Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > U.S. REGIONAL FORUMS > WASHINGTON > Washington Member Introductions & Chit Chat
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Washington Member Introductions & Chit Chat Please post your introduction here if you are involved with the Washington prison system and feel free to chat with others about whatever topic you like.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-12-2011, 07:52 PM
hirsle hirsle is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Yakima
Posts: 11
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default Hi, could use advice/support

My name is Heidi. I met my husband 3 years ago just before he headed off to prison. We had a great relationship and had so many plans for our future together. He got out of prison in July 2009, we had 3 amazing months together after he got out before things started to go wrong. We stuck together through so much and we got even got married last May. Eleven days later, he was in jail on new charges, then he picked up 3 more since then. He went back to his old ways, started doing meth again. Started getting paranoid and accusing me of being unfaithful. I have never cheated on him. I've stuck by his side despite all the things he's been doing that have now taken all we wanted for the future. I've tried to show him that he can do better, that he deserves better. Tried to be everything he needed to be. We found out in Sept last year that I'm pregnant, I'm due in May. In late December, got sentanced for his charges and will be going back for 29 months. Since his sentencing, he's basically bounced between wanting me in his life and telling me he can't do this time with me. He loves me one minute, then is mad the next. Then, Friday, he told me it was over, he never wants to see me again Not to write or visit, that I'm a liar and a cheater. Now, I know from things other people have told me, that the jail has been flooded with drugs, they've found a way to get them in there. So, I'm assuming he's gotten some, that he's high again. How do I take him telling me it's over? How do I get through this? What is the best thing for me to do? Should I let him go? I hate to do that because that's what every other person has done that he's had any feelings for. I don't want him to think I don't care, that I don't love him, that he isn't important to me. I don't want to let him down. At the same time, I don't know how or what to do. He's a different person than I got to know and love and I know its the drugs. Do I ignore him if he calls? Do I not write so he know's I still care? Please, if anyone has an idea of why he's doing this or how to handle this in the best way for our marriage to work, let me know. Help!!
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 03-12-2011, 09:08 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 22,257
Thanks: 4,001
Thanked 25,316 Times in 9,266 Posts
Default

Aw, darlin', youa re dealing with an addict, and that means a life full of chaos. His primary goal is to stay addicted, and that comes before you or your child or anything else. So what do you do? You build a life for yourself, and if that means more education, more training, whatever, then do it.

As to him, all you can do is tell him that you will write him occasionally, but you will wait until he's been out and clean for a year before you will even consider a relationship or family status with him. You have to protect yourself from the reality that it takes 8-10 tries before an addict gets clean, usually. That means he's likely not done with his addiction, and to allow him to bring that to your child is so awful that you don't ever want to go there (I speak from experience, sadly).
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.

Last edited by nimuay; 03-12-2011 at 09:10 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
codasgirl04 (04-01-2011), GingerM (11-23-2016), JustBeingMe67 (11-23-2016), nevaeh2morrow (03-12-2011), Sarianna (11-24-2016), Scott (03-19-2011)
  #3  
Old 03-19-2011, 06:39 PM
Scott's Avatar
Scott Scott is offline
Lifecoach
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,342
Thanks: 3,003
Thanked 2,730 Times in 1,160 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hirsle View Post
I've stuck by his side despite all the things he's been doing that have now taken all we wanted for the future. I've tried to show him that he can do better, that he deserves better. Tried to be everything he needed to be. We found out in Sept last year that I'm pregnant, I'm due in May. In late December, got sentanced for his charges and will be going back for 29 months. Since his sentencing, he's basically bounced between wanting me in his life and telling me he can't do this time with me. He loves me one minute, then is mad the next. Then, Friday, he told me it was over, he never wants to see me again ...How do I get through this? What is the best thing for me to do? Should I let him go? I hate to do that because that's what every other person has done that he's had any feelings for. I don't want him to think I don't care, that I don't love him, that he isn't important to me. I don't want to let him down. At the same time, I don't know how or what to do. He's a different person than I got to know and love and I know its the drugs. Do I ignore him if he calls? Do I not write so he know's I still care? Please, if anyone has an idea of why he's doing this or how to handle this in the best way for our marriage to work, let me know. Help!!
Nimuay put it beautifully in the previous post. You have no marriage, or anything else, because he is an active addict and the drugs (meth is especially insidious) will always come first. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be in a relationship with an addict.

