The real deal?

[arandomgrl]

Hello ladies,

I hope that I'm posting this in the right place. My husband was arrested the night of June 15th for domestic violence. Rather than trying to have the no contact order lifted or bail him out of jail I have taken this time to step back, breath, and figure out how I want to proceed. Here's what happened that night..

I got home from work and shortly after that we began arguing. I can't even remember what started the argument but at one point I looked him straight in the eye and told him that I don't love him or want him anymore. I didn't really mean it at the time, I was just angry and trying to hurt him. Well, my comments set him off and he grabbed me by the throat pressing me into the wall. After a few seconds he let go and I walked away into the bedroom. He followed me in there and we talked calmy for a few minutes. He told me he was sorry, he loved me, etc etc but I was too upset over the choking thing and just refused to listen to what he had to say. I kept telling him I didn't love him and to get out of my life. He decided he was going to go for a drive and reached into my purse for my debit card. I told him he could take my car but he was not taking my debit card. He said he needed it for gas and I told him there was plenty of gas in my car and that he was not taking my card. He was not happy, but put the card back in my purse. We argued some more and I can't remember what was said at that time, but as he was in my face arguing he kept spitting on me unintentionally. So I yelled at him to stop spitting in my face then he actually spit in my face on purpose. I reacted badly and slapped him accross the face. Big mistake! He punched me in the side of the head a couple of times and when I dropped to the ground he continued punching the back of my head about 10 more times. I was hysterical and started pleading for him to leave. I told him he could take my card, my whole puse, whatever he wanted. After a lot of coaxing he finally left, without my debit card but he did take my company cell phone and the router for the internet. As soon as he left the house I got on my personal cell phone and called the police. The police came and talked to me about it and my husband was on his way home when he saw an officer parked in front of our house. Rather than stopping he just drove on by and the officer went after him but my husband didn't stop. After a while my husband called me. I told him it was worse for him if he runs and he told me that he loves me, and he was not mad at me for calling and to put him on the phone with the officer. He told the officer he was coming back. He did, and they caught him a little ways up the street. He was arraigned the following Monday and they refused to let him out on OR because he has nowhere else to go but home. So, he's been sitting in jail waiting for his pre-trial which is tomorrow. He has an assault charge, 3 counts of DV in front of a minor (my kids were there) and a felony for evading.

Now I'm not going to make excuses for my husband, but I think you should know that he has bi-polar disorder and has been off his medication for at least a year since we cannot afford it. Now on to why I'm in this forum...

I have been reading DV info online and through all the posts in this forum. I do not want to be another statistic or another woman who just sticks around for 20 years being a door mat. However, I am really struggling because time and time again I am reading about the patterns of the abuser. How he starts off with snide comments, then maybe hurts you "accidentally" and then onto the full fledged abuse. The problem is, none of this describes my husband. He never puts me down, ever. He makes me feel amazing. He compliments me all of the time. He doesn't try to control who my friends are or who I can and can't communicate with. He doesn't control the money. He lets me go out with my girlfriends and doesn't keep track of my mileage or call me constantly harassing me. Before Friday our marriage was super happy, other than the occassional argument that every couple has.

Is there any chance that this was an isolated incident? If I'm able to come up with a way to pay for his medication do you think I could prevent it from happening again? Is my husband REALLY and abuser, or did he just make an awful mistake?

I'm sorry for the novel, I am just really hoping to gain some insight from you ladies with experience. If my marriage has hope I want to work on it. But if I'm just fooling myself and Friday was only the beginning of a downward spiral then I don't want to delay the inevitable.

[nimuay]

First thing, stop and breathe. Ten or twenty slow, deep breaths.

You have time to figure out what you need to do for you and what he needs to do for him.

Bi-polar is not necessarily a good reason for assault. It sounds like both of you have been kind of sliding around whatever real issues there are in the relationship. The stress of just surviving can do that, but you can't continue that way.

One of the things you have to learn is to fight fair (there's a list of rules if you google that) and stay away from the demeaning and threatening words that light both your fuses.

Will it happen again? Well, depending on what kind of deal he ends up getting, you have time to go to the local domestic abuse agency and get a danger assessment done, and get some counseling for you and the kids. They may have some really good information for you, as well as suggestions to help you along.

You don't have to know yet what direction the path will turn . . . just get healthy for now. Make decisions as you develop more information.

[Free Again]

Just a couple of lil things niggling at me here.... I was bipolar, was treated for it for half my life. six cycles of ECT's did an amazing thing for me, helped me stop the mouse in the wheel that was my mind until then. The thing is, I could be violent whilst manic, I could be violent whilst depressed, I could also be violent during "normal" phases. It was a personality trait that I possessed and still do, I just have the maturity and will power to control it now that I did not back then. I channeled it pretty well when I was young and chose being a bouncer in night clubs as a profession so, I had that outlet. My point being, I am unsure that the violence he displayed can be "blamed" on the bipolar.

