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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 04-09-2019, 12:47 PM
Dcj_x Dcj_x is offline
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I am just writing here to vent a little and hopefully get some encouraging words of advice. So me and my husband have been together (on and off) for about 8 years and change now. We have a daughter together as well. We got together young at like 19. When we first started dating everything of course was perfect but than he went to jail for a little over a year, I didn't mind I was young and was there for him faithfully, he swore me the world but came home and was doing good but ended up getting in trouble again. . I was pregnant by this time so I had to help his mom pay for his bail because I wanted him to be present at my daughters birth. however he once again had to do another year and change once again baby and all I held him down faithfully again. He came home and we just went downhill, I caught him cheating multiple times ; we would break up and make up, I guess I kept trying to stay to make my family work. but last year we also had a break up where I ended everything because once again, caught him dealing with someone else. I didn't talk to him for months and than he started coming around again and ended up getting pulled back in like in August but come September he was arrested on multiple charges where he is facing serious time which I wouldn't mind being there for but while we were broken up he had another relationship and got this girl pregnant so now he has a baby with her. I honestly feel bad for him because he believes we are together but I don't think I can continue this way. That other girl does not want to accept the fact he doesn't want to be with her as she has made attempts to try to contact me but i don't care to speak to her but like i told him I can't get involved with that because a baby is involved.

I feel that he is only trying to deal with me now because he is in this situation and he knows I will always be there and not let anything go wrong as I have always been but I'm just tired of all the same things and just want to move on and be happy but a piece of me feels guilty if I let him know that I don't want to be apart of this. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to leave him for dead, I will always help him and what not, I just don't want him to depend on me to much as he is. I do EVERYTHING for him. IDK i guess i'm a little confused or lost. Like I know what I want to do, I just don't know how to do it.
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Old 04-09-2019, 01:34 PM
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I'm hearing about what you've done for him but what has he done for you? Outside of breaking the law, stepping out and having kids, he doesn't sound like he gets the responsibility of a relationship part.

I don't know how to advise you to do it, but you have a child that needs stable examples of adulthood. Clearly, he cannot do that. Whatever his needs are pale in comparison to the needs of your kiddo. He will be clothed, housed and fed. Maybe it's time to be hands-off and let him figure out how to grow up on his own. Focus your energy on building a happy life with you and your little, independent of his drama and his energy suck. He is not your responsibility physically, emotionally or financially.
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Old 04-09-2019, 04:03 PM
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My take, and keep in mind, it's just a take...


In your shoes, I call it a day. I raise my baby. I focus on me. If the other woman wants him so badly, let her hold him down. If he gets his s--- together for her benefit great. If he doesn't, he's her problem.


The reality is that you've given so much of yourself to this man already at this point. How much more, reasonably, can you take?


If you're going to walk....then walk now. Don't wait. Don't give him hope. Whether he deserves sympathy or not is not for me to judge, but the reality is that he's going to have to deal with the charges he's facing. If you're not going to walk that path with him, then break it off sooner rather than later. Don't sit down today, commit to riding it out, and then in 2 months say "whoops, sorry."



I think you owe it to yourself and to your child to do the best for the both of you. If he can get his crap together and play a father role, great for him, great for your child. But by the sounds of it, he has been less than reliable. You standing by him hasn't woken him up. Maybe the other girl could, but my gut says probably not. If he does get it together, great. Revisit that at a later time assuming you haven't moved on to someone/something better than him. But please, don't give up what could be a better path for yourself and your child just because he's hoping you'll "make everything all right."


After all, who's going to make everything all right for you?

Good luck to you, regardless of what you choose.


