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  #1  
Old 01-22-2019, 10:10 PM
Joecoolwifey Joecoolwifey is offline
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Default Should I start a relationship with my married friend; he says he'll divorce

My love and I agreed we will be friends only. We both love each other dearly. Recently he told me he wants to pursue a relationship with me. He has a wife he not divorced yet. Should I believe he going to do just that. Are change his mind and mend his marriage. This got me really confused
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Old 01-23-2019, 10:34 AM
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Hey - I gave you your own thread instead of having your post buried in someone else's.

So first: welcome to Prison Talk

Second: this is my opinion only, but I personally would not start a relationship with someone who is married. I've never understood the hurry to jump from one relationship to another....especially if your previous relationship isn't over - and over officially.
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Old 01-23-2019, 10:59 AM
Joecoolwifey Joecoolwifey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarianna View Post
Hey - I gave you your own thread instead of having your post buried in someone else's.

So first: welcome to Prison Talk

Second: this is my opinion only, but I personally would not start a relationship with someone who is married. I've never understood the hurry to jump from one relationship to another....especially if your previous relationship isn't over - and over officially.
I appreciate your opinion I have always felt a certain way. It was a touchy subject for us but now he talks about it. He been in there five years his wife went on with her life. I went in this as a friend thatís all I wanted. Then this happened I got close we both love each other so much. He did tell me in order for us to move on he knows he needs to get a divorce. That is the first thing he is going to do. In the meantime I donít want to ruin what we got by going from friends to a full blown relationship. You opinions will help me to better understand my situation
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Old 01-23-2019, 02:14 PM
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I personally would not have a relationship with a married man. You say a divorce is the first thing he is going to do? Why isnt he doing it now if he wants to be with you?

How can you be sure he is not still invested in that marriage if he has not begun proceedings to end it?

My sister was in a relationship with a guy who was married , he was always saying he was going to divorce but he never did it was all promises and no action.In the end she walked away and he stayed married.

Its your choice if you want a relationship with a man who cannot committ to you 100%. Personally I would leave the relationship until he has sought and got a divorce. It shouldnt take long and then you are both starting fresh and can move on together.
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Old 01-23-2019, 02:45 PM
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Welcome to Prison Talk.

How much longer will he be inside? It might make a difference in your thinking. If it's not long, he could file for divorce as soon as he is released from prison. If not, it is probably much more difficult to get divorced (or do anything else) from inside. Either way, it's still your decision to make.
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:06 PM
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My question is how long have you been friends? And when did this seem to become something other than friends? And as was already asked how much longer does he have and are you willing to wait if it's a long time or life? My opinion is, to wait and not jump into something without not really thinking this over. How long has he been down? If it's been a long time already, then why hasn't he filed for it yet, if his wife had moved on why is he still hanging on? I know in California he could have filed it and been over already. I don't know how easy it is in Oklahoma though. I'm assuming he's in Oklahoma right? I would really think it all through and look at all a relationship with someone who is locked up. It really isn't an easy one and one that should not be taken lightly. It takes a strong woman to deal with it as it's a toll on both your mind and body. With visits and taken care of your loved one. Just saying, you know? Think about it.
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:14 PM
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Stay friends until he is divorced. He’s incarcerated, there’s no hurry. Just wait
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joecoolwifey View Post
My love and I agreed we will be friends only. We both love each other dearly. Recently he told me he wants to pursue a relationship with me. He has a wife he not divorced yet. Should I believe he going to do just that. Are change his mind and mend his marriage. This got me really confused
Wait for him to end the marriage first
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Old 01-23-2019, 04:41 PM
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I agree with everyone else. I'd wait to start the relationship until after the divorce. Even if they have been separated for awhile, it's still something that needs to be done as a way to completely end that chapter in his life. Plus if you do pursue a relationship with this guy and eventually decide to get married, can't do that if he's not divorced. So it's best to get it taken care of as quickly as possible so there are no hiccups down the road.
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Old 01-23-2019, 05:55 PM
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Flip the script--
Even if your marriage was horrible, would you prefer that he left you to be with another woman or waited to be in a committed relationship until after your divorce? To be honest, though, that's an ideal situation.

If I had a dollar for every, "I'm married but we're on a break/been separated/not in love anymore/only together for the kids", I could pay off my student loans. I'm not saying he's putting you on, but what they think they want and what they actually go through with are two different things.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:02 PM
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ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY NOT.

Chances are, he's hoping to string you along for extra $$$ and you would find out in the end when he gets out that he was never going to divorce her in the first place.

There's a LOT of guys (I cannot say men) in the system who will promise the moon and stars to every woman they have contact with, knowing that at some point, the woman will feel sorry for him and start contributing financially, And what she thinks is she, herself, supporting him, is actually 2 or more women doing the same for him.

They will either lie to multiple women and say that they're single, or if they knew the woman before prison, they will say "but I'm getting a divorce."

There's a LOT of stories in the "When The Relationship Is Over" section of the forum that are basically this same story.
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Old 01-23-2019, 07:10 PM
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Saying and Doing are two different things.

He can file for divorce while inside.

