Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

scarab333 · #1 07-13-2012, 11:20 PM

Prison is prison regardless if its in a 8x12 cell or if its living in the back of your mind.

12 years, I've carried this load. Kept my frustration locked in my mind without lashing it out on him. Watching him "screw up" repetitively inside knowing this isnt going to help his parole hearing. Letters every week. Phone calls $ he doesnt have to pay. Supporting him both every breathe of the way. Carrying the load of bills outside and on the inside, taking care of the home, being a mother and playing both roles as mother and father.

12 years exclude, 1.7 years of no communication due to my own incarceration.

Tonight I found out he was actually released on parole while I was incarcerated. Obviously, during his 5 months out (of course he screwed that up and back in) he couldn't manage to write me one single letter while I'm sick inside, feeling guilty I couldn't communicate with him... Once I got out I started right back where I left off...

He hasn't mentioned a hint he was paroled. On top of that... I went to send him a care package but he already had his quarterly package... Its not from his friends or family since I have been his only family for the last 10 years (everyone else disappeared).

Is it really over.

StayShort · #2 07-13-2012, 11:33 PM

I read this and wanted to punch my phone. Yeah I know not the best reaction but hey it was my initial one. Honey I dont even know if I can say the right words to you or if there are right words. Hopefully someone will come along with those. But what I can say is you stood by him for a long bid and that shows you are an incredibly strong person so you will without a doubt make it through this. Keep your head up and stay that strong person you are and you'll be ok. I wish you best and am so sorry you are having to go through this.

juss me6 · #3 07-13-2012, 11:34 PM

Oh wow! I would be so upset! He was out and just totally disregarded you! What the heck is that? And he gets a mysterious package? Hmmm I would be vexed. I would tell him exactly what you know and see what he says. I would be extremely hurt and upset by all of this. It seems like he only wants to better himself but 12 years you have been doing this? It seems like he doesn't want to grow up at all. I'm sorry for what you're feeling. I hope you work through this and have a conversation with him about everything. You have been through too much for him to lie to you and even for him to not listen.

scarab333 · #4 07-13-2012, 11:41 PM

Thanks I appreciate your words. I wish I could be angry and punch something...Im just too tired.

**number8** · #5 07-14-2012, 01:00 AM

Hi Scarab333, if your post had been written by someone else, what would your return post be?
I know there is a lot more to your relationship than what you have put here, but to be honest.. your gut reaction is probably correct. Trust your inner self.
8

DP's Girl · #6 07-14-2012, 01:53 AM

I can't begin to imagine any way he could explain this away. Could you have done the same to him? I don't believe in doing for a love one with the expectation of something in return. But ask yourself what you would have done in his position. It's reasonable to expect the same from him. A relationship takes two people putting in the same effort to make it work. How can you love someone and be on the street for 5 months and make no effort to contact the person you love? It just makes no sense. I'm sure you're hurt and probably in shock. Once the shock wears off I hope you gather yourself and find someone who deserves the love and devotion you've shown him. Continue to be strong for your family and know that you're strong enough to deal with this just like you've dealt with everything else you've had to face. God bless.

bl6ckr0s3 · #7 07-14-2012, 01:53 AM

Dude.....u have gone thru many long years of committing urself 2 dis guy. If u learn that dis person hasn't attempted 2 stay outta trouble and always ended up coming bak in2 prison, wat does his actions tell u about the kinda person that he really is? It's hurting u inside and he doesn't seem 2 give a shit especially since u mention he didn't say n-e-thing 2 u about goin on parole?? He screwed himself that winds him bak inside, well that's all on him. May-b the right thing u should do 4 urself is let him go. Continuing 2 try and giving somebody many chances is 1 thing, but 4 that person 2 continually screwing up that chance 4 u guys 2 b 2gether is just plain stupid. U need 2 start thinkin wat ur heart really wants. Do u really wanna continue 2 go thru dis heartache? May-b ur man doesn't have the motivation 2 have n-e goals?

scarab333 · #8 07-14-2012, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by number8

Hi Scarab333, if your post had been written by someone else, what would your return post be?
I know there is a lot more to your relationship than what you have put here, but to be honest.. your gut reaction is probably correct. Trust your inner self.
8

You're right 8_ There is a lot more to our relationship than what meets the eye here. About 2 years in (still young & dumb, know it all) we would tell each other EVERYTHING. 4th year in, we made that agreement, No more telling everything, No more questions asked if we thought it would bring hardship to the other. There are things in my gut I knew (he had started a pen pal relationship maybe even romantically). I never asked about it. I focused on what we had before and what we will have once he was out.

