Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Fallen_Angel915 · #1 04-15-2012, 11:45 PM

...because I can no longer bear to see him caged up like that. I thoroughly enjoy our visits but...it's hard to explain. But I am sure y'all understand where I'm coming from.

I fully intend to let him know how I feel, though...I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way. I know I'm going to miss him but we do communicate frequently via letters and pictures. Let me know what y'all think. Thank you.

Erics4ever · #2 04-16-2012, 12:00 AM

Do you have contact visits?

Fallen_Angel915 · #3 04-16-2012, 12:06 AM

No, our visits are behind the glass. And he's literally in a cage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erics4ever

Do you have contact visits?

He&me · #4 04-16-2012, 05:28 AM

I can understand how you feel. Maybe you will need a bit more time to get used to the visiting situaton in DR.
Its sound crazy, but I miss it and I would give a lot to be able to visit there again to see my brother.
Try to see how happy he was to see you, to see a bit a bit more of the world, to get some snacks he never get when he dont have visits.
But on the end you have to be able to enjoy it and see some good in it. I wish you luck

Nenia · #5 04-16-2012, 05:36 AM

He's caged up anyway, no matter if you go and see him or not. And the "visiting cage" is a very welcome change to the "cell cage". I do understand how you're feeling, I know some other people with the same issues about "behind the glass" visits and I know where you're coming from, but also consider that visits mean the world to the inmates. Especially since you're also saying you've thoroughly enjoyed the visits so far. But I agree with He&me, of course you also have to feel comfortable with what you're doing. Tell your friend about your feelings, maybe communicating with him about it will give you a different view of seeing him in that situation.

nomireatras · #6 04-16-2012, 05:51 AM

No, I don't understand. It isn't always just all about you.

kaybabemarshall · #7 04-16-2012, 07:00 AM

Well I kind of get where your coming from ..we've never had a contact visit only behind glass . I went twice a week (he was only an hr away) and I loved it. But then he got moved about 3 hours away and I don't drive , so I could go as much , his mom did say she would drive me in February , but at thAt point I had not seen him in four months, and I talk t him everyday . We BOTH decided we just wait until his release because we were already in our "groove" and comfortable with the way things were . We both thought it would make it harder to see each other one time , and then wait another 3 months . He gets out in two weeks and I don't regret our decision I really think I would of been an emotional reck afterwords leaving him there knowing I would not of seen him for 3 months . But I would like to add , if I had the chance to go all the time I would , no matter how hard it was . And I definitely wouldn't stop going if he wasn't okay with it l visits are the only real world contact they have .

krystal1985 · #8 04-16-2012, 09:04 AM

I would go see him regardless if it was glass or contact these guys look forward to these visits.. it may be hard but you can do it just enjoy that little time you are actually in eachothers presence...

RainyCola · #9 04-16-2012, 09:16 AM

Part of me wants to be so mad at you. I would give anything to be able to visit all the time. And to see you say that you can't bear to visit anymore should make me mad, but it doesn't because I understand completely how hard it is to see him that way. Not only is it hard to see him in that place, but it's hard to leave him there, isn't it?

I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong for not wanting to visit anymore, but I do want to ask: Are you visiting for *him* or are you visiting for *you*? Visits mean the world to these guys. I get up to visit as often as I can because I know that he needs to have that contact with me and anyone else from the outside that isn't wearing that CO uniform.

On the other hand, you can't be expected to go do something you can't handle, so no one (at least me) can fault you for not wanting to go.

Maybe you can still visit but not as much? I don't know how far away you are from him and I don't know how often you go. I know that it's emotionally draining once I walk out of there, but it's all worthwhile to me because I know that I helped get his mind away from that place for a few hours. I give him the chance to have an ice cold Gatorade, a cold hamburger that he enjoys and a chance to hear a voice he doesn't get to hear every day.

The time that I am in there is cherished and full of laughter. I often think I'm in there irritating people because I laugh so much. We don't focus on that place. We don't talk about what he's living. We laugh. I've seen too many people in that visiting room who cry and aren't very happy. The visits are what you make of them, and if you make them depressing that's what you're going to feel when you walk out and when you leave and reflect on what that visit was about.

**pj663** · #10 04-16-2012, 01:49 PM

Wow.... I remember you and your previous post. a couple weeks back you said that you had fallen for him and you expressed that in your letter to him. Then I guess it was deceided that you remain friends which you mention was a mutual agreement now you deceided that you no longer want to visit him?