Also, while "I've stuck by his side through..." sounds noble, the reality is that it is a bit co-dependent. Everyone, in every relationship, has to have consequences - and those consequences have to to be swift and direct. One of the consequences for being an addict, and putting one's family second, is that one's family quickly reaches the point where they say "No more", or "enough!" and that's it.

Each person makes their choices - recovery is always an option, always a choice. The push towards recovery can sometimes be the love of one's children (we see this often with addicted women) and reconnecting with them can be a powerful motivation for change. But the most important motivation for change has to come from within the addict, and that only can happen when they reach rock bottom - with no one else to turn to to run their crap on.

Your first responsibility is to your child, second to yourself. Take care of you both and recognize that YOU can do better, and that YOU deserve better. That's the first step of healing. Either he will change or he won't - it's out of your hands. There's nothing you can do, and no one you can be, to fix him. Please keep this as an affirmation...it's really, really true.
__________________
Trying God's Patience since 1955
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Scott For This Useful Post:
SallyMenke (04-02-2011), Sarianna (11-24-2016)
  #4  
Old 04-01-2011, 06:21 PM
MissingChris~'s Avatar
MissingChris~ MissingChris~ is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: washington,USA
Posts: 473
Thanks: 5
Thanked 260 Times in 151 Posts
Default

Hirsle,

First of all I am so sorry for your strugles. I hope things are turning around for you. I also wanted to let you know that I have been in a 5 year relationship with a meth addict and I know how hurtful it can be. In our first year there were no drugs, i was pregnant with our son and @ eight months he started using. It was hell. IN and out of jail and hot and cold with emotion. When our son was 2 months old he was forced into VOA mens residential inpaietent treatment. At first he half heartly took it serious and ended up being there 7 months. nine months later he relapsed and willingly put himself back in treatment for a month only. He has been clean for three 1/2 years from meth but recently started drinking once his dad died. he kept getting in trouble when he would drink and This is why he is in prison again. it took so much struggle for him to realize once again he has a problem. The point of this story is I was like you and willing to be his rock. i put up with more than any women should have to and through all the pain i told him i wouldnt give up on him. it is possible to love an addict but at what expence? An addit will only get help when they really want it. and yes it does take more than one try for most. Dont let this drag you and your kids down. Sometimes we have to love from a distance. Never blame yourself and try not to think about it selfishly. this is a disease and unfortunelty the deadliest of them. You are strong for endearing so much all-ready. there is support groups i went to for six months. Pm anytime. Good luck, your not alone.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-01-2011, 10:23 PM
codasgirl04 codasgirl04 is offline
just a baby mamma
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Southwest Washington
Posts: 2,472
Thanks: 1,782
Thanked 1,131 Times in 627 Posts
Default

Nimuay could not have said it better!

Girl please read my posts....

I have a baby girl with a man who just bail jumped thats what meth does to a person! You need to ask yourself why HE deserves you!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-23-2016, 12:51 PM
Starlyn77 Starlyn77 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

I realize this post is rather old and lots has probably changed but I've never known anything to work out for the good whenever meth is involved. did prison straighten him up and are things any better? did he recover from his addiction? what about your child? I hope things are on a much better path if he is out of prison now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hirsle View Post
My name is Heidi. I met my husband 3 years ago just before he headed off to prison. We had a great relationship and had so many plans for our future together. He got out of prison in July 2009, we had 3 amazing months together after he got out before things started to go wrong. We stuck together through so much and we got even got married last May. Eleven days later, he was in jail on new charges, then he picked up 3 more since then. He went back to his old ways, started doing meth again. Started getting paranoid and accusing me of being unfaithful. I have never cheated on him. I've stuck by his side despite all the things he's been doing that have now taken all we wanted for the future. I've tried to show him that he can do better, that he deserves better. Tried to be everything he needed to be. We found out in Sept last year that I'm pregnant, I'm due in May. In late December, got sentanced for his charges and will be going back for 29 months. Since his sentencing, he's basically bounced between wanting me in his life and telling me he can't do this time with me. He loves me one minute, then is mad the next. Then, Friday, he told me it was over, he never wants to see me again Not to write or visit, that I'm a liar and a cheater. Now, I know from things other people have told me, that the jail has been flooded with drugs, they've found a way to get them in there. So, I'm assuming he's gotten some, that he's high again. How do I take him telling me it's over? How do I get through this? What is the best thing for me to do? Should I let him go? I hate to do that because that's what every other person has done that he's had any feelings for. I don't want him to think I don't care, that I don't love him, that he isn't important to me. I don't want to let him down. At the same time, I don't know how or what to do. He's a different person than I got to know and love and I know its the drugs. Do I ignore him if he calls? Do I not write so he know's I still care? Please, if anyone has an idea of why he's doing this or how to handle this in the best way for our marriage to work, let me know. Help!!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-23-2016, 01:37 PM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 423
Thanks: 317
Thanked 282 Times in 169 Posts
Default

It's late for the OP but I've seen a resource to help people like her make decisions.

