I left hoping for peace/Updated

[Cutepixie]

I have shared my story here over the years. Around 6-7 years ago I thought leaving I would get some level of peace and serenity. I have fought hard for that. For 2 years after I left until he took his own life he tormented me and my girls.

I will never forget the day that I got that phone call and I know there is a post on here around that day. Again. I thought to myself, "Do I finally get peace?" His torment comes now in the form of our daughter. My daughter 13 years old who refuses to go to therapy, refuses any mental health assistance. She is manipulative, gaslights me all the time, she goes to school and lies about our home and our family having multiple unfounded CPS cases (the first initially incited by her father, telling her if she wanted to live with daddy she needed to go to school the next day and tell EVERYONE that mommy hits her and grandpa molests her). Disgusting. That was the only place we had to live after leaving him before getting on my feet. It feels like it never ends. When he took his life my poor baby lost it. I saw her turn more towards darkness. This has been the hardest road. When I think healing happens I feel dragged but down by my child who is haunted by a person no longer here. She does whatever she wants and no one does anything. Not the school, and she's missed most of the year! They ask me what I am doing!?!!? Anytime I schedule a therapy appointment or assessment, even if I don't tell her about it, she runs away. It's insanity. She is so manipulative, she lies about everything. She now has court in a week. I am writing this because I feel so incredibly alone. I feel triggered and even though I go to therapy every week I Feel hopeless because there's no help. My hope is to get her inpatient somewhere but she's good, she knows what to say and what not to say.

I guess I wondered if anyone else ever experienced this with their children? Totally resistant or defiant? Just making it like everything you went through with your partner. The only thing she hasn't done yet is hit me...and I don't think that's far from happening. She has gotten in my face, threatened me, told me she hopes I die. I am sad to share this. I worked hard and continue to work hard to provide a space of hope, guidance, light and love for my children to thrive.

[miamac]

Oh, hun. This must be so incredibly difficult.

As you know I don't have children. But we have a family friend who is raising her grandchildren and she has a 13yo grand daughter that you just described to a T-- except she has hit/physically fought her grandma. She's stolen, runaway, wrote manifestos that would scare anyone, she's cut. Grandma has taken her from pillar to post as far as counseling and she refuses to speak.

Last week she swallowed a bottle of Tylenol. It wasn't fatal but, of course, it made her quite ill. That got her a ticket to the ER and a 72 hour hold in the pediatric psych. From there they transported her to Portland for inpatient. From what I'm hearing (as I type, mom is talking to grandma), this is the first time grand daughter is cooperating. I don't know if she's tired or scared, but something cracked her facade enough to accept help.

That doesn't help you in any functional way, but I do want you to know you're not alone. There are other folks out here with children in their lives who are going through similiar things and there is help. How to get to that point...I don't know. Obviously the way this family did wasn't ideal.

I'm sending you big hugs. We're always here to listen.

[Kimimi]

As a mother of two adult children and one 17 year old my heart goes out to you. Are you near Portland at all, I have a few resources in the Portland area.

[Cutepixie]

Originally Posted by Kimimi

As a mother of two adult children and one 17 year old my heart goes out to you. Are you near Portland at all, I have a few resources in the Portland area.

I'm not, unfortunately. There were a lot of great resources in Oregon and I am no longer residing there. I am in Nevada where it seems there are few resources to support parents who are going through this. It's a bit unnerving.

[GingerM]

I have no advice for you. My heart breaks that you are still dealing with the fallout caused by this man, even after he's dead. My heart breaks that your daughter is living (and NOT dealing with) the fallout.

All I can do is offer emotional support. At 13, I believe she can be admitted into a lockdown clinic without her consent (not sure about where you are, in TX and OR, consent of the patient is required for those over 15). But that means finding a clinic and managing to get her there without her bolting.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this.

[sidewalker]

I hope she is able to get some help of some sort. And you as well. I know all to well about an out of control teenager. Unfortunately they grow into out of control adults if not helped.
I tried everything as well. Yelling, not talking, talking, pleading, crying, ignoring, loving in spite of the vitriol thrown back at me.
And of course it was all my fault.
It hurts. Still.

[Cutepixie]

UPDATE! My daughter had court on Wednesday and did not come home which means she did not go to court. They put a bench warrant out for her arrest. She got picked up the next morning at school after I dropped her off. I went today for her hearing and they are keeping her until Monday. They are asking for probation, an ankle monitor and psych evaluations as well as therapy. She will have to abide by their rules with also going to school. This is a blessing in disguise. I have been begging for their assistance. My daughter looked so hurt today. I am hopeful that she will understand that this is a direct consequence of her actions. I am hopeful that she will not put it on me and hate me for it. I have told her probation officer that I would truly like to do family counseling. I am hopeful and for the first time it feels nice.