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Old 04-09-2019, 07:03 PM
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I would walk away for good!!!! Your faithfulness shows how good of a woman you are to him. A woman of your caliber he doesn't deserve YOU! He's the reason behind the break ups. For him to continue to repeat (cheat, get in trouble, run back to you) these same actions over and over again. Shows he hasn't learned anything from them and he keeps repeating them because he knows what the outcome going to be each time. It's time to focus on you and your daughter only! Put you and your daughter happiness first!!! He depends on you because he knows you'll be there for him each time. It comes a time where you must nip it in the bud and let him know your not doing it anymore. He doesn't deserve anything that you do for him. Look how he does you in return. If this not what you want anymore you gotta let him know that a relationship is something you don't see yourself no longer having with him. He needs to know it's no more taking him back again. You can't keep going backwards with your life anymore. It's time to go forward and continue to move forward with your life now. Not being there for him isn't going to make you any less of the good woman you are. If anything it makes you more stronger! Don't allow all this back and forth drain you. Remove yourself from the situation and regain your energy. Your time, effort and energy isn't worthy of giving to him no more.
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Old 04-10-2019, 02:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Dcj_x View Post
I feel that he is only trying to deal with me now because he is in this situation and he knows I will always be there.
This ^^ You know in your heart of hearts that this is exactly it, plain and simple. Get your power & dignity back and stop being a doormat for him. Sorry if that's harsh but based on what you have shared here...why would you stay with someone like this and show your child it is okay to treat a woman like this? You and your baby both deserve so, so much more! You are worthy of someone who loves you, respects you and would never, ever willingly hurt you.
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Old 04-10-2019, 03:34 AM
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The title of your thread kind of tells it all: you are drained...
Get rid of a big chunk of weight (him) and start to get some strength and power back by carrying less weight and having less to deal with.
You are important and you are valuable. You have a beautiful baby, you deserved to be loved and supported and not taken for granted and getting drained in the process.
Good luck
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Old 04-10-2019, 06:18 AM
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Of course its up to you how to proceed with your relationship.
His track record shows you everything you need to know.


If it were me, I would do as the others are suggesting. Raise your daughter who deserves all the attention, rather than a *grown up* man who cant be trusted.
You dont need his bs, drama and neither does she.


You owe him nothing.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:22 AM
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I'm hearing about what you've done for him but what has he done for you? Outside of breaking the law, stepping out and having kids, he doesn't sound like he gets the responsibility of a relationship part.

I don't know how to advise you to do it, but you have a child that needs stable examples of adulthood. Clearly, he cannot do that. Whatever his needs are pale in comparison to the needs of your kiddo. He will be clothed, housed and fed. Maybe it's time to be hands-off and let him figure out how to grow up on his own. Focus your energy on building a happy life with you and your little, independent of his drama and his energy suck. He is not your responsibility physically, emotionally or financially.
Thank you for your response and I guess I just been so naive since we got together so young but now that I am older I start to analyze things and like you said I realize he has not done anything for me. but once again thank you! it is greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:24 AM
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My take, and keep in mind, it's just a take...


In your shoes, I call it a day. I raise my baby. I focus on me. If the other woman wants him so badly, let her hold him down. If he gets his s--- together for her benefit great. If he doesn't, he's her problem.


The reality is that you've given so much of yourself to this man already at this point. How much more, reasonably, can you take?


If you're going to walk....then walk now. Don't wait. Don't give him hope. Whether he deserves sympathy or not is not for me to judge, but the reality is that he's going to have to deal with the charges he's facing. If you're not going to walk that path with him, then break it off sooner rather than later. Don't sit down today, commit to riding it out, and then in 2 months say "whoops, sorry."



I think you owe it to yourself and to your child to do the best for the both of you. If he can get his crap together and play a father role, great for him, great for your child. But by the sounds of it, he has been less than reliable. You standing by him hasn't woken him up. Maybe the other girl could, but my gut says probably not. If he does get it together, great. Revisit that at a later time assuming you haven't moved on to someone/something better than him. But please, don't give up what could be a better path for yourself and your child just because he's hoping you'll "make everything all right."


After all, who's going to make everything all right for you?

Good luck to you, regardless of what you choose.


