Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

starbright31 · #1 06-11-2012, 11:21 PM

I'm really thinking about this for my brother addicted to herion and God knows what else he's into. Does cutting ties actually work? I know he can only save himself and want to ask does it have any effect on wheather he will get serious about cleaning up his act.
I read theres a lot of controversey on this that it may make the problem worse and negatively affect our relationship.

**LifeTraveler** · #2 06-12-2012, 03:39 AM

If you are going to detach yourself from your brother, you must detach with love. The toughest thing I ever had to do in my life was ask my alcoholic mother to move out of my house. I didn't do it in a mean way. I just told her that I could love her better from a distance. It had to be done for my sanity, and for her to hit her bottom and get sober.

The change didn't come right away. She was very angry with me for a long time, but once she started working her program, she got sober, and later on down the line, we were able to mend our relationship.

4ever love · #3 06-12-2012, 10:12 AM

tough love is a tough job. One must make their decision based on the individual situation and relationship. The only motto that I keep the same is: I will not tolerate drugs or this behavior.

With my brother, we agreed to disagree. So long as he's using, we respect and love each other, but very few perks from me. I accept his calls, listen to him, try to give him direction/contacts, but he is not allowed in my space while using. He's still using.

My incarcerated man, he walked almost 9 years ago. Couple years ago, he landed it in prison. He knew how to find me, and he did; frequently I might add. He knew while using, not to ask me for much. Since I was in love with him, I would actually show up, talk, no sex, tell him I care about you and leave. I have the business experience to have immensely helped his case, but didn't. I gave him an attorney's name, knowing he had no money. Mean, yes. But he's in fire camp, doing so well, that I have spoken to CalFire in his behalf, his application is already with the Battalion Chief, and he/I are stoked and anxious for his release...

**nevaeh2morrow** · #4 06-12-2012, 04:42 PM

Well, I just recently did the tough love thing with my son. I asked him to leave and told him that I just could not have his drugs in my house any longer. It was putting my daughter and myself in jeopardy let alone himself. He left, landed in jail only days later for possession, the pr'd him, he came home, picked up some clothes and left again. I think it is harder on me than it is on him for the moment. He knows that I love him completely.

Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. My fear of him being out on the street is that he would end up dead. My realization with him being at home and using was that whether he is on the street or in my house and still using - he could end up dead either way. Do I want my daughter to witness this? Do I want the police to continue coming to my door? The answer was No for me.

Inspiration · #5 06-13-2012, 09:58 AM

Although using tough love was the "toughest" thing I have ever had to do, I did find it worked for both my brother and my son. I did not stop talking to them, but I stopped helping them! Everything. My brother had a family and when he used all their money, I used to feed them. I stopped doing that for them and they lost their home and literally had nothing. His family got mad at me and my brother and sister for not helping them too! BUT in the long run, my brother saw that there was going to be no one to bail him out and he did get clean and has been clean now for 7 years! After using crack for 20+ years!

As for my son, I kicked him out of the house. Unfortunately he wound up living with some real low lifes, selling drugs to get by and then being arrested. He was lucky enough to get in the drug court program in NJ and I supported him while he was trying to work the program. He had some ups and downs, went back to jail several times and was in two different resident rehabs. He has now been clean for 2 years and has goals he is working towards including college! He is now in Phase 4 of Drug Court, the last phase and he's working steadily. And his attitude is now positive!

So although it hurt to see my brother's family have to suffer and to see my son homeless, it eventually worked for them. I always kept in touch with them and told them I loved them. But refused to help them in any way. As LifeTraveler said "detach with love."

Good luck!

4ever love · #6 06-13-2012, 02:30 PM

My girlfriend just used tough love on her son, who's temporarily at my house. We picked him up together, came home with pizza, movie, and ice cream. Options were discussed on the way home, (no anger was allowed on our behalf and he was very quiet) but not too much was said until he had a good night's sleep.

We gathered all info we could find to help him, and those were all discussed this am. He's grown and could call a friend at any time. He likes the attention we are giving him and the fact that we are not screaming at him, but rather treating him very grown up and with respect.

He will see his kid, who'll be with us all, and he'll be checking in a 60 day program

We decided that's all we're asking him at this time, for many reasons we felt this was a great start. I'll have an update on how our tough love worked, once he's finished intake and we wish him success, and at that point we told him we'll do much more for him.

