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  #51  
Old 08-12-2010, 07:25 PM
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Thank you for sharing bluebella..your input it greatly appreciated within this thread. Its hard to move past sad, and to also emotionally detach yourself. We are all in this together.
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  #52  
Old 08-20-2010, 09:50 PM
SavesTheDay SavesTheDay is offline
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Unhappy Still using while in jail???

Hello all..I need some strength right now, and I agree that it feels safe when more people that I know are struggling with similar issues can unite together with some support..please bare with my story, and feel free to offer advice:

I am madly in love with my high school sweetheart. We were introduced through a mutual friend and started a band together. I felt blessed when he came into my life. We were great friends before we became intimate, and I have never been in love with someone as much as I am with him. He is incredibly intelligent, graduated with a 4.0, has great aspirations and a loving, caring nature...BUT, he is an addict. I can't even pinpoint or designate a particular drug because it does not matter what the drug is, he has abused nearly everything. Addiction runs in his family, mainly from his father, who used to leave for months at a time when my boyfriend was just a small child, and show up back at the house as if nothing was wrong. His first offense was in 8th grade for buying weed off of someone. Although, what landed him in jail was heroin. Heroin was absolutely horrendous, and it all started just because he tried one oxycontin from a co-worker. He became so desperate that he felt he needed to break into a car and steal to get money for drugs. Unfortunately, this was not the first time this had happened, but it was the first time he was caught. As hard as it is to admit, part of me was relieved. He had been "clean" for 8 months..when I use quotations, I mean that he was clean of off all illegal drugs, but he had been on methadone for the past 8 months. I knew off the bat that this would be a very risky choice with methadone. I'm not sure if any of you have experienced what this drug does to people, but it is borderline disgusting. I hated the fact that he was on it, but I knew that he wanted to have some sort of "crutch" before completely weening off of his drug of choice. It seemed to do far worse than good, causing him to seek other drugs other than heroin, mainly cocaine.

Anyways, he has been in jail for 3 months and went through withdrawal from methadone, cocaine, cigarettes, everything..and he looked and sounded AMAZING, and i knew that he loved the way he felt off of drugs. Yet, part of me cannot help but think that there is just this evil voice inside of him that controls these addictive thoughts. I've recently been becoming more and more suspicious that he might be using in jail. He has gone from sounding thankful and full of spirit when hearing my voice, to irritated, annoyed, and uninterested. Also, I send him one envelope with a stamp and my return address on it every time i send him a letter (this is allowed at our jail, as long as there is a return address), but he has not sent me a letter back with these envelopes. I got a letter from him today that looked like a letter he bought from commissary, with his name and address written in pen with someone elses handwriting (inmates are not allowed to have pens, he always writes in pencil) and a different stamp. This leads me to believe that he is possibly selling the stamps that I give him? And maybe just bought that envelope since I was complaining that he was not writing to me?? Either way, regardless of how crazy that may sound, I am suspicious, and I know what my instinct/gut tells me, and I can't ignore it. If I find out that he is in fact using in jail, then I am 100%, absolutely going to end it. True love waits, and true love can survive, but my "true love" needs to have more respect than to kick himself, me, and his family, while we are all down at our worst. I waste hours worrying about him, and all I can do is hope that I am wrong..but I still don't quite know for sure. It's bad enough that I have nearly zero support from family and friends, because they are sick of his actions and they feel that he will not change. He's said many times that hes wanted to, hes been to rehab multiple times...:sigh:...I just wish that Pennsylvania would recognize that drug addicts belong in rehab, not jail..New York has opened up this type of program for drug offenders where they go to an intensive rehab as opposed to jail, and it has statistically lowered recidivism. Unfortunately, I can't blame anything else but him..he needs to want to change. He says he does, and part of me does truly believe that, but it seems as if he has a dark side that he just cannot overcome. It is so, incredibly heartbreaking..
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  #53  
Old 08-21-2010, 08:31 AM
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SavestheDay...it seems as though you already know what you feel you must do. Advice is futile since none of us can know this man as well as you do and it appears you already understand the signs you're seeing. Unfortunately the only way you'll really KNOW if he's using is if he happens to get caught with it; chances are he could go through his whole bid and that wouldn't happen.

It does appear that you're reaching the end of your rope and no one should judge you if you choose to walk away! An addict takes the risk of loosing those who love them and even the addict knows that they have no one to blame but themselves if/when that happens. It sounds like you've already put some intense effort over a long period of time into trying to help him so no one, including him and/or YOURSELF, should try to guilt you into trying to do more if you need to move on.

