Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

GraceNhope26 · #51 08-06-2012, 01:14 PM

He has made changes and I'm not trying to make excuses I am putting the facts out there so I an everyone posting can see to help me make a good informed decision. When he said he wuldnt ched a tear, or lose sleep. He apologized for that. And said how he loves me and wants to be with me. He has told his whole family how he wants to marry me. He never wanted to marry anyone in the past. He has told me right after this money fit that he isn't gonna ask me for money anymore b/c he knows I don't have it. And he has stayed true to his word. I have tried to break up several times and this has weakened our relationship. I run away w/o talking it through. I get my tail stuck in the screen door and I'm off like a flash no nothing can stop me. But in a relationship its my job to put up our problems so we can fix them. He has some things to work on. He used to talked to me horrible and disrespectful but we worked thru that. Its true, changes are coming little by little I can't even deny that. I post neg. Neg. B/c that's when I need the help, but there is positive. He has enrolled in classes now to keep him busy, which I asked him to do. He has started back reading and praying which I asked him to do. This is my life, and I look in the future in 10 yrs I see my self with this man. I in my heart feel we found love and he is what I want. We talked, the only thing he is asking me is, am I really ready to be with him. None of the I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna leave. That has made him close himself off to the pain and doubt I put in his heart. Wouldn't you? When I couldn't bring myself to use credit cards for his lawyer, he didn't start a fuss or get back at me, he asked why. And we moved on. Is that a user??? Everyone knows its hard to portray your whole relationship on a website. If I see changes, and we both are willing to try harder, we both love deeply. Shouldnt, don't we deserve for us to try again??? We have the making of a great thing and we are willing to do the work. Its good makins for a relationship that we both can be happy in! I will continue to journal all this and take it one day at a time. But I know he doesn't deserve to be hurt, and tossed back and fourth by my indesicivness (sp?) Lol..... ladies what's things that we need to remain strong, committed and to nurture each other. I don't wanna do the same thing and get the same results.

bumblebee37 · #52 08-06-2012, 01:55 PM

I guess I'm going to have to duct tape you to the kitchen chair so you will listen.

GraceNhope26 · #53 08-06-2012, 02:01 PM

With these changes I just don't get disrespectful talk. Somethings he doesn't do but they aren't even all the time. Like he calls almost everyday to see how I am, if I'm ok. And what I'm doing. He still loves me and wants me even when I had almost broken his heart 5 or more times. Why do I always try to leave????!!!! If he was out here I wouldn't. That's not me. Him physically not being here is the hardest part. Quality time is my love language. And being without is like starvation to me

Miss_A · #54 08-06-2012, 05:33 PM

Hon, it's not the end of the world. I think it's much easier to leave when they're locked up. Y'all are MWI so it's not like you ever lived together. Regardless of the changes, he's still a user and you don't need him in your life.

bumblebee37 · #55 08-06-2012, 06:01 PM

I don't really know what to say because I sure didn't mean to add more hurt to your situation. I really wasn't trying to be disrespectful but more concerned then anything. But I will tell you 1 thing before I 'poof' off this thread. You can send this man all the money you have and it isn't going to make him love you anymore then he does, if he does. We don't know him. hell we don't know you but we don't want to see anyone taken advantage of or as sad as you have been since you began this thread. Life is way to short to be wondering where you stand in someones life and your gut being eaten out by doubts. You take care of yourself and I wish you much happiness. bb

nicenjazzy · #56 08-06-2012, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GraceNhope26

Why do I always try to leave????!!!!

