He broke up with me after 3 1/2 years - I need your support, ladies!

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by LoveYourself1st

I will speak from my own personal experience...

When my last relationship ended I was obsessed with it's demise. To me everything seemed to be going perfectly and when he ended things it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had SO many questions. The sorts of questions that will drive you insane. Did he no longer think I was pretty? Did I no longer turn him on? Was there someone else? Were the things he told me in the past sincere? ETC.

Even though he told me outright he needed space I refused to accept this. I felt because of our past he "owed" me answers. But the truth was I wasn't really concerned with answers. I just wanted to prolong contact with him because I wasn't ready to let him go. I felt if I didn't stay a constant presence in his life he would forget all about me and find a new girl and leave me in the dust.

But really it just prolonged my suffering. Looking back I can see all the time, feelings, and energy I wasted. I feel so much better being completely done with the situation then I did when I was clinging to the past.

Best luck to you. It takes a long time to heal a broken heart but they do heal

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I know that I can't seek answers indefinitely. I need to be done at some point or it will drive me crazy and prolong my suffering and the pain I feel just like you said.

This past week I have been taking a little bit of a break. It was a busy week for me anyways and at the end of the day I didn't have the emotional energy to get on here and comment on all those posts that have been written. Facing my own thoughts is not always easy. I spend almost every waking minute thinking about this break-up and the situation that I am in right now, so sitting down to think about it some more was just not something I could do for a few days.

I was truly overwhelmed and grateful for all of the support, the kind words, the opinions and the experiences that you all chose to share with me. In a way this forum is therapeutic for me. It truly helps me to stay sane sometimes as weird as that may sound. THANK YOU!

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Papatya

Germangirl, I totally understand the things you have done thus far. I think you have the RIGHT to have closure and getting all your questions answered, especially after being with him in a relationship for 3,5 years, you can not just end things with an email and not even give the other person involved the opportunity to ask questions. This is not right. So I don´t think it´s wrong at all that you have contacted the prison or his sister-in-law. If he would´ve given you the opportunity to talk to him you certainly wouldn´t have done that.

I want to share an experience I have made in regard to not getting answers,maybe it will be a little bit of help. I was once involved with someone (not in prison). Due to circumstances it was very complicated, so was his personality. We have never been in a relationship although both of us professed that we loved each other and it drove me crazy knowing I loved him, knowing he loved me but not becoming a couple. For some YEARS, whenever he contacted me or I contacted him, I would always come back to that subject and tried to get answers from him and I have NEVER gotten any answers!:-). Honestly over the years I didn´t even realise I had fallen out of love with him. What I couldn´t let go was not the love, it was not to know, what the reason was that we didn´t make it. It took damn long but I finally accepted that I will never know the answers to my questions. It was very frustrating and even more having wasted so many years of my life just because I couldn´t accept that he wouldn´t answer my questions. I think the main reason I couldn´t let go and wanted closure was that until then, especially when we fell in love with each other, was (what I thought) the best time of my life and I believed if I would know the reason why we didn´t make it, I could change it and make it work.

You definitely have a right to get answers to your questions but it doesn´t mean that he will act accordingly to your right, so if you don´t get them soon, you should try to let it go. I know it´s difficult and the pain will not go away immediately, but I promise you from my own experience, it will get better.

I wish you the best

Sorry for grammar and/or other mistakes, I´m not a native speaker.

Thank you for sharing as well... I agree with you! I deserve answers, but I think this is as much as I am going to get. he hasn't replied to my first letter and he hasn't written me back after the last email that I sent him.

I really don't understand why he is treating me like this now. I did EVERYTHING for him and I did absolutely NOTHING to be left with nothing but an email and a reluctant follow-up email, because I sought answers for myself and interfered with his plans.

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Jootje

There is a thin line between love and hate and if you keep reaching out to him (even though you mean it with all the best and all the true love for him in your heart), I think it may come across by now (to him) as desperate and I personally think you are closing more doors than you are wishing for instead of ever getting answers.