I cant say that it's bad it's your choice in whatever you decide but you know what stage he is in with regards his legal situation. You seeing him caged up is nothing like living it day to day that's unbearable. Knowing that your life can be taken with a stroke of a pen that's unbareable. It's never a easy thing to visit your love one and then at then end of the visit seeing them cuffed up going back to their cells. I still cry at times and I thought after all these years I would feel better but it's the same. Again you have to do what's right for you I wish you all the best in your letter correspondance with him.

mammastalkin · #11 04-16-2012, 02:30 PM

I'm not going to judge your decision. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. Only you know what is right. I do hope you won't" tell him how you feel though." He doesn't need to live his life, such as it is, knowing visiting him makes you sad. Please tell him work, school, kids prevents visits right now. And leave the door open in case you change your mind. But spare his feelings and let him have his dignity. He knows where he is and how bad it is. Much love.

Fallen_Angel915 · #12 04-16-2012, 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nomireatras

No, I don't understand. It isn't always just all about you.

Did I say it was about me? Nope. I am very well aware of the fact that he looks forward to and enjoys our visits, and THAT is why I am unsure as to how I should handle this situation. I'm sorry you don't understand where I am coming from, but while I was asking if I was wrong, I didn't ask for anyone to make me feel bad about how I feel. Thank you for your response, though.

Fallen_Angel915 · #13 04-16-2012, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pj663

Wow.... I remember you and your previous post. a couple weeks back you said that you had fallen for him and you expressed that in your letter to him. Then I guess it was deceided that you remain friends which you mention was a mutual agreement now you deceided that you no longer want to visit him?

I cant say that it's bad it's your choice in whatever you decide but you know what stage he is in with regards his legal situation. You seeing him caged up is nothing like living it day to day that's unbearable. Knowing that your life can be taken with a stroke of a pen that's unbareable. It's never a easy thing to visit your love one and then at then end of the visit seeing them cuffed up going back to their cells. I still cry at times and I thought after all these years I would feel better but it's the same. Again you have to do what's right for you I wish you all the best in your letter correspondance with him.

Wow, y'all sure like to jump to conclusions, don't yall?

No, his wanting us to remain friends has absolutely nothing to do with it...I've actually gone to see him twice since that particular exchange, and like you said, I was aware at the outset of our communication that nothing more than friendship could be expected, so I don't have issue with that at all. He and I have come to an understanding about that, and I respect his decision. What kind of person would I be to have that be the reason why I can't go see him anymore? I'm a selfish bitch when I want to be, but that's just cruel and I wouldn't have it in me to do that. I really don't see how you jumped to that.

It is unbearable to leave him there while I walk back out into the free world...I always turn around and wave goodbye and seeing him still in there does something to me. I can't explain it but you did touch on it in the second part of your response, so I guess you do understand what I was trying to say. Thank you for that. My reasons for this are not at all selfish, and it's hard for me to get up there as often as I want because I don't have a car and I can't always ride with someone else because of schedule conflicts or because I don't have money to contribute for gas. It's all of this put together, but the MAIN issue is that I hate seeing him in there. I really do.

And I hate leaving him.

Fallen_Angel915 · #14 04-16-2012, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammastalkin

I'm not going to judge your decision. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. Only you know what is right. I do hope you won't" tell him how you feel though." He doesn't need to live his life, such as it is, knowing visiting him makes you sad. Please tell him work, school, kids prevents visits right now. And leave the door open in case you change your mind. But spare his feelings and let him have his dignity. He knows where he is and how bad it is. Much love.

Mamma thank you...this is the answer I was looking for...and you're right...he does know how it is i there and far be it from me to remind him...school and work and the fact that I don't have my own transportation are issues, but the main issue was that I hated seeing him caged up like that and leaving him there once the visit was over. I understand what you said about not making him feel like visiting him makes me sad...you're right about that, too. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive abotu it, but I can't help how I feel. Thank you for at least not trying to read too far into what I was saying and understanding how I feel while taking his feelings into consideration, also, and also for not berating me and making me feel bad for how I feel.

Fallen_Angel915 · #15 04-16-2012, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainyCola

Part of me wants to be so mad at you. I would give anything to be able to visit all the time. And to see you say that you can't bear to visit anymore should make me mad, but it doesn't because I understand completely how hard it is to see him that way. Not only is it hard to see him in that place, but it's hard to leave him there, isn't it?

I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong for not wanting to visit anymore, but I do want to ask: Are you visiting for *him* or are you visiting for *you*? Visits mean the world to these guys. I get up to visit as often as I can because I know that he needs to have that contact with me and anyone else from the outside that isn't wearing that CO uniform.

