed me I still love him. I accept that we cannot be together again unless he gets some serious psychological help and I know that will never happen, but I still hope for that. It is a good thing that the police made him leave and he ended up relocating to the other side of the country, because I know if we remained physically together he would have ended up murdering me sooner rather than later. For the life of me I cannot tell you why I love that man as much as I do, and yes, that's present tense.

One thing about my situation is that domestic violence runs in my family. For generations now the women in my family have endured it. I grew up witnessing it and experiencing it, as did my mother, my grandmother, and my great-grandmother. On an intellectual level I know it's wrong and I see the destruction is causes, but I think it was almost bred into me to love your abuser regardless of the crimes they commit against you. When I was 10 I watched my mother almost bleed to death at the hands of my stepfather and 16 years later she still has medical problems from that, yet despite that she stayed with him for another ten years. Again, I know it's not normal, healthy, or good but I think it's just within me to keep loving no matter what. My mother once said the thing about the women in our family is when we love, we love hard, and it is the most precious gift we can give. I think it is also our downfall.

[brooks]

Because we don't want to admit that we were sooo naive & blind to the truth that was smacking us.

Even after finding out that a good portion of what Ex told me about his life is lies, I still hurt for what I thought was there. I won't go back & I know he's a fool. I just miss the illusion...well, sort of, but I'm clearing up my emotional car wreck.

[No More Tears]

I think we hold on to those miserable things because we love them, we have hope that they will change.We tend to drag on instead of letting go. In addition, we want to prove others wrong. Many family members and friends tell us that they are not worthy of us, but we set our minds to fixing the man, but it does not work. So now we're stuck in something that we should have never gotten into in the first place.

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by No More Tears

I think we hold on to those miserable things because we love them, we have hope that they will change.We tend to drag on instead of letting go. In addition, we want to prove others wrong. Many family members and friends tell us that they are not worthy of us, but we set our minds to fixing the man, but it does not work. So now we're stuck in something that we should have never gotten into in the first place.

Well said... I'm so THINKIN of ending my marriage...I feel stuck at some point because he's not going to be home no time soon. This my first time as a prison wife and I don't like it..

[Ms. Tazzie]

Because we look the relationship as how it COULD BE instead of HOW IT IS...

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by Zachary's Woman

Because we look the relationship as how it COULD BE instead of HOW IT IS...

Well said...I mean this is exactly what it is and u out it so in perspective

[D'BrianBooBaby]

I don't know why we hang on to these relationship but my case is different. I knew my friend in high school. He served time 10 years the first time and came home. When he came home the first time we lived together. His mother own property so it was easier. But it was too easy. He was hanging around people I didn't not approve and then I just got mad and left him. I was hoping he would call me apologize but I forgot his mind is not advance let us. So by the time we did get back together, he was upset I left and was acting very very very strange and then he we broke up again. He wanted to get back together then he did something dumb. He killed a gang member with a gun. I know I did not like those people but they still gave him a gun to play with. So his back in jail. We did not talk for awhile and now we talking again. We trying to work it out but the truth is he is my soulmate, there no way around it. And now we trying to pray and seek some counseling. I have to tell myself that I love my husband at least 50 times a day. I hope w'll be able to workout this mess we made together. I stay because I feel obligated to free myself and find him so peace of mind. He got a sentence of 25 years and he eligible for parole in 2021. I can only take one step at a time. But I do work alot and try to get all the education I can and he is a support group. I don't have time to be playing around with little boys, so some men is not my type. So I feel over educated, so I can't meet my equal. Maybe one day but until then I guess I have to sculpture him into my true equal.

[nesiemc]

Originally Posted by ifound4ever

I don't think that my relationship itself is actually a horrible one; it's more the situation that I find abhorrent. It's the being separated by "time and space".
My relationship wasn't horrible to begin with and so its not horrible now!! I hate that we can't do "the normal" things that other couples can do; but because I love him I stay!! "Anything worth having is worth waiting for" and he most definitely is well worth the wait!!!

I've never been one to take the easy way out and so I look at this as just another hurdle that we'll get over!!

I agree with ifound4ever, sometimes its not that the relationship is horrible but the circumstances. My relationship is not horrible but its not the ideal relationship I want. I miss my husband and can't wait until he comes home. We have a short time (few months) now but we did close to 10 years already. It was difficult but through it all he always showed his appreciation, gratefulness, and love for me. We knew each other before he got locked up and was in a relationship. I must say our relationship became stronger and I decided to say "I do" when I was reluctant when we were dating on the outside. So it really depends on the individual and if they truly love you. My point is that we must differentiate horrible relationships from difficult relationships. I say when you are in a horrible realtionship, the person is mistreating you, disrespecting you, and being selfish consistently. I say consistenly because my husband can be selfish and ask to see me everyweek, he's 4 1/2 hours away and I drive and really don't feel like taking that trip every week so I only comes twice a month and he understands. He complains how he miss me a wish I can come every week and I reply that I miss him too and wish I could but its too much. He's also a bit spoil b/c when he was 1 1/2 hours away I would see him every week and sometimes twice a week. I know my relationship is worth waiting on and I know my husband became a humble man. He was always sweet but a little too arrogant now he's humble and sweet. BUT most of all he's still the smart man I fell in love with and made the worst decision he could have ever made that got him locked up.

