Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Lunastarz · #1 07-18-2012, 11:38 PM

Hey chickadees:

I was wondering if anyone felt like this. I find myself angry at my non-supportive family for not being there when I needed them the most. Before my abusive relationship I was often told that I was strong and driven to be so young (note: the age in my profile isn't actually my age, its for incognito purposes) My older, authoritative figure family members came to me when they needed a place to live, or money. They have lived with me without contributing and borrowed money from me without paying back.

I never had anywhere else to go or no one to depend on because they were so busy trying to depend on me when I should have been able to look up to them. Anyways, they basically lived, ate and got chauffeured off of my dime especially when I was receiving unemployment, I guess I was more available to help since I had no job but was still receiving an income.

Anyways, none of them ever said, I am here if you need me, I will help you with the kid, or you don't have to take that. instead when they found out about my DV relationship they used it as a topic for gossip. While my Ex's family had no problems with telling me that I was the cause of his violent behavior, despite his past D.V. cases, my family was so busy trying to befriend him instead of sticking up for me.

So one of my family members recently referred to me by saying "Oh how the mighty has fallen" This same family member is a 48 year old church involved, religious, whore munging womanizer who lived with me and told me it was my fault for allowing my ex to believe I didn't have a supportive family. I never told my ex that but he already knew what type of family I had and they made that clearly obvious when they kissed his ass and acted as if I didn't need help.

My own people gloated in my pain, I had a very hard beginning as a child and I managed to overcome that pain and loss. I was never smart but I struggled through college but now I have 2 degrees going on my 3rd. i was always told I would not be anything and although I really don't have anything now I am still trying but instead of encouraging me sometimes it's like they try to compete with me when they are the very ones I should be looking up to. I have never thrown my accomplishments in their faces because what I did was not special. This is why I stayed with my abuser, he may have knocked me around but at least he was there when I needed him. My family ain't worth shit and I have a lot of resentment because of that especially because I still talk to them very often. Sometimes I'd rather get punched in the face on a daily basis than to deal with my family constantly.

So Question: Has anyone just stayed in an abusive relationship just to avoid family or was your abuser more supportive than you own family?

nimuay · #2 07-19-2012, 04:25 AM

I think a large percentage of us get into abusive romantic relationships because we're already trained to be in them by our childhood circumstances. We have a sense of loss, an emptiness, that we keep trying to fill. We can't, of course, because it's the past and not changeable. It's also a feeling that is overwhelmingly strong and many times irresistible.

I totally understand your anger and resentment.

It's therapy time, kiddo. Lots of therapy....and even though it's about DV, it's also about the set-up that got you there. It's about learning to resist the longing to fix the past, about learning to resist the irresistible.

It's do-able.

Geauxin'KraZee · #3 07-19-2012, 07:41 AM

I left home and married the first Guy who paid attention to me. I couldn't wait to get out of the hell hole that I grew up in. I soon realized that I only just jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire. You unknowingly seek out what is familiar to you. It will likely continue until the blessed day comes that you are hit with a gift I call AWARENESS! you can't fix what isn't acknowledged.

bumblebee37 · #4 07-19-2012, 12:51 PM

I wouldn't worry to much what others say or think. Just keep getting your education, soaring to new levels, and take care of yourself. Evidently they have their own issue's so let them stew in them.
I know for some, such as myself, I have little patience for domestic violence. I have reached out to victims (beyond my job) and it is discouraging to find instead of moving forward I found them secretly meeting, texting, accepting calls and putting their children in bad situations of recklessly endangering them by taking them around a highly volatile situation...sort of made me feel like a idiot so I backed away from helping the next victim who might have actually wanted out and needed the support.
I will admit to this board that before my son passed he actually punched me and knocked me on my ass. I want to believe it was the medication, maybe the pain of his disease but it actually made me stand back and take notice because never in my life did I believe my son could do that to me. But I, bb, actually carried a black eye for almost a month and it was devastated beyond belief it happened to me but I never left his side so I can never again believe or say that I wouldn't put up with that shit.

Just don't let your unsupported friends and relatives knock you down or back in your mind because they didn't support you. It really wasn't their battle and we all know how folks like to gossip...

screw'em

yourself · #5 07-19-2012, 01:09 PM

Remember that old saying - you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives.

"Family" is just a legal relationship for many of us. Shelve them, get them out of your life, and for goodness sake, don't listen to them if they do not have your best interests in mind.

