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LOVELYSHORTY · #26 10-30-2009, 01:53 AM

Hey coming from another sister it is hard keeping stuff like that from your brother. I have 3 brothers and 2 of them chose their ladies over me and my family. You did the right thing by telling your brother because even if he gets mad you know that you are just trying to protect him. Look i told my brother the one that is in prison about his lady doing things and he got mad at me and is still with her we can't change that and yes he was mad at me but he got over it. Look i think you should write him a letter and tell hoim how you feel. Tell him that every day you miss him and hurt that he dont write you. It will take him awhile to come around but you are his sister and he feels hurt just as much as you do. I don't know if i helped you out but i sure do hope i did in some way. And i do belive you should tell your loved ones bad news even if it bothers them cuz it is better for them to know now then later down the line. Me and my parents had to tell my brother that 3 of our family members had past away and our grandma is sick sence he has been in there and it is not easy.

nithtmare · #27 11-30-2009, 09:31 AM

Maybe you should try to reconcile with her. If that will keep you connected with your brother and your nephew, and it seems that she is the one in control right now. Making peace with her might get you back in with your brother. He needs all the support he can get from who ever is willing to give it. You know what you can expect from your friends so keep your enemies close at hand.

freebigamp · #28 12-30-2009, 12:23 PM

i had something like this before with my brother gfriend and aint one point my brother was not talking 2 me because of her and she was telling him all kind of things 2 turn him against his family it worked 4 awhile then she got pregant 4rm somebody eles and now he see who really cares bout him she wnt even let us see the kids they have..it really hurt me but now we are so close nobody cnt come between us i love my brother just give it time everthang will work out wish u the best

five*chic · #29 01-26-2010, 05:37 PM

The more you try to prove anything, the worse it will do you. Do not go psycho stalker because you dont need to prove anything.

In time, all things prove themselves. Keep reaching out to him.

I kinda think he is falling for it cause he sees it as she is doing everything for him and his child and she is having it hard and sayin yall aint helping her while he is gone etc.
Try to reach out to your nephew regardless how she blocks.....show up and do things for him and tell her you tried to call.

Sannilynn · #30 02-17-2010, 10:36 AM

I did vote that they should be told, my brother would be mad as hell at me for keeping something from him, each person is different, but what if it is something that they need to be notified of but it's out of your control until they call you to tell them. Our grandma passed away in November and I called the prison so he could be notified and they dropped the ball. This was a woman who raised us and their relationship was extroidinary beyond compare, I cannot even begin to describe the emotional effect this had on him when two days later he finally calls with news they are shipping him out to Victorville, and I'm blown away that he did not ask about Granny, so I ask if the Chaplain had been to see him and he says what the F--- would he see me for, I dropped my phone and proceeded to fall apart, I could not be the one to hurt my brother, my best friend , luckily a family friend was there, someone whom my brother was close to he gave him the news. We had just finished making her arrangements that afternoon. I was told the first night that he would be told the following morning, not hearing from him I continued to call the prison all afternoon into the evening, finally getting someone to answer and was very rudely told that the chaplain had left around 3 or 4 so if my brother was going to call he would have called me and was basically dismissed with no explanation of anything. Hopefully we will make a difference with the steps taking place that myself and my brother are putting forward to keep this from happening to another inmate. I'm tired of them treating our loved ones as if they have no existence beyond the walls of a prison. I love my brother and he does matter!

jeswannabhiswyf · #31 05-28-2010, 03:31 PM

Well Brandy, there are a few concerns I have about this situation. One, I could be wrong, but there seems like there are missing parts of this story. Like other events that lead up to this event, and this event was the final straw. Anyway, there is a difference between giving the bad news and not minding your business. There is a fine line between the 2. Did you cross it? You are the best to judge. Granny had a heart attack and is now on life support--bad news. I rode by your house and I saw ManMan's car parked out front--not minding your business. The reason being, since your communication with your brother is less often than the wife's communication, you really have no idea why ManMan's car is there. For all you know, her husband/your brother could have sent ManMan there.

The text message, although mistakenly sent to you, does not prove anything. You did say she intended to send it to one of his drug buddies. She could have been the go between relaying a message. Anything. Forgive me if you have additional proof this woman is doing something wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SCLady

Well, my brother won't write me back anymore. I have been stewing about this for about 6 months now. Hindsight being so good and all, I guess I should have known that he would not believe anything concerning his wife that is bad news how would you have known unless you've tried to tell him something about his wife before?, but its been done true. now it's spilled milk. learn from your mistake and move on. don't beat urself up. The only thing I even said was that I had heard that his visitation was stopped for awhile for an offense of someone else in his block and that the only way I knew he could get visits again was because his wife sent a text to my phone saying that she was at the jail, about to go in and see him. She sent it to me by accident. It was really supposed to go to one of my brothers "drug buddies", who she has no reason to be talking to how can u be so sure?, other than she is up to no good.

