Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

ohsweetmaryjane · #1 06-23-2012, 06:17 PM

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and about six months into the relationship, he got locked up. Before he was locked up, I met his mother and maybe his brother a couple times. Well since he got locked up, I've gotten really close with his mother and his one sister-in-law. I'm in contact with both of them pretty much every day. I love both of them, I really do.

So now I am invited to his family functions. Which is really nice of his mother to consider me part of the family. So I went to a family party about a month ago. It went okay, but its like, I don't know anyone, and they don't bother to try to get to know me. Some of them literally didn't say hello to me or they were introduced to me and then acted like I was invisible - no contact no nothing. I went to another family function today and while it was a little better, the bottom line is that no one but my boyfriend's mother and sister-in-law even interact with me at all. It is so awkward. I have severe social anxiety to begin with, like, all morning since 7am, my stomach was in knots about having to go. And yes, I know that I didn't "have" to go, but it was his sister-in-law's baby shower and it wouldn't have been right for me not to go at all.

I guess it just boils down to I feel like an outsider.

I feel like I am the "prison girlfriend" and no one sees our relationship as legitimate? Or maybe that is me projecting my stuff on them. The fact is that with my social anxiety, I can barely drag myself to these events, let alone go up and start conversations with complete strangers. And honestly, I do feel like THEY should come up and talk to ME. I mean, at least ask me how he is doing. I don't even have a starting point for a conversation with any of them, you know?

So I talked to my boyfriend and he told me that its causing me too much stress and to stop going to his family functions until he gets out -- which, with that bad news we just got (a whole other issue) could be like a year. He told me that when his mom asks me to go, to just say that I'm busy. He said to just go out to dinner with his mom/sister-in-law and keep in contact with them that way. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I wish I wasn't so crazy and anxious and then I could go without a problem, you know?

I'd really like some feedback. Do you guys go to family functions? Do you feel like an outsider? I realize that our situation is a little different maybe because I didn't know his family AT ALL before he was incarcerated, even though we were together.

Purplegirl1008 · #2 06-23-2012, 07:08 PM

I feel you on the social anxiety! I have it pretty bad and I hate going to functions where no one talks to me. And I don't like starting conversations.
I've met his brothers and am supposed to be meeting his mom and grandma (not sure who else) on Monday cuz his mom is having surgery and they invited me to the hospital. I'm sooo nervous! Not sure what I'm going to say and I hope it's not awkward.
I don't have any advice really just wanted to say I hope it gets better for you!

BAHK · #3 06-23-2012, 07:17 PM

Hey, sorry to hear your having these problems. One thing my boyfriend has said to me which I've found so so true is "When your locked up people forget about you, the things and people that are important to you, they think you'll be inside forever and they forget its temporary". He has told me not to go to family functions either because he knows how they'll be especially because I know none of them too. My advice would be to stay close to his mother and sister in law and wait until he's out to get to know the rest. Its especially hard with your social anxiety so I don't think you should force yourself into uncomfortable situations when they can be handled in the future with the support of your man

. Keep smiling and remember this is only temporary!

All the best x

InmateLover67 · #4 06-23-2012, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohsweetmaryjane

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and about six months into the relationship, he got locked up. Before he was locked up, I met his mother and maybe his brother a couple times. Well since he got locked up, I've gotten really close with his mother and his one sister-in-law. I'm in contact with both of them pretty much every day. I love both of them, I really do.

So now I am invited to his family functions. Which is really nice of his mother to consider me part of the family. So I went to a family party about a month ago. It went okay, but its like, I don't know anyone, and they don't bother to try to get to know me. Some of them literally didn't say hello to me or they were introduced to me and then acted like I was invisible - no contact no nothing. I went to another family function today and while it was a little better, the bottom line is that no one but my boyfriend's mother and sister-in-law even interact with me at all. It is so awkward. I have severe social anxiety to begin with, like, all morning since 7am, my stomach was in knots about having to go. And yes, I know that I didn't "have" to go, but it was his sister-in-law's baby shower and it wouldn't have been right for me not to go at all.

I guess it just boils down to I feel like an outsider.

I feel like I am the "prison girlfriend" and no one sees our relationship as legitimate? Or maybe that is me projecting my stuff on them. The fact is that with my social anxiety, I can barely drag myself to these events, let alone go up and start conversations with complete strangers. And honestly, I do feel like THEY should come up and talk to ME. I mean, at least ask me how he is doing. I don't even have a starting point for a conversation with any of them, you know?

So I talked to my boyfriend and he told me that its causing me too much stress and to stop going to his family functions until he gets out -- which, with that bad news we just got (a whole other issue) could be like a year. He told me that when his mom asks me to go, to just say that I'm busy. He said to just go out to dinner with his mom/sister-in-law and keep in contact with them that way. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I wish I wasn't so crazy and anxious and then I could go without a problem, you know?

I'd really like some feedback. Do you guys go to family functions? Do you feel like an outsider? I realize that our situation is a little different maybe because I didn't know his family AT ALL before he was incarcerated, even though we were together.

I would like to know why you cannot say to his Mom and SIL that the others family members don't talk to you, so you feel incomfortable going, unless your man is there? Why do you have to tell them you are busy, just be honest.

I am sorry they are doing that, but it is nice that you and his Mom and SIL get along. Be thankful you have them and if it keeps bothering you, then don't go.