I found this all out by accident. For the first time I looked him up online trying to figure out why I haven't heard from him in a few months. Usually this consist of him getting in trouble. So I went online to look up his inmate info for the 1st time... Came on to abbreviations I didn't understand...And BAMMM after 2 days of searching high and low for answers I got my abbreviation all figured out.

So if I was reading someone else's post...I guess I don't know how I would reply. I guess I would ask are you willing to give up 12 years of your life to say its over...

My gut says...I'm just sick. My head says... think. My heart says just keep going 5 more yours max thats it, he will be back home.

scarab333 · #9 07-14-2012, 06:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP's Girl

I can't begin to imagine any way he could explain this away. Could you have done the same to him? I don't believe in doing for a love one with the expectation of something in return. But ask yourself what you would have done in his position. It's reasonable to expect the same from him. A relationship takes two people putting in the same effort to make it work. How can you love someone and be on the street for 5 months and make no effort to contact the person you love? It just makes no sense. I'm sure you're hurt and probably in shock. Once the shock wears off I hope you gather yourself and find someone who deserves the love and devotion you've shown him. Continue to be strong for your family and know that you're strong enough to deal with this just like you've dealt with everything else you've had to face. God bless.

lol...He's pretty good at explaining his way out of everything with me. His love to me is like the ocean and for the first time I'm drowning in it.

scarab333 · #10 07-14-2012, 06:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by juss me6

Oh wow! I would be so upset! He was out and just totally disregarded you! What the heck is that? And he gets a mysterious package? Hmmm I would be vexed. I would tell him exactly what you know and see what he says. I would be extremely hurt and upset by all of this. It seems like he only wants to better himself but 12 years you have been doing this? It seems like he doesn't want to grow up at all. I'm sorry for what you're feeling. I hope you work through this and have a conversation with him about everything. You have been through too much for him to lie to you and even for him to not listen.

After 4 years in we agreed not to ask questions or tell each other everything with the result of making time harder... This is all by accident how I found out. I guess I'm just to the point...I dont know if I'm ready to walk away and say I just wasted years of my life... I guess I was just looking for someone to say, Stay, it will be ok. Because that is what my heart want to do but logic is standing in the way.

**sidewalker** · #11 07-14-2012, 07:06 AM

ug.
I cant say deal breaker loud enough.

I know you care about him still.
He does not deserve it, thats for sure.
I think I'd simply ask him in the next letter so......where did you parole to?
Why didnt you let me know?
and I'd also be letting the person who sent the care package send all future ones.

Or you could be a bitch and try to send the next one on the first day he's allowed to and only include a soup.
jerk.
Im sorry, but this would be the finish for me.
I dont know how you would be able to get thru that type of disregard for you and yours. wow.
Didnt even visit his children????

lesliew32 · #12 07-14-2012, 07:11 AM

Time is never wasted. I spent nine years of my life married to a man that ended in divorce. I got to the point that I had enough. I ended up with beautiful children and learned a lot about myself and life. I hope you figure things out and don't let past time control your future!

scarab333 · #13 07-14-2012, 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sidewalker

ug.
I cant say deal breaker loud enough.

I know you care about him still.
He does not deserve it, thats for sure.
I think I'd simply ask him in the next letter so......where did you parole to?
Why didnt you let me know?
and I'd also be letting the person who sent the care package send all future ones.

Or you could be a bitch and try to send the next one on the first day he's allowed to and only include a soup.
jerk.
Im sorry, but this would be the finish for me.
I dont know how you would be able to get thru that type of disregard for you and yours. wow.
Didnt even visit his children????

Well not to be in his defense but somewhat appearing to be...
Only one child is his, the youngest. Which she was only 1 when he went in. I also moved from AZ and went back to my home town in KS a 4 years ago (huge mistake). So being on parole I don't think he could of left AZ if he wanted to. But I'm pretty sure his fingers weren't broken and could of wrote me a letter at the very least.

