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shebachris · #**126** 08-11-2011, 09:14 AM

My fiance has been home now for almost two months. I met him while he was in prison through his family members. His mom and I are great friends. He has spent most of his life in prison and is now 33 years old. I come from a totally different background than him which makes it difficult.
There have been a few relapses for him. As I have read many of your posts, I have realized that his being able to get out and do things are very important to him. I admit I have had my feelings hurt because he would rather at times go without me. Another problem is he doesn't have his driver's license and I worry when he drives my car but he just doesn't understand why I worry so much.
His homecoming has also been hard because his family has stayed with us alot and we have had hardly any alone time. His family is full of drama and he feels it is his role to make everything better, which causes alot of stress on both of us.
Our sex life is almost non existent. He just doesn't have the sexual drive that one would think. He says he is shy but I feel he has anxiety due to the fact he's not been with a woman in so long and especially not one that is older. I have just backed off on sex and just enjoy the cuddling and kisses we share instead.

He is working now which I think will help his self-esteem alot but he feels like he has to tell and talk about his time in prison with people when it is really none of their business. Is this normal? Is not having sex normal?

I am trying so hard to be understanding and give him the space he needs while knowing he really does love me. Is this because he's young? I don't know but everyone else's posts have certainly helped me. Thanks so much for this thread.
Shebachris

**patchouli** · #**127** 08-11-2011, 10:03 PM

Knowing he doesn't have a license, please don't let him drive your car. That means he also has no car insurance. In Kentucky, any driver of another person's vehicle must have thier own insurance/proof of insurance. Should he get pulled over, he's going to jail and your car is going to be impounded.

My Mr did 5 years his last bid. The intimacy got better and better....more often too.

Something in your questions just doesn't sound right to me. If he usually goes out (in your car!) without you, I think I'd have to sit him down and have a little chat.

FastCarGirl · #**128** 08-11-2011, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shebachris

My fiance has been home now for almost two months. I met him while he was in prison through his family members. His mom and I are great friends. He has spent most of his life in prison and is now 33 years old. I come from a totally different background than him which makes it difficult.
There have been a few relapses for him. As I have read many of your posts, I have realized that his being able to get out and do things are very important to him. I admit I have had my feelings hurt because he would rather at times go without me. Another problem is he doesn't have his driver's license and I worry when he drives my car but he just doesn't understand why I worry so much.
His homecoming has also been hard because his family has stayed with us alot and we have had hardly any alone time. His family is full of drama and he feels it is his role to make everything better, which causes alot of stress on both of us.
Our sex life is almost non existent. He just doesn't have the sexual drive that one would think. He says he is shy but I feel he has anxiety due to the fact he's not been with a woman in so long and especially not one that is older. I have just backed off on sex and just enjoy the cuddling and kisses we share instead.

He is working now which I think will help his self-esteem alot but he feels like he has to tell and talk about his time in prison with people when it is really none of their business. Is this normal? Is not having sex normal?

I am trying so hard to be understanding and give him the space he needs while knowing he really does love me. Is this because he's young? I don't know but everyone else's posts have certainly helped me. Thanks so much for this thread.
Shebachris

Well, I'm 9 years older than my guy, I'm 40 and he'll be 31 in Oct, so young but not that young. My 71 year old mother called me a cougar though

. Oy. When he was out the last time, he had sex with 4 women that night he was release, so I'm really more worried about me being able to keep up with him in that regard! But each relationship is different, and I can see him wanting to be able to please you sexually and being afraid of falling short after being out of practice for so long that he's giving himself performance anxiety. Maybe remind him practice makes perfect and your all for taking a few "foul balls" until he's able to hit it out of the ballpark again.

As for the car situation, under no circumstances if he doesn't have his DL should he be driving your car. It's too big a risk for both of you if something goes wrong. Frankie and I have talked about it on the front end that until he pays back his $900 in back child support and is able to get his DL, I'm gonna be his chauffeur or he's going to learn the bus system here, and that's for our protection. If he got in an accident or pulled over without a vaild ID, especially while he's on probation, he runs the risk of being sent back and I won't put him in that postion. Your not doing your man or yourself any favors by letting him drive illegally.

shebachris · #**129** 08-12-2011, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patchouli

Knowing he doesn't have a license, please don't let him drive your car. That means he also has no car insurance. In Kentucky, any driver of another person's vehicle must have thier own insurance/proof of insurance. Should he get pulled over, he's going to jail and your car is going to be impounded.

