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  #1  
Old 10-16-2019, 08:46 PM
rupert81 rupert81 is offline
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Default Inmate pen-pal stopped writing after visit

Two weeks ago, I visited my inmate pen pal for the first time. We had corresponded by Jpay for close to two years, exchanging emails every three days or so, but never spoke over the phone, nor through video visit. He seemed a little jittery or nervous for the first half hour of the visit, as though he were anxious. At one point, I even thought that perhaps he had something else to do and wanted out of the visit, as he appeared fidgety. In the end, however, we spent three hours together and we had lots to talk about; he seemed to be much more comfortable after the first half hour.

I bought him some fresh cut fruit -- honey dew, cantaloupe and grapes -- and he devoured this, noting that he hasn't tasted any of these fruits in close to 20 years. We spoke about all kinds of things and there were no awkward silences. As the morning visitation session ended, we both realized that three hours had flown by.

I wrote to him through Jpay after arriving home, noted how much I enjoyed chatting with him in person, but then I never heard back from him. It has been nearly two weeks now. At the end of the day, I understand if he's somehow not motivated to write, busy with something else or even if he met other pen pals and is occupied with writing to them. I've learned lots from him through our pen pal friendship, but at the end of the day, I entered it in order to offer something positive to him. If he has moved on, that's okay. I just worry a little that maybe I said something that offended him or perhaps my visit somehow negatively impacted his sense of pride, and this is why he is not writing. Does it make sense to wait another week and then send a follow-up Jpay to see if he is okay? Or should I just wait for him to write, if indeed he does?
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Old 10-16-2019, 08:59 PM
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We have very little to go on about your visit, so how could we even begin to wonder if anything said could have offended him? If he doesn't have the money to correspond could be a factor, along with so many other things. I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet, so hang in there.
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Old 10-18-2019, 04:39 PM
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Maybe he was jumpy cause he did something and they sent him to lockup after the visit? I hope you get something soon. Waiting and not knowing is a terrible feeling and I'm sorry you are going through this
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Old 10-19-2019, 05:22 AM
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I'm tempted to say that he had expectations of meeting Ms. America if you are a woman. Sometimes pen pals or MWIs have this hidden agenda of finding someone that looks like a beauty queen with the hope that it will turn into love at first sight upon actually meeting in person. It may be that once he actually saw you in person he is not attracted to you and while that may come as a hurtful or callous thing to say on my part, I think you have a right to be told the possible truth. It may not be that way. I'm not expert, but sometimes, these type relationships that start out as pen pals in the beginning come with a lot of expectations on the part of the individual incarcerated to do with love, money, support, a sense of belonging and a future together. Men in general and on average expect too much of the opposite sex where looks are concerned. Its O.K. for one of us to have a few too many pounds or an average appearance in terms of looks, but we tend to be too critical and unfair when it comes to one of you and that's BULLSH#T. It's also a sign that many men are not really the age in terms of masculine maturity that they should be. It used to and still does surprise me as to how many men inside are drawn to sitcoms, movies, celebrities, musicians, athletes and others in general that of the younger and physically fit variety. We place entirely too much importance on the cover of the book as opposed to what's on the inside.
Don't get me wrong, to some degree I am the same way. The thing I am more mindful of a 59 as opposed to 29 or 39 is that my imperfections and perceptions are the greater issue to be corrected, not whether or not someone meets my expectations. Many men inside prison and outside as well, have a "Santa Claus is God" like belief system without knowing it and in the shadows of that mindset is the hidden hope and expectation that woman of someone's dreams is going to have the patience of Mother Teresa, the body and appearance of Ms. America and cook like Betty Crocker.
Whether this pertains to your situation with the guy you're involved with, it is something I consistently see among many in prison to do with pen pals and MWIs, they place too much importance on one's physical appearance. When they meet you and stop communicating, it's often a sign that they are not attracted to you where as, if they are attracted to you, you hear from them more, not less.
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Old 10-19-2019, 07:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Firebrand View Post
. . . and in the shadows of that mindset is the hidden hope and expectation that woman of someone's dreams is going to have the patience of Mother Teresa, the body and appearance of Ms. America and cook like Betty Crocker.
O my gosh! You made me laugh so hard! That is exactly what my husband openly sought [at least, the Eastern European version]! To his dismay, he ended up with me.