I am really sorry you are going through all this but I really do think for now you need to step back from it all and take a deep breath and try to move on, step by step, day by day and little by little because one thing that is for sure, as far as I can read between the lines in his reaction towards you, he is not changing his mind and have decided to move on without you.

Best of luck and I wish you all the strenght possible for you to get through this hurt and pain.

Thank you for your comment. In a way I really needed to hear this again. I don't want to be desperate for anybody and I don't want to come across that way. Not sure if I have been successful at it though.

I don't think that he hates me. He signed his last email with "Love, (his name)". He has no reason to hate me. I did nothing but unconditionally love and support him. I was always there for him... I was faithful and loyal and honest. I always tried to be my best self, constantly improving, striving to become a better person.

He doesn't hate me and I am done upsetting him by writing him more letters or email to seek answers that he is either not ready or not willing to give me.

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by aleshakm

I cant help but have the upmost respect for him, he truly loves you and did the right thing, by not wanting you to miss out on soo much in your life time waiting on him.......

A lot of people said that. One friend of mine who knew about him being in prison said to me "You always talked about him like he is the greatest guy on earth. Now that he let you go, I also believe that he's a good guy."

But I stick to what I have said from the very beginning: This is my life and my choice. I knew what I was getting myself into. In my letter to him I told him just that... here is a little excerpt, because I can't say it any better now:

"We have been together for 3 ½ years now and that is enough time to learn about your life and the circumstances that prison life brings to a relationship. Whenever I have talked to people about our relationship, one of the response I got was that they were surprised how realistic I am about it. Everybody acknowledged that I wasn’t going into something without having read the fine print. Trust me, I know about all the sacrifices, all the compromises, all the hardships that we will encounter along the way. In your letter you were saying that we fight a loosing battle and that we live in a fantasy world. I can assure you that I am not living in a fantasy world. What we have is real, our relationship is real, the feelings we have for each other are real! I am not living a dream, but a life with you as my partner. It is the most natural thing in the world for couples to have dreams and wishes for their future. Even without 20 years in prison there are couples that have long-term goals and dreams that are not easily reached or accomplished. Does that mean that they live in a fantasy world? I don’t think so! And what about the million other man and women who are in happy, fulfilling relationships with someone who is incarcerated? Do they all live in a fantasy world? Are their relationships – their love – any less meaningful just because one of them is behind bars?"

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Rachel C

I've read your thread for the past hour and a half. Wow I'm so sorry Germangirl. I think all of us realistically have had the same fear that you are now experiencing. There is not one thing in this world that's worse than rejection, it's even worse than death. I cannot imagine your pain right now all I can do is emphasize with you. I know for your own sake you needed that closure. No you're not stalking( how can you stalk an inmate anyways) him you were just concerned about his safety and well being. In our minds our LO just don't randomly decide one day to break things off with no seemingly good explanation and when it does happen our minds just don't grasp it's full meaning. Its our minds way of trying to shield us from a broken heart.
I think his last email was sort of your closure. Even though it didn't answer your questions or make your heart feel better it was indeed a goodbye. You might not ever get the answers you need, but you have to move on. When I say move on I'm not talking about moving on with a new man next week, but I am talking about giving your heart a chance to finally grieve. Before you were holding out on him changing his mind and the possibility of reconciliation , now you have that peace that you did everything you could to let him know that you still loved him and cared for his well being. Maybe it would be a good time to write him a goodbye letter as well, it will give you that final closure you know??
I wish you all the best Germangirl. I'm sorry your heart Is breaking right now. I still wish there was something I can say to make you feel better. Just give yourself time and be patient with yourself as well. What you're going through is one of life's greatest heartaches. Praying for you. Pm me anytime you like, you have a whole PTO family that is here for you.

Rachel C, when I read this for the first time it made tears come to my eyes. And even now - days later - I get emotional reading your post. Thank you so much for everything you said. I like that idea about writing him a goodbye letter. I don't know what I want to write in it yet, but it's a good idea for sure.

