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  #1  
Old 12-14-2017, 07:45 AM
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Default My father was just taken into custody today.

My father was just taken into custody today. He was on bail for 6-7 months and his bail was removed. He has been moved to yatala prison. When I first found out the news I started crying uncontrollably and hyperventilating in the court room. I just lost it. I'm shocked and feel like im all over the place. I don't know what to do or how to feel and none of my friends understand what I'm going through. They're trying to be there for me but are just making things worse. I was hoping to maybe chat to a few people on here that have been through similiar situations and understand the emotional distress I am under.
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Old 12-14-2017, 09:37 AM
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Everyone here understands....i couldn't even see my husband get sentenced. Always here if you need to chat.
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Old 12-14-2017, 09:40 AM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm sorry for what you and your Father are facing. The beginning is always the most difficult time for everyone.

Be sure to check the AU/NZ prison forums to meet others who are also dealing with your prison system.
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Old 12-14-2017, 01:24 PM
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Sorry to hear you are going through this. There are many people here who have been through or are going through similar things.
You will get through this and the site is a huge source of support.
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Old 12-14-2017, 04:49 PM
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Everyone here understands....i couldn't even see my husband get sentenced. Always here if you need to chat.
Thank you so much. It means a lot. ☺
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Old 12-14-2017, 05:00 PM
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Sorry to hear you are going through this. There are many people here who have been through or are going through similar things.
You will get through this and the site is a huge source of support.
It does seem like everyone on here is really supportive. I'm really glad that I found this website because It's been difficult because my friends don't really understand what I'm going through. They try be there for me but it just makes things worse. I still can't really believe that he's gone.. I'm more concerned about his mental state. He won't be able to contact us because we didn't know we wouldn't be able to talk to him again. So he doesn't have our phone numbers and the lady we called said we cant visit him until the 23rd.
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Old 12-15-2017, 06:53 AM
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Oh boy, yes, do I understand. I knew my Dad was going to be arrested a month and a half before his actual arrest. I knew his bail was going to be high enough that he wouldn't be able to afford it. I knew he was going to go to jail and then to prison. The only thing I didn't know was how long he'd be in prison.

For, oh, 8 months or so, I was a complete wreck. I handed my job duties at work to other people because I couldn't think. I became dangerously sleep deprived. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. My blood pressure skyrocketed. My eyes were always puffy from crying. I remember spending a lot of time curled into a fetal position or rocking myself. It was... horrific.

We're here for you. We understand. We've made it through. A "new normal" eventually appeared out of the ashes. Things will not always be like this for you. This is NOT what the rest of your life is going to feel like. But it is quite possibly the most emotionally traumatic thing you will ever experience and right now, at the stage of the process you're in? It's going to be horrible and at times you're going to feel like you're losing your mind. You are NOT losing your mind. Just so you know.

Take a deep breath, then remember to breathe. Keep on breathing, the rest will sort itself out. And talk to us. Talk and talk and talk and listen. We'll be here telling you that you can and will survive this. We all have. It is not entirely hopeless, though it probably feels like that right now.

Please let us know how you're doing today.
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Old 12-15-2017, 04:28 PM
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Oh boy, yes, do I understand. I knew my Dad was going to be arrested a month and a half before his actual arrest. I knew his bail was going to be high enough that he wouldn't be able to afford it. I knew he was going to go to jail and then to prison. The only thing I didn't know was how long he'd be in prison.

For, oh, 8 months or so, I was a complete wreck. I handed my job duties at work to other people because I couldn't think. I became dangerously sleep deprived. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. My blood pressure skyrocketed. My eyes were always puffy from crying. I remember spending a lot of time curled into a fetal position or rocking myself. It was... horrific.

We're here for you. We understand. We've made it through. A "new normal" eventually appeared out of the ashes. Things will not always be like this for you. This is NOT what the rest of your life is going to feel like. But it is quite possibly the most emotionally traumatic thing you will ever experience and right now, at the stage of the process you're in? It's going to be horrible and at times you're going to feel like you're losing your mind. You are NOT losing your mind. Just so you know.

Take a deep breath, then remember to breathe. Keep on breathing, the rest will sort itself out. And talk to us. Talk and talk and talk and listen. We'll be here telling you that you can and will survive this. We all have. It is not entirely hopeless, though it probably feels like that right now.

Please let us know how you're doing today.
I didn't know unfortunately :/ He kept on telling me that the court was going to get postponed like it did several times before. None of think my dad is guilty and because my dad himself doesn't think he's guilty he didn't think it was going to actually happen. That's why we didn't get a chance to give him a phone number or even a hug before we went to court because we thought it wasn't going to be the last time we got to saw him. He didn't even tell anyone he was going to jail... And he wants us to lie and say that he's gone on a holiday. There's just so much to do and I'm only 19.. how am I supposed to do all of it? Like his barrister were shocking. When I saw him in there he was stumbling and had no idea what he was talking about. He was unprepared and was babbling random shit and in the court asked that the bail stay because the lawyer had other commitments.. like are you fucking kidding me? It's someone life you're dealing with.. I could've done a better job myself. So now we need to rent his house out to get money to pay a new lawyer to take on his case and get him out of there.. tell everyone his lie, try and figure out how you even rent a house out and break the news to his parents all while studying full time at uni. I feel so selfish being out here when he's in there. Whenever I eat something that is delicious or fancy, or eat cakes or go to the beach. Whenever I do anything it makes me feel guilty because I know he can't do it. Leaving the shops to go to the supermarket yesterday made me feel selfish. And I'm not really holding up that great. I've been having pretty bad nightmares, the week before court up until now but they seem to be getting worse. This morning I woke up to someone screaming into my ear. No one else was home.. I woke up and was hyperventilating. and I've been stress eating and just been so angry. If I'm not angry, then I'm emotional. Like I started crying in mitre 10 yesterday because the only time I've been there is with my dad.. and I started crying while eating his Twisties that he had in his pantry. And then I got so angry that I started pinching myself really hard. It's the two extremes.. my sister's having a birthday party in the next few days. A few of her friends know about the dad thing but I'm forcing myself to go because I know she's going to start crying at some point, even though the last thing I want is to be around people. I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call Dad again.. I'm so annoyed with all the things I took for granted.
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Old 12-15-2017, 05:55 PM
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The most important thing that you can do is to take care of yourself so you can continue to support your Dad. Bad lawyers and negative court orders do happen, but it is not going to be made right overnight. What you have written is a very common response to the uncertainty you are suddenly facing. I bet you are clinically depressed, which can be helped through medications and/or talking it out with a counselor or religious leader, but you have to reach out for assistance.

Once his case progresses, you will both have a much better idea of what he is facing. The immediacy of his situation will be reduced over time, and there will still be ways for you to help him fight his charges when he is released on bail, or even if he isn't.
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Old 12-15-2017, 07:27 PM
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The most important thing that you can do is to take care of yourself so you can continue to support your Dad. Bad lawyers and negative court orders do happen, but it is not going to be made right overnight. What you have written is a very common response to the uncertainty you are suddenly facing. I bet you are clinically depressed, which can be helped through medications and/or talking it out with a counselor or religious leader, but you have to reach out for assistance.

Once his case progresses, you will both have a much better idea of what he is facing. The immediacy of his situation will be reduced over time, and there will still be ways for you to help him fight his charges when he is released on bail, or even if he isn't.
I went to the doctors a week prior to the court case and the psychologist is supposed to contact me but they haven't. I'm still just waiting on that. Thank you for your support. I'll try and focus on myself more. It's just difficult.. I've also got a schizophrenic mother that I need to take care of. The stress of this is also taking a burden on her and she isn't coping well.. but thank you for your support
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Old 12-16-2017, 11:57 AM
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You and your sister need to get together to at least start to plan about your mom and dad. Yeah, I know it seems impossible, but you need to support each other, find what joy you can, and maybe get a lawyer who can help you through the ins and outs of what's to come and what legal papers need to be in order.

This is a terrible time, really awful, but you don't need to do it alone. We're here, you have family, you can get through!
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Old 12-17-2017, 07:59 AM
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he didn't think it was going to actually happen.
Same thing happened with my Dad. He didn't think it would happen. He kept talking about how he was going to take my mom out for Mexican food "when this is over and they let me out." He also didn't think he was guilty, he blamed the victim. I had the dubious "luck" to know the victim well and know that there was no way he'd be lying about it, but other family members who didn't know the victim as well? Yeah, they didn't/couldn't believe it. Eventually my Dad admitted that he was guilty of the crimes he committed, though he continued to minimize his actions.

And since this blindsided you, you would have believed your Dad. It's natural. We believe those we trust.

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he wants us to lie and say that he's gone on a holiday
The holiday story isn't going to work. People don't take years-long holidays. I used to tell people "He's moved south" or "He no longer lives with my mom, it's an ugly story" but I never told them he was on holiday, because that's too hard a lie to maintain. IF you're going to make up a lie, make sure it has truth in it. My Dad did move south - not of his own will, but he did move south. He wasn't living with my mom anymore and it was an ugly story. When you tell people that, they tend to stop prying.

Then again, some people already knew because my Dad's story hit all the local press - newspapers, all the television stations, etc. So I really couldn't lie. Not with that out there. Even though my Dad's been dead 3 years, a google search of his name still fills the first page with his arrest.

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There's just so much to do and I'm only 19.. how am I supposed to do all of it?
The short answer is "one thing at a time, one foot in front of the other". You sound like a mature 19-year old. This means you've already got an idea of what needs to be done. That actually puts you ahead of a lot of others (no matter their age). Figure out the first thing you need to do (rent his house out?), then start the process. I found that I was so upset, I had to make a list, and the list had to be broken down into tiny little details because I couldn't think very well at all.

My list for renting the house would have looked like this:
1. find attorney who can make up a Power of Attorney (tell attorney truth, attorney has to keep it quiet) for me, and point me in the direction of a reasonable rental contract.
2. Clean out house for renters
3. Place ad and answer inquiries
4. Respond to inquiries
5. Check backgrounds on possible renters
6. Sign contract with them

I literally had to break everything down into step by step instructions. The list above? That may have taken me a week to put together because I just couldn't process information.

You will need to have Power of Attorney for him, he will be unable to manage his own affairs. You'll need to get the PoA on file with the bank and the mortgage company (assuming he has one) and his credit card (keep it, you'll need it for him) and property tax people (assuming you have to pay property taxes). You're right, there are a lot of things that need to be done. The key is that they don't all have to be done at the same time. Usually there will be one big thing that needs to be done right now, and the rest can wait until later. Focus on what needs to be done now, and let the rest of the things on the list wait. Otherwise it will completely overwhelm you.

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break the news to his parents all while studying full time at uni
My Dad's victim was in Uni at the time of Dad's arrest. Victim took a term off to get his head on straight, but attended a local college taking only one class to continue to stay active. He ended up taking summer courses to finish out his degree on time.

If there is any way you can drop your class load down to only 1 class, or if you can temporarily withdraw, I suggest you do it. You are not in a frame of mind that will allow you to be successful in school. Better to skip a term and make it up later than to fail all your courses and have it appear on your transcripts and still have to re-take the courses.

Go to your academic advisor and tell him/her the truth. Tell them why you want to withdraw and how long you have before they won't let you re-enroll (most Uni's have a policy that allows for one or two terms absence without having to re-apply for exactly these kinds of things - family emergencies. This definitely qualifies as a family emergency.)

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I feel so selfish being out here when he's in there.
I felt this way too. It's a function of feeling like you're somehow to blame for what happened. And that is not true. Assuming he's guilty of the crime(s) he was convicted of, he did those crimes, not you. He probably knew that they were illegal, he probably knew that things would be horrible if he ever got caught, and yet he did them anyway. You are outside with your freedom because you have not done anything to end up in jail/prison. You are not responsible for him being inside.

And yet I felt like that for about a year or so.

Quote:
I've been having pretty bad nightmares

I've been stress eating and just been so angry

If I'm not angry, then I'm emotional.
This is quite possibly the most emotionally horrific thing you will ever have to deal with.

It takes a while for something of this magnitude to settle out in your mind and psyche. Allow yourself that time. The folks on this board kept repeating that to me - that eventually a "new normal" would settle in and I wouldn't feel so bleedin' insane. They were right. I kept repeating that to myself when I felt like I was losing it.

I also literally gave myself permission to be a basket case. I would say "It's going to get better, it won't be like this forever, but right now, I need to go have a nice mental breakdown. When I'm done with my mental breakdown, I'll go back and see what I can do." That is not a joke.

Quote:
I'm so annoyed with all the things I took for granted.
You are grieving. Just as if he had died. When someone you love gets snatched away from you, by death or the legal system, you grieve. And you will go through all the stages of grieving, including, initially, confusion, inability to keep a train of thought, intrusive thoughts and... anger transference. I lost my Dad to prison. While he was in prison, he died of cancer. The first thing that went through my head? "Oh sure Dad! Go and die on me just when gas prices dropped and I could visit more often!" Seriously. It sounds insane, doesn't it? That's what grieving does - it makes us temporarily insane. Do not blame yourself for those missed moments - a relationship goes both ways, and he probably took you for granted too. That's normal. We think someone's going to be around forever, we think that we have all the time in the world - until the world implodes on us.

I'm very glad to hear that you have a call in to a psychiatrist. Hopefully, they'll be able to help you. I saw someone for 4 years after my Dad's arrest (including after he died). There is no shame in that.

I feel for you having to deal with your mom at this point. My mom had dementia when my Dad was arrested. She is still alive, and I am still taking care of her and she hasn't gotten any better since then. I didn't know how on earth I was going to handle everything either. And I was in my mid-40's. You WILL make it through this.

The goal is to make it through emotionally intact and healthy. Give yourself permission to have a breakdown now and then. This is not business as normal. Then tell yourself that you need to continue to live, because both your Dad and your Mom are going to need you. It's not easy. It's not graceful. It's not simple. And you have to do it all while grieving the loss of your Dad as you knew him, the loss of your Dad as a free person whom you can call any time you want, the loss of your life as you knew it.

I promise you that the dust will settle. You will develop a new normal and you will be able to function again without all the emotional turmoil. But it won't be fast. Just as people eventually recover from the death of a loved one, you will also recover from his incarceration. But right now? Right now things are horrible. The mood swings and general feeling crazy that you describe? That IS normal for this situation. If you were feeling calm, cool and collected, I would be very, very worried for you.

In an odd juxtaposition, feeling crazy right now means you are emotionally healthy. You should feel crazy. This is a crazy thing that's happening in your life. In an insane world, the only sane response is insanity.

Come here, talk to us, see the psychiatrist as soon as you can, see about withdrawing from Uni for a term or two.

I promise you will eventually come out the other side of this. I promise that you're not permanently losing your mind. Remember to breathe - inhale, exhale, as long as you keep doing that, the rest will work itself out.
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Old 12-18-2017, 07:46 AM
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You and your sister need to get together to at least start to plan about your mom and dad. Yeah, I know it seems impossible, but you need to support each other, find what joy you can, and maybe get a lawyer who can help you through the ins and outs of what's to come and what legal papers need to be in order.

This is a terrible time, really awful, but you don't need to do it alone. We're here, you have family, you can get through!
I'm trying to do that but the way my sister copes is she goes out with her friends until ridiculous hours.. I made a booking to go and see dad on Saturday which is exciting.. but also terrifying. My friend was telling me about all the things they do like finger prints, swabbing our mouth, scanning our eyes.. I'm truly terrified.. and then the thought that my dad has had to go through that and more makes me deeply saddened

Thank you for your support.
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Old 12-18-2017, 08:13 AM
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Same thing happened with my Dad. He didn't think it would happen. He kept talking about how he was going to take my mom out for Mexican food "when this is over and they let me out." He also didn't think he was guilty, he blamed the victim. I had the dubious "luck" to know the victim well and know that there was no way he'd be lying about it, but other family members who didn't know the victim as well? Yeah, they didn't/couldn't believe it. Eventually my Dad admitted that he was guilty of the crimes he committed, though he continued to minimize his actions.


And since this blindsided you, you would have believed your Dad. It's natural. We believe those we trust.



The holiday story isn't going to work. People don't take years-long holidays. I used to tell people "He's moved south" or "He no longer lives with my mom, it's an ugly story" but I never told them he was on holiday, because that's too hard a lie to maintain. IF you're going to make up a lie, make sure it has truth in it. My Dad did move south - not of his own will, but he did move south. He wasn't living with my mom anymore and it was an ugly story. When you tell people that, they tend to stop prying.

Then again, some people already knew because my Dad's story hit all the local press - newspapers, all the television stations, etc. So I really couldn't lie. Not with that out there. Even though my Dad's been dead 3 years, a google search of his name still fills the first page with his arrest.




The short answer is "one thing at a time, one foot in front of the other". You sound like a mature 19-year old. This means you've already got an idea of what needs to be done. That actually puts you ahead of a lot of others (no matter their age). Figure out the first thing you need to do (rent his house out?), then start the process. I found that I was so upset, I had to make a list, and the list had to be broken down into tiny little details because I couldn't think very well at all.

My list for renting the house would have looked like this:
1. find attorney who can make up a Power of Attorney (tell attorney truth, attorney has to keep it quiet) for me, and point me in the direction of a reasonable rental contract.
2. Clean out house for renters
3. Place ad and answer inquiries
4. Respond to inquiries
5. Check backgrounds on possible renters
6. Sign contract with them

I literally had to break everything down into step by step instructions. The list above? That may have taken me a week to put together because I just couldn't process information.

You will need to have Power of Attorney for him, he will be unable to manage his own affairs. You'll need to get the PoA on file with the bank and the mortgage company (assuming he has one) and his credit card (keep it, you'll need it for him) and property tax people (assuming you have to pay property taxes). You're right, there are a lot of things that need to be done. The key is that they don't all have to be done at the same time. Usually there will be one big thing that needs to be done right now, and the rest can wait until later. Focus on what needs to be done now, and let the rest of the things on the list wait. Otherwise it will completely overwhelm you.



My Dad's victim was in Uni at the time of Dad's arrest. Victim took a term off to get his head on straight, but attended a local college taking only one class to continue to stay active. He ended up taking summer courses to finish out his degree on time.

If there is any way you can drop your class load down to only 1 class, or if you can temporarily withdraw, I suggest you do it. You are not in a frame of mind that will allow you to be successful in school. Better to skip a term and make it up later than to fail all your courses and have it appear on your transcripts and still have to re-take the courses.

Go to your academic advisor and tell him/her the truth. Tell them why you want to withdraw and how long you have before they won't let you re-enroll (most Uni's have a policy that allows for one or two terms absence without having to re-apply for exactly these kinds of things - family emergencies. This definitely qualifies as a family emergency.)



I felt this way too. It's a function of feeling like you're somehow to blame for what happened. And that is not true. Assuming he's guilty of the crime(s) he was convicted of, he did those crimes, not you. He probably knew that they were illegal, he probably knew that things would be horrible if he ever got caught, and yet he did them anyway. You are outside with your freedom because you have not done anything to end up in jail/prison. You are not responsible for him being inside.

And yet I felt like that for about a year or so.



This is quite possibly the most emotionally horrific thing you will ever have to deal with.

It takes a while for something of this magnitude to settle out in your mind and psyche. Allow yourself that time. The folks on this board kept repeating that to me - that eventually a "new normal" would settle in and I wouldn't feel so bleedin' insane. They were right. I kept repeating that to myself when I felt like I was losing it.

I also literally gave myself permission to be a basket case. I would say "It's going to get better, it won't be like this forever, but right now, I need to go have a nice mental breakdown. When I'm done with my mental breakdown, I'll go back and see what I can do." That is not a joke.



You are grieving. Just as if he had died. When someone you love gets snatched away from you, by death or the legal system, you grieve. And you will go through all the stages of grieving, including, initially, confusion, inability to keep a train of thought, intrusive thoughts and... anger transference. I lost my Dad to prison. While he was in prison, he died of cancer. The first thing that went through my head? "Oh sure Dad! Go and die on me just when gas prices dropped and I could visit more often!" Seriously. It sounds insane, doesn't it? That's what grieving does - it makes us temporarily insane. Do not blame yourself for those missed moments - a relationship goes both ways, and he probably took you for granted too. That's normal. We think someone's going to be around forever, we think that we have all the time in the world - until the world implodes on us.

I'm very glad to hear that you have a call in to a psychiatrist. Hopefully, they'll be able to help you. I saw someone for 4 years after my Dad's arrest (including after he died). There is no shame in that.

I feel for you having to deal with your mom at this point. My mom had dementia when my Dad was arrested. She is still alive, and I am still taking care of her and she hasn't gotten any better since then. I didn't know how on earth I was going to handle everything either. And I was in my mid-40's. You WILL make it through this.

The goal is to make it through emotionally intact and healthy. Give yourself permission to have a breakdown now and then. This is not business as normal. Then tell yourself that you need to continue to live, because both your Dad and your Mom are going to need you. It's not easy. It's not graceful. It's not simple. And you have to do it all while grieving the loss of your Dad as you knew him, the loss of your Dad as a free person whom you can call any time you want, the loss of your life as you knew it.

I promise you that the dust will settle. You will develop a new normal and you will be able to function again without all the emotional turmoil. But it won't be fast. Just as people eventually recover from the death of a loved one, you will also recover from his incarceration. But right now? Right now things are horrible. The mood swings and general feeling crazy that you describe? That IS normal for this situation. If you were feeling calm, cool and collected, I would be very, very worried for you.

In an odd juxtaposition, feeling crazy right now means you are emotionally healthy. You should feel crazy. This is a crazy thing that's happening in your life. In an insane world, the only sane response is insanity.

Come here, talk to us, see the psychiatrist as soon as you can, see about withdrawing from Uni for a term or two.

I promise you will eventually come out the other side of this. I promise that you're not permanently losing your mind. Remember to breathe - inhale, exhale, as long as you keep doing that, the rest will work itself out.
Oh damn.. I'm sorry. It must be a common thing then :/ But I've heard both stories of my dad's case and I was there the night it happened and spoke to the girl. I truly don't think he forced her... It just doesn't make sense. I'm not going to go into details on such a public forum. But if I told you the details you wouldn't believe it. That's why I'm so adamant on getting another lawyer because I truly don't understand how they think he's guilty. No one.. not even my friends understand. Originally we didn't take my dad's side. We took the girls, so we knew her story and the story she told us and the story she told everyone In court was completely different.

I told him the same thing but he's too pride. We've had his friends contacting us and my family have slowly found out because they have relatives that work in the jail so if we lie and they know and we don't know they know, we will look like complete And utter idiots and lose their trust. But everytime I mentioned telling the truth he just got angry. He won't even tell his mum and dad.. so they'll die thinking that he just abandoned them :/

Apparently in Australia we don't put it in the papers like that..

Yeah, I've started doing that. The day after he was taken away I went to his house and started packing his clothes away and cleaning up the house. Its just going to be really difficult dealing with all of this and completing uni full time. I'm considering dropping out and getting a job to also help support my dad.

See.. I don't even know what half of those things are. Like property tax? Or any of the words you mentioned in there.. My life has been pretty shaded and I'm studying a bachelor of education so there's nothing really about real life in there. I'll research them though. Thank you

Like mentioned before, I was considering dropping out. Some tutors at the uni know what happened but they were my teachers. That's because I couldn't handle myself when we were going through courts and I needed to make statements and everything. But if I postpone uni my dad will be so disappointed in me. He's a good person but he always makes me feel like I'm weak. Like on the day of his last court he said "if you can't handle this and need someone to hold your hand, go home.'' and it didn't really come across as a positive thing. He made me feel like I was weak for not being able to deal with it.. When I'm 19.. I shouldnt to have dealt with anything that has happened this year. And I won't really hear the end of it if I postpone it.

I know but me thinking he isn't guilty doesn't help. I think he's an idiot for sleeping with a younger girl but this girl wasn't raped. Someone who like she explained was traumatised and her life was ruined, doesn't go and sleep with my sisters crush not even a week after being "traumatized" by my dad raping her.

I'm sorry about your dad by the way. And I try to let myself grieve but I'm not very good at releasing my emotions. I just turn them into anger and it still allows me to be productive and get through my day.. and honestly I try to keep telling myself that. That one day this will be my normal.. but it annoys me because this isn't really the life I wanted.. how selfish, I know. I'm saying that and my dad's locked away behind bars. But my parents actions this year have led to me nearly losing my mental sanity, house and my life. It annoys me that they're being so ignorant and stupid to the point where I'm having to be the adult and they're being the kids.. I thought I was the one that was supposed to be out there and making mistakes. But all theyve done my entire life is make mistakes. I just want for once to not be the parent.. I'm 19. What kind of life is this :/

Thank you, I keep telling myself that. Hopefully one day I will believe it.

I really want to tell you how much I appreciate you listen to me complain about all of this. It means a lot to know that I'm not crazy thinking what i do and that others have thought the same thing. I am incredibly sorry about your father. And truly grateful for you listening to me talk about my messed up life. Thank you
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Old 12-18-2017, 09:55 AM
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Hon, if you have therapists at the uni, take advantage of that! Before you drop all your courses!!

And, from all of us, (((((gentle hugs)))))

We know the shock and sorrow and anger, and it devastates us for a while. You will come out the other side, but you will be changed. Can't be helped, unfortunately.
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Old 12-18-2017, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Hon, if you have therapists at the uni, take advantage of that! Before you drop all your courses!!

And, from all of us, (((((gentle hugs)))))

We know the shock and sorrow and anger, and it devastates us for a while. You will come out the other side, but you will be changed. Can't be helped, unfortunately.
I was seeing one at uni when it all started but I'm currently on holidays now so I cant go and see her thank you for your support and kind words
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Old 12-19-2017, 08:01 AM
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Quote:
We know the shock and sorrow and anger, and it devastates us for a while. You will come out the other side, but you will be changed. Can't be helped, unfortunately.
Yes, and yes, and yes.

The shock, the sorrow, the anger... I think the anger was the worst part when I was going through it. Anger at my Dad for dumping all this crap on me (and I wasn't 19! I was still furious at having to be the adult!), anger at a system that didn't allow my Dad's victim any recourse without going to the police, so Victim ended up carrying a LOT of guilt about ripping the family apart (Victim is a relative of mine), anger at... everything. Nothing. The world. The system. Myself. Anger with no direction and no true cause. That's part of shock and grieving.

The anger, for me at least, seemed to alternate with emotional numbness. And I constantly felt like I was going insane. You're not, at least not permanently. You are in shock and grieving. That will pass, though it won't be fast. This is NOT the way the rest of your life will feel, I promise.

Your Dad sounds a lot like mine. Mine was angry at everything and took out his anger on the one person he thought it was safe to take his anger out on - me. Yay me. The reason is that, in prison, any show of emotion makes someone a target. So they have to keep all their emotions under control all the time. That means that it comes out in weird ways later and probably directed at you.

If you need a break from Uni (don't drop out, please!) take a break. But if you think you might stand a chance at muddling through, then try it. I know someone who started and finished a Master's degree because it gave her something else to focus on. Me? I couldn't do my job anymore, and counted myself lucky that I worked someplace where they were understanding and gave me "light duty" for about half a year until I got my head back in the game.

Breathe. Breathe again.

I'll try to get back today to answer your reply to me, thank you for the long reply. Right now, unfortunately, I have to get to work.

Hugs and much much support. Have you looked at/read the "Loving a Sex Offender" forum here? You'll find a lot of support there from people who also had to deal with loved ones who were convicted of sex crimes. I credit PTO with saving my sanity. The forum can be found here: http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=101
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:29 PM
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Welcome!! I'm glad you joined this forum. I'm 22 years old, and my father went to jail a little over a year ago. At first I thought that was it, then it escalated to maybe a year prison, to 5 years tops, then he got sentenced to 10 years. He also just received a "shot" for a stupid thing he did and now is getting transported out of state, with no phone or visitation rights possibly. So although I don't exactly know what you're going through, I do somewhat understand. When my dad first got sentenced I lost my mind. Almost lost my job because I was so numb and unproductive, yet when I got home I would just scream and cry and yell and then some. It was frustrating because I would try to talk to my friends but they either felt uncomfortable with me talking about it (they didn't say that but it was fairly obvious) or they just couldn't relate and couldn't process how much pain I was in. My mom didn't want to talk about it because it stressed her out (they've been divorced since I was a baby), and my sister cut him off. I felt like I was on my own to deal with it. I would hyperventilate all the time and I felt like my world was falling out below me. This forum SAVED MY LIFE. There were a couple people on here that I really connected with that helped me through the process. I became addicted to this site for a while because it was he only place I could go to where others could relate. This is the safest and most comforting place ever.

Note that it is okay to go through the motions. It's okay to be mad at him. It's okay to feel like your heart is being ripped out. It's okay to feel bad for him and love him. It's okay to scream and cry and hate him and love him all at the same time.

You will get into a routine with him and find a new "normal". My dad made friends, seemed fairly happy and content, we would talk every Sunday and Wednesday, when he got board he would send me magazine clippings or books that reminded him of me. I got to visit him every couple of months. It all becomes bearable I promise.

Please PM me if you want to. We are around the same age range so maybe we can relate on some aspects. Breathe and you will get through this. We've all been where you are.
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