Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

rodnjcv · #1 06-15-2012, 07:41 PM

this is alwas my question and am trying to figure this out ? my hubby whenever was single been back n forward in jail is like is turning in a bad habit., now am married to him and ofcourse I don't want him to go back there! whenever he migh get out on parole!! is gonna be hard job.........

**LifeTraveler** · #2 06-15-2012, 08:06 PM

It's not up to you to keep him out of jail. He has to make the decision that the prison life is not for him anymore, and that it's time for him to stand up and do the right thing. You can love him and support him, but you can't make him to what he needs to do for himself.

nlt1218 · #3 06-19-2012, 07:13 PM

Amen! I feel the best we can do is be supportive and encourage prosocial behavior. And be very clear what your expectations are. I tell my boyfriend that I doubt I'll ever stop loving him but that I absoluty will not be with him if he ever goes back in, or even does things that could get him sent back in. I have no problem being with a felon but I won't be with a criminal. There's a difference!

juss me6 · #4 06-19-2012, 07:20 PM

You can only guide him and give him your opinion on the matter you can't prevent it. They make their choices. If they go back it their own fault no one elses

rodnjcv · #5 06-19-2012, 11:06 PM

Am agree with all of you, but I think society and the sistem is making harder for them even if they want to change his life style, example most of the jobs require criminal backgrounds and sometimes even the most ordinary jobs out there, so all what they're doing is putting stress and super low selfsteam on them.,

Leowoman · #6 06-19-2012, 11:32 PM

My hubby served out in September 2009. He couldn't find a job due to his felonies mostly and his lack of job history or any skills beyond a high school diploma so he got a felony for not paying his child support and is now on probation. Trust me, he was not happy about that. When he served out he was so determined he was done with jail/prison and that life, but he just keeps haunting us. He was on his way to a job interview not long ago and got put in jail for not paying his child support on his other child. Luckily they let him out after we borrowed and paid $1000. Thankfully, he finally has a job, but he still has 11 plus years hanging over his head if anything happens to this job. Anyway, I guess my point is, you don't always get a choice in the matter but when he gets out just do the best you both can to do what's right. I got chastised by some in here on another thread when I said I wouldn't stick around if my man robbed a bank and went back to prison but I would if he went back for the child support so I like what was said about I don't mind being with a felon but I won't be with a criminal. Doesn't mean I won't still love him but I'm not putting myself through that hell for someone who choses to continue their bad behavior. I wish you both the best!

Straight · #7 06-20-2012, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodnjcv

Am agree with all of you, but I think society and the sistem is making harder for them even if they want to change his life style, example most of the jobs require criminal backgrounds and sometimes even the most ordinary jobs out there, so all what they're doing is putting stress and super low selfsteam on them.,

Seems like society always gets blamed.

I'm society, and I didn't do anything to this person, or your LO. Please stop blaming me.

I'm sure you wouldn't find and hire a hitchhiker to babysit. You'd want to know a little about the person before leaving them with your baby, wouldn't you?

Isn't that a background check?

If I do things that show I'm a risk, then it's not the employers fault that they don't rush to me with open arms.

We all do things that make us stand out, in one way or another, and we don't get to selectively hide what we don't like about us. High school drop out, car jacker, shoplifter, dishonorable discharge... we have to carry our own baggage.

Best of luck. I sincerely mean that. But please stop blaming me.

nlt1218 · #8 06-20-2012, 02:27 PM

No, that's absolutely true. Well maybe not society, but the system. You come out with a record, and that makes it harder to find a job, housing, etc. In some cases you are legally barred from certain jobs or housing. People should pay for their crimes, but it doesn't help ANYONE for them to be denied the opportunity to make a good life. If you don't want to be blamed, write your senator or give someone a chance. My boyfriend always worked in prison and he also learned a trade ...he was fortunate to have a job who gives felons a chance, and he still works there almost 2 years later. He works his butt off, I have never met a better employee...but he also has to pay parole fees and restitution, and overpays for crappy housing because they're felon friendly. He isn't this way about it, but I could understand if someone said screw this, the joint is easier. And that doesn't stopcrime.