Yes, it really sucks when "family" is nothing more than a legal relationship (that they use to manipulate you into doing what they want). But, you can realize that they may be family in name, but not family by action. You can cut them out of your life and heal.

Once you heal those family of origin wounds, you may have a better idea of why you got into a DV relationship in the first place. Once you do that, you can surround yourself with friends and a healthy support system. And the next guy you take an interest in will be far less likely to be a batterer.

Like nim says, therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

Lunastarz · #6 07-19-2012, 03:52 PM

Yes indeed! Well I chose a behavioral health clinic and gave it to my pcp so she is sending th referral. I can't wait to go to therapy, I have so much to work through. I started my cymbalta 30mg last night and omg I been up for almost 24 hours straight. Last night when it kicked in I immediately got depressed and started thinking possible suicide for my life failures and homicide for the people who hurt me. That shit is like crack, and a little bit of LSD its strong and my thoughts were real, I don't normally think like that. Also I take migraine medicine so I think that intensified the effect so I am still a little wired. It also couldve been seritonin syndrome too. I read many reviews on cymbalta and those complaints mirror my symptoms. I might go back to st johns wort and just up the dosage, I don't think I want to continue just to see if it'll get better. I believe therapy is the ultimate healer.

As always thanks guys for the support

Geauxin'KraZee · #7 07-19-2012, 06:07 PM

Let your therapist know everything that is going on and don't hold back. As for medication- that should be monitored closely by your physician. Unfortunately, some of these meds side affects are. Very dangerous and IMO,should be banned. Thoughts of suicide is a side affect of many of the anti-depressants and I just feel that it defeats the whole purpose of taking them in the first place.
All my best to you-keep us posted and share your progress. I really believe you will do very well with your therapy.

**sidewalker** · #8 07-19-2012, 07:19 PM

I am so so sorry you have the type of family that sinks to that crap.
Very first thing, none of them would be crossing my doorstep again. Ever.
Ok I lied......first thing is see your doctor and or therapist to deal with your medical/psych issues. (concerned about the meds.......Yikes!)

Next time a family member needs a place???
sorry, no room at the inn. The *mighty* fell right across the threshold and so you cant step in here.

Feel sorry for them but dont let them take advantage of you ever again.

Im really sorry they are of NO help at all.

Lunastarz · #9 07-19-2012, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sidewalker

I am so so sorry you have the type of family that sinks to that crap.
Very first thing, none of them would be crossing my doorstep again. Ever.
Ok I lied......first thing is see your doctor and or therapist to deal with your medical/psych issues. (concerned about the meds.......Yikes!)

Next time a family member needs a place???
sorry, no room at the inn. The *mighty* fell right across the threshold and so you cant step in here.

Feel sorry for them but dont let them take advantage of you ever again.

Im really sorry they are of NO help at all.

Lol! I will definitely tell them that. They used to use guilt trips all the time on me but I am learning and now starting to see through them so I avoid the tactic, I'm just learning so I still get duped but I'm starting recognize it more

juss me6 · #10 07-19-2012, 08:47 PM

Eh. People like to use nice people. I have been used a lot. Learn to harden up and be a bitch....I use guilt trips to get what I want all the time. It usually works. Example, babe rub my feet (him) no(me) but babe they hurt from working and cleaning and cooking you that big dinner u want...yup I get my way another example, mom I need to borrow some money (mom) for what (me) these shoes I want and some gas in my car (mom) no to the shoes but ill give you gas (me) but that's not even right I hardly ask you for anything you give them money all the time and I said ill pay you back on pay day by pay day they will be gone. Its not right you treat me like an outcast. (Mom) alright fine.

Lunastarz · #11 07-19-2012, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by juss me6

Eh. People like to use nice people. I have been used a lot. Learn to harden up and be a bitch....I use guilt trips to get what I want all the time. It usually works. Example, babe rub my feet (him) no(me) but babe they hurt from working and cleaning and cooking you that big dinner u want...yup I get my way another example, mom I need to borrow some money (mom) for what (me) these shoes I want and some gas in my car (mom) no to the shoes but ill give you gas (me) but that's not even right I hardly ask you for anything you give them money all the time and I said ill pay you back on pay day by pay day they will be gone. Its not right you treat me like an outcast. (Mom) alright fine.