-Eric
I know I am deff ready to walk I just don't know how to do it, Idk why I think I just overthink it and make it harder on myself. Like I feel guilty leaving him while he is in this situation but you are right and thank you for your advice it is greatly appreciated. <3
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:29 AM
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It's time to go forward and continue to move forward with your life now. Not being there for him isn't going to make you any less of the good woman you are. If anything it makes you more stronger! Don't allow all this back and forth drain you. Remove yourself from the situation and regain your energy. Your time, effort and energy isn't worthy of giving to him no more.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate them and you are right I guess I just have a soft spot for him and don't know how to say it. Ugh I need to be more tough on him I guess. But I am going to do what's best for my daughter and myself.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:32 AM
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This ^^ You know in your heart of hearts that this is exactly it, plain and simple. Get your power & dignity back and stop being a doormat for him. Sorry if that's harsh but based on what you have shared here...why would you stay with someone like this and show your child it is okay to treat a woman like this? You and your baby both deserve so, so much more! You are worthy of someone who loves you, respects you and would never, ever willingly hurt you.
You are completely right and I accept that harshness of your comment lol as what you said has made me come to this decision I deff don't want my daughter to think that the way he has treated me is ok. Absolutely not and I was younger and more naive where I thought if I gave him time he would change but he 27 now and still talks the same even while in jail waiting on his faith smh. So I am going to let him know tomorrow during a visit, I just don't know how is my problem.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:33 AM
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The title of your thread kind of tells it all: you are drained...
Get rid of a big chunk of weight (him) and start to get some strength and power back by carrying less weight and having less to deal with.
You are important and you are valuable. You have a beautiful baby, you deserved to be loved and supported and not taken for granted and getting drained in the process.
Good luck
Thank youu! soo much for your kind words <3
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Old 04-10-2019, 08:33 AM
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Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate them and you are right I guess I just have a soft spot for him and don't know how to say it. Ugh I need to be more tough on him I guess. But I am going to do what's best for my daughter and myself.
You're welcome!! I know what your saying and how you feel as well. I was once the same way for my ex. But he took advantage of that and did all he could to keep mistreating me. He knew how I felt for him and that I would take him back because I still love him/etc. I had to nip that in the bud and I did. My happiness wasn't no longer with him and to have my happiness I had to walk away from him without looking back again. At the end of the day you gotta do whats best for you and your daughter. Your happiness and her's is the key in all of this and the both of you deserve true happiness.
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Old 04-10-2019, 12:38 PM
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I am just writing here to vent a little and hopefully get some encouraging words of advice. So me and my husband have been together (on and off) for about 8 years and change now. We have a daughter together as well. We got together young at like 19. When we first started dating everything of course was perfect but than he went to jail for a little over a year, I didn't mind I was young and was there for him faithfully, he swore me the world but came home and was doing good but ended up getting in trouble again. . I was pregnant by this time so I had to help his mom pay for his bail because I wanted him to be present at my daughters birth. however he once again had to do another year and change once again baby and all I held him down faithfully again. He came home and we just went downhill, I caught him cheating multiple times ; we would break up and make up, I guess I kept trying to stay to make my family work. but last year we also had a break up where I ended everything because once again, caught him dealing with someone else. I didn't talk to him for months and than he started coming around again and ended up getting pulled back in like in August but come September he was arrested on multiple charges where he is facing serious time which I wouldn't mind being there for but while we were broken up he had another relationship and got this girl pregnant so now he has a baby with her. I honestly feel bad for him because he believes we are together but I don't think I can continue this way. That other girl does not want to accept the fact he doesn't want to be with her as she has made attempts to try to contact me but i don't care to speak to her but like i told him I can't get involved with that because a baby is involved.