Of course he asks her about this and she tells him I lied. My brothers son lives with her, not her child, by the way, but he lives with her because his father requested itI see nothing wrong with that. She looks even better in my eyes to be taking care of a child she didn't birth. That takes a special person. Every female wouldn't do it. The next time I texted her asking for permission to have my nephew spend the night with my son, she says No can u really blame her? she feels you are trying to ruin her marriage. , you can't see him and don't text me again, (she will never talk to any member of our family by any way other than text messages). She wrote that my brother does not want to have anything else to do with me.

My heart is broken over this. She is the only way any of my family has to get info about him other than his letters and she speaks to none of us This is a misconception. As an immediate family member, you can call the prison when you are concerned and ask how he is. I've heard it referred to as a "wellness check" and that's what I said when I checked on L in the hole, before we got married. So now we know nothing about what is going on with him other than the occasional letter he writed to my mom or dad. He has not written me since.

I should have known better and not even mentioned it. I know it hurt for him to hear that, and of course he wants to believe his wife is faithful You haven't displayed any proof here that she isn't. That keeps him going. I know how it is. My husband has spent time in prison too, that is how I found PTO so long ago.

Any thoughts on what to do now? I have kept writing him continue, only cheerful letters, even making it sound like life is great , when it sucks right now Don't sugar coat/lie. Be honest. You are rebuilding trust here, just so as not to upset him. He never responds though. I was not approved for visitation so I can't see him. I don't have a phone, so he can't call me.

I MISS MY BROTHER AND I WANT HIM BACK tell him this!! This is so unfair. I know I brought it on myselfmouthful, but I just can't apologize for lying to him about his wife when I know in my heart it was the truth. Apologize to him for speaking badly about his wife, the woman he loves. Apologize to him for not minding your business---use whatever word you are comfortable with. Apologizing to his wife would only help your case. Help?

If you have read this far, thank you, and I am open to any thoughts and/or ideas about this mess, Those are my thought. I mean no harm. I speak truth. Reading omits the luxury of hearing care, concern, and the tone of someone's voice.
Brandy

HeAtHeR02 · #32 06-28-2010, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SCLady

Well, my brother won't write me back anymore. I have been stewing about this for about 6 months now. Hindsight being so good and all, I guess I should have known that he would not believe anything concerning his wife that is bad news, but its been done. The only thing I even said was that I had heard that his visitation was stopped for awhile for an offense of someone else in his block and that the only way I knew he could get visits again was because his wife sent a text to my phone saying that she was at the jail, about to go in and see him. She sent it to me by accident. It was really supposed to go to one of my brothers "drug buddies", who she has no reason to be talking to, other than she is up to no good.

Of course he asks her about this and she tells him I lied. My brothers son lives with her, not her child, by the way, but he lives with her because his father requested it. The next time I texted her asking for permission to have my nephew spend the night with my son, she says No, you can't see him and don't text me again, (she will never talk to any member of our family by any way other than text messages). She wrote that my brother does not want to have anything else to do with me.

My heart is broken over this. She is the only way any of my family has to get info about him other than his letters and she speaks to none of us. So now we know nothing about what is going on with him other than the occasional letter he writed to my mom or dad. He has not written me since.

I should have known better and not even mentioned it. I know it hurt for him to hear that, and of course he wants to believe his wife is faithful. That keeps him going. I know how it is. My husband has spent time in prison too, that is how I found PTO so long ago.

Any thoughts on what to do now? I have kept writing him, only cheerful letters, even making it sound like life is great , when it sucks right now, just so as not to upset him. He never responds though. I was not approved for visitation so I can't see him. I don't have a phone, so he can't call me.

I MISS MY BROTHER AND I WANT HIM BACK!! This is so unfair. I know I brought it on myself, but I just can't apologize for lying to him about his wife when I know in my heart it was the truth. Help?