Lol! Oh I will start being a bitch to the ones who like to use and manipulate others. I know no one is going to like me for it but seems like bitches get respect. I don't want to be a victim in life anymore to anyone or anything and that will take me growing some big bitch balls.

Free Again · #12 07-20-2012, 12:27 AM

"Bitches" don't get respect.... "Bitches" get known for being bitchy.... You just carry yourself with dignity and earn your respect Hon. It's OK to say no, say NO firmly, mean it and stick to it.

You gotta respect YOURSELF, and I have NEVER in my life respected a bitch. Do what you have to do to get what you want for yourself... You already know how to do that so keep on goin.

Geauxin'KraZee · #13 07-20-2012, 07:09 AM

I agree, free again! I will not lower my self by becoming "a bitch". That's just stooping to someone else's level!

Free Again · #14 07-20-2012, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geauxin'KraZee

I agree, free again! I will not lower my self by becoming "a bitch". That's just stooping to someone else's level!

I AM aware that often times being labled a "bitch" can stem from other ppls inability to force our hands, or, from us stating truths as we see them that are not welcomed. That is NOT being a bitch, it is merely claiming our own power.

Using guilt, lying, throwing tantrums or otherwise being a manipulator is an immature and immoral way to get what we want from ppl and IMO the definition of a "Bitch". Attempting to stand over another person is being a "Bitch".

Discern the difference, learn to just say no, learn to speak up when the need arises, learn to get what you need for yourself without deception. Teach the ppl around you that you deserve respect, learn that you deserve it yourself. When you have done that, it won't ever matter again that ANYONE names you "Bitch", you will see it for what it truly is... Sour Grapes....

Lunastarz · #15 07-20-2012, 10:46 PM

I definitely agree with you Free and Geaux. That is why I said "I will be a bitch to the ones who use and manipulate others." Because those are the types of people who are gonna label you a bitch anyways because they can't get what they want. i have always let those types of people put a guilt trip on me because I always had a strong conscience and I never wanted to hurt people so when they called me a bitch for standing up for something, their allegations would just slap my self esteem down to the ground and I would become guilt filled and extremely remorseful.

But I want to start exercising being assertive. I have wasted my life being manipulated by others because they know I feared disapproval. I don't want to be a doormat anymore and I won't be so I will be that "Bitch" that they are looking for. I am not afraid to lose family or friend relationships anymore if it means that I will be manipulated.

Free Again · #16 07-20-2012, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lunastarz

I definitely agree with you Free and Geaux. That is why I said "I will be a bitch to the ones who use and manipulate others." Because those are the types of people who are gonna label you a bitch anyways because they can't get what they want. i have always let those types of people put a guilt trip on me because I always had a strong conscience and I never wanted to hurt people so when they called me a bitch for standing up for something, their allegations would just slap my self esteem down to the ground and I would become guilt filled and extremely remorseful.

But I want to start exercising being assertive. I have wasted my life being manipulated by others because they know I feared disapproval. I don't want to be a doormat anymore and I won't be so I will be that "Bitch" that they are looking for. I am not afraid to lose family or friend relationships anymore if it means that I will be manipulated.

Be vigilant Hon, remind yourself of this everyday. It is too easy to backslide...

Lunastarz · #17 07-20-2012, 11:07 PM

I will continue to be me, Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's not so bad to be a compassionate person. I always hated the fact that I was overly sensitive and I cry at the drop of a hat when someone is hurt even if I don't know them but I will continue to be strong when I need to be. I know many people may not be religious and I don't mean to offend anyone with this post but I started reading the bible and I noticed that as I read the story of Jesus, he was upstanding and straight to the point without being nasty or mean about it. People still found fault in him because those people hated truth. However, He still maintained a character of righteousness while being firm. I am not a religious person and I don't go to church but I always believed in GOD and I found this to be very helpful as I try to heal.

Being Vigilant is the best thing that I can do. I need to practice it everyday because there is so much temptation out there and it will do nothing but bring me down further that I was before.

Thank you guys. I love you all, this board has be such a blessing to me and GOD bless you all for continuously blessing me with your words or support and encouragement, i'm about to cry i am such a punk ass! LOL

Free Again · #18 07-20-2012, 11:39 PM

I know you probably would not think so, but, you and I have WAAAY more in common than you would think!!. I wanted to help sooo badly in my early stages here, I was soooo scared of saying the wrong thing and hurting someones feelings that EVERY TIME I posted I would ask Nimuay and/or Le Beau too check and see if I should delete my posts. I would cry for everyone and everything, myself included. Compassion is GREAT, just remember to be compassionate to yourself and your children first and foremost. Balance is the key. Guess where I learnt that?. LOL.