I feel that he is only trying to deal with me now because he is in this situation and he knows I will always be there and not let anything go wrong as I have always been but I'm just tired of all the same things and just want to move on and be happy but a piece of me feels guilty if I let him know that I don't want to be apart of this. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to leave him for dead, I will always help him and what not, I just don't want him to depend on me to much as he is. I do EVERYTHING for him. IDK i guess i'm a little confused or lost. Like I know what I want to do, I just don't know how to do it.
Yep, listen to every one. These fools really use us as safety havens for their eff ups. And we keep thinking the more we give, we will get something back. But who is there for us? We come on here for support, because the lack of support from the person we are sacrificing and enduring so much for. The fact that u have a child and that mofo can't change for that or his other kid, speak volumes!The prison hustle is to grab and hold on to anyone that will make the ride more comfy. Your child is more deserving of the money, and the tax on your time and emotions doing a bid with him will require.
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Old 04-10-2019, 01:28 PM
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Yep, listen to every one. These fools really use us as safety havens for their eff ups. And we keep thinking the more we give, we will get something back. But who is there for us? We come on here for support, because the lack of support from the person we are sacrificing and enduring so much for. The fact that u have a child and that mofo can't change for that or his other kid, speak volumes!The prison hustle is to grab and hold on to anyone that will make the ride more comfy. Your child is more deserving of the money, and the tax on your time and emotions doing a bid with him will require.
Yes it deff took me time to open my eyes to the reality of things but I have now and I'm so ready to let him know but he was indicted today on another case apparently he was running a rampage while he was with this other girl he is now facing 17 years. So I'll probaby end up telling him everything tomorrow during a visit.
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Old 04-11-2019, 10:43 AM
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Yes it deff took me time to open my eyes to the reality of things but I have now and I'm so ready to let him know but he was indicted today on another case apparently he was running a rampage while he was with this other girl he is now facing 17 years. So I'll probaby end up telling him everything tomorrow during a visit.
Yes, I would set up something where it's letters only, or phones a certain times a week for the child on your budget. Visits for your child at your convenience . You owe him nothing! Not even emotional support. Whatever you do should only be there for the child to know him and have their own relationship with him. His "new baby mama" can stress and make his bid comfortable with packages, commissary, visits, and the phone for jail talk cause it ain't real talk. Don't let him play you for a fool girl. I would tell him to only communicate about the kids, not us cause there is no "us. "
He should of thought of yall when he was committing his crimes and creating his new family. They think they can do us dirty and are owed unwavering loyalty and dedication , oh please! Stay strong, I hope u find a real man and that will be the best last laugh.
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:58 PM
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I would leave now since there is literally another woman vying to take your place- what better time will you have than now to leave with as little guilt as possible?
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Old 04-19-2019, 04:41 AM
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Sadly he has proved on numerous occasions that he's not trustworthy at all and doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn’t deserve you. If you take a calm look at your situation and make rational choices based on your own interests, values, and perspectives, you will make decisions that serve you in the long run. All the best and remember, all is not lost. Unfortunate things happen in life and its not the things that happen to you but how you react to it and how you deal with it. I'm very sorry it came to this for you.
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Old 04-21-2019, 06:25 PM
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We are human, and flawed to some degree. I believe in most cases, of seeing the good in a person past their hiccups, but THIS DUDE you're involved with could care less about what he does to you! Not only does he not know how to stay out of prison, he sticks his penis in multiple women! AND got another woman pregnant. I wanna understand your feelings of feeling sorry for him and guilt, but he's going to run you to the ground in heartache if you stay with him. It's your choice, but know that you can genuinely care about someone and have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with them at the same time! God won't look at you with condemnation or put you to shame. He sees what's going on, and you have a child to protect, physically and spiritually. Let that man mature in prison (I hope he will for the sake of all humanity). He loves it so much obviously and now he may have to do long time. Pray for him and go on with your life.

Edit: I don't know how much time he will have to do (I know you said it's serious), but should he get released, he should have to prove himself to you to even be valuable of your time beyond a hello and a goodbye. Just sayin.

Last edited by GameChanger; 04-21-2019 at 06:35 PM.. Reason: Needed to tell the lady more stuff.
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Old 04-22-2019, 12:51 PM
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Edit: I don't know how much time he will have to do (I know you said it's serious), but should he get released, he should have to prove himself to you to even be valuable of your time beyond a hello and a goodbye. Just sayin.