My Mr did 5 years his last bid. The intimacy got better and better....more often too.

Something in your questions just doesn't sound right to me. If he usually goes out (in your car!) without you, I think I'd have to sit him down and have a little chat.

When he was in jail we discussed him not driving my car until he got his DL and then when he came home he gets mad if I say no. One time he even started walking down the road to go where he wanted to go. I picked him up and took him myself. It's like he needs to get out on his own to be who he is and not what my expectations are. I know he has done some pills. He is very honest about what he does.

He went off on me, yelling, one day which started off because I said he shouldn't tell me he's gonna do this or that. Bad mistake on my part. It went from yelling about me to him yelling about his family. He even packed his stuff and said he was leaving which needless to say he didn't. He calmed down and everything was fine. Then yesterday the same thing happened again but not over the same thing. He met up with a friend at his job and they went to a bar after work. When I picked him up from the bar, I didn't nag or fuss but it was like he wanted to fight with me. His mother and brother's gf was at my house when we got home and he would get mad over anything I said or anything I didn't say. He finally went and laid down and was fine later.

I have to say he worries about his family constantly. His sister is addicted to drugs and is not doing well all. His mom is like a gypsy and right now doesn't have a home base. He feels like he is responsible for their happiness and well being since he is out of prison now. I really think he needs counseling but I don't dare bring it up right now.

shebachris

shebachris · #**130** 08-12-2011, 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

Well, I'm 9 years older than my guy, I'm 40 and he'll be 31 in Oct, so young but not that young. My 71 year old mother called me a cougar though

. Oy. When he was out the last time, he had sex with 4 women that night he was release, so I'm really more worried about me being able to keep up with him in that regard! But each relationship is different, and I can see him wanting to be able to please you sexually and being afraid of falling short after being out of practice for so long that he's giving himself performance anxiety. Maybe remind him practice makes perfect and your all for taking a few "foul balls" until he's able to hit it out of the ballpark again.

As for the car situation, under no circumstances if he doesn't have his DL should he be driving your car. It's too big a risk for both of you if something goes wrong. Frankie and I have talked about it on the front end that until he pays back his $900 in back child support and is able to get his DL, I'm gonna be his chauffeur or he's going to learn the bus system here, and that's for our protection. If he got in an accident or pulled over without a vaild ID, especially while he's on probation, he runs the risk of being sent back and I won't put him in that postion. Your not doing your man or yourself any favors by letting him drive illegally.

You are both so right about the car issue. I know better and worry every time he is out in my car about him being stopped or even wrecking my car and hurting himself or others. My car is all I have that is all mine and I have tried to explain that to him. I believe it is part of his bid for freedom, if that makes sense.

FastCarGirl · #**131** 08-12-2011, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shebachris

You are both so right about the car issue. I know better and worry every time he is out in my car about him being stopped or even wrecking my car and hurting himself or others. My car is all I have that is all mine and I have tried to explain that to him. I believe it is part of his bid for freedom, if that makes sense.

For one, you are 100% correct on the counseling part. It seems like he's worse when he's drinking, and when he's "sobered up" even if he wasn't roaring drunk he's fine....or am I mis-reading that? But he's having boundary issues and using emotional blackmail tactics on you. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. Honestly, he needs limits, it really doesn't seem like he knows how to set them for himself in a responsible way. This doesn't mean you have to act like his mom instead of his wife, but like you said, your car is YOURS and you are responsible for it and you need it for transportation. I can completely understand wanting freedom, but lack of transportation may inspire him to work harder to get his DL back and get his own car.

You have to learn that it's OK for someone to be mad at you....it doesn't mean you have to give in. Early in our relationship, Frankie would pull a similar tactic, if I said something or did something and he didn't like the answer, he's try to make me choose between the other thing and him, or threaten to walk (sound familiar?)