God is in charge in this situation and we all, including him are believers. So with a wing and a prayer, we move forward....

thisfamily · #7 06-13-2012, 02:36 PM

Taking advice from some of my peers here and a couple of friends "iRL" - I wrote Jailbird a very 'tough love' jpay letter. Hopefully he responds positively to it. If not, c'est la vie. I just hope he sees I'm really on his side... not against him. I told him he gets only one chance... if I catch him using drugs or disappearing on me only once, I am calling the police on him... and all the suppliers he ever had (copied the phone numbers off his cell). Done. I think they need to see there are severe consequences. If they think they can get away with nothing or just light consequences, they will keep doing it. I do this because I am fiercely protective of our child and he has a long, serious history of use and theft.

Mcox'sbabygirl · #8 06-13-2012, 04:11 PM

In my experience it does not work. My mom after years of supporting & enabling my uncle one day brought him to the YMCA told him if he ever got his life together please come see us...I was 3. 5 years so he showed up, im now 36. It wasn't until he had a Stroke and became paralyzed on one side did he stop.
My husbands sister has done this with him he didn't stop.
Maybe it works for some but what I have seen an addict had to want to stop

**nevaeh2morrow** · #9 06-13-2012, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mcox'sbabygirl

In my experience it does not work. My mom after years of supporting & enabling my uncle one day brought him to the YMCA told him if he ever got his life together please come see us...I was 3. 5 years so he showed up, im now 36. It wasn't until he had a Stroke and became paralyzed on one side did he stop.
My husbands sister has done this with him he didn't stop.
Maybe it works for some but what I have seen an addict had to want to stop

This is an unfortunate and sad story. Since asking my son to leave a couple of weeks ago I have gone up and down emotionally like a freaking wild roller coaster ride as to whether this was the right thing to do.

As each day passes I find that my past history with my son was like he was drowning, unable to swim and I jumped in to save him. The difficulty is that he latched onto me began to drown me too.

By asking him to leave it has given me a chance to gasp for air, to let go for a moment, to try to regain my strength, to rest and release the fog that began to surround me.

Although I know he is still in the depths and I can only pray that he is at least treading water right now and hope that he will learn to swim on his own.

4ever love · #10 06-13-2012, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mcox'sbabygirl

In my experience it does not work. My mom after years of supporting & enabling my uncle one day brought him to the YMCA told him if he ever got his life together please come see us...I was 3. 5 years so he showed up, im now 36. It wasn't until he had a Stroke and became paralyzed on one side did he stop.
My husbands sister has done this with him he didn't stop.
Maybe it works for some but what I have seen an addict had to want to stop

So sorry to hear that. Supporting and enabling for years, makes for a bigger battle because it becomes "entitlement". Entitlement issues are the most difficult (Think Lindsay Lohan). My man who is incarcerated describes it in his own words to a Judge, "I was raised with everything at my fingertips". My brother, same thing, and as I posted earlier, he's still using.

I think we all agree that they have to want to stop, it's just figuring out what tough love tools we're going to use on each individual basis and the more we learn, the more resources we have to use.

**LifeTraveler** · #11 06-13-2012, 10:57 PM

As some of you have said, "tough love" does not work for some. However, there comes a point where you have to do what you have to do for yourself, or you will spiral right down into the disease with the addict. My sanity and peace of mind was at stake when I asked my mother to leave. I had two children to think about also. I had to do what I had to do for me just as much as for her.

makebelieve215 · #12 07-04-2012, 09:51 PM

starbright, thanks for this post..and thank you to everyone who has shared

My ex boyfriend of 6 years has been struggling with heroin addiction for a few years now. After a 9 month sentence in jail that I went through with him, he was out for 1 1/2 years still struggling..in and out of 3 rehabs, 2 crisis centers, trying to get into a halfway house but not covered by insurance etc. We started going to meetings together and it seemed great for a while, until he started hanging out with people he met in rehab that clearly intended on using once they got out. Then the lies and the stealing started, and from there he ended up violating his probation and is now serving a 6-7 month sentence.

I told him from the day he got out of jail for his first sentence that I would NOT stay with him if he went back to jail. I actually ended our relationship about 2 weeks before he did end up going back, but since then I have stuck to my word.

It's been really hard, and I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing. He honestly hasn't made a valiant effort to prove to me that he wants to change, I really don't think he knows how. It makes me sad and I wonder every day if I'm making the right decision...so I can't say for sure that I know if it works or not, but I do know that I have had a lot of time to clear my head and take time for myself, and I while I do hope there is a future for us, I'm also trying to realize that his rock bottom may very well be losing me..and if a sober future for him means a future with no "us" then so be it, although he insists that he still needs my support. My heart goes out to everybody struggling with an addict, it's so hard ;(

mg113 · #13 07-05-2012, 10:18 AM

It worked for my son, but it took a while, they have to hit THEIR BOTTOM.... everyones bottom is different.