This is why....
I feel like we are at a dead end. Something has to change or we are done. I try to talk to him about our issues, he said he doesn't sit around talking about his feelings. He has a fit b/c I wouldn't put money on his phone and said don't say u love me anymore when u can't take care of me when I'm down. (( put 350.00$ on his books this month!) So I asked him later didn't you tell me I couldn't say I love u cuz I wouldn't give u money? He said no he didn't say that and I asked him to repeat what he said he said nope I'm not repeating what I said. He says when he gets out he's gonna do him, n the first time ppl (implying me) f up he's gone. So I laid it out, ok so if I mess up your gonna be done with me?? He then later apologized for "going off on me" and still won't talk about the issues of our relationship. I told him I put myself out there to him, I'm vulnerable, I love deeply for him and when he can't talk things out but wants his way I am going to become resentful, and shut down and we will eventually break up. He said he won't lose sleep, he won't shed a tear, sh*t happens and u move on. He said he he doesn't want to play these games (?) Any more. And if I wanna leave then go. I said yur pushing me away. How would u feel if I called u n said u won't pay this bill so don't say u love me no more, u don't know what love is! He replied; I would say "ok".... smh. I love him so much and I don't know what to do. But I do know this isn't right we r mwi, dating 7 months.

You know it's not going to work yet you keep hoping for change. Honey he ain't gonna get no better, even on the outside!!!

nimuay · #57 08-06-2012, 06:43 PM

One of the things you probably don't realize is that the group of behaviors you have talked about (in him) don't go away without a huge amount of time in therapy. They may hide, but they don't vanish. That is his character, and it was formed long ago. When you add in the fact that he's in prison, you just have more proof that he doesn't know how to play well with others. It isn't going to change because of you, though you think that your conversations are making sense to him, are leading him toward the light.

I'm about 90% sure that you're the one being led, and it's not toward light.

And your original question was about why you are always leaving . . . hon, your gut knows that this isn't working right and that, regardless of the heart full of love you have for him, sometimes we love the wrong people. The odds are overwhelming that your gut is absolutely right.

sage26 · #58 08-06-2012, 06:56 PM

I feel you girl on this one, but they are all right, leave now while you can, and not wait 4yr later to see how much prison has change him in a bad way.

HISONLY1 · #59 08-06-2012, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GraceNhope26

I feel like we are at a dead end. Something has to change or we are done. I try to talk to him about our issues, he said he doesn't sit around talking about his feelings. He has a fit b/c I wouldn't put money on his phone and said don't say u love me anymore when u can't take care of me when I'm down. (( put 350.00$ on his books this month!) So I asked him later didn't you tell me I couldn't say I love u cuz I wouldn't give u money? He said no he didn't say that and I asked him to repeat what he said he said nope I'm not repeating what I said. He says when he gets out he's gonna do him, n the first time ppl (implying me) f up he's gone. So I laid it out, ok so if I mess up your gonna be done with me?? He then later apologized for "going off on me" and still won't talk about the issues of our relationship. I told him I put myself out there to him, I'm vulnerable, I love deeply for him and when he can't talk things out but wants his way I am going to become resentful, and shut down and we will eventually break up. He said he won't lose sleep, he won't shed a tear, sh*t happens and u move on. He said he he doesn't want to play these games (?) Any more. And if I wanna leave then go. I said yur pushing me away. How would u feel if I called u n said u won't pay this bill so don't say u love me no more, u don't know what love is! He replied; I would say "ok".... smh. I love him so much and I don't know what to do. But I do know this isn't right

we r mwi, dating 7 months.

I also was dealing with a similar situation with my fiance and I mean I understand at times its tuff in there and they have there needs but at the same time I never asked for him to go to prison and put himself in that situation?? I was livid but it also was becuase I really was not stable money wise and he was not getting it!! so he tried to tell me you dont love me because if you did you would come visit me or put money on my books and at that time he was in a prison that was 8 hours away he said i had to choose either visit him or put money on his books or his done ... so i took it to my own hands and told him how it is and if he was going to go that route then fine!! i love him but how he was returning his love towards me he wrote me back apologising and i did not reply then he wrote again then I replied just to let him know I was serious and since then we have been great I help him more now that im stable and we have great communication skills since then i guess sometimes you just got to show them what there losing he even had his mom call me to tell me why i was not writing ... That is defiently not cool when they try and act like we are the ones losing a good thing just as they are doing time so are we!!!

Critter07 · #60 08-06-2012, 07:34 PM

This kind of thing really breaks my heart. It's like a train wreck...you know it's going to happen but there's not a damn thing you can do but watch...