I told him he is entitled to his feelings, and it's OK to be mad or upset with me, but it's not right and it's not fair to be an "emotional bully"....when things aren't going his way to threaten our whole relationship. I told him it made his love for me sound like a lie and caused me to feel used when I set a boundary and he came back with "just leave now" then. He couldn't tell me in one breath how much he loves me and needs me and then toss our relationship around like a rag doll that he's tied of playing with. It doesn't work that way.

That's your situation with the car. Honestly, it won't hurt him to walk. They probably did a lot of walking in prison. It might also help him clear his head. Don't rescue him if he throws another hissy fit and storms off. Absolutely agree with him and understand he has every right to be frusterated with not being allowed to drive....but you love him too much to keep putting him in a position where if something were to go wrong, he could get locked up and you could lose your car. It's too high a risk, but you'd be happy to take him anywhere he wanted to go. Which is the truth. And it's really hard to stay mad at someone who's really trying to do what's best for you. He's pushing your buttons, you can't change him, the only thing you can do is change you and how you react to him, so his tactics don't work any longer. Hope this makes some sense!

shebachris · #**132** 08-12-2011, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

For one, you are 100% correct on the counseling part. It seems like he's worse when he's drinking, and when he's "sobered up" even if he wasn't roaring drunk he's fine....or am I mis-reading that? But he's having boundary issues and using emotional blackmail tactics on you. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. Honestly, he needs limits, it really doesn't seem like he knows how to set them for himself in a responsible way. This doesn't mean you have to act like his mom instead of his wife, but like you said, your car is YOURS and you are responsible for it and you need it for transportation. I can completely understand wanting freedom, but lack of transportation may inspire him to work harder to get his DL back and get his own car.

You have to learn that it's OK for someone to be mad at you....it doesn't mean you have to give in. Early in our relationship, Frankie would pull a similar tactic, if I said something or did something and he didn't like the answer, he's try to make me choose between the other thing and him, or threaten to walk (sound familiar?)

I told him he is entitled to his feelings, and it's OK to be mad or upset with me, but it's not right and it's not fair to be an "emotional bully"....when things aren't going his way to threaten our whole relationship. I told him it made his love for me sound like a lie and caused me to feel used when I set a boundary and he came back with "just leave now" then. He couldn't tell me in one breath how much he loves me and needs me and then toss our relationship around like a rag doll that he's tied of playing with. It doesn't work that way.

That's your situation with the car. Honestly, it won't hurt him to walk. They probably did a lot of walking in prison. It might also help him clear his head. Don't rescue him if he throws another hissy fit and storms off. Absolutely agree with him and understand he has every right to be frusterated with not being allowed to drive....but you love him too much to keep putting him in a position where if something were to go wrong, he could get locked up and you could lose your car. It's too high a risk, but you'd be happy to take him anywhere he wanted to go. Which is the truth. And it's really hard to stay mad at someone who's really trying to do what's best for you. He's pushing your buttons, you can't change him, the only thing you can do is change you and how you react to him, so his tactics don't work any longer. Hope this makes some sense!

You have helped me so much. I have to stop trying to rescue him from himself even. We didn't know each other outside of prison so it is also a getting to know each other kind of thing. When he goes off, I don't think it is even really about me. He is like just one ball of emotions right now. He just takes everything out on me.

I don't want to be this weak female in this relationship even if that means I lose him. I will no longer give in to his "emotional blackmail" as you put it. I don't even like me when I am like that. I just have to come to the realization if he leaves me he leaves and cope with that if that happens.

It's hard watching someone you love hang out with people you know are wrong for them to hang out with but I can't choose his friends for him. He is supposed to be an adult now. Sometimes I wonder, if prison hasn't stunted his maturity. He really doesn't know how to be in a committed relationship as an adult who is not with someone using drugs with him. It's like he has no idea what consideration of your partner is about.