In a way, I want him to know that my door will always be open for him. When we first started writing each other (before we were a couple and in a committed relationship) I promised to believe in him and to always be there for him. I do not make those kind of promises lightly and I haven't broken them yet. I also don't intent to break them now. I don't know if my love for him will ever fade or go away... maybe it'll change into something else... whatever the case, I want him to know that my door is always open. 20 years is a long time and who knows how he thinks about all of this in a few months or even a year or more down the road.

I am not saying that I will wait for him to change his mind about us. I am just saying that I will always be there for him, wanting the best for him, wanting him to be happy!

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by pj663

GermanGirl,

I'm glad that he finally responded to you. I hope that his response gives you the answers that you looked for and the closure that you deserved. It's good to know that he has a head on his shoulders with regards to staying away from trouble and focusing on his life. This should give you some relief that he is acting responsibly and not acting out. I think that his sister in law dont want to be caught in the middle that should explain why he recieved all those emails regarding this matter. The one thing that stuck out was him complaining that he is trying to get out since everyone is comfortable with him being there. That's some bold words to say although I know you dont feel that way. He given you a full explanation it's not what you hoped for but now you know. The good thing is that he will be seeing his daughter maybe he will respond that you can come to visit as well who knows. He knew that you had plans yet he mention everything but your visit. Take a step back and let things calm down.

Yes, I am very glad that he is not doing anything foolish or getting himself in trouble. Him getting involved with a gang was very far-fetched, but I had to consider all possibilities. I am so very glad that he gets to see his daughter again, too. Even if he hadn't broken up with me and we were still planning for my visit at the end of July I would have gladly given up my visits for him to see his daughter.

I still don't think that his Mom and daughter will be there for two weekends in a row and take up all his points for July, but there is nothing I can do (unless I want to spend a lot of money and drive down to the prison and risk them not letting me in or him not showing up in the visiting room).

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by canadiangirl098

i am so sorry that it ended the way it has..sounds to me like he doesnt want to be friends even which would hurt...i was same way sort of with my bf when in the past he broke up with me and would ignore me cause he didnt want confrontation and i would email him asking him what happened finally i just gave up and didnt bother with him but thankfully he did contact me as a friend and we are back together but unfortunately it doesnt always work out that way and in your case doesnt sound like it will..the distance could be a factor plus the 20 years as well and also you getting his family involved i dont think helped matters either to even remaining friends that probably ticked him off...i know you wanted answers i have been there and done that..last year i knew my man was in jail but wasnt sure for how long (we were just friends) i wanted so badly to contact his sister and ask her questions and find out answers but i didnt i felt if he wanted me to know how long he was in jail for or know his address then he would somehow contact me and he did contact me through his sister i did this because i didnt want to make him mad by contacting his family...i would just leave him alone and try and move on and if in time he contacts you then great it was meant to be and maybe be friends but if not then you got your answer

Just a quick word to clarify... the only reason his sister-in-law contacted me to begin with was because she hadn't hear from him long enough to be concerned. I didn't contact them at all and I probably wouldn't have either. But maybe the silent treatment will eventually get me the answers I need. I still haven't given up the hope that he will contact me again in the future... to explain himself maybe or to apologize for the way he has treated me through all of this. He is a good guy and I know he knows how much he is hurting me with the way he is behaving. Trust me, he knows!

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by cottage style

wow hun, im so sorry that this is happening , i cant imagine how much you must be hurting right now, im so so sorry!! he does have a point if he is going to be in long term and you live in another country you cant be together every weekend or even every couple months, i can see his point but know if my man sent that to me i would be crushed.i hope and pray you get the very best that he wants for you , god bless and be with you sweetie.

Thank you for your kind words. We were doing long term and long distance, which of course isn't easy on any relationship. It was my highest priority to somehow make it possible for me to be closer to him... either through marriage or a job. The whole process is very difficult and long, but I was determined to figure it out and be by his side so that I could visit him often and establish more of a normal routine for us. That was my priority, because I knew we couldn't go on like this forever. Me being here, him being there... too much distance and too expensive to visit him as often as I would like.

