Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

TZT4$ure4Life · #**226** 01-02-2012, 10:02 PM

Happy New Years To Everyone!!

I cant believe that this year will be marking 6 yrs that I have been sharing this story with everyone.
It surely has been a long one and a long time.
Thank you for letting me vent cry rejoice grow and share with you all.

I am starting a New Year with a purpose..
I have been in training and in prayer over learning to lead
a group that is called " Recovery For Life" It is proivde through a wonderful group here in FL called LELAND Family Minsteries.. some might all so know it because they go into the prisons and jails and teach Meth Classes as well.. I dont have the link to the web site for them but I will see if I can find it and share it with you.

I am very excitted to say that I am loving giving back what I have learned about addiction and doing it through the words of God. Please pray for us to be able to find a place to meet in the city that I live in.
So excitted about that and the fact that I am still working with the feeding of my sweet street people who I have come to love so much.

Tat is coming up on 1 yr DR free and can soon apply to get our visits back and a good transfer as well. We are doing well and yes we have some disagreements but I sure know that I am not the same person I was when I started posting in 06 and I can tell you he is not either. Although those addict ways want to show their ugly heads at times.. Its very frusting and there are still times I wonder will we make it?
I love my husband very much, I have just learned that I can not control him or what he does. Addiction is a diease and it has to be dealt as one. All the screaming and crying loving threating and what ever else wants to present its self is not going to change one thing..
Untill they are ready, and in that process they may be setbacks and its how you deal with those set backs that will decide how you choose to deal with your addictions and even the addictions of those you love.
I read all the posts in this forum and my heart breaks .. the one thing I want everyone to know who is dealing with someone who is an addict, is that you can not change them and you cant blame yourself and you cant enable them with their addictions, you can pray for them and if needed you may have to love them from afar..
I know cause I use to be that person who wanted to change my husband who blamed herself, who questioned why.. and now I have learned it has nothing to do with me, if the truth be known and please be honest with yourselves.. you are addicted to the addict that you love? I know I was.. and I mean was..
I love Tat and I adore him but its all on him now.. I am his wife and I am the mother of his son and I am the mother of his grandchildren but above all I am ME.. and I take care of me now..
He will get it right if he chooses to do so, and I expect the stumbling and the set backs.. its a part of the process Rome wasnt built in a day and you sure cant undo what addiction has done to someone in a blink of any eye..
So we carry on and we live and we love and we pray..
I have faith that my husband will break free of his addictons and his demons .. but for now I have to do what is best for me and he knows that.. I love the place we are in our marriage and even though we havent seen or touched each other in almost 2 yrs.. I am thankful because we both neeed the time to grow and learn..

Gods Blessing to you all
I plan to make 2012 the best I can.. and still love my husband also..

Tina and Tat

TZT4$ure4Life · #**227** 03-20-2012, 04:29 PM

So where do I begin...
On March 3 rd I was at work, my phone was going crazy. I had to step outside and answer it, it was my sister in law telling me that I needed to call the prison. That Tat had been rushed to the outside hosp... she didnt have many details. They had tried to call me, guess thats why the phone was going crazy! I was shaking I made the call to the asst. warden at his camp.
My husband had been rushed to the outside hosp because he had yet another heart attack

.. She told me that a Captain Holden had done CPR on him for 25 mins and that Tat had infacted flat lined 3 times before they got him there. My heart hit the ground, along with all that was in me at the time..
The asst warden did make sure that I could call his room and after they had him stable I was able to talk to him but it was like talking to a child. I begin to wonder if my husband would every be the same? After 2 days of going through pure hell. They felt he was strong enough to transfer to Jacksonville Memorail Hosp. In Jacksonville FL which has a floor where only inmates of the DOC of FL are.. They placed yet another stint in my husbands heart. That is number 6 or could be 7 ..
Talk about a roller coaster ride... I called his classications officer there where he was and it was a new one, and she really couldnt tell me much. I mean she was nice but just wasnt trained enough.. I called back and spoke to his old classications officer who tells me, that my husband had been attacked and that there is a full blown investagtion going on, an inmate in custody and that if it is found to be true he will be turned over to the outside law for attempted murder charges. Now isnt that something..
I am telling you my heart just cant even think of that fact that a loved one is in there but now they may get more charges added on to them?? Needless to say Tat does not remember anything... of that day.. For that fact he has a hard time remembering 3 hours ago..
I can say that everyone has been so great to us.. Even the DOC.... Tat is alive and he is breathing and now he is at RMC.. so thats closer to home