My son went from jail ( and I could have but didnt bail him out) into a court ordered live in rehab that is normally 9 months to a year to complete. He was using since he was 16 and is now 24 ( heroine)

Before jail he was sleeping on a bench at the transit center in the middle of winter, the only thing I did do for him was bring him one meal a day from there he went to jail for stealing

He has been in rehab since nov 13, he has been sober since then and he graduates in 4 more weeks. He applied to work at the center after graduation as a counselor and they just signed off on letting him do that when he graduates. I never thought I would see this day

Will he stay sober... I dont know but I know that just for today he is sober and had I enabled him much longer he would probably be dead.

InmateLover67 · #14 07-05-2012, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbright31

I'm really thinking about this for my brother addicted to herion and God knows what else he's into. Does cutting ties actually work? I know he can only save himself and want to ask does it have any effect on wheather he will get serious about cleaning up his act.
I read theres a lot of controversey on this that it may make the problem worse and negatively affect our relationship.

Tough-love is more geared toward keeping the one giving it some serenity. I have always given tough love, so not doing so would go against my upbringing.

Like you commented, it is up to the addict whether they succeed at recovery or not. There is not an ouce of love and devotion, or tough-love that is going to make an addict seek recovery.

Again, I practice tough-love with clients, because it keeps me sane and not attached to their addiction or the outcome of it.

Peace~

4ever love · #15 07-05-2012, 03:47 PM

makebelieve215: Great post. His time in gives you some time to think things through. He tried through all the means available, but gets caught up with the wrong crowd. I guess he'll have to decide wrong crowd or you. Go watch Magic Mike...LOL good girl night out. Muscles galore!! hehe

mg113: So true. It really is only one day at a time. Congrats on your son's accomplishments. Being a counselor in a great environment with great support sounds like an awesome job for him.

Which this post brings me to conclusion with my best friend's son (my earlier posts). Although it wasn't what we wanted (rehab), he chose to bounce from couch to couch, have a real dialog with his PO, accepted and showed up to more office visits, and yahoo! parole ended today. As an outsider, I see good progress with him. He took care of business with being laid-off, worked out an arrangement with PO, owned his own, and starts semi fresh today. Mom is happy that she tried the tough love thing, with the unconditional love. So for this family it worked and everyone happy. I'm tired...yet happy

nimuay · #16 07-06-2012, 07:56 PM

It worked for my parents and one of my brothers. His drinking was seriously out of control, and they banished him from the house. It took a year for him to bottom out, and when I accidentally ran across him in my neighborhood, we finally had a brief heart-to-heart and he collapsed, gave in, and I finally took him home to Mom and Dad, who immediately arranged a 90-day rehab.

He's been sober for 34 years now.

chili · #17 07-08-2012, 01:05 AM

I think, when you are struggling with the tough love concept, it is good to remember that by 'helping' your addict you are actually enabling them.

mg113 · #18 07-08-2012, 04:32 AM

Yup I definitely enabeled my son, had I not gotten tough I would have. Loved him to death

photoholic808 · #19 07-12-2012, 10:40 AM

someone times you have to do what works for you.. their addiction is drug and our addiction becomes them in a sense always worried about them and their drug use always worried they are gonna call or get hurt or die.. sometimes you have to just put yourself first.. only he can change him.. good luck this is not an easy path.. one day at a time.

Geauxin'KraZee · #20 07-12-2012, 02:41 PM

It worked ON ME! I'm now clean and sober 21 1/2 years now. Do I use it on my own family members? Sure do and so far, I have no regrets. I believe its called tough love because its tough for the ones who give it. I say this because when I was on the giving end of it, it is SO DAMN HARD WATCHING YOUR LOVED ONE HURTING SO BAD! . Also, it just gave me the ability to realize how much my mom loved me when I had to be the one on the receiving end of tough love and realizing how truly tough it was for her to go through that for my benefit. Tough love is a very important tool in our disfunctional family and I will continue to use it if necessary.

SGV girl · #21 07-13-2012, 09:34 PM

I don't know if I agree with the label "tough love". As an addict in recovery myself - 15 years clean - and as someone who has worked with countless addicts, it honestly does not matter what you as a family do. Enable, live with, guilt them, threaten them - it's irrelevant. As many have posted, addiction begins and ends with that individual, and they will stop when they decide to stop, regardless of any outside forces.

By all means, as family and friends of an addict, take care of yourself! If by tough love you mean cutting them off to keep yourself sane, that's fine. But don't think by doing this that they will all of the sudden have an epiphany and stay clean. That is setting yourself up for disappointment. As many posters noted, it takes a long time for everyone to reach thier own rock bottom.

Do what is best for you.