Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

msandre88 · #1 07-08-2012, 10:46 PM

My man seems to have all these goals and "dreams" for what he wants to do with his life when he gets out. He talks about so many things he wants to do....we are getting real close to his 50% which means he could be getting out soon....i love him with all my heart...i just worry
that he thinks that it is gonna be easy to stay clean...i want to here his plans and i want him to not have so many things to do when he gets out...How do I set priorities for him? I do not need him to work, but I need him to work on staying clean. He wants to much i think,.....but i dont want him to relapse because so many things cant be realistic....does anyone have any suggestions?

**lisainengland** · #2 07-09-2012, 04:43 AM

I think you can encourage his goals and dreams but at the same time you might need to spell out the reality to him. Perhaps you can discuss the downsides of what he wants to achieve and tell him to set himself little goals to start with but that you want his main goal to be staying clean.

Also it might be a good idea to look for local Nar - Anon meetings that you can both attend when he gets out.

I wish you both all the best in the future

InmateLover67 · #3 07-09-2012, 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msandre88

My man seems to have all these goals and "dreams" for what he wants to do with his life when he gets out. He talks about so many things he wants to do....we are getting real close to his 50% which means he could be getting out soon....i love him with all my heart...i just worry
that he thinks that it is gonna be easy to stay clean...i want to here his plans and i want him to not have so many things to do when he gets out...How do I set priorities for him? I do not need him to work, but I need him to work on staying clean. He wants to much i think,.....but i dont want him to relapse because so many things cant be realistic....does anyone have any suggestions?

First of all, it should not be your responsibility to set his priorities for him. He is an adult and he will do what he feels he needs to do. It is up to him to stay clean, and it is up to you to get involved in your own recovery, because living with an addict is no cake-walk. If you are not solid in your own program, this could take you down.

My advice would be, to support him in his plans and allow him to find his own way. He does not need a mother and it would be good if he were to get a job, so your needs may not be what his are.

Again, find a support group you can attend, and allow him to make his own way for his recovery. There is no guarentee that he will stay clean, or even relapse, but it is HIS journey, not yours.

I am not trying to be harsh, but I know what it is like living with an addict and it is very important that you detach from his addiction and stay connected to your goals and self-care.

I hope he gets out, stays clean and has a future filled with opportuntites. I wish you both the best.

One day at a time!

Peace~

jordans wifey · #4 07-09-2012, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msandre88

My man seems to have all these goals and "dreams" for what he wants to do with his life when he gets out. He talks about so many things he wants to do....we are getting real close to his 50% which means he could be getting out soon....i love him with all my heart...i just worry
that he thinks that it is gonna be easy to stay clean...i want to here his plans and i want him to not have so many things to do when he gets out...How do I set priorities for him? I do not need him to work, but I need him to work on staying clean. He wants to much i think,.....but i dont want him to relapse because so many things cant be realistic....does anyone have any suggestions?

Hey my fiancé messed up his probation that's y he is in again because he thought it would be easy the first time n not relapse n it's not. You can help him with his priorities but he needs to set them himself. Like Jordan he finally has his priorities set he needs to for our kids n us. But I go to an with him n I let him know I'm here I understand because I'm an ex addict n it's hard but do things with him stand by him love him and also let him know u are going to be his rock n stand firm n he will stay clean. I told mine I'm going to make sure he stays busy especially with out three toddlers lol. If u ever need to chat I'm here

4ever love · #5 07-10-2012, 07:39 PM

If you don't want him to relapse, he, as a man, needs to work. Whether it be working a job, around the house, busy man-kind of work. I've asked many men and all of them need that work thing. It establishes who they are, and frankly, keeps them busy and with less time for trouble.

I've also found men need to find their own or they just somehow don't think they acquired it in the right way. I know this may sound strange to a woman, but it is a man thing.

Ask one

egbdf65 · #6 07-19-2012, 04:27 AM

I got too close to someone who got out of prison and had no action plan for recovery...whatever the details between him and me were, the bottom line is it was a very stupid thing to do...I got used and abused.