Don't allow him to use your heart against you..
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Old 01-23-2019, 08:35 PM
Joecoolwifey Joecoolwifey is offline
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I appreciate everyone opinions. I do have a lot to think about never really thought beyond this. My emotions have been all over about this whole friendship. I have known him all my life childhood friends. We are no strangers to each other he told me he can’t afford a divorce. He only has nine more months and he will be home. I thought at first I was going in to head strong. I was afraid of getting hurt he assures me that not the case. We both love each dearly at this point I am really scared and nervous. I haven’t heard from him in about a week I have so many questions for him. Again I appreciate everyone opinions
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Old 01-24-2019, 12:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joecoolwifey View Post
I appreciate everyone opinions. I do have a lot to think about never really thought beyond this. My emotions have been all over about this whole friendship. I have known him all my life childhood friends. We are no strangers to each other he told me he canít afford a divorce. He only has nine more months and he will be home. I thought at first I was going in to head strong. I was afraid of getting hurt he assures me that not the case. We both love each dearly at this point I am really scared and nervous. I havenít heard from him in about a week I have so many questions for him. Again I appreciate everyone opinions
It sounds like you both have the potential for a sweet intimate relationship. But I would strongly caution you not to get into a romantic relationship until he has ended his marriage, when heís released. There are always reasons why itís too hard now he doesnít have money heís locked up and whatever but itís not impossible. Iím not saying he doesnít have sincere real feelings for you. I have had one experience being with a married man, first off I didnít know they were still married, their relationship was in shambles they lived apart but our relationship still got complicated by the fact that he was still legally married to her. 9 months is not so far away as heís been in for 5 years? Of course it is in your hands and your decision if you want a relationship with a married man or not no judgement whatsoever. Maintain your friendship as it is if you want to but go no further until he is divorced. It may be that even though she walked away when he got locked up they might pick back up again as others have said. That would hurt a lot. Do whatís best for you, but love and value yourself also. Best of luck to you both
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Old 01-24-2019, 08:25 AM
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While I'd agree with what most are saying (wait until he is divorced)
His comments that its too expensive?.......If its too expensive now, it wont be any cheaper once he is released either.
If he's serious about it, get him to start the process now.
If he asks you for help in getting it done....I think I might help that way. Maybe not moneywise but research wise.


Pretty sure he's not the first one to want a divorce while incarcerated.


Just curious....how long was he married for? Kids?
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Old 01-24-2019, 10:18 AM
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@sidewalker he was married for about three years. He dated her a few years before they were married. He doesn’t have any children at all. I really appreciate you ladies and your honesty. It’s really hard for me to talk to my friends and family. Without feeling like I am being judged. I know and agree at this point that I should only be his friend. I think trying to have a relationship without his divorce is wrong. I do sometimes wonder if he will run back to her. I know I have been here mentally and emotionally for him. I often question is it being fair to myself. I have given him four years I feel in return all I get is empty promises. Not to mention he forgot all about my birthday. Again thanks ladies
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Old 01-24-2019, 10:29 AM
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Only by reading your headline I'd say no without knowing all the background.
Just the headline screams: don't do it, don't get in the middle of it and don't trash your worth. Wait it out or leave him now but don't mess into this dynamic. Finish one thing before starting something new.
I call that "cruising for bruising"...
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Old 01-24-2019, 11:00 AM
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I hate to be the one to break it to you, but...
You ARE in a relationship with this man. It's too late to say you will just be friends. You say you love each other (you could mean that in a platonic way, but if that were true he wouldn't be talking about divorcing his wife to be with you.) And you call yourself "wifey".
Think of it this way. If you were the wife and you found out he'd been talking to someone else the way he is talking to you, would you feel betrayed?
So your real question is: are you going stay in the relationship and just hope that he is sincere? Or are you going to take a step back until he shows you with his actions that he is serious? Or just walk away completely?
I'm not saying you should give him an ultimatum, e.g. Get a divorce, or we're done. Just be honest with yourself and him about how his decision not to get a divorce makes you feel. If you were secure in his love for you, the paperwork wouldn't matter so much.
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Old 01-24-2019, 01:20 PM
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Quote:
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His comments that its too expensive?.......If its too expensive now, it wont be any cheaper once he is released either.
This one is my favorite. LOL Not laughing at you, joecool, not at all. But seriously, if there are no custody issues, you can buy the divorce packet at Office Depot for less than $40 and then the only other cost is the filing fee. When my ex and I decided to divorce, we bought the packet, went to the public library, filled it out, went to the courthouse and filed (2006 in Oregon, was about $175 I think). Waited the two weeks required, judge signed our packet, boom. Divorced. We owned a home and had a few personal loans together so that's not a hangup, either. I know different counties work differently, but seriously...this is something said either by people who assume and haven't bothered to investigate the cost or aren't that serious about their follow-through.

Protect yourself, hun. This guy may care for you but he's a legally married man who isn't quite ready to cut his safety net in either direction.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:27 PM
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My ex divorced whilst incarcerated and he applied for a fee waiver because he was in prison and it was granted.He divorced for free and it took about 3 months in total as his ex wife had disappeared and tried to avoid service.He had to file by publication in a local newspaper.It was all granted after she failed to respond.
Its too expensive is an excuse and if he is making excuses that is a huge red flag if hereally wanted to be with you and just you he could have filed by now.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:53 PM
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If they dont own property together and very little assets, it is easy. They were not married long, so not much probably acquired or shared. He can file abandonment in some states or irreconcilable differences.
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