InmateLover67 · #9 06-20-2012, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodnjcv

this is alwas my question and am trying to figure this out ? my hubby whenever was single been back n forward in jail is like is turning in a bad habit., now am married to him and ofcourse I don't want him to go back there! whenever he migh get out on parole!! is gonna be hard job.........

First of all, it is not your job to see to it that he keeps his nose clean! Only he can control that and no amount of love and devotion on your part will keep him from getting into trouble. Hun, he has to make a choice to do things the right way....do NOT make it your job to see to it that he stays out....you will kill yourself doing that!

Take care of yourself, maybe look into some local codependents anonymous meetings in your area....That way, you will not be consumed by what he does and when....hope it all works out and he does stay out of trouble.

Peace~

Straight · #10 06-20-2012, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nlt1218

If you don't want to be blamed, write your senator or give someone a chance.

Really? It's my fault?

I didn't say "If you want a good job, if you don't want a record, if you don't want to have to hope for 'a second chance', if you don't want your history of actions to haunt you, then listen to society and don't be a criminal."

I could have. But I didn't.

nlt1218 · #11 06-20-2012, 04:47 PM

You're definitely not making yourself part of the solution, so I'd say you're part of the problem. I'm a stickler for rules and I don't appreciate people breaking them, which is probably why I've never been in legal trouble...but I also see no reason to want to punish someone their whole life for it when they do. Until time machines are invented, that's the only way a person can lead a productive life.

nlt1218 · #12 06-20-2012, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodnjcv

Am agree with all of you, but I think society and the sistem is making harder for them even if they want to change his life style, example most of the jobs require criminal backgrounds and sometimes even the most ordinary jobs out there, so all what they're doing is putting stress and super low selfsteam on them.,

You're not alone in thinking that! I see that all of the time, I was starting to realize that before I had ever even really known someone who had done time in prison. Then I met my boyfriend and it's re-enforced all the time. I do believe he will make a better life for himself than he thinks is possible because of his past. However, the system sure doesn't help people succeed.

Scoobs · #13 06-20-2012, 07:46 PM

He's a grown man and you can't control him but what u can do is keep him busy. Join a gym together, go to church functions, assign chores for him lol, make a schedule or routine for everything. Surround yourself with happy and positive people. If he has a job that's great, but if not be his biggest supporter and best friend.

Straight · #14 06-21-2012, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nlt1218

You're definitely not making yourself part of the solution, so I'd say you're part of the problem. I'm a stickler for rules and I don't appreciate people breaking them, which is probably why I've never been in legal trouble...but I also see no reason to want to punish someone their whole life for it when they do. Until time machines are invented, that's the only way a person can lead a productive life.

Just a reality check here, but he's not mine to raise, and I have my own problems, just like he does.

So if I'm part of his problem for not hiring him, then that makes him part of my problem for not being as employable as he could have been.

No one owes him a job. No one owes me a job. No one owes me a chance. I have to earn it. Just like everyone else.

nlt1218 · #15 06-21-2012, 06:49 PM

So when will you have earned it? And when will convicted felons have? Is there a checklist? I'd like to keep one on hand just in case he were to lose his job!

nlt1218 · #16 06-21-2012, 06:50 PM

And I'm just curious Straight, what brings you to PTO? Are you a felon? Or is someone you love one?

Straight · #17 06-22-2012, 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nlt1218

And I'm just curious Straight, what brings you to PTO? Are you a felon? Or is someone you love one?

No, there's no checklist for any of us. High school grads, college grads, high school drop-outs, rocket scientists, bank robbers... no checklist. It would be nice, though.

Being a felon doesn't move you to the front of the jobs line. LOTS of people are having a hard time getting a job. Some with records, and some without. You have to compete with the people that show up. There's nothing new about that.