Everyone deserves the chance to enjoy life and I commend your wisdom and courage in realizing you need to focus on you! I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do!
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  #54  
Old 08-22-2010, 01:06 AM
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i know, i'm not quite sure what i was looking for..advice wise, at least..maybe just others that had possibly gone through a similar situation. it's not a matter of understanding addiction at all, it's just a matter of a battle between my heart and my mind. but you're absolutely right, i know that i deserve happiness..unfortunately, i've felt so happy with this man for quite some time. but if he continues to chose drugs over what he truly 'loves', then i guess i have no choice but to leave
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  #55  
Old 08-23-2010, 02:26 PM
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SavesTheDay..thank you so much for sharing your story with us. it takes immense courage..and I commend you I hope and pray you find the support and clarity that you are looking for.
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  #56  
Old 08-23-2010, 03:40 PM
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I struggled with binge drinking for over 10 years. Not sure what constitutes an alcoholic really. I was out in the clubs and house parties a lot. I also worked in a club where I felt I NEEDED to drink to carry myself. Drinking led me to a magnitude of bad decisons including occassional drug use and arrests.

My Love is a recovered alcoholic. He also abused drugs when he was selling. He abused women while abusing. He is incarcerated on his third DUI.

He and I were saved during this bid and plan on a drug/alcohol free life. We do not attend classes (they are not offered where he is even though he was court mandated for them) and church was my saving grace. I would be willing to go to AA with him if he ever needed to once he is home.

My mother was/is also a binge drinker. I believe she suffers low self esteem and depression. I believe I fought most of my life not to be like her, but drinking made me forget what she was like, I suppose. I don't know for sure if she ever tried to kill herself, but I would have if I had a relationship like ours. I know that I did back in 2000 over a quart or Crown and asprin.

My father was a heroin addict and drug user. He was not active in my life, but he has been in and out of it throughout the years with strange stories. I believe he is more phsychotic than a druggie, but perhaps one led to the other.
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  #57  
Old 08-25-2010, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by XOXO120410XOXO View Post
My mother was/is also a binge drinker. I believe she suffers low self esteem and depression. I believe I fought most of my life not to be like her, but drinking made me forget what she was like, I suppose. I don't know for sure if she ever tried to kill herself, but I would have if I had a relationship like ours. I know that I did back in 2000 over a quart or Crown and asprin.
Thank you so much for sharing. Its funny because my mother's father was an alcoholic...and she vowed to never be like him. I wonder how it turns out that way? I always say that I'll never be that person...(but i dream of being atleast HALF the woman my MOTHER was. not the alcoholic that has consumed her life)

Welcome to our little "area"...and again, thank you for sharing.
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Old 08-25-2010, 04:21 PM
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I am one of 6 girls, my place is 4th. My father was an alcoholic until I was 10. That meant 3 of my sisters grew up their entire lives with his alcoholism. I am going on 38 in oct. He is nearly 30 years alcohol free. Thankfully my mother is a Proverbs 31 woman even to this day. My parents have been divorced twice, second time because he was using drugs this time not to mention cheating. My father is completely clean of everything now and has been for about 10 years if not a little more. My mothers faith is what has sustained her. I chose at a very young age that alcohol and drugs would never be a part of my life or the lives of my children. I don't even keep or allow that type of stuff in my home. However I do have an 18yo daughter who thinks she needs weed to sustain her. She's doing the"I'm 18 and its my life". She will find out the hard way it really isn't worth it. She isn't allowed in my home nor is anybody else if they have anything on them I don't want here. None of this has been easy and tough love is never easy to follow through with. All this said I can only relate to being the child of an alcoholic and that was more than enough to not want that for myself and my children. Prayers go out to those of you who struggle. With God all things are possible
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  #59  
Old 08-25-2010, 04:47 PM
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Thank you hisqueen. I can only imagine how hard that tough love thing is. In a way...sometimes I feel like I'm not strong enough to dish it out completely. But in the end..it seems I'm always the one hurting.


What about everyone else? Thats a good topic to talk about.

What are your views on "tough love"..and is it easy or hard for you to dish it out?
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Old 08-25-2010, 05:42 PM
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How about a definition for
Tough Love?
It may mean different things to people.
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  #61  
Old 08-25-2010, 10:07 PM
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it seems as if the one aspect that hisqueen was referring to with 'tough love' is being able to stand up for what you believe is right, no matter how harsh the consequences. she clearly does not want her daughter using ANYTHING, especially in her home, so the tough love comes in to play when she needs to ask her to leave. in a case like this, it's necessary, because her daughter needs to accept her own responsibilities and learn that she can't have someone to always fall back on. i had to kick my boyfriend out for using, because i could not support him when he was on drugs. it is "tough love", sorta seems like you're kicking them out to the curb, but hopefully they find the value in taking responsibility for their actions and learning how their negative behavior effects themselves & others. i don't follow organized religion, but if faith can help you enforce tough love, i say go for it
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:33 PM
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it seems as if the one aspect that hisqueen was referring to with 'tough love' is being able to stand up for what you believe is right, no matter how harsh the consequences.
Good description on it.

