Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Lizatwin1 · #1 07-12-2012, 04:09 PM

My husband is my everything but having been what he was, what brought him to prison, and who surrounds him daily, he trusts absolutely no one! NO ONE!!!!! well his mother is here visiting for 2 - 3 months and we are very close. Today over the phone he made it very clear that he does not wish for me to discuss anything about us to her. What the heck?!!!!! I was annoyed by this and I have lost my friendships with my old school friends because of my choice to be with him. I already have no one and refrain from discussing anything with anyone. I know that I consume his life which is how he wants it however, without getting into this further with him, I need a outlet, a friend. If God had wished us to walk alone without companionship of any kind we would not be able to communicate. just needed to vent.

BFAV4EVER · #2 07-12-2012, 04:21 PM

I can understand trust issues, but for you not to be able to speak with HIS mother about your relationship is extreme! You definitely need a friend or two or three outside of him, he sounds to me (IMHO) quite controlling and that isn't healthy in any kind of relationship! You are absolutely correct you need an outlet to discuss things with ... we are all here for you and get where you are coming from, however I'd think long and hard about the fact you are SO consumed with each other, everyone needs a little space.

Best of luck to you, you've come to the right place!

kevinmom · #3 07-12-2012, 05:36 PM

I can understand him not wanting you to tell to much to his mother but you do need to have your friends too. You are right we are not meant to walk alone which is why we are all here supporting eachother. Get some new friends or a hobby just some local support and fun just for you and of course come here and vent all you want. Lots of hugs to you.

photoholic808 · #4 07-12-2012, 05:43 PM

Did he say why? Does she know anything about it? Sorry not easy shoes you are in Good Luck!

ilovecoffee · #5 07-12-2012, 05:50 PM

Sorry to read that you are having a down moment. Maybe telling him that it is only his mother and how would he like that the woman he loves and counts on is down in the dumps? Not saying you are down in the dumps , but I just couldnt think of a better term to use. I hope it all works out!

adamsrubberduck · #6 07-12-2012, 07:02 PM

He may have a very good reason for not wanting his mom in his business. Has she done or said something in the past to make him feel this way? what has happened to him in the past to make him so uptight about people knowing any thing about him?

Klewis · #7 07-12-2012, 07:11 PM

I would wonder is he keeping me from talking to people because I might find out something. How long have you known this guy. If his mom is visiting that long what does he think ya'll will talk about. Do he mind you talking to any other of his family members.

Lizatwin1 · #8 07-12-2012, 07:18 PM

His mother and I are his greatest support as well as advocates. I said in her presence when he called do u need anything from me to bring on Saturday and he did not like that I made that comment in her presence. It's tedious yet I am bothered that I'm restricted with even his mom what I can share. I will never let go of PTO and he has no clue that it exists and I share my highs and lows with all of you. We already have too much space....we lives there I am here. We speak daily and I see him every Saturday. I'm moving in August to be closer. Perhaps I will keep myself from sharing with his mom but will refrain from telling him that i found support sharing friendships etc here Don't want to even question what the big deal is cause I don't want him to go onto a tangent. Mums the word I guess.

Lizatwin1 · #9 07-12-2012, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Klewis

I would wonder is he keeping me from talking to people because I might find out something. How long have you known this guy. If his mom is visiting that long what does he think ya'll will talk about. Do he mind you talking to any other of his family members.

Nah trust between us has never been a issue we are both 45 & met at 14 & 15 yrs old. My husband is my BF but he is insane when it comes to our privacy. I am private don't share anything personal with family. But to think that he climbed the walls cause what I said in his moms presence left me baffled.

adamsrubberduck · #10 07-12-2012, 07:58 PM

Baffles me too and if that were my husband we would have to have a nice long talk about that. If his mom is helping you to support him in everyone then he needs to tell you why he does not trust her with his personel information.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

Nah trust between us has never been a issue we are both 45 & met at 14 & 15 yrs old. My husband is my BF but he is insane when it comes to our privacy. I am private don't share anything personal with family. But to think that he climbed the walls cause what I said in his moms presence left me baffled.

