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  #51  
Old 04-28-2018, 01:43 AM
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Big can of worms, I think we will put the lid back on quickly!
Huge can and I would superglue that dang lid on good!
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Old 04-28-2018, 05:37 AM
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Just a note, I gave the posts with the golden state killer its own thread.
Lets keep this one to folks with questions about finding out their own dna.
THANKS GUYS.
http://prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=711521
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  #53  
Old 01-22-2019, 10:21 PM
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Update
Driving home and listening to NPR as usual, I hear an interview with author Dani Shapiro about her latest memoir, Inheritance. Essentially, we share a same story-- our birth fathers were donors, we didn't know, we found out as adults. We were told the "mixed sperm, medical student donor" story. Listening to her stirred all of this up for me again. I recalled mom saying that Ancestry had done some updating of it's regional stuff because as more people participate they are better able to refine the formula, I suppose. Well...I have a half sister. She has no information on her profile, uses a screen name and not her name and hasn't logged in for over four years. I've cried myself silly and into a headache. To know but not be any closer to knowing is maddening. Like a tease.

My percentage of likeness with my maternal side also dropped significantly. I'm so much eastern European it's almost shocking.

I still feel exactly as I did before I spit in a tube. Confused, sad, hopeful, scared. I want to know, but I don't know what I would do if I did know.

By the way, if you happen to be kelly3744 on ancestry, hit me up...sister?
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  #54  
Old 01-22-2019, 10:45 PM
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Update
Driving home and listening to NPR as usual, I hear an interview with author Dani Shapiro about her latest memoir, Inheritance. Essentially, we share a same story-- our birth fathers were donors, we didn't know, we found out as adults. We were told the "mixed sperm, medical student donor" story. Listening to her stirred all of this up for me again. I recalled mom saying that Ancestry had done some updating of it's regional stuff because as more people participate they are better able to refine the formula, I suppose. Well...I have a half sister. She has no information on her profile, uses a screen name and not her name and hasn't logged in for over four years. I've cried myself silly and into a headache. To know but not be any closer to knowing is maddening. Like a tease.

My percentage of likeness with my maternal side also dropped significantly. I'm so much eastern European it's almost shocking.

I still feel exactly as I did before I spit in a tube. Confused, sad, hopeful, scared. I want to know, but I don't know what I would do if I did know.

By the way, if you happen to be kelly3744 on ancestry, hit me up...sister?
Wow that is some story. My friend found 2 siblings on there. 2 were given up for adoption. She now has 9 siblings.

I ha e a 2nd cousin who reached out to me. She was able to find her mom who passed a few years after she was born. Now looking for her dad. I put my aunt on it because she knows the family in TX where she would have come from. It is crazy. So far she has a sense of humor about it. And if they figure it our she comes from an extremely large family. I do t know if her father is alive, knows about her etc.

We matched on my mom's side. She was able to trace back to my great great grandmother.

If meant to be you'll meet your sister. Maybe she isn't ready yet.
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  #55  
Old 01-22-2019, 10:50 PM
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If meant to be you'll meet your sister. Maybe she isn't ready yet.
Mom said she probably did the test for the same reason I might (I wanted to be a smarty and say, "You asked her to do it, too?"), but I knew what she meant. Maybe she'll log back in. Maybe there are others.

It's a bit like putting a blender inside your brain and putting it on low pulse. I feel OK, then shocked, OK, shocked.
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Old 01-23-2019, 07:54 AM
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Im not sure but I think you can message folks you share/match dna with.
i just looked at mine and clicked on my son's profile and it popped up with a screen to send a message.

I dont know if they want you to pay the extra for doing that tho.......
So you could try it, if you feel like trying to contact her.
She may not respond or even see the message but guessing if she uses the same email as when she signed up for Ancestry....she would get a message.



They do keep updating the info. Mine has changed quite a bit.
Went from I think I wrote 37percent Irish/Scot to 53.
We also DO have a dab of German (germanic europe)
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  #57  
Old 01-23-2019, 12:33 PM
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Im not sure but I think you can message folks you share/match dna with.

I dont know if they want you to pay the extra for doing that tho.......
So you could try it, if you feel like trying to contact her.
She may not respond or even see the message but guessing if she uses the same email as when she signed up for Ancestry....she would get a message.