Today my personal choice is I would never be with an addict or alcoholic unless they had already recovered through the 12 steps as laid out in their original format in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, whether the person is a drinker, drugger, sex addict, gambler, codependent...there are AA meetings available in prison where that specific work probably isn't being done (it's something he would do in his own time in his cell and I'm guessing he's got the time now/) If he asked around he might very well find someone there who knows that work, or with enough resourcefulness he could probably find a willing man in his state to come up and sponsor him through that work. It takes less then a year.

That being said, it takes a lot of willingness to do the 12 steps...usually a person has to really want recovery bad...

Whatever a person chooses to do for recovery, a necessary & good demonstration to me would be at least going to AA meetings while incarcerated...in my mind anyone who says "that AA shite isn't for me" is not a good bet...their mind is probably snapped shut to actual recovery...either they didn't give it enough real tries and they're not really Willing...maybe they haven't had enough pain yet...some never will.

For my own protection these are my own choices...if there are kids in the picture it's not longer about me, it's about my children...in a situation like that, well - no 12 steps = no relationship.

A good action plan is key to success. Money, a job, material things, prestige, trying to be a tough guy in the hood, seeing the old buddies and going right back to the barroom or the corner or the park...those are all the traps.

May God bless him and bring your guy to Him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by msandre88

My man seems to have all these goals and "dreams" for what he wants to do with his life when he gets out. He talks about so many things he wants to do....we are getting real close to his 50% which means he could be getting out soon....i love him with all my heart...i just worry
that he thinks that it is gonna be easy to stay clean...i want to here his plans and i want him to not have so many things to do when he gets out...How do I set priorities for him? I do not need him to work, but I need him to work on staying clean. He wants to much i think,.....but i dont want him to relapse because so many things cant be realistic....does anyone have any suggestions?

nimuay · #7 07-19-2012, 08:10 AM

I run a barn and train horses. . . and one of my clients came to me the other day to ask if I thought her horse and she were ready to go trail riding. I asked her a question - what tools do you have and what tools does your horse have to ensure your safety? The bottom-line answer was that she hadn't practiced the tools she needs, with her horse, to be sure that his spookiness was under control. So my answer was "No".

What tools does your guy have? Does he have any idea how to go about getting them? For my client, it was one small practice step at a time and then infinite repetitions of it. Then build on that with another small one and practice and repeat and rehearse. You need the tools BEFORE the challenging situation arises!

For your guy, he will need to examine his small assumptions in life, his basic life beliefs. He has to understand where they came from and how they led to his addiction. It's almost impossible to do alone, and that's where AA meetings come in. The people there can spot self-deceptive thinking really well. They can suggest ways to re-think, work-arounds, helpful hints and such. There are always recovered/recovering addicts in the joint, and often there are outside groups who can come in . . . if he's not taking advantage of them as much and as often as possible, then he's not getting his toolbox together.

msandre88 · #8 07-19-2012, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nimuay

I run a barn and train horses. . . and one of my clients came to me the other day to ask if I thought her horse and she were ready to go trail riding. I asked her a question - what tools do you have and what tools does your horse have to ensure your safety? The bottom-line answer was that she hadn't practiced the tools she needs, with her horse, to be sure that his spookiness was under control. So my answer was "No".

What tools does your guy have? Does he have any idea how to go about getting them? For my client, it was one small practice step at a time and then infinite repetitions of it. Then build on that with another small one and practice and repeat and rehearse. You need the tools BEFORE the challenging situation arises!

For your guy, he will need to examine his small assumptions in life, his basic life beliefs. He has to understand where they came from and how they led to his addiction. It's almost impossible to do alone, and that's where AA meetings come in. The people there can spot self-deceptive thinking really well. They can suggest ways to re-think, work-arounds, helpful hints and such. There are always recovered/recovering addicts in the joint, and often there are outside groups who can come in . . . if he's not taking advantage of them as much and as often as possible, then he's not getting his toolbox together.