On the other hand, you can't be expected to go do something you can't handle, so no one (at least me) can fault you for not wanting to go.

Maybe you can still visit but not as much? I don't know how far away you are from him and I don't know how often you go. I know that it's emotionally draining once I walk out of there, but it's all worthwhile to me because I know that I helped get his mind away from that place for a few hours. I give him the chance to have an ice cold Gatorade, a cold hamburger that he enjoys and a chance to hear a voice he doesn't get to hear every day.

The time that I am in there is cherished and full of laughter. I often think I'm in there irritating people because I laugh so much. We don't focus on that place. We don't talk about what he's living. We laugh. I've seen too many people in that visiting room who cry and aren't very happy. The visits are what you make of them, and if you make them depressing that's what you're going to feel when you walk out and when you leave and reflect on what that visit was about.

I'm visiting for him...I knew before I started writing him that he'd want me to visit, and I was and still am open to that. It's hard for me to visit because I don't have a car and the place is an hour and a half away from me, but I do try to get up there when his mom comes down to visit, which is about once or twice a month. WE laugh and have a great time during our visits, but the end of the visit and the walk out of there is what is so hard for me because a) I don't know when I'm going to be able to see him again, and b) because I'm leaving him in there. I know I should look at it as that I am the one who gets to walk out of there, but its not as simple as that. I know I should be glad to be able to put a smile on his face and he put one on mine but I still get this overwhelmingly sad feeling afterwards. It's very hard to leave him in there, especially, like I said, without me knowing when I'll be able to see him again. I wish I could find the words to better express how I feel because it seems like some of the responders here took what I said the wrong way or read too far into what I was saying. But I am glad that a few of you know exactly how I feel.

Nenia · #16 04-17-2012, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fallen_Angel915

Mamma thank you...this is the answer I was looking for...and you're right...he does know how it is i there and far be it from me to remind him...school and work and the fact that I don't have my own transportation are issues, but the main issue was that I hated seeing him caged up like that and leaving him there once the visit was over. I understand what you said about not making him feel like visiting him makes me sad...you're right about that, too. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive abotu it, but I can't help how I feel.

I think that depends very much on the individual person and how open your communcation is on those topics. Because it might also be that he then thinks you're making up excuses for not coming to see him anymore and in his mind he'll look for all sorts of explanations - and some of them might be much more painful for him than you not being able to see him "caged up". I'm speaking only from my own experience. My man went through this exact thing with some of his family members, but they were open about it and he understood and for him it was better that way than them making up excuses for not coming so his mind would spin about the "why?". But only you know him and can judge which way is best.

Fallen_Angel915 · #17 04-17-2012, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nenia

I think that depends very much on the individual person and how open your communcation is on those topics. Because it might also be that he then thinks you're making up excuses for not coming to see him anymore and in his mind he'll look for all sorts of explanations - and some of them might be much more painful for him than you not being able to see him "caged up". I'm speaking only from my own experience. My man went through this exact thing with some of his family members, but they were open about it and he understood and for him it was better that way than them making up excuses for not coming so his mind would spin about the "why?". But only you know him and can judge which way is best.

See and that's the thing...I'd rather be honest with him than tell him the other stuff because he knows I work crazy hours, he knows I have school and he knows I don't have a car. These things do make visiting difficult but not impossible and he knows that. I don't want to insult his intelligence that way, and I also don't want him to think that I just flat out don't want to see him , because that is so not the case. I probably look forward to our visits as much as he does. *sigh*

Nenia · #18 04-17-2012, 03:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fallen_Angel915

I don't want to insult his intelligence that way, and I also don't want him to think that I just flat out don't want to see him , because that is so not the case. I probably look forward to our visits as much as he does. *sigh*

Then go and see him. Look at it that way: Whether you go and see him in that situation or not does not change the reality of his situation. Just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it's not there. You know how he lives, you seem to care for him, you seem to enjoy visiting him. Maybe you can find it in you to look at the visits in another way, like RainyCola said earlier: The visits are what you make them. Don't focus on the glass, focus on the happiness in his face seeing you. Don't focus on how hard it is saying goodbye, leaving him there, focus on the fact that you made his day by coming there. Yes, he will go back to his cell, but he will go back knowing there is someone that cares enough to come and see him, he will go with happy memories of your time together. Focus on the fun you have together. There are many different ways to look at every situation, we make that choice. I hope you make a good choice for both of you. Good luck.