He seemed to be on board with all of that as well. We talked about the visa stuff, he got his family involved, because we would have needed a sponsor for the visa stuff. Maybe it was too much for him... I still can't figure it out! How can you go from talking marriage one week to breaking up the next?

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Scoobs

Wow that must have been a tough pill to swallow but just remind him that although you all will no longer be in a relationship you'll still be in his corner no matter what. Sounds like you both love each other very much and to just walk away like nothin ever happened is hard. I say stick around even if only for moral support and help him to fall in love with you all over again. good luck

Your post made me smile... it was a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. He was the first person to ever love me for who I am. He loved me when I was at my worst physically and he saw who I really am. It is very difficult to accept that his love isn't mine anymore, that he is just gone and all I have left are memories that hurt more than heal. I am going to stick around just like I said in an earlier post. I will always be there for him - even if it's just as a friend.

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by ahora2012

i am so sorry that you are still hanging on - WHY? it is only hurting you - do you remember in one of your replies to me you said you would not beg him or hang onto ankles? you are doing both - it hurts - i know break ups are not nice neat and clean they are jagged, rough, torn and shredded edges of our heart - but you have to gather up your pride and stop communication. with everyone regarding him. he can not be any clearer - as painful as it is he is being clear. YOU ARE WORTH A MAN WHO LOVES YOU WITHOUT CONVINCING. you will get through it - i promise. i have been there - months of depression pleading with god to make the pain stop, for some sort of call or email from him, nothing will satisfy you in his response - bc its not what you want to hear - i pray that you see your worth and your value - as much as you will disagree - he is not worthy of your love devotion - the man worthy of that will reciprocate.

I agree with you. I am worth to be with someone without convincing. As much as it hurts, I don't want to be with someone, who doesn't want me anymore. My head knows that. My heart still has a hard time with it though.

[pj663]

Maybe his family could of had a influence on his decesion? How well did you know his sister-in law? I'm just asking because I agree with you I dont believe the two weekends in a row talk. Also I can imagine that getting a visa and making plans is difficult without the support of the family in the U.S.. I say maintain military silence ( love the saying Sometimes silence ia key I hate to sound like that but wow it's love and war if you have to go down dont be a casualty especially when you given him your very best

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Red_Honeyy

It takes a man to say what he did, and handle the situation in the manner he did. True it could have been discussed with you, but he knew you would try and talk him out of it. I know you know the saying If you love something sometimes you have to let it go- (that is how you show your love for them. .He knows what he can't give you and realize he dont want to be a reason you look on life with regrets.I know your hurt you want answers to your questions, but truth is they are already answered for you. Now your stuck with the pain and hurt, which only time can heal so give yourself some time to heal. If he comes back its up to you to accept him again if not don't view it as a lost just another lesson in life that you had to learn. I hope you heal and move on with your life remember your not incarcerated so don't live like it! Best of luck! <<hugs>>

Thank you for everything you said. I am definitely trying to learn from this experience. I spent some time thinking about mistakes I may have made or things I could have done or handled differently. I even went as far as to ask myself if I were to blame for this break-up.

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by mallafri

Wow, it sounds like he's going through some mental breakdown or something.... You don't just up and walk away from someone after 3 1/2 year together without some kind of "warning" or closure. Sorry, I don't know what advice to give you other than to try and give him some space and be there for him when he needs it.

This is exactly what I keep thinking, too! How can he just leave me so out of the blue without even talking to me about his concerns. Never once did he mention any doubts about our relationship or that something wasn't right or that he needed me to change in any way!