Sweetie, I hope that you remember your worth in this world, to your loved ones and to yourself. If you believe that this man holds your dreams, your future and your best interests at heart, then I do truly wish you happiness and I hope that I'm wrong in my gut. Do I think I'm wrong? Nope...but I don't know you and your man and can only form an opinion based on the posts you've made while on PTO.

Try to remember to demand nothing less than what you deserve, and that's to be treated as an equal and a partner, cherished and respected always. I find it hard to believe that 'one screw-up from you when he gets out and he's gonna be gone and do him' demonstrates that level of devotion to you but I suppose stranger things have happened...

Wishing you all the best...

skellerton · #61 08-06-2012, 07:54 PM

"And said how he loves me and wants to be with me. He has told his whole family how he wants to marry me. He never wanted to marry anyone in the past."

I would bet that every single person on here has heard those words, and yet they were not magic enough to make it work. Oh, he does love you, but the kind of "love" he has just isn't "love". Mostly, its what he feels now, but tomorrow, other love will suspend it and YOU are the one who will be devastated, because your love sticks. Thats why you struggle- because you are loyal and work things through. Just remember, that is who YOU are, but it might not be who is is, or ever can be. You seem to be coaching him along, but is he your man or your child? When can you let the hand go and expect he will stand on his own and think like you want him to- like he needs to- if he is ever to change? After all I've seen, I'd say the chances are small and you will be the one who will cry a river.

QUEENDRURY · #62 08-06-2012, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kellsman1

Im sorry things are getting rough but I believe it will get better if you love each other.

i dont agree but id liketo know how do you think it will get better for her?

Psychocandy · #63 08-07-2012, 10:11 AM

Talk is cheap....his actions will tell you how the man is. You refuse to listen to anyone here. So why ask for opinions or advice?
Carry on doing what you do cause it is what you do you don't want to change it.

GraceNhope26 · #64 08-07-2012, 12:59 PM

No I ask for opinions and advice to hear other views of the situation. Do you do everything everyone tells you? If you do, its not your life its being controlled by others. But I weight all the opinions, I see what I should expect and what I shouldn't accept. If you can't help me psychocandy feel free not to post on my things. But this journey is like a marathon, and I put this scenario out there because sometimes I'm weary from the marathon, I need new ideas, and Support! I don't want ppl to blow smoke up my ass but sometimes I only see what I'm thinking, its helpful to hear what others think. That's why I ask. But no one at the end of the day has to walk in my shoes or live with my decisions but me and him. (At least when it comes to if I stay or go).... *shrugs*

bumblebee37 · #65 08-07-2012, 02:10 PM

Come on Grace, when you put your stuff out here online you open yourself up others criticism, opinions, and 'what they'd do' comments. Like me, I am old and set in my ways, been there and probably made just about every mistake there can be made in a relationship so when I see lil red flags going off in my head because I saw you struggling over a relationship & then the man threw a fit over your money I just couldn't bring myself to tell you everything was going to be alright. I'm sure there are MWI relationships that are stone strong but I also know there are some that use others to get money, quarterly packages, and have someone to write to. (Please don't throw stones at me because I didn't say all MWI relationships are this way)
Your love is your love, you own it, but you sound so sad and indecisive about whether to stay or go so we all know you are doubting the situation...that's why we keep posting move on. That one question 'why do I keep leaving him?' only you know the answer to that and we can all talk to you until we are blue in the face but until you decide whether you can stand by him (even if he ask you for money or the trusty ol credit card) you aren't going to listen to anyone accept his promises, his insinuation of marriage, and that maybe you & him need to try harder (I find that to be crap but my heart isn't his) so if you see more negative about your relationship then us planning your bridal shower this is the reason why. I'm all for cupid shooting arrows but I sure don't want only 1 person to be hit by that arrow because being in love alone isn't a good thing.
PS: Please don't ban me, I know I said I would poof off this thread.

bb

Beauswifey · #66 08-07-2012, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GraceNhope26

He has enrolled in classes now to keep him busy, which I asked him to do. He has started back reading and praying which I asked him to do.