Peace~

pjnjclyn · #5 06-23-2012, 08:16 PM

I understand how you feel I can not stand going to family functions. I have been married awhile now and I do not like going at all, I have always felt like I am an outsider and do not fit in and that is not his families fault I feel the same way when I have to be around my own family I do not like groups of people. I get the same way knots in my stomach and everything I have to force myself to go.
If your boyfriend does not expect you to go then do not put yourself through the stress if you are not comfortable.

MRS.GRIFFIN · #6 06-23-2012, 09:29 PM

Sorry to hear that, when i would go to family gatherings, heck no one would talk to me. Hell i pull out my cell phone,check my e-mails, call people. Then when they do come over and talk, that's when i would put my phone down and talk. But if your man says just keep up with his mom and sister-in-law, do what he says...he's knows his family best. Good luck!!!!!!!!

ohsweetmaryjane · #7 06-24-2012, 07:50 AM

Thank you for all the feedback, and it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who feels like an outsider at these family functions. I don't want to hurt his mother's feelings when she invites me places, so I will have to handle the situation delicately when the next invite arrives. My boyfriend says that it won't be until Thanksgiving or Christmas probably. We will see.

Oh and I am DEFINITELY grateful that I love his sister-in-law and mother so much. Especially his mother. I hear so many horror stories about mother-in-laws (and that is what she will be one day when we get married) and I am happy that I already love mine so much.

tsears1 · #8 06-24-2012, 08:14 AM

I have the same issues. But I feel even worse about mine. Right before my LO got locked up in May his little brother passed away. Unfortunately, he drowned and wasn't found until several weeks later once LO was upstate for reception. They body had to be cremated and funeral home charges we too expensive for the family so they decided to have a memorial service at the mother's house. There was one aunt in the family who found me on FB and reached out for me to let my LO know what was going on. Because none of them can contact him in prison. However mom, sister, ad brothers although he told them to stay in contact with me never reached out.

His aunt invited me to the memorial service which I thought would be nice for me to attend on my LO's behalf. However when the time came I did not go. I spoke to my LO on the phone earlier in the day and I said I was just really nervous about going. One, because I wouldn't really know anyone except his mom and two brothers who I only met one or two times before for a short period of time. Also, the family is 100% puerto rican, so it's difficult for me to communicate with them because I'm straight white. I was also worried my LO's baby moms was going to be there, and she's a nasty B who hates me and I didn't want to cause drama during a service. And lastly, I just felt like me going would come off as some type of presumptuous. Because his mom didn't invite me his aunt did, and I was scared his family would be like why is SHE here? So I told this all to my LO and he said he understood and I didn't have to go if I didn't want to.

Well, last night, I did a three way call for my BF so that he could speak with his mother. We discovered if I put the home phone and my cell phone on speaker phone it works quit nice

Well when I talked to his mother the first thing she said in her broken English was, "You didn't come to the memorial service. We had it you know?" I FELT HORRIBLE. I explained to her I was nervous about coming and she said she understood but I still feel horrible.

Like I really F-ed up. I had the opportunity to do something good and I basically was a big pussy and didn't go. I feel selfish like I let my emotions get in the way of something that wasn't even about me. Now I feel like I should do something to make up for it.

I haven't expressed these feelings to my man yet either because he had to get off the phone. But I'm also curious to see what his thoughts are.

Was I completely wrong and should I feel this horrible? And what could I do to make up for it?

bitcherella · #9 06-24-2012, 09:00 PM

My son is often gone for weeks at a time. His girlfriend and I are pretty close. I invite his girlfriend to family functions. I always try and make a special effort to keep her close by so she doesn't feel awkward. If she told me she felt uncomfortable going...I would completely understand. If she kept telling me she was busy...I might think it was something I had done.

DP's Girl · #10 06-24-2012, 09:21 PM

I would not tell his mom and sil I was busy because they may start to feel like you're avoiding them. It's always better to be honest. I always go to Dee's family functions. It's easier for me because even the people who don't know me personally know my family. It may help you feel more comfortable if you talk with your bf about the people who will be there that way you will have a starting point for conversation. When I go to gatherings I give his family messages from him. That helps those who don't know me connect and it also keeps them from forgetting him. When attending I always sign the card and book in both of our names. I hope you find a way to comfortable continue to interact with his family.

chrisnlove · #11 06-24-2012, 09:36 PM

I understand what you are saying. I have a black boyfriend I am very close with mom, grandma, brothers & sisters and there partners. Family reunion was scary for me as well he was gone his mom asked me to come I agreed. If I walked to get a drink i introduced myself to people around when I got food introduced myself until I felt I had spoke to everyone as family left they hugged me bye some got my email and some got my number. I told him he was so happy. I have to be honest we have done Christmas at our house before there was several people there i did not know and didnt speak to I should have. I am saying maybe try again maybe you introduced yourself. You got mom on your team so jump in you have nothing to lose!!!

Bigbirdsgirl83 · #12 06-24-2012, 10:02 PM

I met some of his family members before I met him and am close to his family although his mom still has trouble realizing we are together I do what I can to help and be there for his family..... if there is a family party I'm always invited as is my roommate and her daughter (our niece) his mom adores her and spoils her plus his mom always makes sure everyone introduces themselves to me and we always have a blast and some kind of drama but I wouldn't trade it for the world