This is also something I told him in my letter to him and I am going to share this little paragraph as well, because it so accurately describes how I feel:

"You said a million times that you love me. You said that you miss me just as many times. Not so long ago you told me that you need me and that I mean the world to you. You said that you don’t ever want me to find out what life without you would be like. You said that you are perfectly happy with having me in your life. You said that you want to marry me… that you are looking forward to having me as your wife. You said that you are looking forward to our visit this summer and that you couldn’t wait to see me again. You promised to always be there for me. You promised to always love me. You promised to never intentionally hurt me. You promised to be by my side. You promised to give me your heart and now you are asking me to give it back. I can’t even begin to explain how much these words and promises are hurting right now. They are mocking me now, blatantly laughing into my face, hurting me worse than anything else ever could. How can you let me go if everything you said is true? How can you move on if I mean the world to you?"

[Jootje]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

Thank you for your comment. In a way I really needed to hear this again. I don't want to be desperate for anybody and I don't want to come across that way. Not sure if I have been successful at it though.

I don't think that he hates me. He signed his last email with "Love, (his name)". He has no reason to hate me. I did nothing but unconditionally love and support him. I was always there for him... I was faithful and loyal and honest. I always tried to be my best self, constantly improving, striving to become a better person.

He doesn't hate me and I am done upsetting him by writing him more letters or email to seek answers that he is either not ready or not willing to give me.

I am sure he does not hate you, his break up mail had love written all over it, but his second mail he sounded irritated because of you contacting his family, counselor and mailing him again. What I meant by "thin line between love and hate" is that by pushing and pushing (to you it is seeking for answers, to him it might be felt as pushing) you may turn his feelings of love into hate and by that you are closing all doors and chances on communication.

My heart really goes out to you, I understand that when someone makes you promisis for the future, tells you his love feelings that you never think about second guessing those words, especially after all the years you have been together. And I am sure he meant every word of it so that it is why it is behond comprehension why he broke up with you. None of us here understand so how on earth are you going to understand.

someone else here mentioned that if you love somebody to set them free. It is true but how the hell are you going to set that person free when all you are doing, besides hurting, it walking around with questions.
every one can tell you to take a deep breath, every one can tell you to take a step back from the situation, every one can telll you to concentrate on you but you are the one that is going to need to do that and that is just so hard and giving this situation a place in your life, mind and heart is going to take so much time.

My prayers are with you hun, and it will take a lot more tear shedding before you can think back without breaking down but if you were able to survive a life with a man locked up for so long you must be a very strong woman so I promise you that you will survive this page in your life as well!!!

[Candy4U]

Girl....Letting you go is the best thing he could of done for you and Thanked him for it... wish him luck and move on women out here in the free world could do without men in prison....

[LoveYourself1st]

GermanGirl_28 I just want to say that I think it is nice that you are responding to most, if not all, people who posted on the thread.

It is nice when someone asks for advice and they take the time to consider the advice given. I see a lot of threads where someone asks for input and then shoot down what everyone has to say. Of course you don't have to agree with anyone. It is just nice to know that your response is considered in a thoughtful manner.

Best luck in this hard journey.

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by LoveYourself1st

GermanGirl_28 I just want to say that I think it is nice that you are responding to most, if not all, people who posted on the thread.

It is nice when someone asks for advice and they take the time to consider the advice given. I see a lot of threads where someone asks for input and then shoot down what everyone has to say. Of course you don't have to agree with anyone. It is just nice to know that your response is considered in a thoughtful manner.

Best luck in this hard journey.

Thank you... this forum is really important to me and I value everything that is being said, even though I might not always agree. I am still not done commenting, but it was past midnight last night and I couldn't concentrate anymore. I will write some more tonight... there are a few more aspects I need to straighten out in my mind and I do that best by writing it down... especially regarding what Firebrand said.

[jandj10]

I'm truely sorry you are going through this hurt and pain. Im a mwi,my man has 2 yrs.to go and for me im ok with that,i was married i have 2 kids and i love my life the way it is,but without hurting you any more than you are already,let me tell you,my aunt ( R.I.P.) was married to a lifer for 20 yrs. she put her whole life on hold hoping one day he would come home on parole.Well thats not what happen,she had a baby with him raised her son without any help,worked fulltime, and saved her money to buy a home for her and her son,still hoping her love was going to come home one day,well it never happen. Her husband passed away in prison,my aunts heart was 100 percent broken,then her son moved away to start his life,again she was buy herself. My aunt passed away last aug, i wish she could have had a different road to travel. All im trying to say is he sounds like he truely does love you and he wants you to have everything in life. I wish you all the best....

