I'm not sure where I belong anymore.

[bumblebee37]

In the beginning I joined PTO because me son was incarcerated. I guess I did 13 or 14 years by myself, ashamed to tell others, not handling the criticism or the whispers of others, so I shut down and didn't talk about my son Joe until I stumbled across this site a few years ago.
Since that time I have been back and forth to courts trying to find loop holes because I believe he was unjustly sentenced to hell for a crime that is now not such a big deal. In the end my son was released at the mercy of the federal justice system because he was dying.
I don't want to give out a lot of personal information (I never have) but today I find myself in a whirlpool of hurt, somewhat lost, and I guess anger has my reins most of the time. It's driving me. When most people should be mourning I find myself slamming coffee cups, being short tempered, and asking myself WTH the purpose was for me having a child if he was going to spend it complete adulthood behind bars and die a painful death.
People tell me Mary, you have to find a way. You have to find a way to find peace within yourself and let him go. How do you do that? People tell me hand it over to God, your son is with the angels...I find absolutely no comfort in this.
I went to grief therapy and walked my happy ass out. Am I losing it? What am I going to do folks? How do you come to accept the death of your only child? Oh, and on top of it I am struggling with keeping my sobriety. F#$%.
I don't know, I don't even know if I put this in the right forum.
bb

[SusanWayward]

Hey bumblebee -

I'm so sorry to read this.

All I can offer is a virtual hug and a few words that may or may not help.

I can't imagine the depth of grief you must feel, but I can try to relate a little bit, even though my experience is not nearly as devastating as yours...I can relate because no one can break our hearts like our kids.

Anyway -

One of my sons left home under very bad circumstances and we didn't speak to each other for 2 and a half long years.

That was such a hard time for me, to not talk to my beloved son and not really know if he was okay or not.

I was afraid for him, angry at him, missing him all at the same time, and also going through the grief of letting go of all the high hopes I had when he was a kid.

There weren't a lot of people I could talk to about it, either, so I can understand that feeling as well.

I got through the first few months just by repeating "Life is for the living" "Life is for the living" - trying to pep-talk myself into believing that I couldn't let his poor choices and our problems stop me from living a good life in the present moment.

It helped some. The pain didn't go fully away, but I did finally allow myself to live MY life again, and to accept that I could feel the pain of the situation and still let myself have good things and enjoy life a little bit.

That phrase comes from a poem by Langston Hughes:

“Life is for the living.
Death is for the dead.
Let life be like music.
And death a note unsaid.”


The pain might never go away. But you still deserve to be happy, sober and safe. You deserve to live your life. Pain and happiness can co-exist, too. And anger, of course. Who wouldn't be angry? Any small part of what you've been through could make a saint angry! Even anger can be put to a good purpose, when you are ready to do that.

I don't know if these words helped or not. If you want to say Fuck you and your platitudes, Susan Wayward, that's okay, too.

I hope it gets better for you. If you have a support group of people who help you in your sobriety, reach out to them. Treat yourself to some small things that you enjoy. It is okay to do that.

Peace.

[Klewis]

First I want to say my condolences to you. I know when we lose someone close to us we don't believe anyone understands our pain, but I am here to tell you I don't understand it fully because my son that passed away was not my only child. I know it angers you to hear people tell you to move on and they try and comfort you by saying he is in a better place but those worlds do us no good. Its going to take time and lots of it. You are expected to cry, yell and scream. We as mothers try so hard to raise our children so they won't have to go down the dark path. I have a 18 year old son and he just left me to go to Cali and I must admit I fear the worst. They don't see the choices they make and how it is going to not only affect them but us also. You can't hold the pain in, you have to talk about it, it will make you feel better. My son has been gone since 2006 and some days I still find myself talking about it. Its called mourning and no one can tell you how long your going to be in mourning. You might not like the grief therapy but it will help because you should be around people that have been in your shoes. I don't know what else to tell you because I know this is a club that no mother wants to join.

[mooshy]

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

and I guess anger has my reins most of the time. It's driving me. When most people should be mourning I find myself slamming coffee cups, being short tempered, and asking myself WTH the purpose was for me having a child if he was going to spend it complete adulthood behind bars and die a painful death.
bb

Damn Bee, sounds like mourning/grieving to me. In your boat reckon I'd be slammin' up a storm too. Maybe you could just well, be. Forget how you should be, how you'd like to be, how you think others think you should be, how a therapist would encourage you to be, and just be you. Don't offer it to anyone if you don't want to, don't try to get over or past anything. Just feel what you have and be what you are for a bit.

I can't help about the sobriety, but you know that sometimes the best way to get through the shit is to let yourself feel it for a bit. Let yourself feel what you have right now. It's ok not to be ok and we'll all still be here.

[Sheryl P.]