InmateLover67 · #11 07-12-2012, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

My husband is my everything but having been what he was, what brought him to prison, and who surrounds him daily, he trusts absolutely no one! NO ONE!!!!! well his mother is here visiting for 2 - 3 months and we are very close. Today over the phone he made it very clear that he does not wish for me to discuss anything about us to her. What the heck?!!!!! I was annoyed by this and I have lost my friendships with my old school friends because of my choice to be with him. I already have no one and refrain from discussing anything with anyone. I know that I consume his life which is how he wants it however, without getting into this further with him, I need a outlet, a friend. If God had wished us to walk alone without companionship of any kind we would not be able to communicate. just needed to vent.

The first thing that came to my mind when reading your post is, what is it that he does not want his Mom telling you. You would think he would appreciate you having a healthy relationship with her.

If I were you, I would ask him why you are not allowed to talk to his Mother about your relationship and why you cannot have companionship with someone legit, like her?

He sounds like he wants you to be caged up with him, and not have anyone in your life besides him....that my dear, is controlling and abusive, in my opinion.

I hope you can get to the bottom of why he feels you should not have anyone but him in your life. I hope you feel better soon.

Peace~

P'sWoman · #12 07-12-2012, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

My husband is my everything but having been what he was, what brought him to prison, and who surrounds him daily, he trusts absolutely no one! NO ONE!!!!! well his mother is here visiting for 2 - 3 months and we are very close. Today over the phone he made it very clear that he does not wish for me to discuss anything about us to her. What the heck?!!!!! I was annoyed by this and I have lost my friendships with my old school friends because of my choice to be with him. I already have no one and refrain from discussing anything with anyone. I know that I consume his life which is how he wants it however, without getting into this further with him, I need a outlet, a friend. If God had wished us to walk alone without companionship of any kind we would not be able to communicate. just needed to vent.

How long has he been in? The reason I ask is that my partner displays some of this behaviour and it is as a result of the length of time he has been in prison and the need to constantly be watching your back, what you say to people, etc. Yes, he is a very private person from the outset and this situation does not help. I have had him being a little peeved - not angry - that I mentioned something he said to even his mother. He simply believes in keeping things between us - as like your hubby's situation he has been burnt by so-called friends and even some family. I mention to him that I am on PTO and that it is a great source of comfort for me. He said something like "Don't be listening to everybody's bs and be putting it on us - but you are a smart woman so I don't really expect that." I'm glad you vented because it helps you and some of us who might be having similar experiences.

hisbabyny · #13 07-12-2012, 09:53 PM

ive been in the past with a number of men that dont like their family all up in their business. and in those case's they do have trust issue's even with their mother's. some women are gossips' and do not respect their son's boundaries and tell other family member's private info. if it was about you finding out something' he may not want you around her at all' but since he just dont want you discussing things in front of Her' i think it has more to do with him not trusting her. i do think his reaction was extreme but it shows trust issues and either the time has had its effect plus trust issue's even with his mom.... which is sad.

hisbabygurl2014 · #14 07-12-2012, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

His mother and I are his greatest support as well as advocates. I said in her presence when he called do u need anything from me to bring on Saturday and he did not like that I made that comment in her presence. It's tedious yet I am bothered that I'm restricted with even his mom what I can share. I will never let go of PTO and he has no clue that it exists and I share my highs and lows with all of you. We already have too much space....we lives there I am here. We speak daily and I see him every Saturday. I'm moving in August to be closer. Perhaps I will keep myself from sharing with his mom but will refrain from telling him that i found support sharing friendships etc here Don't want to even question what the big deal is cause I don't want him to go onto a tangent. Mums the word I guess.