I view tough love as being harsh and stern in your viewpoints and opinions, so the one addicted understands what it puts you through..as well as what you won't tolerate.

The "tough love" i have had to dish out to my mother is/was when she claims she wants help. I take her to the hospital..and when she tries to leave before help is given...i tell the doctors the real seal (her suicide attempts) without anything sugarcoated (like she does)..and i tell her that if she leaves..i am done. I wipe my hands clean..and i am DONE.

The funny thing about my "tough love" is that it never works..because EVERYTIME (and i mean everytime!) she comes up with a legit excuse as to why she left. (They didnt accept insurance..etc etc etc the list goes on and on) And then..i feel bad for being "done"....and its a circle of events that keep on playing and playing.

I think I need to grow a backbone and really play out this "tough love" thing.

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Old 08-26-2010, 07:09 PM
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So, the tough love for you towards your mother would be:
following through on "done."
If we say we are going to do something, or not do something then it cannot be an idle threat. Perhaps the "I'm done" is too harsh for you.
Just say what you really can follow through with: baby steps.
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  #64  
Old 08-26-2010, 07:54 PM
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So, the tough love for you towards your mother would be:
following through on "done."
If we say we are going to do something, or not do something then it cannot be an idle threat. Perhaps the "I'm done" is too harsh for you.
Just say what you really can follow through with: baby steps.
Funny thing about that is...I REALLY mean it when I say it

Maybe one day I'll actually walk the walk...
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Old 08-28-2010, 10:33 AM
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Boo I agre with decoprincess...if the "im done" bottom line doesn't work maybe you need to baby step into the tough love? Maybe something like, "I won't pick you up, take you anywhere, or go to your house." That leaves you the option to still talk to your mom on the phone...

Tough love is just that "tough." It's not just tough on the addict, most times it's actually tougher on the support. But honestly, if statements become idle threats it does nothing but create intense guilt on both ends. The support feels guilt for not following through and the addict feels the guilt for pushing their loved ones that far.

To me tough love is a consequence that no one wants to face but that becomes necassary for the safety of the support/loved one along with the addict. Unfortunately, at times, it only works to keep the support safe because addicts are too absorbed by their own needs to care about bottom lines.

Last edited by Cindy C; 08-28-2010 at 10:34 AM..
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Old 08-28-2010, 11:41 AM
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CindyC..thank you for that. I guess both you and decoprincess are right. As much as I mean my "tough love"..im too weak to follow through. And in reality...it probably does absolutely nothing to my mother anymore..because one. i never follow through and two. she probably doesnt remember in the morning anyway.

Tough love in baby steps. Thats my next goal. Thanks

Now...what happens if I'm forced into this tough love thing by her actions and she "gets better" (and that is said loosely...get better usually lasts a couple weeks..if that)

Does it undo itself?...Do i continue with the penalty of her actions (or the tough love)

Because if i fall weak and give in...what am i really teaching?

Thanks again guys. I think this thread was a great idea..and its helping me a lot.
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  #67  
Old 08-28-2010, 04:18 PM
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Recovery is a long process Boo...your mom will have to earn your trust back. There's no set time or prescribed evidence. It's all about your own comfort zone and when you feel she's showing signs of true recovery.

I guess what I'm saying is baby steps to tough love then baby steps back into the relationship

Everyone's bottom line is different Boo. Hear me now...you are NOT weak for being unable to cut all ties!!! I don't care what anyone says...the bottom line does not always have to be all or nothing! That's a load of crap! As a support you have to do what's best for you and if keeping some form of contact with your mom because it keeps you from staying up at night worrying about her then so be it!! But you can still make your point clear by cutting of face to face time, money, etc. That will keep you safe while also producing a consequence that you can stand true to...
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Old 08-28-2010, 05:48 PM
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Recovery is a long process Boo...your mom will have to earn your trust back. There's no set time or prescribed evidence. It's all about your own comfort zone and when you feel she's showing signs of true recovery.

I guess what I'm saying is baby steps to tough love then baby steps back into the relationship

Everyone's bottom line is different Boo. Hear me now...you are NOT weak for being unable to cut all ties!!! I don't care what anyone says...the bottom line does not always have to be all or nothing! That's a load of crap! As a support you have to do what's best for you and if keeping some form of contact with your mom because it keeps you from staying up at night worrying about her then so be it!! But you can still make your point clear by cutting of face to face time, money, etc. That will keep you safe while also producing a consequence that you can stand true to...