I'm so sorry for all your son and you suffered.
Of course it is not fair and that is enough to make anyone angry.
You have every right to vent and feel out of countrol.This whole situation was out of your control.
Your son is in a place where he is not suffering anymore but YOU still are!
All I can do is offer you my condloences and tell you that there andmany people who care.
Hang in there and maybe you can take that anger and pain and find some small way to honor his memory by making it better for those that are ill and incarcerated.
There are still many man who are dying without anyone to lean on or care.
Hang in there,I belive that before you go home to be with your son again,you will find some purpose to help channel the pain.
Big huggs.

[deeintx]

BB, your pain breaks my heart and the tears just keep flowing. I don't know why life is so unfare to some over others. I don't think there is an answer for that. But you have been such an encouragement for me because of what you both have lived thru. I wish I had the power to rescue you and your son and mine but, I don't. All I can say is I hope you can find the ability to smile and feel happiness again because, I think after all you have been thru you deserved it. I am certain that is what your son wants for you. He loved you as much as you loved him. So remember him and live your life the best you can just in case he can see you and maybe your laughter or grin will finally be his peace. Can you imagine what he would feel like if he is watching you only to see your sadness and pain, what torchure that would be. Just put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can. I care about you ((HUGS)) prayers for you, deeintx

the following are words a family member said after he buried his son...may they help.

We know the will of the Lord must be done. Whatever comes our way, it is well with my soul; if He does not stop the winds of sorrow in my life everytime, I still know He that can. I may drink from the cup of bitterness as God would lead, but He will not forsake me forever; He will bring a calm to my heart.

[OffenderNoMore]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))) BumbleBee. I know that you hurt as I read through your post what I could see is that you are in the anger stage of grieving. I am not going to fill you with trivialities here, I am just going to say that it is ok to be angry and it is ok to feel how you feel, keep on feeling it, it shows that you are still in the land of the living.

Your loss is horrendous at best, and as a parent, it is the worst nightmare possible. Having said that, just know that you are loved, hang on to your sobriety because in reality how will that help you? It won't, you and I both know this.

I will not tell you to find peace within yourself, I will suggest that if possible, to assign yourself time to grieve. When I say this, I mean to realize that you are a hurting mom, who lost her child and to acknowledge that what is going on with you is normal. To realize that given enough time, the anger will subside and you will go on to the next stage.

God bless you.

[sidewalker]

I know nothing I say could help you BB.
Saying sorry for your loss is so.....well, its not too helpful, even tho its how I feel.
I AM sorry for your loss. I dont know how well I would deal with the tragedy of it if it was me going thru it.
I'd imagine it would be very similar to what your feeling now. Pissed off at the world.
I only know I wish I could help.
Please dont drink over this. You know it wont help either. ((((((((((((((BB)))))))))))

[nimuay]

Mary, you know I love you . . . I love your fierceness and your ideals, I love the way you've fought for your son, and for the pain and anger you're feeling now.

You're hurting, and that's all right. Yes, it is. You're putting a time limit on your sorrow, and now you're angry because you missed the limit. Well, it's not a real limit. You get to grieve your way and for your time.

Just keep your sobriety, darling woman. Everything else will work out.

[bumblebee37]

Yeah I don't know whats wrong with me. I decided today to try to rekindle old memories and took a ride on the tractor. I ended up on the hill over looking the river, sounds pretty huh? It was till I jumped off, put it gear, let it roll down the hill and I watched the river eat it. It wasn't a smart move since I live about 4 miles from where I did the dirty deed. BUT it was a nice stroll back home in treacherous heat.
I don't know what to do. Maybe all of you are right and I need time...
And I need the man in my life to quit looking at me like I'm nuts and asking me why I didn't just sell it. Well maybe I didn't WANT to sell the goddamn thing...
thanks for letting me be bizarre and vent everyone. Even you Susan Wayward, you are just use to me telling you to go to hell. Sorry.
(hugs) bb

[LifeTraveler]

BB, I can't say anything more to you than what the others have told you. I can't tell you that I know how you feel because I'm not in your skin or in your head. I can tell you that there is no time limit for mourning. Just go with it as long as you don't hurt yourself or anybody else. Hell, I used to sit in my car and scream my lungs out. Hell yeah, it hurts. There are no words to describe the pain. BIG HUG!!!!

[michaelpaulswif]

Be mad if you want too! No one has the right to tell you how to morn you son. When my son past away people said the samethings to me and it made me wanna kick them. I still don't morn the way people think I should. I have aaron birthday partys his life was wonderful. I don't go to the grave cause my sons not there. My point is this is you son your grief and your business! If you wanna roll 10 trackers into a river do it! If you need a cheer leader call me and I will clap while you put em in gear.

[fbopnomore]

I'm sorry for your loss. Grieving over the loss of a child will never stop, but in my case it did become less vivid over time. Everyone grieves in their own way, so how you do is completely up to you. Nobody else on earth is dealing with the same emotions that you are, maybe similar ones, but not yours.

I am thankful that he was released from prison before he passed away. When I was locked up in the FMC at Butner, guys died there almost every day. My worst fear was that I might have the same fate.

[bumblebee37]

Maybe I should try looking at things from a different perspective and that he was allowed home and I was with him when he passed because it sure could have been different.
I don't mean to be having a pity party I'm just really confused inside.