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by jandj10

I'm truely sorry you are going through this hurt and pain. Im a mwi,my man has 2 yrs.to go and for me im ok with that,i was married i have 2 kids and i love my life the way it is,but without hurting you any more than you are already,let me tell you,my aunt ( R.I.P.) was married to a lifer for 20 yrs. she put her whole life on hold hoping one day he would come home on parole.Well thats not what happen,she had a baby with him raised her son without any help,worked fulltime, and saved her money to buy a home for her and her son,still hoping her love was going to come home one day,well it never happen. Her husband passed away in prison,my aunts heart was 100 percent broken,then her son moved away to start his life,again she was buy herself. My aunt passed away last aug, i wish she could have had a different road to travel. All im trying to say is he sounds like he truely does love you and he wants you to have everything in life. I wish you all the best....

Your aunt sounds like she was an awesome person with a lot of faith and hope for the happy end she always wished for. That takes a lot of strength and determination.

My relationship with him was a bit different... he has 20 years left on a federal sentence, no parole... just waiting until the 20 years are over. It's a long time, but I always looked at it as the beginning of the most wonderful time of our life. Until then I wanted to do everything in my power for us to have a normal life under the given circumstances. We could have been happy together even with him being behind bars! Unfortunately, he doesn't want to be part of the (my) outside world right now.

[HardHeadedWoman]

is there a possibility he may have been writing someone else and got to the point he had to choose? you hear of it alot and common. no matter how he broke up he knew you was going to be hurt and maybe opted to give you the "heartfelt" breakup versus the "im with someone else" version? I mean something is obviously going on for him to write that first letter out of the blue. And I can understand him being upset with you for contacting his family and ratting him out but generally a guy will fuss and cuss a few lines and then let it go instead of the nasty angry you got.

Either way he is obviously not changing his mind about reconciling and asked for no more contact. Take it as is and pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Dont let them see you sweat!

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by HardHeadedWoman

is there a possibility he may have been writing someone else and got to the point he had to choose? you hear of it alot and common. no matter how he broke up he knew you was going to be hurt and maybe opted to give you the "heartfelt" breakup versus the "im with someone else" version? I mean something is obviously going on for him to write that first letter out of the blue. And I can understand him being upset with you for contacting his family and ratting him out but generally a guy will fuss and cuss a few lines and then let it go instead of the nasty angry you got.

Either way he is obviously not changing his mind about reconciling and asked for no more contact. Take it as is and pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Dont let them see you sweat!

You know, I guess I can't rule out the possibility 100% that there is someone else in the picture. I highly doubt it though. Mostly because he sent all of his money to his sister-in-law with the intent to not even be in contact with them. How is he going to communicate with a possible new love interest without any money on his books? Even if there was someone else, it doesn't fit the big picture with him not wanting anything to do with the outside world.

I know I am gonna sound very stuck-up for saying this, but I honestly doubt that he will ever find someone who will be more loving, caring, loyal, faithful and honest with him than I was. That's why I am so caught up in seeking answers. If I did something to deserve this, then I wanna know what it is!

[Just Jen]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

You know, I guess I can't rule out the possibility 100% that there is someone else in the picture. I highly doubt it though. Mostly because he sent all of his money to his sister-in-law with the intent to not even be in contact with them. How is he going to communicate with a possible new love interest without any money on his books? Even if there was someone else, it doesn't fit the big picture with him not wanting anything to do with the outside world.

I know I am gonna sound very stuck-up for saying this, but I honestly doubt that he will ever find someone who will be more loving, caring, loyal, faithful and honest with him than I was. That's why I am so caught up in seeking answers. If I did something to deserve this, then I wanna know what it is!

