Why I Did It

[egbdf65]

I spent a lifetime trying to get my father to tell me I wasn't the bad one...my father couldn't validate this for me because then he'd have to look at my mother and himself instead.

I spent a lifetime recreating this unfinished business with my father through other people...over and over I looked for abusers who reminded me of my father and they had a keen sense of finding me too...I demanded that they validate me instead of my father...of course these guys couldn't validate me any more than my father could...I refused to let them go, demanding their validation and I'd end up abused every time...used and abused.

The last time it happened I only half-needed the validation..I was beginning to get my validation from God and beginning to heal at the time...but I wasn't quite strong enough to not do it again. This time the guy made it all public and humiliated me through character assassination...he was looking for someone to blame anyway...he shoved me beneath him in an attempt to develop false pride.

I have no one to blame but myself, really...and it forced me to look at the truth of what I've been doing all my life...it took me over 2 more years of years of hard suffering work in AA to finally see what I've just told you...

My history is easily accessible to the man or woman looking for comfort and security...that's not what this is about for me...this is about the Higher Power, the new woman who God brings me to help today who's just like me, and my own optimal growth.

Anyone who took a shortcut off my life, well it will only work temporarily...in the end they have to clean that up with God just like I've had to...I don't want to be helping others hurt themselves anymore by creating chaos and disharmony in the world.

This is my truth - and I'm sticking to it.

[Sheryl P.]

Always remember you are formed in the image of God and precious in his sight.
I'm glad that you now see that to him,you are fearfully and wonderfully made and are pricless.
The angels of the Lord encamp round about you and he holds you in the palm of his hand.
Never let go,never give up,look up :-)

[Geauxin'KraZee]

Keep going to your meetings. I must tell you and I believe you already know this- we are NEVER finished with the 12 steps! I'm coming up on 22 years in Nov. And I promise you that I'm still a work in progress. We must stay teachable. Your story of what I've gathered so far, is eerily so close to that of my own that when I read your post, I get chills! One day, I would lo e to PM you and share a little of my own story with you. Until then, take care, keep growing, stay in your big book and God go with you.

[Rachel C]

Wow it finally sounds like you are on the right path and I'm so very proud of you. I to am in counseling for past mental, physical, and sexual abuse.

You've accomplished the hard part in admitting that you have a problem and need help. You've also found a wonderful group of ladies that will help love and support you. I've also been through a lot of similar problems as you have so if you want to pm me with and questions or you need someone to vent I am here for you.

Thanks for sharing with us something so painful. I am wishing you a much happier future. May the next guy you date be someone who truly deserves your love and support and may
He put you on that pedestal where you deserve to be. Good luck and god bless.