Thank you everyone for listening and giving your loving thoughts, prayers, and kind words. Much love!

[GingerM]

I sincerely hope that this will be a wakeup call for her and that it will help not only her but your entire family find their footing in a more stable place.

Thank you for updating us.

[Firebrand]

Keep it simple. Your the mom and she's the daughter. You're an adult and she's a minor. Most often whether it's to do with abuse, mental health issues, addiction......whatever, the way things get better is by following a routine and a regiment that promotes wellness. She's a kid on the way to becoming an adult. Between now and then, you're the primary example and teacher she has to follow and learn from where adulthood is concerned. It's your job to see to it that she has an example to follow where being responsible, mature and accountable is concerned. LEAVE IT AT THAT. YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO. Stop beating yourself up with what he did, what she won't do or how sad the future looks. You put her on this earth to live a life that is responsible and prosperous. Do your part and let the past go. Set an example for her to follow and stop putting up with her back talk. All relationships to do with parent/child are built upon respect, guidance and answering to the call of a mother or father. She's too old to spank, but she's not too old to correct or discipline. If she is beyond reproach then, let her spend some time locked up and then, try it again. You are on a mission with this child. It's your job to raise her and you can't do that when you let the past be reminder of what you're not now. Let the past go. Let him go. Walk away from his death and what happened. Live in the here and now and let your light shine.
Yes, it's easy for me to say that being that I'm not you, but I know to some degree why she feels and acts the way she does. Not entirely because I'm not a woman and I'm not 13 anymore. Still, the facts are the facts and the facts are she's at a tough age heading in the wrong direction. Do your part and let the God of your understanding take of the rest.

[jessesgirl1111]

Originally Posted by Cutepixie

UPDATE! My daughter had court on Wednesday and did not come home which means she did not go to court. They put a bench warrant out for her arrest. She got picked up the next morning at school after I dropped her off. I went today for her hearing and they are keeping her until Monday. They are asking for probation, an ankle monitor and psych evaluations as well as therapy. She will have to abide by their rules with also going to school. This is a blessing in disguise. I have been begging for their assistance. My daughter looked so hurt today. I am hopeful that she will understand that this is a direct consequence of her actions. I am hopeful that she will not put it on me and hate me for it. I have told her probation officer that I would truly like to do family counseling. I am hopeful and for the first time it feels nice.

Thank you everyone for listening and giving your loving thoughts, prayers, and kind words. Much love!

Thank god. She’s safe and I hope the best for her and you!

[kvinna20]

My situation is not exactly the same but I can relate to having an out of control teen. When the court got involved it was such a relief, because they were able to do more for her (residential treatment) than I had in nearly a year of trying everything in my power. Prior to that she had been in intense therapy (including day treatment) but residential treatment was really what she needed.

Residential treatment helped her tremendously and allowed us to heal our relationship. When she left treatment things quickly got bad again. I have reconciled myself to the fact that she will probably always require therapy and I will not always be able to convince her to get it. But we are in a better place than we used to be and I will always be grateful that the courts stepped in.

This could be exactly what your daughter needs. It’s so unbelievably hard and I hope too that this gives you some breathing room. ❤️

[Cutepixie]

UPDATE:

Hello all I wanted to give an update. What a freaking year. My daughter has been in and out of juvie. She was finally going to be sent away to a program in Utah where they deal with attachment, self-esteem, it's all girls. It sounded lovely. COVID hit and the funny thing is THEY LET HER OUT! They put her on an ankle monitor and let her out 2 and half to 3 months ago. Although I went back to work 2 weeks after everything, she has shifted. I think the thought of actually going away and being faced with being gone for a year in a program startled her. She just finds it hard to care, and on one end I understand as I was there once. So here we are. She has had the ankle monitor off for a few weeks and has still been home. She has not ran away. She is still on probation which has been weird meetings on zoom. She has told me where she is going when she leaves and comes home at an appropriate time. I am eternally grateful for the shift and just wanted to give all of you an update. Our relationship has grown. She's still an adolescent so of course I get the occasional attitude. With everything going on in our world right now I'm glad that we can come together as a family right now.

Sending thoughts of love and hope to all of you and your families as well.

[sidewalker]

Im very glad to hear this. Sad that it took that level but glad to hear things are better for you both.

[dtmom2013]

That's wonderful news! I have dealt with this. It's a long hard journey. Take care and hugs to you!