I really didn't realize how hard this was gonna be but I am going to keep trying in this relationship. He can be so warm, loving, and considerate most of the time. Thanks again for your insight.

shebachris · #**133** 09-11-2011, 10:32 AM

Since my last post, he and I have broken up. He started hanging out in a neighboring county with his cousins, uncle, and friends who are selling and doing drugs. He did get a job with some good people and for four days he came home every night with me taking and picking him up and things seemed good but this didn't last long. I put up with this for awhile because I love him and was trying to give him space and be patient. I finally realized, no one was caring about my feelings in regard to his being gone and he had pretty much quit calling. I had to break up with him in the official capacity over a voice mail Where he is at there is poor cell phone reception. I feel sad because the person he was when he wasn't around those people I had lost. I miss that person. Everything we discussed and all the promises made have changed and have been broken. I still hope he will change once again and be the man I fell in love with but I won't put my life on hold any longer.
There is also another obstacle in our relationship. My son, his wife, and my 20 month old grandson has moved in with me until they start their jobs and save money to get them a place. This isn't an ideal situation with me much less for him. He used that as an excuse as to why he was staying over there. I know I am rambling but I haven't been able to put this into words to anyone so please excuse.

jsjackson · #**134** 09-13-2011, 02:12 PM

So my husband is coming home in 8 days!! I am so excited and nervous too. Is there any advice any of you have to offer??? Im letting my nerves get the best of me so I need to hear some words from ones that have been there. Thanks

La Divina · #**135** 09-18-2011, 12:21 PM

Soooooo glad for this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HWJones · #**136** 10-22-2011, 04:20 PM

Thank you for starting this thread.....

My friend, since I've known since he was 15, is getting out in February. When he was 15 I made him promise he would never touch the meth.....18 years later he's been in and out many times for drug related charges....dealing/using, etc. Once he began using and dealing, we lost touch and have been out of touch for many, many years. I found him since he's been locked up and we've been writing each other nearly every day. Since we've been writing, he's told me he's in NA and taking GED classes and has found programs to help him with job skills and adjusting to being out. He has said he can't go back to our old town, where his family and all his old ties/connections/lifestyle is because he knows he's not strong enough to handle the temptations and has asked to stay with me, since I live hundreds of miles from "home." He also is having serious health issues with his kidneys. But, I've always been the solid friend and have agreed to let him stay here and help him as much as I can. In my mind, getting him out of our old town is the only way he has a chance at success...I had to leave before I could get my life straight. So I'm gonna take a chance on him, despite the fit I know my mother will have :P

Anyways, as our letters have gotten deeper, he's told me that he wants more than friendship and has always felt that way about me. I set up conditions for him staying here and one of them was keep it as friends....once and if he gets settled, maybe we can have something more. My worry is, I'm not gonna be able to keep it as friends, because I'm falling for him too. I just don't know what to expect. Am I gonna have to be on him all the time to handle business? Is he gonna take the initiative? Is he going to be able to keep his hands off me? If we jump into something right away is it going to interfere with what he needs to do? I live in a small town and I'm worried that he won't be able to find work or get into the programs he wants. If they transfer his parole, will the appointments be at a place near enough by? I just don't know what to expect, what to hope for, and if I should let myself love him like he loves me. Any input is welcome! Thanks!

lovingwifewaiti · #**137** 12-10-2011, 09:09 PM

A year ago at this time I was on this site giving support and receiving it from many women. Al has been home for 9 months, ironically the length of time he was sentenced to jail. It never got any easier. He never helped me with the bills nor did he relieve the pressures of life and keeping the household going while he was away. I so looked forward to that. My arthritis is a battle I continue with, stress always makes it worse. I devoted my life to helping this man, fighting the court system, paying all his bills while he was away, traveling from Maine to New Hampshire every week end, putting money on his account. When Al came home it didn't seem so different at first. I knew I would need to be patient-he needed time to adjust. The last 4 1/2 months he has sat in his recliner watching tv, eating, and sleeping there. No hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. I continued to work 65-70 hours a week and would come home to nothing being done in the house. Al is also a diabetic. I tried everything, taking him to appointments, buying what he needed, getting him signed up for free insulin. Then when he started doing odd things like leaving burners on and taking the wrong dog to the vet our doctor suggested a brain scan. That was supposed to happen yesterday. It didn't happen ladies. You see my husband that I loved and adored, put my life on hold for, dried myself to sleep for, worked my tail off for had me arrested! I am homeless at the present time. He sits in my home that I have been busting my butt to pay for and I can't go near my home. I cannot afford a lawyer and find it hard to handle after all I did. I still cry because there is a part of me that continues to love him. How you ask? Because I gave 500% to this man. I loved him with all my heart. He was my world and you just don't forget. Would I do it again? No, of course not. The first date would have been the last. I can't change the past and yes I am hurting. I have filed an amendment to bail as he is packing up to move to his mommy! Most likely I will go home to find I have been wiped out. He thinks he will collect social security. Personally I have thought he is hiding behind being a felon. If he would take care of himself he could work. It will be hard moving on. At this point I do not wish to ever date again. Trust in men is gone. My son is coming home from Kentucky for Christmas and I can't even go home to have a tree. My other son is here and tonight I am crashing at his apartment. His room mate is gone. That is one night I have a roof over my head. Tomorrow night...who knows. I never dreamt I would be in this situation.