Thank you for the day brightener!!!

I know you state „if this is the case” just in case it is not, and based upon my limited recollections of rupert81’s postings, they are simply a kind soul [male, I believe] that offers positivity and support to inmates. And so the mystery continues of the lack of communication. . . hope it does work out for the better — whatever that may be — though.

I do agree with your assessment in regard to romantic situations, though.
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Old 10-19-2019, 08:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ne Plach’ View Post
O my gosh! You made me laugh so hard! That is exactly what my husband openly sought [at least, the Eastern European version]! To his dismay, he ended up with me.

Thank you for the day brightener!!!

I know you state „if this is the case” just in case it is not, and based upon my limited recollections of rupert81’s postings, they are simply a kind soul [male, I believe] that offers positivity and support to inmates. And so the mystery continues of the lack of communication. . . hope it does work out for the better — whatever that may be — though.

I do agree with your assessment in regard to romantic situations, though.
Ha! Ha! Well.....pen pal relationships and MWIs both involve some variables that are much to do with UNKNOWN in terms what the real truth is about the attraction between one another, what keeps the relationship going, what helps it to grow stronger and WHAT CAUSES IT TO FALL APART. You have the right to know the truth. Whether the friendship grows stronger or a loving relationship grows stronger, there is a place for the honest truth. You make to great of an effort for that not to happen.
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Old 10-19-2019, 09:51 AM
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I believe the OP is a male & has many pen pals if I remember correctly from his past posts

Rupert, I am sorry he's ghosted you - for now at least. Even if there were no romantic expectation on either side, I guess some people are just fickle. Reading your past posts here in this community has given me the impression that you are a person of compassion, someone with a good heart...so it's a shame that a person would do something like this to you. Having said that, I guess that's just how life goes sometimes. I think since you guys were writing for couple of years it would be fine to send him one 'final' JPay to just ask if he's okay....and if he doesn't respond to that, then just leave him be. You've got a lot to offer for someone who will appreciate your friendship in a way it should be appreciated.

When it comes to pen pals turned romantic partners...yeah, I guess that can be the same as if one were to date in the free world these days: meet someone online maybe, exchange a few texts and photos, speak on the phone....and yet, when meeting in person, it's entirely possible that the chemistry just isn't there and so why meet again. I guess that can happen with MWI too
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Old 10-30-2019, 01:17 PM
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I wouldn't give up on your penpal just yet. . .

I write to a few penpals currently, and have written to a number of others in the past. More than once I have had a penpal go silent for a month, and then found out later that they were put in 'seg' for a while. If you communicate only by Jpay and your penpal is put in seg then they probably wouldn't be able to access the Jpay kiosks. Even if you write snail mail letters your penpal might not have access to their address books and/or stationary.

You might try sending your penpal a snail mail letter. If he is in seg, and the only issue is that he doesn't have your mailing address, getting your letter will solve that problem.

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Old 10-31-2019, 08:46 AM
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Hi all,

Thanks for the responses. So, the mystery around my pen pal's disappearing act following my visit has been solved! He wrote me a message through Jpay a couple of days after my visit and the first line of his email read:

"Thank you for the visit. It was really nice to escape from this environment for a couple hours."

This Jpay message was delayed by 15 days. I only received it last week and, of course, it's pretty clear to me that the 'e' word set off alarm bells and for some reason, the email got stuck in a censorship queue somewhere. I told my pen pal that the prison probably thought that he was planning to "go on a field trip without their consent."
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Old 10-31-2019, 01:34 PM
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I once sent my husband a postcard from Dubai with the words escape to beautiful dubai on it. I thought nothing of it it was contra-banded as they thought I was telling him to escape and go to Dubai. I guess they have their reasons. I am glad you are in contact with your penpal again.
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