We had just started to get the process going for his good behavior transfer, which his old camp is helping us with that, because they do not want him back there for his on safety.. We have asked that his visits be restored as well..
I am proud to say that this was not drug related, that he was not involved in anything and that was told from the wardens office to me..
In fact they said that all his drug test he had been given in the last year had been clean and that he was a model inmate as well..
Its been almost 3 weeks and although its slow going, I still find it amazing that GOD is still on our side...
Tat knows that too.... I can tell just by talking to him and the things that he says.
Addiction cant stay present if you dont want it too.. I am so thankful and we are so blessed that once again
GOD placed Angels around him..
I love my husband and I say that and truly know that if GOD had taken him from me I would be lost lost lost.... Theres work for Tat to do, GOD has a plan.....

Thanks for letting me up date... and I am thankful that GOD put good people around Tat and myself through the DOC and doctors while this is going on....

Blessings
Tina and Tat

**LifeTraveler** · #**228** 03-20-2012, 04:42 PM

May Peace and Blessings be upon you both. You will both be in my prayers!

TZT4$ure4Life · #**229** 03-20-2012, 04:46 PM

Thank you.... it is much needed..

**lisainengland** · #**230** 03-21-2012, 06:57 AM

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you (( hugs ))

Sheryl P. · #**231** 03-21-2012, 07:34 AM

Oh bot,what a roller coaster ride.
Prayers to God that his will be done.
You are a true blessing and I hope and pray it works out and you get your husband home with you soon.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**232** 04-11-2012, 05:25 PM

Just a quick up date.. Tat is now at a new camp.. has a 100 percent blocked artery.. and 7 stints in the other... He is not happy because they have placed him in the infirmory at his new camp...
I am tired and I cant fight with him any more...
His addict ways are showing again... He got upset because I will not push the issue with FL DOC for him to be removed and placed in general pop...
I mean like they are going to listen to me ?
He cussed at me, cussed at them.. cussed at GOD...
as much as I love him... I am just to tired to fight with him over his health.
If he wants out of there,he can fight his on battle.. I will not have him dying on the compound because I raised hell and got him out ( not like I could anyways)
His selfish addict ways are back... and I will not be apart of his hurtful words or enabling him to do as he pleases...
My love for him is there... but I just have lost all my fight...
I didnt sign up for all this....
Ready to retire at any given minute...

Blessings
Tina

**LifeTraveler** · #**233** 04-11-2012, 06:32 PM

They do get shitty when they don't get their way, don't they? I can empathize. Concentrate on you right now. That's all you can do. You have a life too.

Olderthanmost · #**234** 04-12-2012, 08:41 AM

My heart hurts for you today! I am so sorry! You have fought until you are battle scarred! God bless you. You have fought the "old ways", the system and now, it seems like you are fighting him. Thats probably the hardest battle of all. I am praying for God to give you strength!

You have to think about you now! Thats hard for you because you have been a caregiver! But you can do it!

Stay focused on what is best for you!

Lordbew/us · #**235** 04-14-2012, 08:13 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. Our youngest son, 23, is a hardcore drug addict/alcoholic he is currently on suboxone. But as you know with an addict we never truly know if they are staying clean, they all can be so CREATIVE!!!
When that addict behavior surfaces it can be so hurtful, their fowl disrespectful language to us and their indifference to GOD is scary.
We, the ones that love them the most continue to have our hearts trampled on continually. I know how tired you are, it is truly draining, emotionally and financially.
Why can't they see that?
Why don't they care?
Why are they so selfish?
Even thou I know the answers to these Q's I keep pondering them. Damn drugs and alcohol continue to rob us of our loved ones!!!
I really believe the devil has such a strong hold on our loved ones and continues to use these drugs to try and destroy THEM and US who love them.

I am wondering when your husband was in the hospital what drugs was he given? He may be withdrawing from something they gave him??? This maybe the cause for his edgy behavior???

Hold onto your faith...I agree with you that GOD has a plan for your husband's life, just as HE has for my son's life. Praying your husband and my son see's this for themselves.
I know you pray for your husband 24/7.
I had another PTO mom send me a prayer for my son a while back. I printed it and I put it in our master bathroom so my husband and I will see it each morning and say the pray for our son.

A PRAYER FOR YOUR HUSBAND
LORD PROTECT (YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME) CLEAR HIS MIND AND HIS BODY
FROM DRUGS AND HELP HIM TO SEE THE DIRECTION HIS LIFE IS
GOING.
HELP HIM HAVE THE DESIRE AND DETERMINATION TO TURN HIS LIFE
AROUND.
ANGELS STAND & WATCH OVER HIM.
IN JESUS NAME WE PRAY!