You are good at this, you know what you are doing.

egbdf65 · #19 07-21-2012, 06:42 AM

What I did was invite people into my life who I could recreate my family situation with. I hurt myself much more than anyone else. I was always attracted to people who were looking for shortcuts in life and I would scapegoat myself for them and give them my power.

No one can take your power unless you give it away.

There is something very evil about human nature that has to be accepted - everyone has the potential to be users. Stop saving your family - and stop saving men. This will probably take some serious work in 12-step recovery. I wouldn't do it without that specific instruction, no way, otherwise you will probably live a life of never-resolved anger, divorced from your family, and that's not the point.

Don't ignore your anger or cover it up with another disaster or with a drink or drug. Accept your rage. Cry, scream, and cry some more. God already knows every single event of your life. He knows everything your heart feels. He loves you and wants you to trust that He has a plan for your life. he wants you to trust Him and stop leaning on these people and hurting yourself. Go to Him in the dark at night, lie with Him on your bed and hold your pillow, let Him to comfort you. Let Him heal the little child inside of you that still cries out for love and validation.

Set some serious boundaries with people in your life who are sick - let them go to a natural degree. You're hurting them by saving them from their own pain and giving them someone to transfer blame to.

If you seek recovery, your patterns will eventually stop automatically. You'll get to a place where you can heal and forgive them. They're operating with what they were given -- but your pain demands that you must change.

Hopefully others can overcome - not so for us. We have become sicker than most. We are the rejected, the blamed, the "worthless", the ones who end up in a prison of our own making. For us there are no shortcuts, we need a Higher Power found in the rooms of AA, ACA and Alanon.

Give God a chance here. He'll heal you until your anger and fear is replaced with God's compassionate understanding for others - and for yourself, and you'll find a way to freedom. You'll be able to help others like yourself and that's where the bliss really comes - you'll have the most fulfilling job in the world....and a purpose and a reason for living.

I wish you peace along your journey.

Lunastarz · #20 07-21-2012, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by egbdf65

What I did was invite people into my life who I could recreate my family situation with. I hurt myself much more than anyone else. I was always attracted to people who were looking for shortcuts in life and I would scapegoat myself for them and give them my power.

No one can take your power unless you give it away.

There is something very evil about human nature that has to be accepted - everyone has the potential to be users. Stop saving your family - and stop saving men. This will probably take some serious work in 12-step recovery. I wouldn't do it without that specific instruction, no way, otherwise you will probably live a life of never-resolved anger, divorced from your family, and that's not the point.

Don't ignore your anger or cover it up with another disaster or with a drink or drug. Accept your rage. Cry, scream, and cry some more. God already knows every single event of your life. He knows everything your heart feels. He loves you and wants you to trust that He has a plan for your life. he wants you to trust Him and stop leaning on these people and hurting yourself. Go to Him in the dark at night, lie with Him on your bed and hold your pillow, let Him to comfort you. Let Him heal the little child inside of you that still cries out for love and validation.

Set some serious boundaries with people in your life who are sick - let them go to a natural degree. You're hurting them by saving them from their own pain and giving them someone to transfer blame to.

If you seek recovery, your patterns will eventually stop automatically. You'll get to a place where you can heal and forgive them. They're operating with what they were given -- but your pain demands that you must change.

Hopefully others can overcome - not so for us. We have become sicker than most. We are the rejected, the blamed, the "worthless", the ones who end up in a prison of our own making. For us there are no shortcuts, we need a Higher Power found in the rooms of AA, ACA and Alanon.

Give God a chance here. He'll heal you until your anger and fear is replaced with God's compassionate understanding for others - and for yourself, and you'll find a way to freedom. You'll be able to help others like yourself and that's where the bliss really comes - you'll have the most fulfilling job in the world....and a purpose and a reason for living.

I wish you peace along your journey.

Thank you so much Eg your words are very much appreciated

only1love · #21 08-02-2012, 10:41 AM

I understand your feelings. My family is certainly no prize and basically unavailable for anything unless they need something.

I have had years and years of therapy and I am much better now. You will learn lots of things about yourself in therapy as well as tools to use to set up your boundaries. I have gained the strength to tell my siblings that they do not have permission to just pick on me. They have been told it is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Once in a while, I have to re-circulate the memo.