If you have read this far, thank you, and I am open to any thoughts and/or ideas about this mess,

Brandy

if i was in your situation i would have told my brother everything i would have printed everything out and sent it. cause if that girl is cheating on him or into drugs or whatever im sure he first of wont want that around his son and risk finding out when he paroles and have it turn into a mess and have him get locked up again.

it sucks that he wont talk to you im sorry about that. but give it some time maybe he will come around any one that is a sister that has a brother knows that there is bond between you too. my brother is my best friend but he knows i would kick her ass if she was pulling this crap on him but that is just me.

and she should have let your parents know that visits were open again that is the respectful thing to do

brandonwife · #33 07-23-2010, 11:05 PM

Would u tell your man tht one of his family members got rape or would u let the family tell him

Ausi Sailor · #34 09-12-2010, 05:14 PM

Goodday

I had this problem with my brother who is in prison (See my previous posts).

I was hurt in an incident aboard my ship, was helevaced off and spent two months in hospital recovering. My brother has made in clear to Mom, Dad and me that he knows I do a dangerous job and that I can get hurt or even killed.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to talk to your loved one and ask what their preference is.

Fair winds

Robert

KamisSister · #35 09-20-2010, 07:49 PM

You cannot get printouts of texts without a court order, no matter if the account is in your name or not.

If you are getting cheated on, you generally know it inside, nobody telling you is going to make a difference usually. Now if had asked, I would tell, but otherwise, no way.

HeAtHeR02 · #36 10-11-2010, 07:41 PM

i wouldnt say anything to him like that cause it will really piss him off and upset him and he might do something he shouldnt..that i would defently keep to myself

Quote:

Originally Posted by brandonwife

Would u tell your man tht one of his family members got rape or would u let the family tell him

msladylisa62 · #37 10-11-2010, 11:12 PM

I know if something hapines and I don't tell my man, There is hell to pay. we do not keep secerets or any thing from each other good or bad. we deal with it together. We have many times, like the death of his only son not our child but his. The child died at the hands of his mothers negelcte at the age of 6. we delt with that. finding his daughter at the age of 17 and her going into the army and off ot Irqa, we have delt with that togther. so yes good or bad I tell him if his family don't. or what family she thinks she is.SISter lol

Crazy_in_Love · #38 10-13-2010, 12:01 PM

Even on the outside,I learned the hard way,and I dont know if its because its family or if its the same with friends as well,but I found out my sisters bf was cheating and I told her,(cuz I would want to know)well that was a big mistake and she didnt want to believe it and I was the bad person for telling her such a thing.So now I mind my own business and dont get involved no matter how true it is ! It all comes out in the wash...just later instead of sooner.

zxkitaxz · #39 10-21-2010, 03:30 AM

I just went thru this with my brother. He went to prison two months ago. His daughters mom was cheating on him within the week. He and I were fighting because of the things she was saying to him to keep him from talking to me. She was afraid I would tell. I put money on his books and phone and left that whole subject alone.

His friends have told him what she was up to. So now he knows. I chose not to tell him because it would have come back on me. I do not want to be the one she can blame when she is doing it to herself.

No worries, what is done in the dark will come to light. Leave it alone. Let whatever is going to happen, be on her. Support your brother, love your brother, write your brother. He doesn't want to be alone in there. What she is doing on the side is between the two of them.

He will be back around when he sees what you see. In the mean time, be the best sister you can be.

justcurious2009 · #40 12-15-2010, 05:52 AM

B4 I would tell him anything I would ask myself why is his child with the step mom & not your family. 2 anything you try & say against her to him will come back on you, I have a brother the same way but I would be afraid of what she may take out on your nephew in retaliation to what you say or do. Your brother is going to be down for a while but your nephew is in her home & anything can happen to that child so he is who I would think of first. If your going to tell him anything about what she's doing I'd make sure his kid is no longer living with her because she could do alot to that kid in anger & no one would find out. Not trying to sound mean because I know you think you have good intentions but your brother is a grown man who made his choices but kids are stuck where ever in theses situations & have to deal with so much. Every other day now it seems you hear on the news of step parents being charged with killing children, me personally until I knew my nephew was away from her I'd keep my mouth shut, that baby will have to live with her & if she's hooking up with a drug dealer the kid don't need to be there anyway. Only you know whats going on with the family's but I would think of the safety factor of the kids b4 anyone else involved.

foolsjourney · #41 01-07-2011, 03:48 AM

She'll show her true colors eventually. And his son is your nephew, can you try to get visitation thru family court?