Jhvikingqueen · #**138** 12-10-2011, 10:11 PM

Lovingwifewaiti

I read your threads about your journey and feel compelled to respond, which I normally dont respond to many directly.

My heart hurts for you. You bled nothing but love and encouragement and patience fr this man. All you wanted was a fifty fifty relationship, some help ad co
Passion and you got nothing!

I am so sorry to see that you were arrested?!?! I didnt find a post about the details, but that is terrible I hope he realizes what an idiot he is and you get back on your feet and are happier and healthier without him.

You are In my thoughts and I wish you well! Please keep us posted!

lovingwifewaiti · #**139** 12-11-2011, 04:32 AM

He accused me of domestic assault and criminal threatening. He had thrown a phone at me for the third time, not in one evening mind you. I had earlier asked for help with house work and then this particular night I got the mail and there was a Christmas party invitation addressed to him only. You see his mom turned on me. I called her one day saying I didn't know what to do. Al sits in his chair all day and sleeps there at night. He doesn't help me with anything. Doesn't take his medications properly. She said it was my fault and my grown kids. My fault! I spent $18,000 helping your son, wrote letters every single day so he always had mail, (she wrote one letter in the whole incarceration time) drove to see him in another state every week end, put funds on his account, and I ate cereal every meal so he wouldn't go without! Hmmm.....I told him when I gave him the invite that I didn't want to fight but that was very hurtful after all I had done. That's all it took and war broke out. I left and spent 3 plus hours with friends and came home to being locked out. I used my key to get in and he informed me that I couldn't be there. The police were looking for me. I called and was asked to come in. I was arrested. Never saw it coming or what I was to have done. Only clue was that night he said I would know what it felt like to go to jail. And ladies-I am now out of my own home!

lovingwifewaiti · #**140** 12-13-2011, 08:26 PM

I go to court on the 20th of this month to see if I can get bail amended. Looking to get back into my home. Please pray for me as I need something positive. My son is due home for Christmas and we have no tree. There won't be many presents no matter where I end up. I just want my life back and to move on.

lovingwifewaiti · #**141** 12-14-2011, 07:07 PM

Once again he has delayed leaving. Supposedly Saturday this time! I can't believe this. I have been told he has dumped my bureau contents onto my bed, my night stand onto my bed! I spent over $18,000 on him and this is what he does? I have 2 overnight shifts coming up. I need my home back so my dogs can settle back in.

lovingwifewaiti · #**142** 12-28-2011, 03:46 AM

I have been to court for the bail amendment and almost didn't get my home back. The DA was convinced Al and I were together at my home and that he had been to his probation officer the day before. He was not even in the state and I had a letter stating so. That was not enough and I literally begged her to call Connecticut. I was treated like scum until we went back into court at 1pm that afternoon. When she realized I was telling the truth everything changed. I got my house back and my sons and girlfriends spent Christmas with me. Friends came over for Christmas and my stepson (from my first marriage) called. Every single one of them told me that they didn't like him and thought he was using me. I needed to hear it. I spoke with the DA yesterday and was told that they have requested more information from the police department. I was told by the prosecutor that I did not need to go to court on the 3rd. I cannot get it in writing so I will go anyways to be safe. I spoke to the police chief and he said he hasn't received anything from the DA as of yet. I asked him what he thought it meant as I have known him for 20 years and he felt they didn't have enough for their case. I guess not-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! Please keep praying for me. I will say this, now that I have had a week in my home alone and that my house is back in order I don't miss him. My rose colored glasses are off and I see how mentally abusive he actually was. I feel like one chain has been cut from my ankle and once I get through the rest and divorce him the other chain will fall off. I was used up and hurt but it is a lesson in life!