[debbie41]

Love

[ms.jailbird]

Weird how we hold on even when the relationship is horrible. I don't want to be abused, but although I've called it off, something happens...last time he drowned me in letters asking me not to go, saying all the things I love to hear...

After a couple of months, here we go again - I realize that I'm taking verbal and emotional abuse AND my life is all about him again.

I've just realized, if I gave myself all that I give him - I would have an incredible life!

Gotta stop loving him, and give myself that kind of love.

[egbdf65]

In my case, I would invite a certain type of person into my life, over and over, all through my life, but I didn't really want it, in fact I never had anything real in common with them. I would make sure they left me so I could feel the rejection I'm so familiar with. I'd then act helplessly (don't leave me) so I could feel abandoned and in shame, fear, and anger, other emotions I know so well. I was recreating childhood issues through these people and it wasn't fair to them - and it really wasn't fair to myself, given that sometimes I'd end up abused, depending on who I had been with. I did that to myself and it's sad.

This is not as uncommon as people may think. 12-step rooms are filled with people like me.

Today I know better. My boundaries are solid because I worked through it with God and my attractions are to much different people today. And I'm not powerful enough to carry other people's emotions around anymore, I took myself down from the cross.

Today I happily keep my safe space safe as I develop a few nice relationships with women. I don't need a real lot, I've got God and a job to do in recovery. I love alcoholics and I now have more experience to help others with.

I wouldn't change a single event in my life.

[romnickhudges]

Probably because both are not yet ready to handle that kind of relationship though there might be so many reasons behind it. But then again if ever you would commit yourself to someone make sure you are ready both physically and mentally.

[Mrs. Happy]

Low self esteem.....

[LoveYourself1st]

This is not my current situation but in the past I was guilty of staying in toxic relationships. In my case it was a combination of reasons.

1. Low self esteem
2. Staying with them gave me the chance (even if it was slim) that one day everything would magically turn around and I would be treated with love. I felt if I left I was losing even the chance of being loved.
3. Financial security
4. Fear of the unknown
5. A good work ethic. I felt if I just became smarter/nicer/thinner/etc everything would be perfect. I was willing to put in hours of work to obtain perfection. I just didn't realize the search for perfection is a form of self-hate.

[Miss_A]

Co-dependency. That's a big factor in many relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

http://mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

[RubyRed77]

Originally Posted by Miss_A

Co-dependency. That's a big factor in many relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

[*]An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others[*]A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue[*]A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time[*]A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts[*]An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment[*]An extreme need for approval and recognition[*]A sense of guilt when asserting themselves[*]A compelling need to control others[*]Lack of trust in self and/or others[*]Fear of being abandoned or alone[*]Difficulty identifying feelings[*]Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change[*]Problems with intimacy/boundaries[*]Chronic anger[*]Lying/dishonesty[*]Poor communications[*]Difficulty making decisions

http://mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

Wow. Almost all of those pertain to me...
Haven't heard from my BF in 4 days because of an argument but I still want to "fix it". Emotionally draining that I am letting him consume me.

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by Miss_A

Co-dependency. That's a big factor in many relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

[*]An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others[*]A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue[*]A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time[*]A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts[*]An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment[*]An extreme need for approval and recognition[*]A sense of guilt when asserting themselves[*]A compelling need to control others[*]Lack of trust in self and/or others[*]Fear of being abandoned or alone[*]Difficulty identifying feelings[*]Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change[*]Problems with intimacy/boundaries[*]Chronic anger[*]Lying/dishonesty[*]Poor communications[*]Difficulty making decisions

http://mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

I think I need to reevaluate myself..

[Sherry1]

Sorry for the mean thing your ex said to you. I need your strenght.

Originally Posted by hoppin

I didn't stay, but still think about him allot. I still can't imagine he could be so cruel. Even when I was the brunt of his cruel game. I thought our 2 year relationship was solid. He wrote to me one week professing all his love for me and the next week he dumped me for someone else.

I will never understand why he did that. It was like he deliberately built me up for 2 years to the point where I trusted him and believed he really loved me and one day he looks at me and said, "psych! I was just kidding." Just for some kind of sick entertainment.

The main reason I did not try to get back with him (which would have been easy to do) is because I am tired of this type of foolishness--I've had enough of it over the years. If I were younger I probably would have fought for him even after he treated me that way--"because I love him."

[No More Tears]

Originally Posted by MsPrettiJackson

Well said... I'm so THINKIN of ending my marriage...I feel stuck at some point because he's not going to be home no time soon. This my first time as a prison wife and I don't like it..