This. Exactly this.


Look, dealing with the B.S. with Dee right now....if I allow myself to get sucked into it, it just drains me. The point we are at in our relationship....I will always love her and I will always think of her as family, we went through a shit-ton. There's some things....no matter how bad it gets, you can't take away some bonds. And contrary to her belief, which is that I'll never speak to her again, if she called me today, I would answer and I would not ignore her.


That said, she has to prove herself to a lot of people right now. And not just the cursory "see? I'm sober now!" It has to be again and again. And it has to be for him, too, if you decide to keep him around in any fashion. Look, when it comes to manipulative people, particularly substance abusers, they can put on a pretty good act for a while but things always fall apart. "Functional addicts" is a phrase that amuses me in a twisted way......because I've never met an addict who isn't dysfunctional, even if the dysfunction is they require a substance to be functional because their bodies and brains have adapted to that sort of drug/alcohol use.


Be careful with your heart, be respectful of your time and energy and, ultimately, yourself.


-Eric
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Old 05-02-2019, 05:38 AM
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To the poster please update us on what happend.
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Old 05-10-2019, 07:43 AM
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Just a quick update, sorry I'm late but I been busy with work but I spoke to him let him know how I felt and that it was over and I was done with the whole situation. He of course said he felt hurt and blah blah tried to guilt me back in because he stated I was abandoning him in jail but I told him. We have a child together there is no way I can abandon you completely. I can be here as a friend for you but nothing more. But as soon as that call finished I felt such a relief that I never imagined. I feel such peace now with my decision and its time to re focus on myself and daughter. It was an emotional 8 years but I won't take it down as a loss but moreso as lessons learned.

I want to thank all you guys for all your encouraging words and advice. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
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Old 05-11-2019, 01:56 AM
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I spoke to him let him know how I felt and that it was over and I was done with the whole situation.

I feel such peace now with my decision and its time to re focus on myself and daughter. It was an emotional 8 years but I won't take it down as a loss but moreso as lessons learned.
Congratulations for showing your daughter that you (both) deserve better and for taking your life into your own hands! Very proud of you and convinced that you're heading towards better things I also love your attitude about the past years.....I remember seeing a quote a while back that said something along the lines of: it wasn't a waste of time if you learned something. I believe you have the absolute right approach....good for you!
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Old 05-11-2019, 11:23 AM
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Just a quick update, sorry I'm late but I been busy with work but I spoke to him let him know how I felt and that it was over and I was done with the whole situation. He of course said he felt hurt and blah blah tried to guilt me back in because he stated I was abandoning him in jail but I told him. We have a child together there is no way I can abandon you completely. I can be here as a friend for you but nothing more. But as soon as that call finished I felt such a relief that I never imagined. I feel such peace now with my decision and its time to re focus on myself and daughter. It was an emotional 8 years but I won't take it down as a loss but moreso as lessons learned.

I want to thank all you guys for all your encouraging words and advice. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
I am happy for you. This site is so good for support and giving you the strength you need to make a tough decision. Be on guard with the Co parenting cause he will use the fact that yall have a kid together to keep tabs on you and emotionally make you feel bad about not helping him cause yall are a "family. " Never forget your family is your child and that's who you are obligated to financially and with your time. Many people feel they need to be cordial or friends with their child's other parent. But if my child's father was a user and fineser who is locked up I will tell him to keep it cute when he writes or calls. Meaning, only reach out for our child. No how are you? or what's new? I'm starting to realize how men manipulate us by maintaining attachments through being "cordial" or "friends." As women, and in your case as a mom, we tend to feel emotional and vulnerable at times.That's usually when they hone in for their own interests. Best of luck!
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Old 05-17-2019, 09:13 PM
Ohyesboo55 Ohyesboo55 is offline
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stop doing EVERYTHING! you dont owe him anything!!
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