The thing is, if he's doing it because YOU want him to, then it's not going to last. He has to want it for HIMSELF. My guess is that it's a ploy to get back in your good graces, then he'll go right back to doing the same thing he did before. And, because he spent all that time "proving himself" to you, you'll love him even more, and it'll be that much harder to leave. You need to run like hell and don't look back. Like another lady so aptly put it, "KNOW YOUR WORTH". You need to work on building yourself up. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will love and cherish you. People with low self esteem are easy to control, and he's got you right where he wants you. You need to remember how he's hurt you... the horrible things he's said to you... the way he's treated you. I know that it doesn't feel good to think about things like that, but it's what you need to do in order to get over him. All of these ladies have given you advice about the red flags you've seen for yourself. It's up to you whether or not you heed it.

GraceNhope26 · #67 08-11-2012, 10:28 PM

Well looks like I don't get a choice in the matter, he said I have tried to leave too many times now he doesn't know what he wants, and it might be too late for us to salvage our relationship. He said when stuff don't go my way I wanna have a fit? (More like he does this) and so for 6wks to a few months he wants me to "get my shit together" and show him that I won't leave him. I can't come see him, and yet he told me if we can't be together and we I can't stand beside him its all or nothing, but now I want to be back with him (its been a week now we broke up, n I came back regretting it after 1 day) he is saying he is gonna give me what I want which is just friends and he still calls me when before when I said maybe we can try just being friends he could call he said, why would I go from wanting to marry you to being just friends when I love you and waant to be with you

GraceNhope26 · #68 08-11-2012, 10:34 PM

(Accidentally sent message too soon) but he is doing all the things he said he didn't want to do. And I am riding this horrible nightmare, where daily I get dropped off a cliff. My heart is ripped out, I'm depressed. I want to tell him that either we are together and work our relationship out together or he needs to have space and decide what he wants and that means we can't have any communication. I told his mom this and she said he would probably be done with me and say he knew I would leave when stuff got hard and this confirms it, and why is it so important to have the "together" label. To me its a commitment to work on us, toward our future. Yet he still wants $ for newspapers, help with commissary...I thought we were working on things that's why I helped with the $$ but if we aren't I have no obligation to pay, we aren't together n that's what ima say next time he or his family asks for $. any one things the be together or give space is a good idea???

nimuay · #69 08-11-2012, 10:54 PM

Sweetie, I'm going to try to say this again . . . let him go! He's not confused, he's playing for power over you. You, on the other hand, are playing an honest game and you think the thing you're going to win is love. Once he knows that, he will make you worry, fret, beg, plead, cry and walk on eggshells every time he has a snit. Why? Because you will give him the power, thinking that you are proving your love, and the power is what he really wants. He will make you so miserable you will wonder how you EVER thought this man was worth loving.

GraceNhope26 · #70 08-11-2012, 11:09 PM

Yea I'm pretty miserable now but then I'm thinking is this me "giving up when stuff gets rough" :'(

nimuay · #71 08-12-2012, 04:39 AM

Nope! This is you going "I get it! He's an ass!". You aren't the one making the relationship awful, he is. You didn't demand money from him and you weren't the one being nasty.

Miss_A · #72 08-12-2012, 08:11 AM

You've been in this man's life for less than a year, correct? Reading your previous threads, it seems all you've been doing is running errands for him and sending him money. And let me guess, the relationship got worse once you told him you weren't going to pay for a lawyer with your credit cards. Not to mention the fact that you were unemployed at the time you told him.

Seems to me that this relationship has been a tumultuous one since it began. And all signs are pointing to you leaving him where he's at (Trust me, he'll be just fine.) and moving on with your life.

Please, please, please, for your child's sake, leave that man alone.

MKatrinaToo · #73 08-13-2012, 12:19 PM

"so for 6wks to a few months he wants me to "get my shit together" and show him that I won't leave him"

That there is a master manipulator.

Please, listen to what your head is trying to tell you. You are smart enough to have figured out his game. Your heart belongs to someone more deserving of your love and attention.

You know this.