Hugs to you my thoughts and prayers are with you!

TZT4$ure4Life · #**236** 05-30-2012, 05:57 PM

After 2 yrs I got to go and visit with my husband this past weekend. And although we had the first bad storm of the season in that area.. It didnt bother our visits one bit!!!
I along with our son spent a wonderful 2 days with Tat.. He looks good, and is doing well. The prison camp he is at.. looks out for him because of his heart condtion. They were super nice to the families coming in and also they are respectful. The inmates are repectful of the CO's as well.
Seeing my husband with our son, made me very happy!!!
I know that it has been one hell of a journey since all this started.. Its been rocky and its been tears and a million emotions.. Yet I know that by my husbands side is where I will always be.. Giving up or Giving in is not an option!!!!

Many Blessings

Tina and Tat

tripsgirl · #**237** 05-30-2012, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TZT4$ure4Life

After 2 yrs I got to go and visit with my husband this past weekend. And although we had the first bad storm of the season in that area.. It didnt bother our visits one bit!!!
I along with our son spent a wonderful 2 days with Tat.. He looks good, and is doing well. The prison camp he is at.. looks out for him because of his heart condtion. They were super nice to the families coming in and also they are respectful. The inmates are repectful of the CO's as well.
Seeing my husband with our son, made me very happy!!!
I know that it has been one hell of a journey since all this started.. Its been rocky and its been tears and a million emotions.. Yet I know that by my husbands side is where I will always be.. Giving up or Giving in is not an option!!!!

Many Blessings

Tina and Tat

Your story gave me the chills. Me and my fiancee were addicts - I'm clean now - But I'm terrified when he comes home he will get right back on the drugs. This is his first time in prison and he tells me every letter that he wants to change and I believe him I'm just scared. I'll get to see him for the first time in the next few weeks if my app gets approved... I'm real nervous.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**238** 05-30-2012, 06:45 PM

It is very scary!!!! I have never done drugs but I am married to an addict from hell and back...
I can tell you that from where your boyfriend is sitting at now .. he means every word that he says..
Once he gets out will be another thing.. He cant do it alone... you need to sit and talk to him or write him. Have a plan before he comes home.. he needs support other than you..
Its not easy but can be done.. I wish no one the hell we have had to go through.. but it has made us stronger..
I wish you both the best.. and enjoy your visit..
if you need anything you can PM me....

Blessings
Tina and Tat

**lisainengland** · #**239** 05-31-2012, 12:46 AM

Thanks for updating us. I think its wonderful that you are both doing so well

TZT4$ure4Life · #**240** 07-03-2012, 05:23 PM

Just wanted to update our story as I do from time to time... Things are going well for us.. Tat seems to be doing really well at his new camp.. Which is a Blessing..
They are taking really good care of him and his heart condition there. Planning on another visit soon, was hoping to get to go for our anniversary which is the 21st. But dont think it will happen.
My husband is clear minded and has finally come to grips that he is an addict and that he has to make his choices not me.. Funny thing is I have come to those terms as well.
Looking back over our story, I see that I was the one that wanted him clean, I was the one who wanted it to be perfect.. And yet its not perfect nor will it ever be. I mean come on, I am married to an addict, who has heart problems who is in prison for the the next 10 yrs. Perfect by far... yet what I do know is this.. everyone always wants to say that you should leave and never look back.. that being an addict is a choice.. perhaps they are right but being an addict is a disease.. just like any other disease it takes years to cure and then remission or relapse is sure to get you...
I know that my life with my husband is not perfect and probley never will be.. and sooner or later ( hopefully alot later ) I will more than likely post on how he pizzed me off again, or how he possibly relapsed.. But my point is this.. unless you stand your ground and you FIGHT and you LOVE and you FORGIVE and CARRY ON... The Disease wins the Addiction wins... and I know that I love my husband enough to stand and FIGHT , TO LOVE, TO FORGIVE and CARRY ON.. I dont like the word co-dependent... it sucks... whats so co-dependent about loving another person enough to stick it out with them? Thats the problem with marriages things get a bit rough and off we go to divorce court..
I know that Tat and I have been through hell and back many many times.. and although I stand and I am here. One thing I will never do is enable him to be an addict, I will never ever give in and allow him the right to feed his disease.. He can do that on his own...
Its not just that Tat has learned and is still learning.. I am learning and have learned, I probley could be the best drug therpesit around.. And I dont have a degree only by living it...
I know without a doubt that I was meant to go through with Tat what I have. And without a doubt I know that our story has helped many and if not many then if only one then it was worth it...
I love my husband and yes he isnt perfect but who is?
My advice to anyone loving and addict is to keep on keeping on .. but please dont enable them to live a life that is not what they deserve. The hardest part has always been when Tat was out and he started using was to have him leave our home. But I can also tell you that when he does use if hes home, he leaves our home, hes never lied to me about it, and never has stolen from me or any other family memember.. That I guess has been a Blessings....
And I do believe GOD isnt finished yet.. I mean just look at the heart attacks alone he has had.. Yet he is good and looks good and well you know LIFE is good..
Thanks for reading and if anyone ever needs some help or advice I am only a PM away