I've read this whole thread, every single word. I've put myself in your shoes and I've cried bitter tears. I've put myself in his shoes and felt in helpless despair. Some of the responses you've received are just plain stupid and immature, in my honest opinion, from people who have very little insight into other people at all. There's a lot of speculation about other women, shady activity, reasons for his lying, blah blah blah. It is my opinion that he has given you all the answers to your questions. They just seem too simple to comprehend. Don't over think this. All of the love he has for you, and the things he spoke of wanting to share with you were all true. But to him it was a beautiful dream that got to happen in someone else's life. It wasn't meant to be for him; it was a broken dream that was shattered by a 20-year sentence. The two of you together have held tight to this sharp and twisted reality, and I really believe that he is not willing to watch you bloody your hands on this anymore. This isn't your sentence, and he won't let you serve it. If he seems cold and unfeeling now, I think it's just that he's had to put up brick walls to keep from breaking. It's a hard life in there, and he can't afford to be vulnerable. If you know the man, and you do, then you know that his motivations are true. Love him in the way that he has asked and walk away.

[Willove]

Hi GermanGirl,

like all others I have no clue what his reason is. A sort of depression seem to be a plausibly reason to me. Some people tend to shut all down if they're feeling small and down. I can't really give you an advice; just would holding up to insist on what he said in the past. I would give him a short break of writing, and would wait what happens.

I think at time it makes no sense for you trying to change his mind. The more efforts you make, the more he hardens on his decision. Point out for yourself a deadline until you keep quiet. Afterwards you could write again, without edging him, just ask for his well-being or so.

Sorry for you, it's a very bad experience you have to deal with.

Greetings

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Just Jen

I've read this whole thread, every single word. I've put myself in your shoes and I've cried bitter tears. I've put myself in his shoes and felt in helpless despair. Some of the responses you've received are just plain stupid and immature, in my honest opinion, from people who have very little insight into other people at all. There's a lot of speculation about other women, shady activity, reasons for his lying, blah blah blah. It is my opinion that he has given you all the answers to your questions. They just seem too simple to comprehend. Don't over think this. All of the love he has for you, and the things he spoke of wanting to share with you were all true. But to him it was a beautiful dream that got to happen in someone else's life. It wasn't meant to be for him; it was a broken dream that was shattered by a 20-year sentence. The two of you together have held tight to this sharp and twisted reality, and I really believe that he is not willing to watch you bloody your hands on this anymore. This isn't your sentence, and he won't let you serve it. If he seems cold and unfeeling now, I think it's just that he's had to put up brick walls to keep from breaking. It's a hard life in there, and he can't afford to be vulnerable. If you know the man, and you do, then you know that his motivations are true. Love him in the way that he has asked and walk away.

Wow... reading through the entire thing must have taken a while. Just for that you have my respect and appreciation. Thank you for commenting as well.

I think there is a little bit of truth in what you said. Maybe "our life" was a fantasy - a beautiful dream - and he couldn't bear not seeing it come true. You need to have a strong will and a vision for your future to carry on with a relationship such as ours where he has so much time left behind bars. I am actually surprised that he seems to struggle with that and that his solution was to let me go and give himself an "out". We could have made it work and we could have conquered anything and everything, but it takes two people to do that and both have to be invested 100%.

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by Willove

Hi GermanGirl,

like all others I have no clue what his reason is. A sort of depression seem to be a plausibly reason to me. Some people tend to shut all down if they're feeling small and down. I can't really give you an advice; just would holding up to insist on what he said in the past. I would give him a short break of writing, and would wait what happens.

I think at time it makes no sense for you trying to change his mind. The more efforts you make, the more he hardens on his decision. Point out for yourself a deadline until you keep quiet. Afterwards you could write again, without edging him, just ask for his well-being or so.

Sorry for you, it's a very bad experience you have to deal with.

Greetings

You are right... I understand now that there is no sense in pushing him any further to give me answers or to explain himself. I think I will definitely send him a birthday card and that won't be until October. Not sure if I will write something else sooner than that, but for now it is his turn if he chooses to take it...