lovingwifewaiti · #**143** 01-06-2012, 09:31 PM

Just wanted to let you know that I hired an attorney and filed for divorce today. He will be served next week. He is already on a web site for dating, targeting older women. He is looking for a woman up to the age of 64! I am standing tall, and actually pretty proud of how I have picked myself up. I have another vehicle. I hired harvesters for my woodlot and will receive an income from it. I made up my mind that I will not feel sorry for myself. I will not try to fix it as he never loved me-that is clear. I will be stronger from it and have found it unbelievable the number of people that are being supportive. I am at peace with my final decision and peace feels good. He was a very selfish man and I deserve better then that.

Thank you for your support.

Jhvikingqueen · #**144** 01-07-2012, 03:42 AM

Good to hear your standing your ground and starting to bounce back, I knew it would only get worse before it got better but here's to a great start to your 2012. I know it hurts and it's not what you imagined but it sounds like the best option for you. Keep us posted!

lovingwifewaiti · #**145** 01-07-2012, 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jhvikingqueen

Good to hear your standing your ground and starting to bounce back, I knew it would only get worse before it got better but here's to a great start to your 2012. I know it hurts and it's not what you imagined but it sounds like the best option for you. Keep us posted!

It is the best option for me. A person doesn't realize how much they are being drug down until they step back or out of the situation. It is sad because I am a giving person and that may be my problem-to giving. I loved with all my heart, supported him with all my heart, and he was very selfish. Ladies-if the man in your life cannot accept your children move on. It is a good indication that they will always fight you on anything to do with your children. My kids are 21 and 25. They were good to him but not the other way around.

Sheryl P. · #**146** 01-07-2012, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingwifewaiti

Just wanted to let you know that I hired an attorney and filed for divorce today. He will be served next week. He is already on a web site for dating, targeting older women. He is looking for a woman up to the age of 64! I am standing tall, and actually pretty proud of how I have picked myself up. I have another vehicle. I hired harvesters for my woodlot and will receive an income from it. I made up my mind that I will not feel sorry for myself. I will not try to fix it as he never loved me-that is clear. I will be stronger from it and have found it unbelievable the number of people that are being supportive. I am at peace with my final decision and peace feels good. He was a very selfish man and I deserve better then that.

Thank you for your support.

Good for you!
He is a selfish jerk and I would guess that being diabetic,he will be having some serious health issues very soon.
I only feel sorry for the poor woman who answers his dating site ad(s).
Via con Dios.

Kat8 · #**147** 01-22-2012, 03:38 PM

Hi everyone,

I am new to this. Reading your stories has been very good therapy for me. My husband has only been out for 3 months from serving a 9 year sentence. Even more bizarre but romantic is that we have been married for 2 months. I had no idea things would be this hard. I love him so much, but the life and mental state is very difficult to deal with.

privatejan · #**148** 01-27-2012, 05:10 AM

He's been home a week, and we've fought/argued constantly. As far as I know, he remains sober but despite his having completed the IPP program (serving 10 mos. of a 2 yr sentence), he STILL exhibits the same negative relationship behaviors and sounds like his criminality is still existent, just set aside, for now... We agreed on so many things over the phone and through emails/letters while he was "in", but he has shattered my trust already (by contacting/associating with certain people). He's actively looking for work, claims he NEEDS or HAS to go to AA Meetings frequently (thus, I am alone a lot, yes, again.) I encouraged and supported him, but he is gone to attend sometimes 2 meetings a day and is away for hours at a time. At first he said it may help if I went with one with me. And after a week of his going, I offered to accompany him, but now all I hear are "I don't care's" and excuses as to why I should wait for him to determine a "home" group. He doesn't seem to "want" to be with me anymore. He's always scurrying off someplace. I'm afraid prison or the IPP program hasn't helped at all, and that I am stuck with him now, because he has nowhere else to go. I am afraid I made the wrong decision in welcoming him back into my life. Will this get better? Should I hang in there or just kick him to the curb?

siscoswifey · #**149** 02-11-2012, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by privatejan