RainyCola · #19 04-17-2012, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fallen_Angel915

WE laugh and have a great time during our visits, but the end of the visit and the walk out of there is what is so hard for me because a) I don't know when I'm going to be able to see him again, and b) because I'm leaving him in there. I know I should look at it as that I am the one who gets to walk out of there, but its not as simple as that. I know I should be glad to be able to put a smile on his face and he put one on mine but I still get this overwhelmingly sad feeling afterwards. It's very hard to leave him in there, especially, like I said, without me knowing when I'll be able to see him again. I wish I could find the words to better express how I feel because it seems like some of the responders here took what I said the wrong way or read too far into what I was saying. But I am glad that a few of you know exactly how I feel.

You don't have to explain it any better because I know exactly how you're feeling! (And if I came across brash in my first response I want to apologize!) I have the same wave go through me when I leave there: I hate leaving him there and it's hard because I don't know when I'm going to get back there. I don't even turn back to wave when I walk out of there. Then when I get in the car I always have to pull over at that bank right after you get off of FM 350 (that really big one) and have my big cry (can't do it in the Polunsky parking lot because I don't want them to see me!) then go on home. The second I get home I start planning my next visit. Sometimes I think that's the only thing that keeps me from feeling nothing but sadness.

After my first visit and subsequent overwhelming emotion I didn't want to go back so I completely understand where you're coming from.

**pj663** · #20 04-17-2012, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fallen_Angel915

Wow, y'all sure like to jump to conclusions, don't yall?

No, his wanting us to remain friends has absolutely nothing to do with it...I've actually gone to see him twice since that particular exchange, and like you said, I was aware at the outset of our communication that nothing more than friendship could be expected, so I don't have issue with that at all. He and I have come to an understanding about that, and I respect his decision. What kind of person would I be to have that be the reason why I can't go see him anymore? I'm a selfish bitch when I want to be, but that's just cruel and I wouldn't have it in me to do that. I really don't see how you jumped to that.

It is unbearable to leave him there while I walk back out into the free world...I always turn around and wave goodbye and seeing him still in there does something to me. I can't explain it but you did touch on it in the second part of your response, so I guess you do understand what I was trying to say. Thank you for that. My reasons for this are not at all selfish, and it's hard for me to get up there as often as I want because I don't have a car and I can't always ride with someone else because of schedule conflicts or because I don't have money to contribute for gas. It's all of this put together, but the MAIN issue is that I hate seeing him in there. I really do.

And I hate leaving him.

Does this sound bad? I can't go visit him anymore...
Let me know what y'all think. Thank you.

Fallen angel thank you for your honest response to my earlier post. You ask for the members opinion and what we thought. Because this is a public forum you have to be ready for the positive and then the not so positive responses. I didnt assume anything thats why I had a question mark at the end because I didnt want to assume that was the reason however you made it clear. We both equally agree that it's hard to leave our love ones it never get any better

You never mention that schedule conflicts and finances contribute to your decesion otherwise the responses that you received would have not been directed towards you or assuming that you are being selfish. Again whatever you decide I wish you and anthony all the best in your friendship. Take care.

sempre · #21 04-20-2012, 01:27 PM

To be honest, I think it is better to stop visiting him. I have read some of your posts and it seems you are having a hard time being in this friendship. If it is this hard for you already, and I can tell you it wont get any easier, you can better not visit him anymore. It is a beautiful gift to write and visit DR inmates, for them as well as for the person outside. But it is not easy. I have been writing with DR inmates for over 6 years now. My first penfriend has already been executed and one friend has had 2 stays and now has his third date. It has been difficult, of course. But if you cannot handle it, you can better stop now, in the long run its better for you and more important for him. I'm sorry I am so blunt about it, but I have seen so many inmates get hurt because the one who wrote them couldnt handle it or started writing for all the wrong reasons. So my advice is, dont visit him anymore for now. I would also not encourage you to find any other penfriends. Although I respect the fact that you want to reach out to him and be his friend, being in a friendship with a DR inmate is just not for everyone.

goiane · #22 05-14-2012, 02:34 PM

...honestly? ...yes, it sounds bad.... take your time and think twice! ....

simplysweet711 · #23 05-22-2012, 10:48 AM

Just do what is in your heart honey. Don't worry about the negative things said on here, everyone has thier opinion, and a forum will bring out everyones voice...which is okay.
Do what is best for yourself. But also think down the road, how your judgement might effect you then. Make sure your decision is made by looking from all angles of the situation.
Best of luck