[deeintx]

BB, You will grieve and emotions will run like a roller coaster there will be moments of highs and lows. But take it to heart that your son didn't die alone and didn't die not knowing how much you loved him. You were there by his side through the good and the bad supporting, loving, and more you could not do. I do hope your fond memories will begin to come without the heart wrenching pain along with it. I will continue to hold you up in my thoughts and prayers. Hope today is a better day. deeintx

[dbd335]

bb, i came over to this forum hoping to find you - i just want to tell you how very sorry i am for your loss - my heart has been burdened for you for so long - grief is a "do it yourself" project - i agree with the posts of so many on here - i pray you find your way through this terrible reality - take care of yourself

[bumblebee37]

Thank dbd, I'm just having some numb days right now. I feel real empty inside. For 17+ years I wrote him, supported him, he was my everything, and I plotted constantly on how to get my boy out and it never happened until the end of his life was near.
I have my job and it keeps making me get up everyday or I would probably be laid up on my couch with picture albums or staring at those great family pictures taken at visitation.
Anyways, thanks for looking for me. I think the police are too, I just ran over about 10 orange cones on the highway because I wanted to.
(hugs) bb

[MKatrinaToo]

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

I think the police are too, I just ran over about 10 orange cones on the highway because I wanted to.
(hugs) bb

I am not joking--I have been wanting to do exactly that for the last two years. At the very least, it would be fun! I do drive as cloooooose as I can to those things.

So was it as fun as I think it is? I also think about swiping those cones........

You are doing fine--I know you don't think so, but you are. Keep on keeping on.

[bumblebee37]

Heck yeah it was fun! I have what some call 'road rage' so I enjoyed it immensely! It was like the highlight of my day...does that tell you I don't have much of a life?

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

Heck yeah it was fun! I have what some call 'road rage' so I enjoyed it immensely! It was like the highlight of my day...does that tell you I don't have much of a life?

LMAO BB! I have done that and I did not realize how tough those damn things are...You go girl...I have serious road-rage myself, but thankfully a clean record...looking for some wood to knock on. AND sometimes, it is the little things in life that make and keep it interesting

Peace~

[dalesgirl]

Reach out . There are several good sites and in some areas groups: compassionatefriends.org, lossofachild.org are two.
If anyone judges you for his incarceration history, tell them to piss off and keep trying to you find support from people who have also felt this pain.
I have never lost a child but my mom lost my brother, and I saw what it did to her.
Prayers for you.

[mooshy]

Originally Posted by MKatrinaToo

I also think about swiping those cones........

Folks, if you take one home you can transform your desk lamp in an instant

I am currently in crisis - for years we only had orange ones. Now I've seen dark blue, pale blue, green, yellow. Oooooh the choices! Almost like an Ikea range.

Sending you a virtual {{{{{hug}}}} today Bee.

[bumblebee37]

I dragged one out from under my car, cleaned it off and wore it into work on my head to play with the children. They thought that was some funny stuff. And noooo I didn't tell them how I acquired it. Hmmm. Maybe I need to get on more meds...
bb

[kevinmom]

What can I say I hate when people say you have to let go they're in a better place right now. Maybe eventually I will feel that way. I haven't had to bury my son and I feel a parent should never have to bury their child. I am so sorry. I did lose my mom and my dad 18 months ago suddenly 9 days apart and know the love I have for them and miss them so much. 6 deaths in 16 months was horrible. I did watch a mama bury her only son after horrible car accident in march and it rocked me to the core. I knew that precious baby and he was only 19. Yes I have alot of farmers, country folks in my family so I can definitely relate to the tractor small town. I still grieve for my mom and people say oh get over it it's been so long blah blah. Yeah I too tried the counseling, meds, everything. I don't really like talking about feelings or joining grief groups so yeah I walked out too. The one thing I have found that has helped is called emotional freedom technique. You can google it. Oh yeah I also pray and turn the music up! We all mourn in different ways for different amounts of time. Lots of love and hugs to you.

[bumblebee37]

You know it's going on 2 months now and I'm still lost.
I try hard, real hard actually, to make my life normal. I get up every freaking morning to face the day but sometimes it doesn't seem good enough for the people closest to me in my personal life. I'm not as happy go lucky as I use to be (that's funny huh Nimuay LOL) but I'm maintaining and behaving in the public eye.
I came home last night and made taking out my bay window look like it was little more then breaking a glass when I found all my son's belongings moved to the barn. Can I say I came real close to committing a violent act of domestic violence without being ridiculed? I was one hurt/pissed of momma. How dare anyone push me like that. I'm not saying I was making his room a shrine because I never went near it but I wasn't ready to move it, touch it, or let anyone else in there. It feels like I was assaulted and I don't know if that is normal or not but I had to call in sick today because I am in no mood to fuck with anyone let alone be fucked with.
I know and understand it's only material things but am I eventually going to come home and his ashes be in the basement? Goddamn I'm hurt and mad today. Please forgive my sailor mouth, bb