So he got mad when you ask him if he needed something in front of his mom and he got mad? wow!!!! That is his mom, she changed his diapers when he was lil baby, what else can he keep from her? LOL The fact that you have to keep the extra friends you make and having pto a secert says alot about this relationship. why cant you share everything with him if he is your best friend? I would ask him what this new deal is, because you cant do anything but yell through the phone. If i were you i would do some more digging because the fact he is cutting supporters from you, says something.

please think about it and ask those necessary questions that you SHOULD ask!

pjnjclyn · #15 07-13-2012, 02:45 AM

I am sorry that you are going through these things with your LO now I know that my husband is also very private but everyone does need an outlet to vent if not we will explode. I told my husband about this forum and he told me that is nice that there will be others that will understand what we are going through.
I hope that you are able to come to an understanding with each other.
What does he do when he needs to vent? Is there anyone on the good list?

Lizatwin1 · #16 07-13-2012, 02:50 AM

After reading all the feedback then having slept on everything I see there is nothing for me to defend. However I read one of the ladies posted a legitimate statement and that was time. He has been in prison 17 yrs. it has nothing to do with control and he absolutely unequivocally is not abusive to me in any way. I now believe this is his way of preserving us our marriage, relationship. I now think that it's not about his mom. I think that anyone in general tends to mention things in conversation. Knowing the lack of support we have I can see him wanting to keep our life away from the ears of these haters. I'm not addressing this with him. His mom I love and trust and he does too. I just need to make him happy not let him hear/know what I share with mom as I maintain my relationship with her.,.and maintain my relationship with him. I know how to pick my battles and this is not a battle. I won't make it into one I'm just doing me and it's called self preservation. Again thank you for the input which gave me some insight I needed to consider. We never had drama not going to entertain something that doesn't exist like cheating secrets Lies abuse. None of those issues are factors in my marriage pre nor post. Simply he wants privacy I'm just going to let him have it on my terms.

P'sWoman · #17 07-13-2012, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

After reading all the feedback then having slept on everything I see there is nothing for me to defend. However I read one of the ladies posted a legitimate statement and that was time. He has been in prison 17 yrs. it has nothing to do with control and he absolutely unequivocally is not abusive to me in any way. I now believe this is his way of preserving us our marriage, relationship. I now think that it's not about his mom. I think that anyone in general tends to mention things in conversation. Knowing the lack of support we have I can see him wanting to keep our life away from the ears of these haters. I'm not addressing this with him. His mom I love and trust and he does too. I just need to make him happy not let him hear/know what I share with mom as I maintain my relationship with her.,.and maintain my relationship with him. I know how to pick my battles and this is not a battle. I won't make it into one I'm just doing me and it's called self preservation. Again thank you for the input which gave me some insight I needed to consider. We never had drama not going to entertain something that doesn't exist like cheating secrets Lies abuse. None of those issues are factors in my marriage pre nor post. Simply he wants privacy I'm just going to let him have it on my terms.

I'm glad this is your decision. This is my first (and last) relationship with someone incarcerated, however, I have learned so much and one of them is that our men/partners live in a different world and we have to balance that with our world to make our marriages/relationships work. All the best!

krc1abc1 · #18 07-13-2012, 11:14 PM

This too is my first experience in a relationship with a man who is incarcerated. I agree with P'swoman. Our men live in a very different world. I have never had anyone love me as intensely as my man does. He also tends to be very possessive and can be a little jealous at times. He says that it is not that he is jealous it's that he needs my total commitment. It took me a long time to really realize what he means by that. My man has been down 34 years and after that much time down he has very little left as far as friends or family. In fact he says I am all he has. Men on the outside will say this when in reality they are just talking. Men on the inside often are very much alone unless they find someone who can walk the journey with them. I have come to realize that when my man writes and tells me repeatedly in many different ways that he loves me and that we are for life until death do us part it is really his way of masking his fears of losing me known without showing weakness. I am also finding that a man on the inside really requires a different level of commitment from his mate because there are so many aspects of his life that are uncertain. My man needs the reassurance that I am committed to him on all levels of our relationship. I really can't blame him if I had to walk a mile in his shoes I don't know that I would do as well as he does.