HA, Thanks, I think that is a GRAND idea to send him his "soup".

juss me6 · #14 07-14-2012, 07:33 AM

I don't think you can have a relationship without asking questions. That is you step back and let each other do their own thing. I'm sorry if you accidently found it out or not. He was paroled while you were in prison and didn't have the deciency to write come see you or drop money off. Hell no. I would be going up one side and down the other on him. That in no way is love and to me I may be wrong but for him to do that would make me feel I was blantantly being used. No matter if we had kids together or not. If I would be locked up and my man did nothing for me. I would feel so useld and hurtl and broken. If I was in your shoes I wouldl l

msgreenthumb67 · #15 07-14-2012, 07:47 AM

You know I'd be tired too. No lies technically but left in the dark while he moved on with someone else....still lies in my book. Sorry but it really sounds like you're holding onto what USED to be but no longer exists. God that has to hurt but you are looking at what you HAVE wasted?? Do you really want to waste another 5 yrs to see him come out to someone else??? Grieve and move on. You DESERVE to be loved and respected too!! You are NOT his floor mat or anyone else's. You are worthy of having happiness too! Go for your happiness and let him live/die in his self created nest...cell!!! It's crazy that he wants to stay inside so bad!! Most people in their right minds want out, hmmmm???? Again...so sorry for your pain. God bless you and show you a better way to live....to be happy at long last!

1 Corinthians 1:25-29

**sidewalker** · #16 07-14-2012, 07:57 AM

Im sorry about that. I can see that he wouldnt have been able to visit but your right. He could have written, or tried to call.
(I told my hub about the soup thing, he laughed. I asked him if i'd done that would he have understood? he said, without a doubt!! Plus he said order the worst soup that no one would want lol.......)
yeah, Im mean.

Look, Im not meaning to make light of this. Im sure your very hurt. You have done as much as you can for this guy and he clearly does not deserve it. To get out and not even attempt to let you know? Then after blowing it, and going back in, and still not telling you????
Just wrong.
Im sorry he does not see the value of someone willing to stand by him, and love him.

(((hugs)))

SouthernGyrl · #17 07-14-2012, 08:02 AM

What makes you feel like you are worthless?

InmateLover67 · #18 07-14-2012, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scarab333

Prison is prison regardless if its in a 8x12 cell or if its living in the back of your mind.

12 years, I've carried this load. Kept my frustration locked in my mind without lashing it out on him. Watching him "screw up" repetitively inside knowing this isnt going to help his parole hearing. Letters every week. Phone calls $ he doesnt have to pay. Supporting him both every breathe of the way. Carrying the load of bills outside and on the inside, taking care of the home, being a mother and playing both roles as mother and father.

12 years exclude, 1.7 years of no communication due to my own incarceration.

Tonight I found out he was actually released on parole while I was incarcerated. Obviously, during his 5 months out (of course he screwed that up and back in) he couldn't manage to write me one single letter while I'm sick inside, feeling guilty I couldn't communicate with him... Once I got out I started right back where I left off...

He hasn't mentioned a hint he was paroled. On top of that... I went to send him a care package but he already had his quarterly package... Its not from his friends or family since I have been his only family for the last 10 years (everyone else disappeared).

Is it really over.

I am sorry you were there for this schumck, only to have him parole and not even tell or contact you? Is this the kind of man you want in your life? You know you deserve much better than what you are getting from this man.

It sounds like he has honesty issues and cannot be trusted. If he cannot tell you he was paroled, how do you expect him to tell you anything else that may come up? And, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that is in and out of prison?

I suggest you do some serious soul-searching, because after all you have done for him, he has betrayed you, in more than one way. Hun, you do not deserve to go through anymore pain. Please, take some time to listen to that little voice, it rarely steers us wrong.

Believe in who you are and I hope you find clairity to make a healthy decision for yourself and your future.

Peace~

nicenjazzy · #19 07-14-2012, 10:00 AM

I hate to see you going through what you're going through and I couldn't even begin to know the pain you feel. I'm not trying to downplay what he did to you at all but I just have one question...did this man (term used very loosely) try to contact his child while he was out? What I'm getting at is if he didn't how do you think she feels, do you accept his treatment of her, and would you allow him to continue to hurt her? It's one thing to allow him to do that to you but you have a child/children to think of also. You owe them so much more.

HardHeadedWoman · #20 07-14-2012, 10:23 AM

WoW! I had to literally pick my jaw up off the floor on this one! No one knows what other peoples relationships are like but I would seriously walked away right then and there. I think I could have forgiven a one night stand better than what he did.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do. On a side note.....walking away from something is not waste its sometimes blessing for something greater.