Blessings
Tina and Tat

TZT4$ure4Life · #**241** 08-10-2012, 06:09 PM

Greetings...

Once again, I just re-read my first post on this long on going story of
life and my husbands life.. Aug 20 will be 6 yrs ago that I posted here!!
Things have went from bad to good, back to bad and then to good..
Tears shed, laughs, new friends, old friends, and people that are no
longer in our life.
I learned so much about addiction,myself, relationships, DOC, and
things I really didnt want to even learn. All apart of the process as I
look back today...
I am very proud of who I have become and even prouder that I didnt
give up on my husband. Its hard, GOD I wont lie about that. Its been
one hell of a ride. And I am sure that within the next 10 yrs we have
left to do. It will be another ride.. But its not as hard as it was back in
the very beginning..
I have my days, days I dont know if I am going or coming days, I still
feel like I am just not moving. Yet what I have come to know is that
its apart of the plan. My husband is good, hes alive and yes hes still abit
crazy at times. But I can say that he is no that ugly mean addict that I
first wrote about so many years ago... Hes an addict always will be,
yet time changes things and people. And after all hes a hard core addict along with being a hard core convict.. So its been a layer at a time being peeled off...
I pray for someday for us just to be able to sit and read this story and just know how far we really have come. And to those who read this from time to time.. I hope that they will understand that its not about being Co-dependent.. Its about loving someone and never letting them go and never giving up on them or yourself.

Blessings
Tina and Tat...

D's baby · #**242** 08-10-2012, 06:33 PM

i agree with you, it is about true love and your commitment to each other......thank you for sharing your story..........

TZT4$ure4Life · #**243** 02-02-2013, 04:27 AM

Adding to this post as I have always done, in hopes that it may help someone... understand the terrible world of Addiction.
Tat and I are good, we struggle being so far apart and we both are a crossing roads in our lives. Him dealing with things changing, visits are few and far between because of the encomy, and him adjusting to the time he got. Me I am going through everyday life and just holding my head up high. And acceptting that no matter what happens.. I will always love my husband and have his back.
It is a Ride Till We die thing. And that is just the way it is. Life is good and has gotten better for both of us. I think doing time and the things you go through just sort of do that to you.
I am proud to say that Tat has somehow came face to face with the demons of his addictions and has been doing wonderful with controling them and staying out of trouble inside.
Our son who is now 13 yrs old is growing into quite a young man but still loves his Daddy and cant wait to tell him about things that only a boy wants to talk to Daddy about.
We now have 4 grandsons and 1 sweet little princess whos name is Jernnie.. We laugh cause we think her name fits so well... cause life is a Journey and it is what you make of it. We have a new grandson on the way as well and he will be here on my birthday in April.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think either of us would make it through till now. It has been a battle to say the least. Some would say walk a way and never look back. And trust me I have a time or two. So has Tat but I am here to tell you the battle can be won. You can make it through, and the scars that are left at the end dont really seem to matter cause when you look back through all that the addiction has caused.. if you can learn something, become stronger, more aware, help someone, and learn to forgive and move on.. Then you can truly say that you won!!
Thats how I feel about all this......
Tat and I truly won.....

Blessings
Tina and Tat

**lisainengland** · #**244** 02-03-2013, 05:58 AM

Your posts have always uplifted me and I can only as always wish you both all the best in the future

Sheryl P. · #**245** 02-05-2013, 03:12 AM

I am dealing with the fact that my loved one now has a stent in his heart and has so much damage that he is having trouble working out.
I truly don't know if he will come home or go home to be with God.
The only thing that keeps me going is faith ,hope and love.
Yes,I love an addict.
Thank you for sharing your story.