I asked him about goign to classes and he said that they are not available because he got a ticket....he needs and wants help...its cool u work with horses...bc my mans mom was saying how it would be great if he could take care of horses somewhere...something about he can put on the horseshoes amazingly....he loves horse....but i dont even think we have farms for horses around here...is is however a barber and it sucks bc that is a bad thing ...in regards to drugs.....he told me today he really wants to never do drugs again but he needs help....i am just worried he wont be prepared....i feel like i need to find or have an appointment rigth away for him....

nimuay · #9 07-22-2012, 12:49 PM

Shoeing horses is an perfectly good occupation, but the set-up is fairly expensive. If he wants to begin doing it, there are plenty of horses in CT. He needs to find another farrier who is willing to take on a helper/apprentice. He can look in the Farrier's Journal to see listings of local farriers.

It won't stop the availability of drugs and alcohol, regardless of his work. I've known enough drunk farriers! Send him the AA Big Book so he can start reading and mentally rehearsing his recovery.

missmoma · #10 07-23-2012, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msandre88

My man seems to have all these goals and "dreams" for what he wants to do with his life when he gets out. He talks about so many things he wants to do....we are getting real close to his 50% which means he could be getting out soon....i love him with all my heart...i just worry
that he thinks that it is gonna be easy to stay clean...i want to here his plans and i want him to not have so many things to do when he gets out...How do I set priorities for him? I do not need him to work, but I need him to work on staying clean. He wants to much i think,.....but i dont want him to relapse because so many things cant be realistic....does anyone have any suggestions?

yes you are so right---from experience i had to set 1 goal and achieve it b 4 i could move on to the next goal...im new to this site overlook my mistakes

missmoma · #11 07-23-2012, 12:12 AM

Goals are good---but as an addict i still have to keep it real---one goal at a time until i achieve it!!! Hope this helps you! new to the site trying to find someone to talk with my mom was sentenced to 5 years she's be gone now 8 months and i miss her terribly!!!!

Nicholas'ladyy · #12 08-04-2012, 09:30 AM

I didn't go through each individual post, so I apologize if I repeat some things some people say.

I'm currently having this issue myself.

First off,
You must realize, if he WANTS the drug, no matter what you do or say is going to change anything. For an addict to recover, they must want it for themselves (which is does sound like he wants to), but setting "Responsibilities" and trying to tell him what and what not to do is not going to help anything. If anything, chances are it'll lead him to wanting it more.

You stay as a positive influence in his life. Positive energy brings positive thoughts.

It would probably be best for him to get a job. Working will keep his mind busy. Also, find some hobbies for you guys to do together that you're both interested in.

He will need to change his circle of friends from the ones he previously encountered himself with. Because again, positive energy brings positive thoughts. And let's face it, most addicts hang with other addicts. So that's most likely what kind of people he associated with before. If he's around the drug he had an issue with, it'll be easier for him to fall weak.

Classes, as I seen previously suggested. Find a class that fits him best, and you also attend to be his support.

And most importantly, make God you guys number one in life. Because with God, all things are possible. And if God's with you, who can be against you?

I pray God can heal him of his addiction and you two can have a happy, successful life! <3<3

bumblebee37 · #13 08-06-2012, 05:18 PM

I think you should encourage him all you can and be proud because if he wanted to use he could probably be doing it already/even locked up they have access.

msandre88 · #14 08-06-2012, 11:02 PM

I am going to be so supportive but i am just worried....i know he wants to stay clean....its just getting me nervous...i forgive but its so hard to forget....i am praying he stays this way and i will go to every meeting by his side....thanks for all the advice anymore will help me too...

Jeff_Dahlgren · #15 10-02-2012, 09:57 PM

He needs to put as much into his sobriety a he did his addiction. He does need to fill up his day with positive stuff, school, work, hobby, exercise, counseling ,twelve-step meetings, spiritual pursuits (if that's his thing)... One resource you may want to utilize, if he's coming out on paper (probation or parole supervision) is the office where he will be reporting. If you can get a number for a place they will refer him, you can at least have the info ready for him to utilize THE DAY HE IS RELEASED. And though there's a lot to be said for harm-reduction, even celebrating with "a few beers" could assist him with making the sorts of decisions one would not make if they hadn't lowered their inhibitions by consuming alcohol.

Maybe these words of advice might help, I've seen them work in the lives of folks who've put them into action.