Hi everyone, Father of son in VA prison

[fox_tek]

I'm a father, age 54 and my only son has been in for 3 1/2 yrs and has another 9+ to go. He's in VA, and although the facility is a good one, the Commonwealth of VA has absurd laws. Of course anyone who has a child in this system (run by Dept of Corr) knows they abolished the parole system and reduce time off for good behavior. This and the fact my son's case was not handled very well by made well-paid attorneys and there was a multitude of prejudice, the outcome is what it is. I'm still angry and have not dealt with this well. I've "lost" my son for what will be 13+ years and he is now only 26. Some of the best years of his life and a part of mine that I was hoping to spend with him is gone. He calls often and I know he is doing well. He teaches in the prison, goes to Bible study, exercises, reads a lot and generally is busy from 5am to 10pm every day. Does that make me feel better? Does that make the pain go away? Does that fill the hole in my heart? How can it? As a parent, this is the second worse thing that can happen to your child other than the loss of life.

So here I am, looking for some friends to share my story with and maybe help me get through the next 9+ years which feels like forever.

[Tyler's Momma]

fox tek,

I can understand everything you are saying. I too think that having a child away is the second worse thing to happen in their lives as well as ours as parents. Sometimes I feel it has been a death of some sort for my son and I...death of his youth, death of some of the best years of his life, death of a normal mother/son relationship, death of a normal life for us all, death of our family unit, etc. My son turned 20 yrs old in May of this year. He went into a trusty program at the local jail July 7, 2011 at the age of 19 and was supposed to serve 2 years with 18 yrs suspended of a 20 year sentence. In January 2012 a new sheriff was voted in and everything went to pot on my son's trusty program even though he was doing great and had already worked up to the highest position in the program within 5 months. The new sheriff was over a certain division that involved my son because of his arrest. There were accusations then my son got kicked out of the program and sent back to court the day before his birthday this year. The new sentence he received was two charges of 20 years to serve, 10 years suspended and 10 years to serve at the same time in prison. I'm still very hurt, angry, upset, emotional, confused, etc. because he would have been getting out July/August 2013. Now, DOC shows his tentative release date June 28, 2021! If I'm reading everthing correctly they haven't even given him credit for the time he has already served. I don't know when he will get out except 9 years from now. Yes, he did wrong but he had received his punishment and was serving it now all this happened because of lies and accusations. I can't get over the lives ruined. I'm sure you understand what I mean. I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for my son everyday and every night plus the all of the offenders he comes in contact with and rooms with, all CO's, employees at the prison, wardens, dupty wardens and anyone who may come in contact with my son. I feel I can't do anything physically to help or protect him so I pray, pray, pray.

Good luck to you and your son! Maybe I'll see you on here in the future.

[Here4Us]

Hi Fox. Welcome! Sorry for your circumstances, but glad you found this place. I am in VA as well, so I know what you mean about the laws here. I do believe VA is going backward rather than forward in many many ways. Very much a good old boy kinda state. Tyler's Mom--that's outrageous. My son's case is federal, and he hasn't been sentenced yet (next month), but we are looking at 10-15. Like you, I am 54. He's 26. I am beyond angry that the injustice system considers decades in prison as a just sentence for our kids. I'm not saying what he did wasn't wrong. It was. But he needs years of rehabilitation, not years of imprisonment. It breaks my heart to think about all the lost years--lost NORMAL years--ahead. (Yes, I know we have to see this as our new normal.) But if there's one thing I've learned from the folks here it's that I must take it a day at a time and stay as connected to him as I can. That's all I can do. Oh, and brace for the worst and hope for the best. That's my mantra these days. That and a lot a lot of prayer for everyone associated with our prison systems--inside and out. Keeping you all in my prayers.

[1bird2]

Welcome to the family Fox. The family you never wanted to become and member of...but the one that will help you on this wicked journey. You will find lots of love and support, encouragement, prayers, and HOPE....not to mention a lot of ANGRY OUTRAGED parents...trying to find a balance. (I keep one foot firmly planted in OUTRAGED...and the other in HOPE....both feet support my broken heart). Most of us are all too familiar with the INJUSTICE....
My son is in the Fed system....doing 10 yrs at 85%. I have a cousin in VA who got life...and yes indeed, Va is one tough state!
I am so thankful that your son is doing his time well....THAT MEANS A LOT!!! He is making the best of his time...and sets a very good example for all of us.
We will be here to cry with you, and laugh with you through tears....one day at a time....
It helps me to FIGHT, WRITE, VOTE, VOICE and PRAY....everyday....knowing that we are their only voices.
I hope to see you posting often....come on in and we'll lean on each other. We WILL make it....we just will....because we HAVE TO!
Love and prayers,
XXOO

[szcunane]

hi fox tex - -I posted in another thread - -but saw what you said here about VA - -my son is in VA - -it is a tough on crime state with some things that don't make sense. I wish there was parole - so our children could have hope. What I can say about my experience with the VA doc system is that the facilities are clean, with heat and airconditioning, the co's receive good training; and compared to what I have heard from other people there is very little violence in the prisons. my son is in protective custody, so he doesn't have the chance to participate in programs, but i do here some facilities have good programs. He has received adequate medical and dental care (he needed his wisdom teeth removed). So, there are some good things. What they don't seem to have is counseling or rehabilitation. It does sound like your son has fallen into a pattern that keeps him busy, be thankful for that. I hope and pray each day the burden gets lighter. My heart is still tender and I cry easily. I miss my son. I miss what he is missing in life. I worry a lot about the future - but now that isn't helping. I hope you will be able to visit soon - being far away is hard. Do join us often - -we are here for you.

[Onedaycloser13]

I don't have a child in prison, but have been affiliated with the VA prison system for the last five years. I have been through some stuff, unfortunately not all positive but he has made it. I also have another point of view as one of my son's friends went in very young and has years in the system. So I have seen from both aspects. He is staying busy and seems to be positive, that is always a good thing. I cannot tell you that prison won't change them, because as far as I can see, it does. You know as far as the anger goes, I learned from my loved one a very valuable lesson....if you don't let go it eats you alive. He had so many reasons to be angry but in order to survive, and through his faith he forgave and let go. Virginia is very tough, and unfortunately with the last legislature doesn't seem to be getting any better. The DOC is also changing by the year, and undergoing many of the problems the state is...primarily budget issues. I can tell you, things will feel more at ease one day. That he will be okay, and that you will get to a point that you do not worry as much. If you need any information on the VA system or anything, PM me..I will help you as much as I can.

[wickit]

Hello and welcome to PTO!
Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our other forums for more information and support! HUGS!!

[Nicksmother]

Welcome to PTO - we are truly family!

I agree with you all, the hardest thing for me is that someone else besides me is in control of my child. I have to have permission and in their terms (time, where, when, how and dress) to see my own child. That is MY baby and it breaks my heart the hoops I have to go through to see him. I know his choices put him there but even after seven years I want more access and the whole thing to be over. I want to walk down the hall and tell him to take out the trash, cut the grass or come and eat. I want my old normal back.

[mrsrimoldi]

Welcome to the parents forum. I've replied to another of your posts but obviously I need to check the introductions more often! I'm glad you found your way here, it will help you to have others who understand and have been here before you. I feel like the support we seek and give here is healing for all of us.

[JasonScottsMom]

So sorry you are going through this. I can relate. I too am ticked of by the system and the undue penalty doled out to my son. We are here for you, as I hope you will be for me.

Take care,

Reenie