The one that gets the job is generally the one that best prepared for it. Nothing new there, either.

As for what brings me here, that's personal. I don't feel an obligation to lay out the details of my life upon request.

Ericaburke · #18 06-27-2012, 08:05 AM

I don't know how my BIL is going to stay out of prison. He is a habitual DWI offender. His drinking is triggered by stress. He went from being a single man looking after himself to a married man with 3 step kids and twins of his own…9 months after getting married. That is a lot of responsibility all at once, and he has proven he is not up to the challenge since he has chosen to drink and drive instead of going home after work.

He said the twin boys constant crying was keeping him awake, so he just decided to stay away. I honestly hope he stays in prison for awhile. Let the boys grow up some, so maybe BIL can enjoy them when he gets out instead of resenting their presence.

gj07 · #19 07-06-2012, 02:12 PM

Straight, I do not agree on you on this at all and I do understand your attitude on this matter--believe me on that--for it is the very same attitude I once had before facing this world for the first time with a loved one after living a long life and thinking I had been so good as to have no family member ever sentenced to prison, or even come close.

I have now had to face a different world and I see the hardships that these people continue to pay after already paying their penalty in prison. A few years ago a person could move to another area and start over--but thanks to the internet those days are now over for these people.

Changes need to be made. A person that has paid his price to society does not need to be forever held back and denied employment. Yes, changes need to be made, maybe beginning with government employment--maybe city, county, and possibly state to begin with. We have got to start opening the doors to these people or our criminal list will keep growing (it is already way too high). If people cannot find a job, they will steal to live--that is anyone--you and I included.

We all need to get the word out. We need to write, write, write to all of our leaders and get our stories out. Change has got to happen and those of us that have seen it are the ones that can tell.

As for why you are here, I have also questioned this in my mind as this is suppose to be a site for support and I don't see that coming from you.

Kcouture7 · #20 07-07-2012, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodnjcv

this is alwas my question and am trying to figure this out ? my hubby whenever was single been back n forward in jail is like is turning in a bad habit., now am married to him and ofcourse I don't want him to go back there! whenever he migh get out on parole!! is gonna be hard job.........

My fiance went in when he was 17 and i was 15 and came home when he was 23 and i was 21. Needless to say, since we had known eachother before then and he was my first and my "puppy love" i thought we were going to be together forever. But we werent and when he went away i left him. It was only like 2 days after he came home that he found me. It was amazing. But then, i got pregnant and shit got real. We got a place he got a job. He got 3 jobs actually. I finished hair school and we had a beautiful baby boy.
Shit got hard again when his nephew came home and introduced him to suboxone. he stopped gettin up for work, he lost his job we lost our apt and had to move into seperate places or sleep on couches to stay together. I got pregnant again. And he robbed a gas station for money to buy stuff for the baby and i didnt kno about it, until it was aired on the news two days before my delivery date. He stayed one night in the hospital w me, then he was identified and had to leave i had police officers outside my door 24/7
Its so sad but since he went away, hes gotten clean and its like i have my man back. We talked and he told me that the only way that he could come home and stay clean and out of jail is if we go where no one knows us. He has to cut ties with the people who r bringing him down. And its true.
His nephew has since gone back to jail and come home again and when he came home his gf said she was goin to a clinic for suboxone so that he wouldnt get sick, as if he hadnt been clean a year already while in jail. He left her because he couldnt be with her and stay clean.
Sometimes u need to make decisions that may be hard to make but benefit you in the long run, and the people that really love you will understand

rodnjcv · #21 07-23-2012, 10:20 PM

agree... is up to them to stay out of trouble.., but once they are in the sistem that's it, whenever there are criminals walking free on the streets with college degrees and only because they have money and they can buy their freedom and more.... then what ., there's been preachers caught as as child molesters so why to judge guys than the only crime they have is being poor, because the reazon is can't found a job so they can their fees or support their family??? is all about money!!!