Exceptions2313 · #**246** 02-05-2013, 09:09 AM

Thank you for sharing this uplifting story. I always enjoyed reading your posts, truly inspirational. Please continue to update us. Best of luck to you and your family.

Lisa

TZT4$ure4Life · #**247** 02-05-2013, 07:00 PM

[quote=Sheryl P.;7066392]I am dealing with the fact that my loved one now has a stent in his heart and has so much damage that he is having trouble working out.
I truly don't know if he will come home or go home to be with God.
The only thing that keeps me going is faith ,hope and love.
Yes,I love an addict.
Thank you for sharing your story.[/quo

Sheryl , my husband has had 8 heart attacks and 7 stients in his heart, they tell me and him that he is a walking talking mircale I so believe that. 5 of his heart attacks were brought on by drugs.
Its ok my friend to love and addict. He needs you as much as you need him. Just love yourself while you are loving him. Faith hope and love are the also what keeps me going and has kept me going for 13 yrs and what will keep me going while we finish this other 9 and half yrs.
I pray everyday my husband makes it out alive.. I know GOD didnt bring us this far for nothing.
Peace be with you and Blessings
Tina.

Sheryl P. · #**248** 02-06-2013, 02:20 AM

[quote=TZT4$ure4Life;7066965]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheryl P.

I am dealing with the fact that my loved one now has a stent in his heart and has so much damage that he is having trouble working out.
I truly don't know if he will come home or go home to be with God.
The only thing that keeps me going is faith ,hope and love.
Yes,I love an addict.
Thank you for sharing your story.[/quo

Sheryl , my husband has had 8 heart attacks and 7 stients in his heart, they tell me and him that he is a walking talking mircale I so believe that. 5 of his heart attacks were brought on by drugs.
Its ok my friend to love and addict. He needs you as much as you need him. Just love yourself while you are loving him. Faith hope and love are the also what keeps me going and has kept me going for 13 yrs and what will keep me going while we finish this other 9 and half yrs.
I pray everyday my husband makes it out alive.. I know GOD didnt bring us this far for nothing.
Peace be with you and Blessings
Tina.

Thank you so much Tina.
I too pray he makes it out alive though we only have three years to go,they will be hard ones since he is in shu till he gets out.
I know God hears your prayers.Your husband is truly a walking example of God working in your lives.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**249** 03-22-2013, 03:46 PM

Today is the last post that I will make to this story about my marriage to Tat or of Tat...
I have fought so hard for him and our marriage that I somehow forgot about me. In doing so, I somehow also got better.. wasnt sick anymore..not even addictted to him anymore, as I once was.
Tat is Tat and he will always be who he is and how he is.. Somethings have gotten better for him and even for us..
The last straw came about a month ago, and when I refused to do as he was asking and questioned it.. I became the biggest B*@&$ there is on the face of the earth..
I have learned so much about myself through all these posts.. made some pretty awesome friends on PTO and some are still around and some have gone. And I have come to know that is just life.
I feel I could probley get a good job with as much as I know about addiction and codependecy..Who knows maybe I will?
I am not mad at Tat nor am I sad.. I wish him well..
I just know, that some people never learn . Relapse.. I am not sure he relapsed to drugs but he did relapse to his addict, controlling, its all about me ways.. I cant live with that anymore.. nor do I have too!!!
I will always love Tat.. always want the best for him ..
It is way past time to want the best for myself... and I do!!!
Finally I do... loving and addict or a convict isnt easy but it shouldnt have to be so hard either...
I may pop in from time to time just to let you know how I am doing .. but for now I am good ,,, and I am ok..
Went to the court house today and filed my papers.. Moving on to my life and I am living for me...

Blessings
Tina

Lordbew/us · #**250** 03-22-2013, 06:20 PM

TZT good for you! I haven't posted in a while on this thread. I think all of us that have to deal with loving an addict learn over time. It definitely is a process!!! I was a slow learner...Our son (24) has been battling addiction and I know your heart ache. I have thought many times that if my son wasn't my son that'd be it!
I have friends that are dating people that have drug/alcohol problems and my advice to them is to RUN before it's too late!!!!
It does get to a point where it is finally about your own self preservation.
You deserve to be happy!
A friend of mine after 20+ years of marriage and dealing with her husband said ENOUGH is ENOUGH, at the beginning of this year she filed for a divorce and is now a free woman. Her ex will now have to stand on his own...fortunately she kept her family afloat through all her hard work in real estate and now she can enjoy some of her earnings!!!