Thank You. Really. Thank you.

Maybe i need baby steps INTO my baby steps
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Old 08-29-2010, 02:48 PM
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Dayna thank you so much for posting "How it Works".

BooBoo thank YOU for starting this topic. I don't know where to even start. I will be brief for now. My brother is an alcoholic, he is in the SAFP program. I buried a fiancé years ago ...drinking and driving. Thank the good Lord he didn't take an innocent person with him. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. It's hard...very, very hard. I hear the word alcohol and I cringe. I have been married for 28 years and up until around 2004 I never told anyone about my husband. My head is spinning right now and not sure where to begin! My brothers issues escalated 10 years ago when a doctor put him on psych. meds. I begged and begged the doctor to get him off of them. The doctor was treating him for possible bi-polar. The doctor would never speak to any of the family. Family history is crucial when diagnosing someone with a mental illness! High doses of Ativan and Seroquil for 2 1/2 years...my brother was zombied out...bedridden at my parents house..and now he craves benzo's which only make him drink worse and totally flips him out. (sorry if this sounds like a train wreck..rambling from A-Z....train wreck? Oh yeah...def. an emotional roller coaster from hell.
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Old 08-29-2010, 07:42 PM
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Maybe i need baby steps INTO my baby steps
BooBoo do what you have to, i know this is so hard for you! there is a saying in AA, for us alcoholics who have trouble with something..."ask God for the willingness to BE willing."...so if you have to take baby steps into your baby steps, thats fine sweetness.
xo!
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Old 08-29-2010, 08:06 PM
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Beverly..thank you so much for sharing you "story"...and thank you for joining in on our discussions. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed..no matter how much you think its a "train wreck"..because believe me...we all have our stories...and we are all in this together. I can relate to the "functioning alcoholic" because for a while...THAT WAS MY MOM!. Oh yes. Its a very sad thing to watch...As for your brother...I'm sorry you have to experience that. Slowly but surely well find our way to detachment, and the addict will no longer affect us in dramatic ways like it does now. Baby steps

Spica:
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Old 08-29-2010, 08:07 PM
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Does anyone else have anything they want feedback on?...or something they wish to discuss?
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Old 09-01-2010, 05:24 PM
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Okay!..since no one has anything they want to discuss. I guess I'll go again

Tell me your views on this:

What happens when a person is addicted to prescription painkillers. Pain killers that are/were prescribed to them! The addict experiences true, unbearable pain. How is one supposed to recover, and what are other options besides pain killers?

Just a thought.
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Old 09-02-2010, 12:59 PM
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I wish I had seen this thread earlier. I haven't been on lately...lots of stuff going on that I'm trying to get done before John gets home.

Anyway

Growing up my father was an alcoholic and it was hard to deal with and we didn't speak for a couple years because of it. Unfortunately, it took his father dying to really see what he was doing and he's been a totally different person.

But the real reason I wanted to say something in here is John. When I met him, he was big on pills but I didn't see all the stuff that was going on in the background until a few months later. Even then, I was in denial about how serious his addiction was and stayed that way until my eyes were opened wide in the most disturbing way possible...an OD...more than once. The last one was the one that did it for him....that made him decide he was done...because our daughter was about to be born.

I always thought I was enough to make him stop because he said I was...but he hid things from me that I thought I would never miss and I was hurt for a long time and was thinking about leaving. But I couldn't give up on him...I loved him too much for that.

All his life, he's been used for one thing or another and has thrown away alot due to thinking that he wasn't worth anything...until his daughter was born. I have a child from a previous relationship but that wasn't the same thing. He didn't think he could have kids...until I got pregnant (duh :P ).

I really think that the day she was born was his turning point...that he finally saw some of his worth.

I know we have the kind of love that most look for all their lives, something I thought I would never find...and I know he's worth fighting for.

And with that, I'm stepping off my soapbox...for now.
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Old 09-02-2010, 01:17 PM
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Saves the Day,

Before I met the man who is now my fiance, I was with a drug addict for over two years. He was pretty much into everything especially cocaine and crack which were his loves. I never knew until a few months into the relationship that he was on the stuff. After two years of dealing with his addiction, I ended it. And then I found out later, that every single time I even suspected he was on the stuff - HE WAS! Numerous times I would talk myself out of it - tell my self I was being paranoid. But in the end, my instincts were right every time. And he never ever admitted it. If this helps in anyway...trust yourself. Be true to you and the rest will fall into place. much love.
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