They do keep updating the info. Mine has changed quite a bit.
Went from I think I wrote 37percent Irish/Scot to 53.
I thought about sending her a message on the off chance that she checks it. My blender brain went straight to-- what if I scare her away? I've found a group of folks who apparently love genealogy so much they do pro-bono research for you in cases where you can't make sense of yours. I'm probably going to reach out to them and see if they can help me. There are so many tools to make use of (different sites to upload your raw dna, dna painters, cMs, bands) that add-in the emotional part and I shut down. I also have a second cousin clearly on my father's side who is a current site user, I thought about messaging her but what do I ask? If she's my second cousin, then her parent is my cousin, so their parent is my aunt or uncle which would make my dad their sibling? How the heck does that strike someone from out of the blue?



I went from 30-something% Irish/Welsh to 17% I think. My Baltic ancestry appeared for the first time. Strongly.
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  #58  
Old 01-23-2019, 12:58 PM
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Default It's in the Genes

I spit in a tube. I did it for paternity questions. My birth dad swears that I'm not his, everyone else in his family, knows that I am. The test showed that he is my father.

I think he just needs to rant. He's not a part of my life. His sisters are, though. He has a son, 1/2 brother to me. Good old Dad kept us apart. I wrote to brother a couple of years ago, we are both in our 40s. I wondered if it might be too late, for us to have a sibling relationship. I know I had the right address, it never was sent back. Someone in his family either read it or trashed it, or both.

She may not want to be part of your life, but she may be interested in knowing how your life has been. If you are able to make contact, try not to pressure her. Take things slow & easy.
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  #59  
Old 01-23-2019, 01:29 PM
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She may not want to be part of your life, but she may be interested in knowing how your life has been. If you are able to make contact, try not to pressure her. Take things slow & easy.
Thank you. Yes, I guess that would be my approach. To be honest I'm terrified of a "whole 'nother family". I was raised far away from my mom and dad's families, only one set of grandparents and one cousin that I grew up with. They're all either deceased or no contact now. The idea of siblings is overwhelming. I think, for now, I just want to know. What I do with it may be minimal.
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  #60  
Old 01-23-2019, 02:41 PM
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Thank you. Yes, I guess that would be my approach. To be honest I'm terrified of a "whole 'nother family". I was raised far away from my mom and dad's families, only one set of grandparents and one cousin that I grew up with. They're all either deceased or no contact now. The idea of siblings is overwhelming. I think, for now, I just want to know. What I do with it may be minimal.
Yes they are your blood, but virtually a stranger until you get to know one another. Sometimes you'll have a best friend for life and sometimes another headache.

Medically, they may search for answers. Slow and steady.

Introduction and hopefully a friendship blooms. Just keep expectations in check.
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  #61  
Old 01-23-2019, 06:02 PM
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Introduction and hopefully a friendship blooms. Just keep expectations in check.
I signed up for the pro bono group just to see what kind of help is available and they pointed out something I had tunnel-vision on-- just because I know my conception was by donor doesn't mean they do. If I jump up with a "Hey-- we might have the same dad!" scenario, it has the potential to start all kinds of waves. It would be so much 'easier' if he would pop up and I could message him directly. I read people's stories and some are darn-near fairy tale. Saw a few posts from donors wanting to meet their grown children, an offspring who has located 17(!) half siblings. It all sounds so rosy. But I know, just like in this life, there's stuff you want to splash all over and stuff you sort of keep to yourself. I have a feeling the heartbreak stories don't make it up on the forum as often.
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Old 01-24-2019, 07:07 AM
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I think I would try.
Figure out a way to word it so it is curious.
If she has logged in, or uses the same email (as she did when she signed up for it)
she would have gotten a notification as well (like you did)
So maybe she is thinking the same thing you are?
Ya know?


I'd keep it brief, but leave a door open.
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  #63  
Old 01-24-2019, 01:28 PM
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My mom is sick and my cat is dying (what a way to start a post, eh?) so I've been up a lot at night. Last night I spent it tracing the people who overlap from that potential sister down to third cousins. There are four. I don't have a paid account but mom does so I'll link mine to hers and then if I log in via her, I should be able to see what they have, if anything, on their trees. I'm reading surnames I've never heard before in my life. Two of those close matches are in Europe.

I have no idea what I'm doing and there are probably easier ways to go about it. Reading the methods people use feels like pure nonsense to me. I'm usually not slow to pick up on formulaic things, but this is not clear to me in any way. For example...
If my first cousin J has a daughter, H, wouldn't H be my second cousin?