Klewis · #21 07-14-2012, 11:15 AM

Stay it will be okay.....

Okay I said it but do I mean hell f no. The nerve of this bastard. It just proved to you that if the shoe was on the other foot he would not be there for you at all. I really don't understand the question here. So I guess I will make up my own why would you stay and what is you going to stay in? This is definitely not a relationship. I am just really speechless I can't even think so I will just end it here.

scarab333 · #22 07-14-2012, 01:54 PM

Again, it sounds like I'm defending him...but I'm honestly not.
Ive been playing it over in my head (over and over and over) trying to figure it out.

1. Im sure he didn't contact his daughter since she was only 1 when he was incarcerated. He doesn't know her but only through photos. She's never even wrote him. Plus my daughters were w/relatives who absolutely hate him.
2. I moved out of state so he wouldn't of been able to leave AZ while out on parole. (But yes he had ample opportunity to write me even if it is restricted. But of course as much code writing and delivery I did for his peers on the inside he could of thought of something, I'm sure). I think maybe he didn't want to make my time difficult by knowing he was out and I was in.
3. Of course I'm irritated about the fact hes getting quarterly care packages which I'm sure its from some new pen pal (or it could be a hook up while he was out)... I can get over that, it lessens my financial burden.

This is a man who "saved" me and my oldest daughter (literal) from a dark place; That loved me enough to march in a chaotic war and remove me from it. This man held my hand through my struggles, supported me when nobody else was there. He never brought up my past and still hasn't. He's never thrown blame in my direction when he's taken the fall over my shortcomings...

It's not so much I feel used but more betrayed? For at least 10 years out of 12 Ive been pursuing a life for him. Starting a business he could walk into. Ive been pursuing HIS dreams and I let mine go... So here I sit, living someone elses dream and I have nothing if I walk away. But...

I'm going to wait for his next quarter, send him one can of nasty soup (as suggested) and that's it. No letter, no explanation...and I guess tonight, I'm going to go out and live my life like I actually have one for the first time in 12 years. Thankfully my daughters are gone over the summer because I'm probably going to flip out soon enough.

Thanks for all the support!

chiclet · #23 07-14-2012, 01:55 PM

You said that you do not want to say you wasted 12 years and are considering waiting another five years? How do you feel about saying you wasted 17 years?! This man is not family or father material. And if he could not make it on probation, what makes you think he will really get out in five? Do you really want such a LIAR in your life? That is bull.... about not telling the other one what will hurt them.

Find yourself a salt of the earth man in Kansas.

*Firebrand* · #24 07-14-2012, 03:24 PM

It’s hard to be logical or objective when you’ve got that much time invested in a relationship with someone that you desire to be with. Still……what do you really have if you can’t trust him? The bit about him making parole and keeping you in the dark on it while you were still inside locked away is more than just a point of disrespect, he’s telling on himself with regard to the way he handles freedom and in particular at a time when you needed him the most. He abandoned you; period.

You ask “is it really over”. I know you’re already hurting inside and I mean not to be coarse in asking or saying this, but….is it a matter of asking “is it really over?” or is it more a matter of saying that “what once was is now nowhere to be found?” What is to be said of that? Is this more about wanting to love him or the fear of moving on without him? There’s a difference and it’s not easy making a decision to move on even when you know it’s the best thing to do; it takes a different kind of courage than what we’re used to mustering or finding in a situation like this. Along with that, you may not really know how to move on without him and that may be something that scares the hades out of you when you give it much thought because you’ve been through a lot.

It’s not just a matter of him being locked up; you were locked up and you too, have some wounds or scars that are in need of healing. You’re in need of some much needed medicine, too, scarab333 and it’s a medicine that involves an ingredient that is essential; it’s called trust.

I don’t know…..I do better with gals that have never been in much trouble because I’ve been in it all my life. It’s not about someone who’s been to prison not being good enough or any of that bit. All the relationships I’ve had with other former addicts, alcoholics and ex felons like myself have not gone very far. I do better with someone who is my opposite in that regard and it may be that before you find a man who you can really love, he may have to be of that variety, as well.

Eternal Sunshine · #25 07-14-2012, 03:42 PM

"Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs".

Enough said. You have only been an option in this man's life. It's time to make yourself a priority in YOUR life since you aren't in his.

Also, no experience in our lives is a waste if we learn from it. Learn from this and move on.