The second lil itch is the fact that you say he has never been controlling but when he left, he took YOUR phone AND the router.... This means that while not "perfected" he was still trying with forethought to cut you off.

[photoholic808]

I teared up when I read this.. sounded like my ex- bipolar no medicine.. he loves me .. he get angry wants to take my debit card..
and than hits you in front of your kids.. I still member my abuser screaming to me at the top of his lungs put the baby in the bed and come into the living room so I can beat your ass.. my daughter clutching to me for dear life crying.. I was crying..a ll I could think about was her.. and I took a deep breathe and tried to remain as calm as i could..butI know she could feel my fear and my heart beating through my chest..
it is not an easy journey..but stay strong..
and continue reaching out for support

Originally Posted by arandomgrl

Hello ladies,

I hope that I'm posting this in the right place. My husband was arrested the night of June 15th for domestic violence. Rather than trying to have the no contact order lifted or bail him out of jail I have taken this time to step back, breath, and figure out how I want to proceed. Here's what happened that night..

I got home from work and shortly after that we began arguing. I can't even remember what started the argument but at one point I looked him straight in the eye and told him that I don't love him or want him anymore. I didn't really mean it at the time, I was just angry and trying to hurt him. Well, my comments set him off and he grabbed me by the throat pressing me into the wall. After a few seconds he let go and I walked away into the bedroom. He followed me in there and we talked calmy for a few minutes. He told me he was sorry, he loved me, etc etc but I was too upset over the choking thing and just refused to listen to what he had to say. I kept telling him I didn't love him and to get out of my life. He decided he was going to go for a drive and reached into my purse for my debit card. I told him he could take my car but he was not taking my debit card. He said he needed it for gas and I told him there was plenty of gas in my car and that he was not taking my card. He was not happy, but put the card back in my purse. We argued some more and I can't remember what was said at that time, but as he was in my face arguing he kept spitting on me unintentionally. So I yelled at him to stop spitting in my face then he actually spit in my face on purpose. I reacted badly and slapped him accross the face. Big mistake! He punched me in the side of the head a couple of times and when I dropped to the ground he continued punching the back of my head about 10 more times. I was hysterical and started pleading for him to leave. I told him he could take my card, my whole puse, whatever he wanted. After a lot of coaxing he finally left, without my debit card but he did take my company cell phone and the router for the internet. As soon as he left the house I got on my personal cell phone and called the police. The police came and talked to me about it and my husband was on his way home when he saw an officer parked in front of our house. Rather than stopping he just drove on by and the officer went after him but my husband didn't stop. After a while my husband called me. I told him it was worse for him if he runs and he told me that he loves me, and he was not mad at me for calling and to put him on the phone with the officer. He told the officer he was coming back. He did, and they caught him a little ways up the street. He was arraigned the following Monday and they refused to let him out on OR because he has nowhere else to go but home. So, he's been sitting in jail waiting for his pre-trial which is tomorrow. He has an assault charge, 3 counts of DV in front of a minor (my kids were there) and a felony for evading.

Now I'm not going to make excuses for my husband, but I think you should know that he has bi-polar disorder and has been off his medication for at least a year since we cannot afford it. Now on to why I'm in this forum...

I have been reading DV info online and through all the posts in this forum. I do not want to be another statistic or another woman who just sticks around for 20 years being a door mat. However, I am really struggling because time and time again I am reading about the patterns of the abuser. How he starts off with snide comments, then maybe hurts you "accidentally" and then onto the full fledged abuse. The problem is, none of this describes my husband. He never puts me down, ever. He makes me feel amazing. He compliments me all of the time. He doesn't try to control who my friends are or who I can and can't communicate with. He doesn't control the money. He lets me go out with my girlfriends and doesn't keep track of my mileage or call me constantly harassing me. Before Friday our marriage was super happy, other than the occassional argument that every couple has.

Is there any chance that this was an isolated incident? If I'm able to come up with a way to pay for his medication do you think I could prevent it from happening again? Is my husband REALLY and abuser, or did he just make an awful mistake?

I'm sorry for the novel, I am just really hoping to gain some insight from you ladies with experience. If my marriage has hope I want to work on it. But if I'm just fooling myself and Friday was only the beginning of a downward spiral then I don't want to delay the inevitable.

[bumblebee37]

Originally Posted by photoholic808

I still member my abuser screaming to me at the top of his lungs put the baby in the bed and come into the living room so I can beat your ass.. my daughter clutching to me for dear life crying.. I was crying..a ll I could think about was her.. and I took a deep breathe and tried to remain as calm as i could..butI know she could feel my fear and my heart beating through my chest..
it is not an easy journey..but stay strong..
and continue reaching out for support

That just pissed me off and hurt my feelings that you and your children went threw that.