If my mom has a first cousin, is that person also a second cousin to me?
And are H's kids and my mom's cousin's kids my third cousins? Whaaat?
Where does the whole "removed" thing fit in?

I'm contacting someone. I think I will start with the second cousin who is also (by numbers) a strong match. She logs in daily so maybe there's a good sign. I just need to figure out what and how to ask her. I guess I would need to know her parents? Uggggh.

Last edited by miamac; 01-24-2019 at 01:36 PM..
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Old 01-24-2019, 01:29 PM
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I think I would try.
I think that's a good call. You want to find out, I think I would too. Better to give it a shot than not. It might go nowhere but if you don't try you're probably going to keep wondering if you should or shouldn't.
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  #65  
Old 01-24-2019, 01:38 PM
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So just throwing it out there, if anyone does this stuff for fun and has links to resources or advice, I am all about it. I feel like I'm trying to build a house and I've never seen a nail before.
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Old 01-24-2019, 01:47 PM
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So just throwing it out there, if anyone does this stuff for fun and has links to resources or advice, I am all about it. I feel like I'm trying to build a house and I've never seen a nail before.
It is messy. I've google researched it before and have to check each time. Here's one link:


https://www.genealogy.com/articles/r.../16_cousn.html
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:09 PM
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It is messy. I've google researched it before and have to check each time. Here's one link:


https://www.genealogy.com/articles/r.../16_cousn.html
Ahh, plain English explanations. Thank you!


Edit: and I had it all wrong. Ha! Now it's making sense.
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Old 01-25-2019, 07:20 AM
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This chart might help as well.
https://www.simplemost.com/differenc...usins-removed/
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Old 01-25-2019, 01:58 PM
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Yes, that's a good one. I'll print that out and tape it to my wall by my computer screen. Thank you!
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:20 PM
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I use findagrave.com and the Mormon site (I think it is familysearch.com) quite a lot. Findagrave is actually how we found out my husband's mother had passed. He did have an "adopted" brother hunt him down to tell him when his dad passed...almost a year ago.
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Old 01-25-2019, 04:58 PM
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I use findagrave.com and the Mormon site (I think it is familysearch.com) quite a lot. Findagrave is actually how we found out my husband's mother had passed. He did have an "adopted" brother hunt him down to tell him when his dad passed...almost a year ago.
The LDS church hosts trainings here on how to do things in regard to research and family trees. If they have a "Family Tree Plotting for Dummies" type event, I may have to go. :P Thank you for the suggestions!
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Old 02-04-2019, 02:44 PM
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Update:
I had three days of back and forth with the person I believe to be my half brother (same father, but he was not donor conceived and I am older). He didn't know anything about it but was open to talking and acknowledged that I had the tree mapped out correctly. He seemed genuinely interested in talking to his dad, but now...quiet. My guess is donor isn't wanting to acknowledge and now I feel terrible for putting half brother in this position. I've decided to wait a while and then send one last message apologizing for any awkwardness I may have caused and that if wants to contact me in the future, he is more than welcome. While it's disappointing, I can understand. I've had 20 years to contemplate what this might be like and he only learned of this whole thing five days ago. I have to give him space to process it and decide where it fits for him.
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:30 PM
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Well, guess that was the space he needed. I have a brother, y'all!!

It's a headtrip, for sure. We spoke on the phone for over an hour this evening. We have a lot in common and he seems like he's interested in getting to know one another. We discussed the possibility of another sibling floating out there, but one step at a time. "Dad" knows I've made contact. Brother is going to give him my number and let him know I'm open to talking.

It's all so surreal. I feel like the last twenty years took fifty years and the last few weeks went by in the blink of an eye.

I'm a big sister.
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Old 02-06-2019, 05:31 AM
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HOW AWESOME!
Very glad he reached out to you. Pretty exciting Im sure!
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Old 02-11-2019, 10:42 AM
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Interesting turn of events for my hub.
He found out he has a second cousin, who reached out to him. They are still trying to sort thru who's who and which relative they are connected with.
As a coincidence, she is also Australian, and did not know she had Italian in her. She thought she was greek.
lol.
Hub thought he was mostly Dutch and probably German.
Both of them have alot of Italian and greek.


Hubs dad does not want to take the test (we offered it to him) He says he's 1000percent Dutch. lol.
He did his family tree the old fashioned way. Via birth records/death records/baptismal records via letters.
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