What have you tried to do regarding feeling "Stuck?" If you have tried and after reasoning with yourself about the situation, and you are still feeling stuck and thinking harder than ever about divorce, maybe you should. I feel for you. I went through something similar, but I took the time to do what I am asking you to do "Weigh the situation carefully." Try to imagine where you want to be in your life and if you can see the two of you in it together. If you cannot see him making productive transitions with you, go ahead and do what you have to. I think one being unsatisfied is bad enough, but being in a relationship, which isn't up to par is a rough ass issue to deal with. I am no saint, but I believe in trying several different things before actually leaving shit alone.

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by No More Tears

What have you tried to do regarding feeling "Stuck?" If you have tried and after reasoning with yourself about the situation, and you are still feeling stuck and thinking harder than ever about divorce, maybe you should. I feel for you. I went through something similar, but I took the time to do what I am asking you to do "Weigh the situation carefully." Try to imagine where you want to be in your life and if you can see the two of you in it together. If you cannot see him making productive transitions with you, go ahead and do what you have to. I think one being unsatisfied is bad enough, but being in a relationship, which isn't up to par is a rough ass issue to deal with. I am no saint, but I believe in trying several different things before actually leaving shit alone.

So glad your caring. I just feel stuck as far as feeling like a prisoner and the void that he is not here. I've weighed the positive possibilities and also the pros and cons and he has more pros than cons. He was and still is the best husband but I just feel I'm stuck at this feeling of being imprisoned with him and I don't want to like or feel like this. In my life I want to move in the way God wants to deliver me but Marriage is not made to be alone other then death. A 15 year sentence and parole in 2018 and this is 2012. I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster and I want off. I thought that getting a divorce would be a piece of cake and it's not. It hard for me to stay and even harder for me to walk away. I can't get the courage to do it. I see us together when he comes home but life goes on and what am I to do? This life just horrible. 15 minutes of phone time, 2 hour weekend visits, letters and still when I wake up and when I go to bed I'm still alone do what am I to do?

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by West1259

I believe we do it becuase we are still stuck on when they were here and what we see as "good" times

*** I think you are so right, because that's all you tend to fall into talking about is when you were here, if you were here/home and then they go into when I was home or if I was home and when I come home. But at then end of the day IF means your NOT here and WHEN we don't know when that will be and at some point we have to make a decision if we want to live a lonely life. I have made the decision not to do so. ***

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by missudaddy

ive been working on this ? in therapy and have come to realize that 1. my self esteem is in the toilet and 2. the fact that i never had a dad growing up has me stay in destructive relationships so that my kids can call someone daddy. it makes me sick to think about it. y is it so hard to choose no daddy over bad daddy??

*** I don't think all prison relationships have anything to do with low self-esteem. SOme of us was withour husbands before they went in and stay because of the love. Now If you MWI that diffrent and kind of hard to understand but every reason is diffrent for every person. I will be getting therapy as well but not on self-esteem I just thought I could handle it and it would work but I am not going to be lonely on a 15 year sentence and parole in 2018 and this is 2012. Marriage is not meant to be alone unless it's through death. It's not the fact that we give up on them or means we lvoe them anyless it just means life goes on out here and after a while this prison wife life gets tiring at some point. The prison my husband is in have yearly seminars and I attended my 1st one this year but at the end of the day when it's all over although we have spent 3 long days in the prison with our husbands we still go home alone when it's all over and I think we all deserve HAPPINESS. And there are those who are content in waiting a 10 to life and I commend them for doing so but alot of us will not continue to wake up alone and the husband/bofriend tends to miss years and years of holidays, anniversaries, etc, so do we pretend they don't exist? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I was like I wish these years hurry up and pass by do he can come home, but I realized they are not going to pass by any faster then what they are suppose to and how God want them to so I am going to live my life and be happy with or without him because at the end of the day "life goes on". ***

[MsPrettiJackson]

Originally Posted by No More Tears

I think we hold on to those miserable things because we love them, we have hope that they will change.We tend to drag on instead of letting go. In addition, we want to prove others wrong. Many family members and friends tell us that they are not worthy of us, but we set our minds to fixing the man, but it does not work. So now we're stuck in something that we should have never gotten into in the first place.

*** Oh my goodness you must have been reading my mind. WELL SAID!!! But at this point I don't care anymore what his friends and family think. I already told all of them if I decide to be with someone else oh well don't be shocked that's why I'm telling you now and if you don't like me oh well. Hell they not doing nothing for him noway. I am the one that visits every weekend, write and puts money on his books and all that. He has 1 brother that puts money on his books on a regular basis. But I told my husband that too. You have a 15 year sentence and ypu just want me to wait 15 years with nothing or nobody, he's like yes if you can well I can't and I'm not. We only live life once and life is not meant to be alone. But thanks so much for this post. ***