PlasticInsanity · #42 04-08-2011, 12:03 PM

When I heard rumors that my sister's now-ex was hitting on other girls, I was furious; and worse, put in an uncomfortable position. I briefly mentioned it to my sister who just merely nodded and changed the subject. When he called her names right in front of my face, I freaked on him. What was her reaction? Telling me it wasn't any of my business and to stay out of it. After he calls her a dumb bitch, and tells me he can call her whatever he wants.

My bff was with this guy for about a year and a half, and it was widely known he was cheating on her. It seemed everybody but her could clearly see it. She was told by a few of us, and still didn't believe it. It wasn't until she seen a message on facebook between him and another girl that she finally believed it and dumped him.

I've learned only a few people will actually hear and believe the truth. The rest only hear what they want to hear. Speak with caution.

EarnestineEvans · #43 04-13-2011, 03:59 PM

i think it is a way to tell things and you have to be careful not to fraustrate them because it can cause negative behavior which could get them hurt or in trouble think how you would feel if you were locked up and recieved certain news re garding some one you loved you if you truly care you must be careful peace

hywesley1 · #44 05-14-2011, 03:04 AM

I do not tell my brother bad news because I know it would damage his mental health. He has enough to worry about, he doesn't need more. He "thinks" about what things are going to be like when he comes home and its all worry because he has nothing. Not even clothing. So Im not about to make things worse.

tripsgirl · #45 08-17-2012, 02:52 PM

I tell my man everything.. even bad.. cause if he finds out later & I hadn't told him then it makes him suspicious.
Just like last night.. I was crying when I answered the phone.. I had no reason to cry - just one of those days where I'm stressed out and had a lot on my mind - he took it as I'm keeping something from him or lying about why I'm upset.

Tyler's Momma · #46 08-18-2012, 09:45 PM

SCLady,

How have things turned out with your brother? After all that is His son and Your nephew that is living with her. I'm sorry but I'd have to let him know how I feel about the way he is treating you and how it has made you feel. Just because he's away doesn't give him the right to mistreat you. Plus he should not put up with her not keeping your family involved in his son's life.

Izzy's Mom · #47 10-29-2012, 01:38 AM

I absolutely agree with the post on an in between vote. I pick and choose what I tell to my LO. If it's something that will torment and pester him within hisself, I'm not telling. Discretion is hard but for their peace of mind it must be practiced. My oldest son, 23, is serving 11 years and my youngest son which just turned 18 appears to be bitter and angry at him. He blows up one minute and then shows encouragement and concern the next. Is that normal or to be expected? I am just trying to get some insight on how to help him deal. I never had to experience a sibling in prison, I know it's painful for you guys. He gets angry at him because he'd steal to fund his drug habit and the pain he has seen his brother cause me the past 10 yrs. I get why he's angry, but I could use some guidance from any of you.

DonsBrothr · #48 11-22-2012, 11:41 PM

My brother had been away from home for 15 years and not involved with the family at all. Someone would hear from him a couple of times during the year, but all we knew was that he was alive. We did not know he was in prison. When we finally reconnected he knew our mother had died 8 years ago, but knew nothing else. I waited until we could talk on the phone to tell him what had happened (she had a heart attack after minor surgery on her knee). I did not leave anything out, including the fact that my dad had remarried. I always tell him everything. I talked to him today and he told me to never keep anything from him. He said that he wants to know because otherwise he doesn't feel part of the family. He has a strong faith and it has helped him with 12 years in with a 25 year sentence. I will never hold back on anything. He is a part of the family and I want him to know even though he is not here at this time, he will always be family and will be treated as a member.

Timberwolf · #49 12-10-2012, 08:02 AM

Long thread, and a lot of good points. My siblings have been incarcerated most of their lives. I have been "in" the prison system as a family member of the incarcerated since the mid 1990's in the state of CT.

I will say that being positive is important, and helps everyone. Being honest is also important, because inmates hyper-focus on trust and loyalty and really need a sense of trust when in a world of betrayal, danger and hardship. Be honest all the time, and if you can't express something without being honest, just omit it.

Also, I wanted to say that inmates have little to no power in their lives, and can't be independent, which is an extremely difficult scenario for a human being to cope with. Often, the only power they can exert of you is to give you the silent treatment, by not accepting visits, phones calls -- or by not responding to writing. In my personal experience, I have been a victim of this quite a few times, and I can only recommend to anyone in the same situation to exercise patience. In my personal journey, my brother (inmate) always eventually returned to communication after a while, once the point was made, or his emotional state changed enough to allow him to continue communication. Be patient, ever patient ...

Amitoufo, JD