He's been home a week, and we've fought/argued constantly. As far as I know, he remains sober but despite his having completed the IPP program (serving 10 mos. of a 2 yr sentence), he STILL exhibits the same negative relationship behaviors and sounds like his criminality is still existent, just set aside, for now... We agreed on so many things over the phone and through emails/letters while he was "in", but he has shattered my trust already (by contacting/associating with certain people). He's actively looking for work, claims he NEEDS or HAS to go to AA Meetings frequently (thus, I am alone a lot, yes, again.) I encouraged and supported him, but he is gone to attend sometimes 2 meetings a day and is away for hours at a time. At first he said it may help if I went with one with me. And after a week of his going, I offered to accompany him, but now all I hear are "I don't care's" and excuses as to why I should wait for him to determine a "home" group. He doesn't seem to "want" to be with me anymore. He's always scurrying off someplace. I'm afraid prison or the IPP program hasn't helped at all, and that I am stuck with him now, because he has nowhere else to go. I am afraid I made the wrong decision in welcoming him back into my life. Will this get better? Should I hang in there or just kick him to the curb?

Whether you should hang on or give up is a decision that no one but you can make. No one else is living it except for you. They also have support groups for family members and loved ones that take the same form of AA. You could seek one of those out and I am sure you would get a lot of help and support. I have never been an alcoholic or addicted to a drug so I really have no idea how long those meetings last and I think how many you need to go to is different from person to person and how strongly you are wanting to partake in the substance you have issues with. So I don't want to just say yes he is using that as an excuse to get away from you as much as possible because I really don't know. The fact that he originally asked you to go with him and now keeps putting it off and making excuses does not bode well. I have gone to meetings before with a loved one. If you do decide that you are done with him I don't think you should stay just because he has nowhere else to go. You need to have "the talk" with him. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms exactly how you feel and that you are on the verge of being done with him and see what his reaction is. Ask him if he is willing to seek couples counseling. If he answers you with a bunch of excuses and I don't cares then you have your answer on what you should do. A relationship takes 2 people, you can't hold it together all on your own.

willbacherry · #**150** 07-14-2012, 07:32 AM

My man returned in 9/2011 from a long 10 yr extended stay, as we put it. Harsh sentence for the charges. We aren't married...but have been on and off for 17 years. I love him with ALL of my heart. He wrote and called the whole time he was away. The 7 yrs prior to him being sent away, I watched women in and out of his house that were there only for one reason....yes, he received manufacturing charges. I was in and out of relationships through the 17 yrs, but it all came back to him. He is a self made individual. A strong man. When he came home, I wouldnt date him for fear of once again being shattered. I wasn't allowed to visit him in prison. My record had been expunged so there were no felonies to bar me from visitation. My letters were returned by the prison. Luckily, he was allowed furloughs from time to time. He's still hurt because he didn't receive letters from me and I can understand this....but I kept each one to show they were returned. When he went away, I honestly felt like I couldnt breathe...my love for him was and is that strong. Finally, after he had been out for a few months, I agreed to see him in Jan of 2012. We spend the weekends together because of the hours that he works during the week. He doesn't drink and is clean. I am so proud of this man!!! We don't sleep in the same bed, for he fears waking up and hitting me. He also doesn't sleep very sound now, but we're working on it. We've had some rocky points, but we're hanging in there. While he was away, he loved me and wanted to marry me as soon as he got out. Now...I know beyond a shadow of doubt, he loves me....but the marriage issue has kind of drifted. We're getting to know each other again. He still regaining his self esteem. 10 years of brainwashing takes a toll on even the strongest of people. He, too, talks of prison frequently, but I understand why. He is a still my man, but an even better man. I admire him and there is no one else for me. I pray for the others who are going through the "return home" situation. It's not always easy, but it's a struggle that we are going through together. He is still very private about somethings and doesn't include me. At first it offended me, but after thinking it all through, I know that there is a reason and it's not to hurt me. He would never intentionally do that now. I have waited 17 years for this wonderful man and will be here when he's ready. I'm so blessed that he has turned his life around. Patience is key...but I still have to remind myself at times as we are both very outspoken individuals. We are both like fire....in every sense of the word. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you!!!