Basically, the short version is, I am there for them if they are sick or need medical attention. Once recovered, I am gone.

Therapy is very helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lunastarz

Hey chickadees:

I was wondering if anyone felt like this. I find myself angry at my non-supportive family for not being there when I needed them the most. Before my abusive relationship I was often told that I was strong and driven to be so young (note: the age in my profile isn't actually my age, its for incognito purposes) My older, authoritative figure family members came to me when they needed a place to live, or money. They have lived with me without contributing and borrowed money from me without paying back.

I never had anywhere else to go or no one to depend on because they were so busy trying to depend on me when I should have been able to look up to them. Anyways, they basically lived, ate and got chauffeured off of my dime especially when I was receiving unemployment, I guess I was more available to help since I had no job but was still receiving an income.

Anyways, none of them ever said, I am here if you need me, I will help you with the kid, or you don't have to take that. instead when they found out about my DV relationship they used it as a topic for gossip. While my Ex's family had no problems with telling me that I was the cause of his violent behavior, despite his past D.V. cases, my family was so busy trying to befriend him instead of sticking up for me.

So one of my family members recently referred to me by saying "Oh how the mighty has fallen" This same family member is a 48 year old church involved, religious, whore munging womanizer who lived with me and told me it was my fault for allowing my ex to believe I didn't have a supportive family. I never told my ex that but he already knew what type of family I had and they made that clearly obvious when they kissed his ass and acted as if I didn't need help.

My own people gloated in my pain, I had a very hard beginning as a child and I managed to overcome that pain and loss. I was never smart but I struggled through college but now I have 2 degrees going on my 3rd. i was always told I would not be anything and although I really don't have anything now I am still trying but instead of encouraging me sometimes it's like they try to compete with me when they are the very ones I should be looking up to. I have never thrown my accomplishments in their faces because what I did was not special. This is why I stayed with my abuser, he may have knocked me around but at least he was there when I needed him. My family ain't worth shit and I have a lot of resentment because of that especially because I still talk to them very often. Sometimes I'd rather get punched in the face on a daily basis than to deal with my family constantly.

So Question: Has anyone just stayed in an abusive relationship just to avoid family or was your abuser more supportive than you own family?

bellisq · #22 08-03-2012, 08:07 PM

Why do you have to talk to them so frequently? A little distance is a good thing, that's why we have caller ID. I'm learning the hard way that difficult relationships actually get worse with time, instead of better as I hoped. I work with lots of people who get prosecuted, and as a result, have a change in financial status for the worse. It is practically becoming predictable to see how their families seem to relish the challenges they face. It doesn't happen to everybody but I've seen it enough to understand that envy was at the root of the reaction in every case. Protect yourself and in any interaction if disrespect, insult or rage comes out, then learn to disengage immediately. It has nothing to do with crying easily, this type of behavior is wounding and you have been wounded enough. And I don't know anybody who has the wherewithal to successfully pay for and pursue 3 higher degrees who isn't smart. Don't label yourself, that's coming from somewhere else. You are definitely SMART. Therapy is great and I hope you get a good therapist who understands your situation and who helps you navigate the next stage of your life.

Lunastarz · #23 08-03-2012, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellisq

Why do you have to talk to them so frequently? A little distance is a good thing, that's why we have caller ID. I'm learning the hard way that difficult relationships actually get worse with time, instead of better as I hoped. I work with lots of people who get prosecuted, and as a result, have a change in financial status for the worse. It is practically becoming predictable to see how their families seem to relish the challenges they face. It doesn't happen to everybody but I've seen it enough to understand that envy was at the root of the reaction in every case. Protect yourself and in any interaction if disrespect, insult or rage comes out, then learn to disengage immediately. It has nothing to do with crying easily, this type of behavior is wounding and you have been wounded enough. And I don't know anybody who has the wherewithal to successfully pay for and pursue 3 higher degrees who isn't smart. Don't label yourself, that's coming from somewhere else. You are definitely SMART. Therapy is great and I hope you get a good therapist who understands your situation and who helps you navigate the next stage of your life.

Thank you, I have distanced myself now I am getting to the point that if they are gonna be there for me, then they will just be there for me regardless. I don't want to be bound by conditions anymore and I won't be. My new therapist is great, I am excited to finally work on me