Wes Denham's book "Arrested" is about what to do, practically, when the criminal system catches your loved one in its gears.

There's one checklist after another, and one of them is a list of questions to ask yourself to decide how much to invest and risk on the loved one's behalf.

It's got questions like whether he lies to you, whether he's making detailed and real plans for release, and so on and so on. See pages 41 and 42 in particular.

There's no "If you scored between 15 and 18 points" to it. Denham promises that if you work through all the questions, by the end of it you'll know what to do.

He's speaking from experience but he has less experience than a lot of people here. What do the people here think of his ideas?

Big chunks of the book are on books.google.com.

Last edited by Minor activist; 11-23-2016 at 01:44 PM.. Reason: Added page number information.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-23-2016, 04:14 PM
JustBeingMe67's Avatar
JustBeingMe67 JustBeingMe67 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5,000
Thanks: 599
Thanked 1,173 Times in 597 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hirsle View Post
My name is Heidi. I met my husband 3 years ago just before he headed off to prison. We had a great relationship and had so many plans for our future together. He got out of prison in July 2009, we had 3 amazing months together after he got out before things started to go wrong. We stuck together through so much and we got even got married last May. Eleven days later, he was in jail on new charges, then he picked up 3 more since then. He went back to his old ways, started doing meth again. Started getting paranoid and accusing me of being unfaithful. I have never cheated on him. I've stuck by his side despite all the things he's been doing that have now taken all we wanted for the future. I've tried to show him that he can do better, that he deserves better. Tried to be everything he needed to be. We found out in Sept last year that I'm pregnant, I'm due in May. In late December, got sentanced for his charges and will be going back for 29 months. Since his sentencing, he's basically bounced between wanting me in his life and telling me he can't do this time with me. He loves me one minute, then is mad the next. Then, Friday, he told me it was over, he never wants to see me again Not to write or visit, that I'm a liar and a cheater. Now, I know from things other people have told me, that the jail has been flooded with drugs, they've found a way to get them in there. So, I'm assuming he's gotten some, that he's high again. How do I take him telling me it's over? How do I get through this? What is the best thing for me to do? Should I let him go? I hate to do that because that's what every other person has done that he's had any feelings for. I don't want him to think I don't care, that I don't love him, that he isn't important to me. I don't want to let him down. At the same time, I don't know how or what to do. He's a different person than I got to know and love and I know its the drugs. Do I ignore him if he calls? Do I not write so he know's I still care? Please, if anyone has an idea of why he's doing this or how to handle this in the best way for our marriage to work, let me know. Help!!
Write him a letter telling him you will not support him destructing his life and dragging you down with him. When his time is up and he gets out and proves he can stay clean, then if you feel like giving him your time and energy, go for it. Loving an addict is a VERY difficult road and one you need to be prepared for by getting yourself into your own recovery program AND most importantly, you need to take care of the baby you have on the way, whether he is in the picture or not.

A Lot of inmates go through a host of emotions after sentencing, and especially when they are trying to come of drugs. I am sure he feels like shit about himself, which he should. Let him sit where he is and you do what is best for you and YOUR future.
__________________
Be Real, Be You
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to JustBeingMe67 For This Useful Post:
Scott (11-23-2016)
  #9  
Old 11-23-2016, 04:17 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 10,573
Thanks: 3,542
Thanked 17,530 Times in 6,454 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlyn77 View Post
I realize this post is rather old and lots has probably changed but I've never known anything to work out for the good whenever meth is involved. did prison straighten him up and are things any better? did he recover from his addiction? what about your child? I hope things are on a much better path if he is out of prison now.
I've known a few. They send me letters every year, showing me their kids, letting me know what they are doing with their lives.

Many have died, or are in prison for what's probably the rest of their lives, but some are out, living good lives, sober.

Most significant others would benefit from going to Al-Anon or the narcotics equivalent.

Here's hoping the OP is settled, her child is on track and loved and loving school, and that her husband is sober, whether he's with her or not.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
GingerM (11-23-2016), Minor activist (11-23-2016), patchouli (11-23-2016), Sarianna (11-24-2016), Scott (11-23-2016)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:27 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2013 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics