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  #1  
Old 10-05-2018, 07:42 AM
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Default Talking to my abuser again

I have contacted my Childs father and now Iím having regrets. I sort of feel like Iím recanting because I find myself telling him I love him and want him to be in her life. He has not seen her in the outside world. I was pregnant when he got arrested. We talk almost every day and sometimes he says things like ďI donít know what I would do if you talk to someone else... ima be dead or be in jail rest of my lifeĒ itís scared me and I tell him this like how can I trust you when you say things like this... I donít know why I canít stop talking to him. I felt I was brave and a strong women for leaving and here I am talking to him and writing him in jail and visiting him. He says he will change and he loves me and wants to be in her life. He says he just wanted to scare me and he wonít ever hurt me. I have conversations with him about boundaries and not pulling up to my house. Iím constantly obsessing over victim survivors social media pages and trying to get myself to realize this is another sign. Now having his baby has me so stuck again. Now Iím regretting ever contacting him again. Giving him my address. I feel stupid again and people think Iím so strong for outing my story and finally letting the police take him to jail. I love New York City for taking the case seriously but he willl be out soon and I donít know if he will really change. If he will get help with his anger .. Iím stronger than I was but apart of me just canít let him go again and it hurts. I love him and I donít know why. .



Iím not looking for anyone to bash me . I just canít share this with ANYONE. K
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:26 AM
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Honey, you've got weak spots - we all do - and he can hit yours with deadly accuracy. Have you gotten counseling or do you have a therapist you can talk to? They can help you shore up those weaknesses and protect yourself.

You can go to a domestic abuse agency and ask them to help you get a protective order and therapy as well.

You can write him that you feel extremely uncomfortable with his emotional blackmail and are therefore ending this second round and that there will be no third. After all, him putting you in charge of his well-being is emotional blackmail of a fundamental kind. It's not your job to keep him out of jail (which, if he's abusive, you obviously can't because he will do things to you that will earn him a good long time sitting inside.

Then make sure the protective order is served on him while he's inside, so there's no chance of him being able to avoid service. And if you have to - MOVE! Go to court and get permanent custody of your child and child support, along with a supervised visitation schedule if he actually wants to pay attention to a child.

Lastly, there is no help - no therapy and no drug - that will help him with his anger. NONE!! No-one in the psychiatric community will vouch for any treatment for domestic abusers.
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:27 AM
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I've just had a quick read on your old posts - may I ask you if you've been in therapy during this past year?

In my humble opinion co-dependency can be like addiction; in most cases you are not able to pull yourself away unless you seek help. I am sorry if this is harsh but I don't think an abuser of this level will change. He knows exactly what to say to you in order to manipulate you, but those are just empty words.

Sweetheart, you have a baby to look after now, it's not just you anymore...so I would encourage - no, URGE - you to seek counselling if you're not doing it already.
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:48 AM
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I haven’t been led to the right person and I have tried and still try to find someone . I feel I’m getting sucked back in and feeling ashamed. I spoke to one lady and she made me feel worse just kept asking why I’m talking to him etc and I just don’t feel like it was helping. I need someone who is really certified. Idk I guess I’ll just start making phone calls
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:51 AM
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I have a protective order against him automatically... a no contact order but we continue to talk and see eachother in jail. I keep saying he will change and now I’m somewhat scared. I’m scared he will stalk me and manipulate me and I feel he has already. I don’t know why I can’t let go. I just want to let go completely because I know deep inside he is not going to be there for our daughter how I want him to ( as a comparent) not my boyfriend
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:34 AM
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If their is a no contact order how are you able to see or talk to him when I had one on my kids father in nys they had said no communication at all it comes up when they go to the facility and when he is released parole will put one on him to stay away from you it will be on his stipulations
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:59 AM
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I just walked into visiting and they approved me.. maybe because he never been convicted yet and just still in jail Iím not sure but Iím able to see him and talk to him .
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:00 AM
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Heís in Rikers
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:58 AM
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This man is dangerous and you are addicted to him find a therapist that understands the dynamic. In my state oif you go against a protective order and have your child around him you can lose your child. You are playing with fire and you need to walk away from him. Staying weak and confused is how we stay in these relationships and don’t get help. I have been where you are and it’s like a drug almost the minute you make contact again with an abuser you will start to regret it and slowly die inside until you have a “good enough reason again to leave” you have a good reason to leave already...run!!!
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:48 PM
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The sad thing is that you are on a slippery slope and you know it. Please seek some support from a DV counselor, Work on whatever it is that is keeping you tied to this man.
Low self esteem ,dependency loneliness etc. You can get support with all of those.
Please don't use your child as an excuse to contact him,he is an abuser and you could lose your child. Also do you want your child to see him abusing you, could he abuse your child? And before you say he wouldnt then think that is probably what you thought in those early days about him abusing you.
You are not going to be some co parenting happy family.
Stop trying to please him and start putting you first.

Its tough but you can do this you can get away and meet somone who will treat you with respect and kindness.
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Old 10-05-2018, 05:52 PM
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Please pay close attention to what Maytayah wrote above!!!

Children from abusive homes have every kind of problem. They do less well in school than others, leave school earlier than others, tend to become victims themselves (or abusers), experiment earlier with drugs and sex, and the list just goes on and on. They know they are always living in the shadow of violence, and it stunts their brains and their personalities.

Do you really want that for your child? Really?

If you can't leave him alone now, what are you going to do when he rips the baby out of your arms to beat you, or when he turns around and whops the kid?
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:35 AM
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It’s crazy how I recieved a message from this thread at 3:50am. During the same time I was bawling my eyes out because once again I’m back in the same situation. So much has happened since I wrote this original post and it hurts to look back at what I was saying. Today is his court date. He kept breaking into my house recently. Having sex with people in my apartment. Using my daughter to taunt me ( like picking her up and walking around with her while trying to question me on stupid stuff) he has done so much as to hit me with my phone, punch me in my leg, shove me, break my tv. I am so distraught. I am in a DV shelter because I just needed a break and the day I told myself ti will go to a shelter he came over and taunted me. This morning at 3:50am when I got this message I was bawling crying and blaming myself so much. I took his cell phones he left and threw them outside my window and broke them. I am at a huge anger stage. I have DV sounseling I will be starting. I have had great support so far. I am just a wreck. I can’t beleive I thought we would be coparents. He even was calling me from jail and apologizing. APOLOGIZINV?! saying I make him upset and mad and I do things to him that hurt. Yes I have done stuff but now I’m actually believing that I am a bad person. He made me become someone I’m not. I started pushing him, and doing stupid stuff also. It’s ao much I want to say. I can’t believe he said calling me from jail STILL! He even keep asking me what I have said to the DA and that he will have to cross paths with me soon. I hate him so much guys. I know it was a sign to receive a message last night. I know it was and I thank you all for your responses
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Old 07-15-2019, 08:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rinarina12 View Post
Itís crazy how I recieved a message from this thread at 3:50am. During the same time I was bawling my eyes out because once again Iím back in the same situation. So much has happened since I wrote this original post and it hurts to look back at what I was saying. Today is his court date. He kept breaking into my house recently. Having sex with people in my apartment. Using my daughter to taunt me ( like picking her up and walking around with her while trying to question me on stupid stuff) he has done so much as to hit me with my phone, punch me in my leg, shove me, break my tv. I am so distraught. I am in a DV shelter because I just needed a break and the day I told myself ti will go to a shelter he came over and taunted me. This morning at 3:50am when I got this message I was bawling crying and blaming myself so much. I took his cell phones he left and threw them outside my window and broke them. I am at a huge anger stage. I have DV sounseling I will be starting. I have had great support so far. I am just a wreck. I canít beleive I thought we would be coparents. He even was calling me from jail and apologizing. APOLOGIZINV?! saying I make him upset and mad and I do things to him that hurt. Yes I have done stuff but now Iím actually believing that I am a bad person. He made me become someone Iím not. I started pushing him, and doing stupid stuff also. Itís ao much I want to say. I canít believe he said calling me from jail STILL! He even keep asking me what I have said to the DA and that he will have to cross paths with me soon. I hate him so much guys. I know it was a sign to receive a message last night. I know it was and I thank you all for your responses
This beyond terrible! First and foremost don't you ever think you are a bad person. He's gotten into your head so much that you starting to believe what he's telling you. He's the bad person! Everything he has done makes him the bad person and nothing could ever change that about him. I'll block his number if he's calling you and harassing you about what you said to the DA. I'll go through all the steps to getting a protection order against him. Because he's sending threats that shouldn't be taken lightly at all. If he's able to do all the things he has done to you and y'all daughter. No telling what he's capable of at this point. I wouldn't of picked up any jail calls. You should of ignored him. This is a cycle that has to be broken. He'll do things to hurt you and bring harm to you and want to apologize afterwards. Apologies and excuses that's all he does. I'm glad your starting DV counseling. Get all the help you can receive for you and your daughter. I wouldn't of never bother to co-parent with a man that disrespect/abuse you. Then using y'all daughter to taunt you that is beyond wrong of him to be getting this innocent child involved. That makes her a victim to all that's going on as well. That poor innocent child is going to need some sort of counseling from all the manipulation her dad is doing to her. You and your daughter are in my prayers. Please stay strong and cut all contact with him. Don't be in contact with him anymore. Take all the steps to protect yourself and your daughter from him.
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Old 07-15-2019, 08:31 AM
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Im a little confused.
Is he still in jail currently?
Or does he live with you and that is why you are at a dv shelter?
do you still have a case pending or a new one?
And do you still have a restraining order?


If you do still have an RO....block his calls, and call the police every time he contact you. Make sure your daughter is also included in the RO.
Then have zero contact with him, unless its supervised by someone (and by someone I mean someone with credentials...a therapist etc.....and let him pay for it if needed)
If he's still in jail, let them know he's contacting you and you do not wish the contact. If he writes you return all correspondence, unopened. write REFUSED on the mail.
Take charge of this. Get help from the county, and the dv services in your area. Get them for your daughter as well.
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Old 07-15-2019, 09:17 AM
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So, he just been rearrested because I text someone to call the cops for me. Is there anyway I can post my old threads? I have been posting about him since 3 years ago and itís honestly so sad to realize I been in such a cycle. I have had a no contact order since 2017. He doesnít have rights to my daughter. She is one years old. I was letting him see her when he was in jail and when he was released into a program. It went down hill. He has not changed and he will never change and I need to really realize it. I have counseling. Iím just tired of this cycle. I really think Iím going to call them and tell them heís calling me. Why should I have to change my number for this bastard. Iím hurting so much. Why canít I just get over this?


He has not hurt my daughter. But after this last incicdent of him trying to pretend like heís all good and making her kiss me in my face as he just yelled at me and shoved me. I just found out last night he was having sex in my bed. He does not live with me ! He was breaking into my apartment when I wasnít home and while arguing with me in text heís having sex with someone in my bed. When I got home I realized he was inside my apartment. He is so disgusting. I was crying for hours. He keeps calling me and I want to just curse hi out about what I found out and I feel thatís where the cycle comes in.. me tryi to plea to him anoutbmy feelings and anger. He doesnít care even if he says sorry. Ugh
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Old 07-15-2019, 09:29 AM
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ALso, he is arrested for I believe violating contact order and resisting arrest and breaking in my apartment. I told him ďleave me alone go homeĒ and he wouldnít he kept banging on my door then broke it open and came inside. I knew it was going to get bad so I made someone call the cops. Heís getting so dangerous now. Iím trying not to be paranoid. If you see my old threads you would understand the dynamics. He is horrible. Iím so mad at myself for being in la la land ablutnhim as a father. He never got to see me pregnant or give birth because two years ago he got arrested and was arrested for 2 years. So he missed it all.. a lot of that absence and curiosity is what made me go back to him. I let him around my daughter for her first year and it has been hell for me so I canít imagine if he been around us for more years. I am so hurt
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Old 07-15-2019, 09:29 AM
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Oh hon.
Today, call the jail tell them he's calling and you want it to stop. Call the DA and tell them he's violating the restraining order, trying to find out info about the new *case* against him.

Then take some precautions with your home.
change locks if he has a key, and if he's breaking in try to secure the place. Put sticks in windows that he may be *jimmying* open. Maybe consider telling neighbors to call the cops on him if you are not home and he is creeping around.
Take some action to get him to stop bothering you.
Be proactive with it.
Dont engage with him in any way, shape or form. Let the DA or LE do that for you.
Talk with the dv shelter to find out additional ways to keep him from you and your daughter.
Im sorry this has happened. You know now. Dont beat yourself up over trying. Its NOT you. Its him.
Does not mean you need to feel bad, it means HE should.


If you are able to move, I'd do it. I'd probably also go cold on any social media for a while. You know, friends of friends......
Stick with your family and friends who have your back.
Hopefully others will chime in with other ideas to assist. But lean on the dv shelter for other LEGAL ways to try to keep him from you. And by ALL MEANS, if he manages to get out call the police everytime you see him near you. I dont know what the details say in the restraining order but if he has no reason to be at your place of residence, call each time.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:36 PM
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You can click on your name to view all your posts that you posted on the forum.

Stop trying to plea to him about your feelings and the anger that you have towards him. This the cycle that continues to loop itself. Because you still trying to put sense into this man, on how you feel and the anger behind it. He's been showing you that he doesn't care at all on what you feel or how angry you are about it. Sorry is never enough and that's just another excuse to make you believe that he's sorry. He isn't sorry and he never was sorry! Block his number and don't pick up his calls anymore. This is what he wants you to do to pick up and that's where the cycle has to be broken. Learn to not pick up when he calls you ignore all his phone calls, don't respond to any text messages..whenever he has access to a phone to text you. Block his number and any text messages he send to you report it soon as possible. I know you have so much regret within you. But you can't beat yourself up over this, you have to stop blaming yourself. It was never you and it was all him. You thought he could change and a lot of us that's been in your shoes in some type of way. Thought the same thing but you can't change a person...that person has to want to change themselves. I know you hurt and you have the right to be. But the best way to get pass all of this you going to have to let go of the past. Start healing so you can recover from everything that has happened to you. You can't change the things that happened but you can make changes to your life that can make things better. You learn from all of this and allow what you learn to make you stronger! If he's breaking into your apartment it's either time for you to move and not tell no one where your moving at. Be very selective of who you share that type of information with. If you can't move then get camera's install into your apartment. Put window locks on your windows to prevent him from getting into your windows. Change the locks on your door(s). He only doing all of this to you because he knows it's going to get to you mentally and emotionally. That's considered abuse it doesn't have to be physical only to be label as abuse. I'm sorry this happening to you. Eventually it will go away but you must break the cycle first that's where you start. You get the cycling part you just have to work on breaking it now. He's trying to make your life miserable and that's the way he tries to control you by doing things to continue to hurt you. I don't think he even deserved to see your baby girl at all. I wouldn't of never gave him the opportunity to see her in the first place. He didn't deserve to be around her or to see her. Not how he mistreated you before she came into this world and how he continue to taunt you now.

Like the advice that's given. Call the police let them know when he's calling you or coming around/etc. Show them the text messages when he texts you, when he tries to call you and leave a voice message. Keep everything and save them. This will help you at the end to use against him.
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Old 07-15-2019, 04:00 PM
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Itís so hard to stop the cycle of abuse once it has started, even when you recognize that you need out.

Youíre doing the right thing by seeking counseling. My biggest concern is.....what happens when youíre no longer angry? What happens when he starts sweet talking you again during the next ďhoneymoonĒ phase? You need to not just take the actions you are taking, but be mentally ready to seek immediate help, whether itís posting here to vent, talking to a hotline, or talking to a trusted friend or family member.

Remember......it is ultimately up to you to break this cycle for yourself and for your child. Emotions are a strong thing. Donít forget how he is making you feel right now the next time that he tries to make you feel like it will be all right.

Itís easier said than done.

Good luck to you, I hope the best for both you and your child.

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Old 07-16-2019, 06:17 AM
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All of the above advice is sound.

It looks from here like you're still caught in the cycle. Getting out of DV cycles is not a simple or small task. If you really want it to stop, contacting the DA about the violation of the restraining order will do that. It will be a big step, and probably a scary step, because he has convinced you that you can't live without him (or maybe I'm projecting), that no one else will want you (or maybe that was only my abusers), that without him, you're nothing (or maybe I'm the only one who felt that way), and so making a clean, clear, final break with him will feel scary at best, terrifying at worst.

It's not easy. I hope you find the strength to do it. You didn't cause him to be violent, you can't control his violence (even if you did everything he ever wanted you to), and you can't cure his violence. You can cure YOUR dependence on him though. I hope you manage to do so.

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Old 07-16-2019, 06:47 AM
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Oh, I dont know if it will help but you also might consider taking down info/times/dates that he's violated the restraining order as well. Keep a record of it. And if you called the police/DA or whomever.
If he's calling friends of yours (the ones that have your back) ask them to either let you know, or also keep a log of it. then jot it down.
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Old 07-16-2019, 12:12 PM
3_thehardway 3_thehardway is offline
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File for victim services in your state, they will fund you a new place to live to get away from him as long as you are pressing charges against him. Take care of you and your little one, dont fall for him, its obvious he hasn't ans ISNT gonna change, instead make your life a living hell...Good luck on everything
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  #23  
Old 07-16-2019, 03:13 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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https://growingupnyc.cityofnewyork.u...stice-centers/

If you are in the city, this resource may be of some help.
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Old 07-28-2019, 09:48 PM
Meami1 Meami1 is offline
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The silver lining is that you recognize the cycle and acknowledge that he’s bad for you. It’s like an addiction. Try to imagine yourself outside of the cycle, breaking free from it. I’ve been in a horrible cycle myself and in extreme cases (which in my humble opinion I think this qualifies as) I strongly recommend picking up and starting over some place new if you can. There are agencies and advocates to help with this. You’re strong enough to go through what you’ve been through, so you’re strong enough to change how it ends. You deserve a happy, beautiful, peaceful life for you and your child.
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